Filling in the blanks

 

 

So what really has been going on around here??? This much stress from a move??? Well let's not forget Sir Steve's dad died in June..... and we are still dealing with the details and emotions and personalities from that.......... then in Sept Sir Steve had a small health issue - saw his doctor and we thought that was that...... BUT in November he went back to see the doctor cause the problem had not resolved itself.  Then we had the move that hit in December till February....... Then that health issue of Sir Steve's was still hanging about .... so in March he went to see another doctor and get a 2nd opinion............. 

AND you guessed it - 2nd opinion was not a brush off -  no 'nothing to worry about'....... nope this doctor mentioned the dreaded C word (cancer).  and referred Sir Steve to a surgeon............ It felt as though my world had fallen off it's axis... I couldn't breath. 

We had to wait 2 weeks to see the surgeon.  We saw him on Thursday.  He was very thorough.... poked and prodded.  He has ordered a  CT scan - and possibly a biopsy.  BUT on a positive note he didn't think it was cancer.  He thinks it may be a problem stemming from a surgery Sir Steve had over 15 years ago.  He also said the area in question was not deep (which was worrying me cause ya know 9 months delay on the diagnosis) but seemed superficial to him.  As he was talking I felt my body deflating.... I felt the pain in my muscles easing....... 

We're still facing surgery ......... but hopefully not cancer surgery.

My body has a long way to go to return to health - the stress has really done a number on it.... 

Just a Peak

 

 

Ready to share - a little bit.

My world started to crumble a couple of months ago.... around the time we moved.  I know I posted happy / excited / can't wait to move posts..... but the truth of the matter was underneath the whole move nearly drowned me in stress.

I am ready to talk about it - a little bit.... cause there's a part of me that needs to bring light into my world......... This morning I talked to Sir Steve a little bit about it.... It's not like he isn't aware of what is going on,..... but I haven't been able to talk about it.... this morning I tried - cause experience has taught me when I talk about it - it loses some of it's hold on me.

I told him I have food anxiety......... because stress makes it difficult for me to eat... I am now stressing over dinners cause both he and the lil one watch me to see if I eat - how much I eat.... and I feel like I am disappointing them when I can't eat ..... and when I say 'can't' I mean CAN'T.  The food will not go down - the food gets stuck in my mouth - and I can't swallow it and then I gag.... it's disgusting.  and I hate it !!  and yet I feel like I have no control over it.  

I have been living on maybe 600 - 800 calories a day.... for 3 months now.  I have lost weight.  I have lost muscle mass.  I have lost the joy of cooking and eating.  

I am living with no energy..... duh!  food = energy right?  So most of my days are spent curled up on the sofa.. napping ... that is not to say I'm not getting chores done - I am.  The laundry is done the house is clean the shopping is done.  (did I tell you how hard it is to go out into the shops??!! I can hardly breath when I am out and about)

I keep hearing my grandmother's voice saying "this too shall pass" and it will I know it will - it has before.......  I could do with it passing now ya know?  like right now! 

 

Thank you

 

 Thank you to everyone who has reached out to check on me... 

Let's just say all the stress and anxiety I have been living through for the last 3 months has caught up with me......... 

Usually I share everything - but right now I can't.  I just can't.  

please be patient with me.......... 

Bad News

 

Yesterday afternoon the new owner of our property showed up on the doorstep.  He informed me that we have 60 days to move out.  He plans to move in.

AND we haven't heard a word on the lil house we saw on Monday.  They had 800 applicants!!!  How do you convince someone that your need is greater than everyone else's?? How do you convince them to rent to you??? 

I spent yesterday afternoon - in a state of shock that fluctuated between shock and extreme anxiety/panic.  I also spent the afternoon looking for other rental properties.  Most of them are charging over $1500 a month for rent and then you have to pay for heating and electricity on top of that!!! (which could run as high as another $300+ a month)   AND there are no houses for sale in our price range on the market.

I am feeling drained and a little bit hopeless right now...............

What a Day!!!

