Hanging on........

I am feeling just a wee bit cranky.... a wee bit tired... a wee bit frustrated.

It's really tough to be a step mom - to enforce the rules - to set limits - to be "on" 5 days a week.

I am too old for this shit.  I need a break - a holiday.

Thank god next week is Spring Break and the lil one will be with her mother for the week.  (Mind you after a week at her mother's god only knows the problems that I will have to deal with)

I have no plans for next week -- I am going to recharge my batteries.  I am going to do nothing...... not one damn thing!   We may be eating a whole lot of fast food..... and wearing dirty clothes....... not one damn thing... I swear!!!  

Life is good when Spring break comes before you break.

Shut My Mouth

I spend a whole lot of time every day with the lil one.  I spend a whole lot of time watching how the adults in her family treat / ignore her.  I spend a whole lot of time feeling like it's my job to amuse/entertain/help her.

I am exhausted.

And when I get exhausted I blurt things out -- things that really don't need to be said -- well out loud.

The other day 'mother' left on a holiday -- just up and left.  No communication with us about the length of this holiday -- no communication at all -- which shouldn't surprise me -- there's no communication at all between the adults in her life....... unless it is pure nastiness.

In case you missed this bit about me -- I have OCD.  I need to have control in my life.  I need to have routine.  I need to have schedules and dates marked on the calendar.  Otherwise the stress starts to build and with stress comes anxiety..... and with anxiety comes pure panic. 

Mother can bugger off on a holiday with no end date cause she simply hands off the lil one to Sir Steve.  Sir Steve can go to work without worry cause I am here to babysit the lil one.  The other night I just blurted out 'I am nothing more than a glorified babysitter'.  I honestly didn't mean to say it.......... but I am tired - exhausted really.  The anxiety is piling up.  The tears are always close to the surface.  I am tired of feeling like I am under some magnifying glass.  I am tired of trying so hard to please everyone.....and I feel guilty - so very guilty - when I blurt out to Sir Steve.  He has a lot on his plate too - trying to get his business started - working hard long hours to prove himself too.  Honestly it's the least I can do to help him right??? Pick up the slack so he can concentrate on the business......... 

But I am exhausted.

School starts in two weeks -- I never thought I would be one of THOSE adults that bitched they couldn't wait for school to start.  Not when I was on the other side of that equation.  But here I am .......................

AND the court date (for final custody I am hoping!!) is in 4 weeks..... and I am hoping against hope some sort of routine will be decreed by the courts.  I am hoping for some sort of control .....some sort of routine...... some sort of miracle to happen.... cause right now I need a miracle.

(OH and before anyone thinks the lil one is a difficult child - she's not -- she's charming ... and happy and really doesn't ask for much from me.  It's mostly me -- feeling inadequate and stressed)

Life will be really good if a miracle happens 

 

Ridiculous Week

Sir Steve's birthday is tomorrow.  Saturday is his big birthday bash.  I have been going back and forth to the city all week to bake and shop and organise.  I haven't been sleeping (making my endless lists in my head) I think Sir Steve is tired of my obsessing over trying to make everything perfect for Saturday.  Why in god's name did I think I could pull off a fancy dinner party at a camp ground ??!!  I need my head examined.

On the bright side though -- all my baking has turned out perfectly -- only one hanging basket of flowers has wilted (his mom is a plant fiend and I wanted the perfection to extend to even the flowers) -- and I am on track to be totally prepared by tomorrow at 5 when his parents arrive for a pre birthday dinner.

but I am exhausted

and the tears of exhaustion are never very far away.


On a very bright note.... remember the cousin I told you about - the lil girl who hid behind a tree because of some nasty talk at the other trailer.  Well I have been talking to her whenever I see her -- smiling a lot -- being cheerful and interested and engaging whenever I have bumped into her.......... and last night she just bounced up onto our deck to have a visit.  looks like my plan has worked -- show her she has nothing to worry about......... 

Sir Steve's special present from me is all ready - finally.... despite my printer acting up ....... it's safely locked in my trunk until tomorrow night -- hopefully his parents will toddle off to their hotel early enough so I can give it to him before he poops out -- or I do......and maybe squeeze in some private time before the total chaos which will be my weekend arrives.

