I spend a whole lot of time every day with the lil one. I spend a whole lot of time watching how the adults in her family treat / ignore her. I spend a whole lot of time feeling like it's my job to amuse/entertain/help her.
I am exhausted.
And when I get exhausted I blurt things out -- things that really don't need to be said -- well out loud.
The other day 'mother' left on a holiday -- just up and left. No communication with us about the length of this holiday -- no communication at all -- which shouldn't surprise me -- there's no communication at all between the adults in her life....... unless it is pure nastiness.
In case you missed this bit about me -- I have OCD. I need to have control in my life. I need to have routine. I need to have schedules and dates marked on the calendar. Otherwise the stress starts to build and with stress comes anxiety..... and with anxiety comes pure panic.
Mother can bugger off on a holiday with no end date cause she simply hands off the lil one to Sir Steve. Sir Steve can go to work without worry cause I am here to babysit the lil one. The other night I just blurted out 'I am nothing more than a glorified babysitter'. I honestly didn't mean to say it.......... but I am tired - exhausted really. The anxiety is piling up. The tears are always close to the surface. I am tired of feeling like I am under some magnifying glass. I am tired of trying so hard to please everyone.....and I feel guilty - so very guilty - when I blurt out to Sir Steve. He has a lot on his plate too - trying to get his business started - working hard long hours to prove himself too. Honestly it's the least I can do to help him right??? Pick up the slack so he can concentrate on the business.........
But I am exhausted.
School starts in two weeks -- I never thought I would be one of THOSE adults that bitched they couldn't wait for school to start. Not when I was on the other side of that equation. But here I am .......................
AND the court date (for final custody I am hoping!!) is in 4 weeks..... and I am hoping against hope some sort of routine will be decreed by the courts. I am hoping for some sort of control .....some sort of routine...... some sort of miracle to happen.... cause right now I need a miracle.
(OH and before anyone thinks the lil one is a difficult child - she's not -- she's charming ... and happy and really doesn't ask for much from me. It's mostly me -- feeling inadequate and stressed)
Life will be really good if a miracle happens
Gosh this sounds like my life - except the 3000 miles between me and Master.
ReplyDeleteI can say that the court date will help as with us after many years it has finally been settled and although Master has full custody at least we know and can plan accordingly! It is hard to be a step parent or girlfriend and be so involved with the little one. I do it first because I love him and second, my little one (who actually is bigger than me) deserves a Mommy that loves and adores her and someone she can count on 100%. We are lucky that we are able to see each other very often regardless of the miles, but I am not going to say it is easy to raise another's child especially when you thought you were done years ago. No doubt Sir Steve appreciates all you are given to both of them and I just take one day at time and know that I am making such a huge impact in a child's life and that keeps me sane. I do however ALWAYS remember, that she is not mine (even if she is in my heart) and that ultimately Master needs to make all the decisions and sometimes I have to shut my mouth or step back and let him step in to do what is needed. They are both lucky to have you!
~faithful
I'm so sorry to hear that you're exhausted , Morningstar. I can imagine how tiring it can be.
ReplyDeleteI feel for you, morningstar. I wouldn't want to be stuck babysitting someone else's kid all day, every day. What about the babysitter Sir S arranged for? or the neighbour who offered to give you some time off?
ReplyDeleteSurely there was some sort of court decision regarding visitation. Can't the court step in if you ask, and lay down the law to her now? If she doesn't obey court decisions now, what's to say she will after the final court decision?
Hugs,
Hermione