 

 

AND - it's only 9:30 am!!!

I was hyped a bit cause I could book my second shot today at 8 AM.  I had my computer up and running and I was ready to hit the keys at 7:50................
went through all the pages heading up to the 'book now' page.  Hit the book now button and WHOA!!!!!!! my city wasn't even listed.  OMG!  panic hit........ cause I don't do driving to new places well...  THEN I noticed that the city right near our campgrounds was on the list.  Ok I can drive there - my family doctor is there.  WAIT! there's only one day available.......... July 7th GAH!!  we have the lil one then...... so I messaged Sir Steve and he is gonna work from the country that day.  THEN he asked what vaccine I was getting......... GAH!!  they didn't tell me - GAH!! what do I do if it's not Pfizer??   THEN (it just doesn't stop!)  as I entered the date and time in my calendar I noticed that my yearly cancer test is set for the Friday!!  GAH!!  what if ........ what if............
Screw that!  I'll deal with side effects and cancer tests if /when they happen.

And if that wasn't enough............ 

the lil one came home from mother's......... and we were doing our usual chat about the weekend ....... she was chattering away about friends she made .. and then she told me her Auntie Em was there............ AND BOOM!  her whole attitude changed - her face got worried....... and she just ran out of steam.  I knew something was wrong.. so I gently probed.  Turns out the grandmother told her she was NOT to tell S about Auntie Em....... she even knew why - cause it's against the rules to have someone out of your household sleep over........ so two lies sort of.. ugh... you could see the stress on the lil one's face... I praised her over and over for telling the truth - didn't react to the news.... acted as though it was normal to have the aunt sleep over 

When she started school I sent mother a message... I mean F**K this shit..... so I told mom that they were encouraging the lil one to lie... and adding stress to the lil one's life.. and how COULD she allow such a thing to happen to HER child?!!!  all I got was the usual 'woe is me' it's all my mother's fault.  same sh*t different day.   I refused to let her make it all about her - kept bringing her back to the topic of her DAUGHTER!!  the chat finished the way it always does - I feel a tad better 'cause I called her on her shit... and stood up for the lil one's peace of mind............ AGAIN! but will anything change - I can tell you - nothing will change - 99.9% sure!

And all this before 10 am.  - hopefully the rest of the day will go a little smoother.

Over Load

I knew I was stressed and anxious on Sunday......... my body had the shakes... I went from sweating to freezing... I felt nauseous.... 

I didn't fully realize how over loaded my brain was until yesterday.  All I could think yesterday was that I had a virus on my computer........ and that all the lil one's home schooling was on my computer... and I couldn't find a way around ... I panic printed all the urls for the websites for the lil one... I panic printed all the worksheets I could think of.... I just plain panicked.

I had to log in to Google when I wanted to write my blog... I had to log in to the sites for the lil one..... WTF??!!  that had never happened before!

Then in a moment of clarity I realized that the techs that worked with me on Sunday had me set up my pc to clear my cache/history every time I logged off.  

DUH!  no wonder I couldn't just fly around the sites.......... no cache .. no history... DUH! 

Then my computer was dreadfully slow....... I MUST have a virus right?

BUT around dinner time I went out on the front deck to have a smoke and lo and behold there were the familiar white trucks of my internet provider working on the lines. I came in and did a speed check........ it was at it's maximum!!

No virus -- just a problem with the wires (again!!  been happening since January! but I couldn't see that all I could see was the worst possible scenario)

So the only  real problem was my FB account has been hacked.  AND Facebook tells me the profile that is being reported as hacked is NOT!  silly buggers.

By supper last night my body felt like it had been hit by a truck.  My stomach was screaming at me.  

I realized just how fragile I am.  It's as though everything just go too heavy to bear ya know? I think I need some peace in a world that isn't feeling very peaceful these days.

Bad Day

Today is a bad day... a very bad no good kind of day.  

I thought this morning......'what a time to be without anxiety meds'.  That's not to say I am gonna be calling the doctor to get any -- no no the withdrawals from just a year ago are still too fresh in my mind......... 