I realize as I sit here in the early morning quiet (when I really should be getting dressed and rushing back to the city ) that there won't be a whole lot of quiet time this weekend..... won't be any private time for my mind and soul to recharge.... I wish I could bottle this peace and quiet .... for emergencies (small smile)

But it is only one weekend and I love this man so much I would sacrifice just about anything to make sure THIS birthday is special.

Life is good when love can carry you through the chaos.

Whirling Dervish

My 'whirling dervish' lost it's whirl.

I noticed Tuesday I had little energy -- but I still went to work -- went to the gym -- baked and did laundry.  My muscles ached... my bones ached... I felt like shit.  AND for some reason I was touchy when I talked to Sir Steve and was more than a little quiet to avoid saying anything upsetting.

Yesterday I was dead on my feet.  I managed to go to work and limped through my time with my lil guy and couldn't wait to get home.   I finished up the baking and just collapsed on the sofa and didn't move for the rest of the day.  

I don't know if my B12 problem is acting up again or if it is just plain exhaustion from thinking and planning and yes stressing a bit. 

I'll be so damn glad when I am moved and settled in........ in the meantime I will try to be less whirling dervish and more stop and smell the roses .......  

Long Day

Just a little humour -- otherwise I might cry.

I am pooped and my day hasn't even started.  It was hard getting back into routine yesterday -- work - then the gym - then drop my new computer off to be fixed (finally) - then home to do laundry and make some appointments -- and then I got called back into work.

Today is gonna be busier if possible -- 
work - gym - accountant for my taxes - pick up my computer which is fixed - hairdresser appointment - then a doctor's appointment......... oh and hopefully finish my laundry in between

For some reason I have a feeling the next 8 weeks are gonna be just as busy - I am making lists for fear I forget something............. 

Once I finally get moved to Cornwall I am gonna need a vacation -- a longgggggggggg vacation.

Tired

I'm tired today - to the bone tired. 

I have gone back to the gym -- after intermittent attendance  -- I am back 5 days a week and it's killing me.  Oh I know after a couple of weeks of this my body will adjust and I will be fine....... but today i am tired.

Yesterday I met up with Hands and CG for an early dinner.  It was good to see them again -- and catch up on each other's news.  We even made tentative promises to organise a date for dinner with Sir Steve.  I would really enjoy that ya know -- to have two of my dearest friends meet my oldest friend.

But for today my brain aches ......... so I will end here and share this with you ....

 

Terrible Awful No Good Day

Yesterday really was a terrible awful no good day!  

I have been missing LLF bad this week -- and we're not seeing each other this weekend.

So yesterday I decided that sitting around missing him wasn't gonna cut it anymore.  Get busy I told myself.  

So I dragged out the ladder and the bucket and the cleaning solutions.  Pulled the furniture out of the living room and decided to wash the walls -- wash the floors -- vacuum the furniture - in other words start spring cleaning.  Keeping busy would take my mind off how long 10 days really are......... 

In the moving of the furniture I forgot the vase filled with river rocks.......... 

on the bright side I didn't have to clean the vase or wash the river rocks.

I got the living room done by mid afternoon -- the dining room was kinda staring at me (it is just off the living room and shares a common wall)  I thought to myself 'tomorrow' I was tired ...... (never mind the physical work -- but it's been days since I had a full night's sleep)

BUT -- the dining room kept calling my name.  So I decided to clean out the china cabinet -- wash all the glasses and crystal -- polish the mirrored back and wash the glass shelving.

I got the first half done and was putting the shelf back in when -- I have no idea what happened -- but the middle shelf on the other side came crashing down.......

If I wasn't so shocked I would have sat down and cried.  I managed to get everything out and survey the damage -- broken brackets -- broken shelf -- broken figurines and chipped crystal.

I gave up and cried.  and cried.  and cried.

Then LLF came on line and I sat down to tell him my news when I realized I was bleeding all over the keyboard... on top of everything else I managed to slice my finger and my hand on the broken .... whatever -- I have no idea what I cut myself on.

And I started crying again. I felt like I couldn't win for trying.

Some days are terrible awful no good days....... and yesterday was one of them.