BUT all the tools that I learned in the Bounce Back program just aren't working ya know?? 

Anyone else having anxiety over this covid 19?? Got any tips for handling it??? 

Trying not to panic.......

I have been trying not to panic over this Covid19 -- I kept telling myself that the media is causing panic.......... we don't need to panic.. everything is going to be ok.  AND it is nice that we live in a relatively small town without too many travellers.

THEN

the government shut down our schools for 3 weeks last night.... sporting events are cancelled .... festivals/concerts are being cancelled........ everywhere I look there  is this corvid19.  It is hard not to be scared ........... 

As well - just to make life interesting -- I am in the high risk group.  I am in the age bracket that gets the serious version of this disease... I have high blood pressure and chronic bronchitis.  UGH!

Last night Sir Steve contacted mother cause 3 weeks ya know?!  And her answer to child care was........ 'well I am starting school on the 23rd so I can't take her'.  You should have heard the language that came out of my mouth (or not) ....... "F**K -  you're both lucky that I'm here right?? just assume I'll step up and take over the child care!!!" ......... REALLY??!!! 

Mind you - if the lil one is with me she's not as likely to pick up ANY bug.... cause I have every intention of 'self isolating'...... avoid crowds and malls and all large crowds.  I have Lysol wipes that I'll take with me IF I have to run to the grocery store.  For me staying home is not hard to do........ being the introvert I am.   I'll pull out her bike and plan some home schooling........ the 3 weeks will fly by.  And hopefully after 3 weeks we'll see some sort of light at the end of the tunnel........ hopefully.

Antsy

It has been growing....... the feeling that my nerves are on edge... small things are irritating me... I am ANTSY.

and it's January..... so basically it is my annual nervous breakdown.

At 2 this morning - lying in the darkness - I thought IF I could take my pill then I wouldn't feel so antsy -- I would be able to stop things from getting under my skin and making me grind my teeth..... and bite my tongue...... IF I could take a pill.

But I won't take that pill.  I have tools now (thanks to Bounce Back) to handle (to some degree) the feelings of irritation.  

Yesterday I washed all the floors in the house... I polished the wood floors... I scrubbed the kitchen floor - on my knees to make sure they were really clean!  that is my OCD kicking in... the need to have everything neat and tidy and clean.  Sir Steve came home from work to pick up the lil one and take her to swimming class... he walked across the kitchen floor with his boots on.  When they were gone there were dirty footprints across my clean kitchen floor.  The tears came -- and the anger came........ didn't anyone else want a clean house?? didn't HE appreciate a clean house?? didn't HE realize how much work it is to get the house this clean??  I paced and I stewed and I slammed cupboard doors as I started to make dinner. 

When they got home I took a deep breath and quietly talked to Sir Steve...... explained how upset I was -- he apologized and supper went on the table.

I talked to myself -- pointed out that this neat/clean fixation was my obsession ... not his.. not the lil one's... all mine.  and in the big picture how important was it really??!
I took deep breaths - I slowed my pulse/heart rate down - I reminded myself this would pass.

And at 2 this morning I wanted a pill ..... I craved a pill....... I needed to deaden the emotions........... BUT I won't take the pill...... slowly things will improve if I keep breathing.... 

Life is good when you resist the temptations and remember to breath.

 

 

It was the worst of times..... it was the best of times

I had an emotional meltdown over the weekend........ a pretty major one.

Sir Steve has been waiting and waiting and waiting for responses to quotes he put out for work.  I had a bad feeling about one of the two.  My gut told me the guy really can't afford the work that needs to be done.  The best chance of the two quotes still hasn't panned out.  Sir Steve has followed up -- but they are still deciding.  It's another BIG job with BIG $$ attached to it.

And so the pressure started to build as the month of April was coming to an end.  No money coming in ..... and no money insight.

By Saturday I was so anxious and stressed I couldn't hold it together anymore. It all came spilling out -- I begged him to go find steady work -- something that would guarantee a pay cheque every two weeks -- at least until his business started bringing in some money. Sir Steve took me on a road trip to visit with my eldest daughter.  Her job is marketing.   She has a helluva lot more experience than I do in that field. 

Even the visit with eldest daughter didn't ease my anxiety.

Every time Sir Steve tried to talk to me all I could do was cry.  

By Sunday night I realized even when he was working with / for the contractor I was anxious.  The contractor never paid on any schedule.  We never knew when one job finished if there would be another.  The contractor had no sense of 'time off' - he would text at 6 in the morning or 9 at night.  He would text on weekends.  AND he got bent out of shape when Sir Steve needed to leave work to go to court -- or refused to work 12 to 14 hour days because he wanted to spend time with his daughter.

It was like everything built up inside of me ... and it all exploded out over the weekend.  

Despite the meltdown -- we got all the stuff moved out of my apartment into Sir Steve's house. (I still need to sort through boxes that were thrown in the basement) BUT all my stuff is now here.

Today I am exhausted - mentally and physically.  Sometime over the weekend Sir Steve wrapped his arms around me and promised me he would go to the employment agency on Monday morning and start finding work....... somewhere anywhere.... so there's a pay cheque coming in regularly.  Sir Steve has never broken a promise to me... not once.  So this morning he got up -- got cleaned up and dressed and has gone to the employment agency.

I told him I don't want him to give up his dreams of building his home renovation business...... I told him I am more than willing to take more responsibility for the lil one .. that I don't even mind if he works on weekends.  I will support whatever it takes for however long it takes to see if his business can get off the ground.  Just please let's have a steady income to cover bills.

I believe the love we have for each other will get us through this tough time.  I believe we are both willing to compromise and work together to make a much better life for us -- as a family -- and as a couple.

And that is a very good thing!

People

I went shopping yesterday -- all day shopping!  I had been really looking forward to my day out ..... I had little things to pick up for Christmas -- stocking stuffers -- and Christmas miscellaneous -- and of course groceries.

I got home with 40 minutes to spare (had to meet the lil one's school bus) and I was wiped!  exhausted!  dead on my feet!  even the lil joys of finding the exact right gifts -- finding so many of the groceries on sale.... did nothing to help my state of mind.

You see -- I hate people..... well that's not exactly true -- I don't hate people -- it's more like they tire me out -- and sometimes scare me -- but mostly confuse me.

I was thinking this morning about this whole social anxiety thing... you see it feels so damn good today to be home safe and know I do not have to set foot out the door.

My parents used to always talk about how difficult I was as a child -- they couldn't tell me when we were going anywhere or doing anything fun cause I would "get myself so worked up with excitement that I would make myself sick".... I remember people telling me (when I grew up) how they couldn't get over how shy I was as a child - hiding behind my parents in social situations.  Of course it didn't help -- I guess -- that my parents took me everywhere -- to adult functions -- as I was an only child for so many years. 

Is social anxiety something you're born with ?? or is it developed?

I wish there was a magic pill that would make it vanish in a puff of smoke -- I really do!  I would love to know how it feels to be comfortable with people -- to be able to shop in crowds and not need a day or two to heal from the experience.  

There are days I would like to be 'normal' -- BUT then I wouldn't be me now would I? 
And I rather like being me -- even with the traces of weirdness around the edges.

Cluster Fuck

Yesterday was a 'cluster fuck'.  It's strange I never use that word -- it's really not even in my vocabulary -- but by 3pm yesterday I was pacing the trailer saying over and over "what a cluster fuck........ what a cluster fuck".

I am not going to go into details because they are too long and too convoluted to even try.  I did however see this cluster fuck coming because a few days ago the lil one and I were at a friend's trailer visiting and the grandmother came over to interrupt.   The lil one continued playing pretty much ignoring the grandmother.  Then for whatever reason the lil one decided to hug and kiss me and tell me how much she loved me (this is NOT uncommon -- something special -- she tends to do it frequently -- so did the children in my classroom for over 30 years!!)  I told Sir Steve that night that there was gonna be fall out from it...........there always is.
 
The fallout happened yesterday.  I had been to the city for a couple of hours and when I got home -- I hadn't even put the car in park - when the lil one came storming across two campsites crying -- telling me I had left the dog alone and she had cried while I was gone.  The lil one sounded so angry with me.  It literally tore my heart out.  I quietly explained to her that the dog has problems being alone -- that the dog cries sometimes -- but she knows the dog is fine!!  I let her go in the trailer and let the dog out -- we put her on her rope and the dog bounced around happy and playful like usual.  BUT it did not console the child.  I had been mean to leave the dog.  I sent the child back to the mother.

I admit I did nothing but storm around the trailer saying IF the mother had been an adult -- even IF the child had been upset by the dog crying - she could have reassured her.  (Please note I highly doubt the child was upset until it was pointed out to her - as the dog cries whenever we leave her and the child has never noticed before!!)

My stomach knotted up -- I started shaking -- I felt the panic attack coming on -- AND the urge to really stir up some shit.  I have seen too many -- way too many -- children used as pawns in custody hearings/divorces.... have seen what it does to them emotionally.  I sent Sir Steve a text message at work.... something I have never done!  He texted back immediately.  AND when he got home and saw the mess I was in -- suggested we come back to the city for the night. 

Poor Sir Steve is devastated -- for his child who is being used as a pawn and for me who is being hurt by this nonsense.  It was a quiet night.

BUT it did me the world of good to be back in the city away from their ever watching eyes.  Away from the pettiness and the vindictiveness ... just away from all of them.  

 

 

 

Shut My Mouth

I spend a whole lot of time every day with the lil one.  I spend a whole lot of time watching how the adults in her family treat / ignore her.  I spend a whole lot of time feeling like it's my job to amuse/entertain/help her.

I am exhausted.

And when I get exhausted I blurt things out -- things that really don't need to be said -- well out loud.

The other day 'mother' left on a holiday -- just up and left.  No communication with us about the length of this holiday -- no communication at all -- which shouldn't surprise me -- there's no communication at all between the adults in her life....... unless it is pure nastiness.

In case you missed this bit about me -- I have OCD.  I need to have control in my life.  I need to have routine.  I need to have schedules and dates marked on the calendar.  Otherwise the stress starts to build and with stress comes anxiety..... and with anxiety comes pure panic. 

Mother can bugger off on a holiday with no end date cause she simply hands off the lil one to Sir Steve.  Sir Steve can go to work without worry cause I am here to babysit the lil one.  The other night I just blurted out 'I am nothing more than a glorified babysitter'.  I honestly didn't mean to say it.......... but I am tired - exhausted really.  The anxiety is piling up.  The tears are always close to the surface.  I am tired of feeling like I am under some magnifying glass.  I am tired of trying so hard to please everyone.....and I feel guilty - so very guilty - when I blurt out to Sir Steve.  He has a lot on his plate too - trying to get his business started - working hard long hours to prove himself too.  Honestly it's the least I can do to help him right??? Pick up the slack so he can concentrate on the business......... 

But I am exhausted.

School starts in two weeks -- I never thought I would be one of THOSE adults that bitched they couldn't wait for school to start.  Not when I was on the other side of that equation.  But here I am .......................

AND the court date (for final custody I am hoping!!) is in 4 weeks..... and I am hoping against hope some sort of routine will be decreed by the courts.  I am hoping for some sort of control .....some sort of routine...... some sort of miracle to happen.... cause right now I need a miracle.

(OH and before anyone thinks the lil one is a difficult child - she's not -- she's charming ... and happy and really doesn't ask for much from me.  It's mostly me -- feeling inadequate and stressed)

Life will be really good if a miracle happens 

 

Last Straw

We had an episode on Saturday --- one in a long line of "episodes" with the ex wife and her family.  

Mostly I have gritted my teeth -- occasionally I have thrown out one line zingers -- like the time she burst onto our deck at 9:30 on a Sunday morning (one of many times that she arrived unannounced and uninvited) and made a comment as she was leaving about enjoying our breakfast and I zinged "we are trying to!"

But mostly I keep my mouth shut and if it really bothers me I will speak to Sir Steve and let him handle it or not.


Saturday we had company for dinner -- 2 other couples. We had finished dinner and were sitting around the campfire (which happens to be at the back of our site) laughing and talking.

Suddenly out of nowhere the ex wife arrives with lil one in tow with soap and a towel and announces that the lil one wants a bath and refuses a shower so please give her a bath.  I swung around and zinged "REALLY??!!" 

Sir Steve got up and took the lil one into the trailer -- SHE then decided to walk into our group to pat the dog and make a fuss.  Our guests were floored (it isn't just me!) and remarked how rude that was.

Not 2 minutes after she left her father showed up behind my chair yelling at me........ YELLING!  Anyone who knows me knows I do NOT handle yelling in any form.  I swung around in my chair and told him firmly "I will not discuss this with you now" and turned my back to him.

My whole body was shaking -- I thought I was going to be sick - and I was heading for a full blown panic attack.

Our guests left early as the mood of the evening had been ruined.

I went into the trailer as rigid as a stone statue.  I washed up the dinner dishes. I got undressed. I climbed into bed and the melt down hit......... full blown melt down!  I took my pills -- I cried -- and cried some more -- Sir Steve lay beside me with his arm wrapped tightly around me -- it didn't help.

Finally I was able to voice the emotions -- I was scared ...... I didn't feel safe -- I was done -- and I was going home in the morning.

It was a bad night for both Sir Steve and I.  Every lil sound had me jumping awake.

In the morning Sir Steve spoke to the ex wife -- laid the law down so to speak.  

The final result is neither she nor her family is welcome to come waltzing on to our site uninvited.  Sir Steve does not want to hear from anyone that I am the 'crazy girlfriend' or the 'slut' or the 'home wrecker'.  AND the mother is going to take the lil one one week on one week off for the rest of the summer (which gives me a HUGE break)

 I am hoping the boundaries set will take -- I am hoping that the rest of my summer will be peaceful and the sense of this being a safe secure sanctuary will return.  But then they don't have a lot of respect for anyone ....... so I truthfully have my doubts.

I do have faith in Sir Steve though -- He has gone to work and I am sitting in the trailer writing this.......jumping a little bit every time I hear someone walking past -- but hoping against hope that this too shall pass.

Stop -- Just Stop !

It all kinda came to a head on Wednesday -- the whole bit about the ex -- about my feeling like a cheap nanny..... and Sir Steve stepped in immediately - lined up a babysitter for in town -- so IF I need some time to myself I can have it without guilt -- and there's a woman at the campgrounds who has said if she's there she'll take her for a few hours to give me a break too..... 

BUT it was much more than all that ya know.... 

My need - my desire -- to be perfect - to have everything under control -- to be able to leap tall buildings -- to be able to do everything absolutely everything with no effort (or seeming effort) and I wasn't..... and I was crumbling.. 

And there is one other HUGE thing........ something I don't talk about -- there is a whacking big age difference between Sir Steve and myself -- like 17 years difference. And I have such a fear that one day Sir Steve is gonna look at me and ask himself what he was doing with such an old woman.  BUT if I could do everything -- how could he ever get rid of me.  Why would he ever look for someone younger / sexier / prettier ..... better than me?  IF I was perfect that is.

 BUT I realized that no matter how hard I work to be perfect 
No matter how hard I try to please Sir Steve
No matter how hard I try to please the lil one

He could still one day decide he wanted someone younger, prettier, sexier and there is really nothing I can do about that (experience is the best teacher ya know) 

AND maybe -- just maybe -- if I am just me and stop obsessing over being this super woman -- this perfect woman -- IF I just relax and be me -- then things might be calmer and happier and definitely a whole lot less stressful.

I have to STOP trying so hard..... just stop it!  and let the cards fall where they may right?