Update

 

 

Sometime over the weekend I had to admit defeat..... I had to say it out loud...
"I have a problem"

The realization started on Friday when I went to the hairdresser.  I could barely walk the half block to the shop.  And then my hairdresser said to me "You are wasting away in front of me".  Yes I have lost that much weight. 

And so I finally said it out loud to Sir Steven - I have a problem... and promised to call the doctor this morning.

I just got off the phone with his office.  They are trying to find me an appointment and will call me back.  

Keep a good thought for me ok?? I sorta kinda feel like my world is spinning out of control.

Filling in the blanks

 

 

So what really has been going on around here??? This much stress from a move??? Well let's not forget Sir Steve's dad died in June..... and we are still dealing with the details and emotions and personalities from that.......... then in Sept Sir Steve had a small health issue - saw his doctor and we thought that was that...... BUT in November he went back to see the doctor cause the problem had not resolved itself.  Then we had the move that hit in December till February....... Then that health issue of Sir Steve's was still hanging about .... so in March he went to see another doctor and get a 2nd opinion............. 

AND you guessed it - 2nd opinion was not a brush off -  no 'nothing to worry about'....... nope this doctor mentioned the dreaded C word (cancer).  and referred Sir Steve to a surgeon............ It felt as though my world had fallen off it's axis... I couldn't breath. 

We had to wait 2 weeks to see the surgeon.  We saw him on Thursday.  He was very thorough.... poked and prodded.  He has ordered a  CT scan - and possibly a biopsy.  BUT on a positive note he didn't think it was cancer.  He thinks it may be a problem stemming from a surgery Sir Steve had over 15 years ago.  He also said the area in question was not deep (which was worrying me cause ya know 9 months delay on the diagnosis) but seemed superficial to him.  As he was talking I felt my body deflating.... I felt the pain in my muscles easing....... 

We're still facing surgery ......... but hopefully not cancer surgery.

My body has a long way to go to return to health - the stress has really done a number on it.... 

B12

 

 If you remember a few weeks back I confessed I was feeling like crap and that I thought it was a B12 deficiency...... and said I would let you know if my diagnosis was right..... (based on past experience)

Well I am here to say - YUP!  I am feeling better.  I have found my words again - and when I can't think of a word I don't panic....... I am not nearly as tired - and most of my body aches have disappeared.  I am not AS anxious as I was - though am still stressed and get anxious - but I'm putting that down to the move and all the pressures that come with a move.

I am not going to stop my B12 supplements again..... not gonna take mega doses BUT will take a small supplement every day - I don't want to go through that again!

A week ago Sir Steve had some tests done ...... and today we are going to get the results.  I am hoping they have a solution ......... an easy one ya know.  I just don't think we can handle anything more serious right now............. 

The Pill Saga

 

 

About 20 years ago - or so - I was put on blood pressure medicine.  Once they got me on pills that didn't have too many side effects I never gave them another thought - just took my pill every morning with my 2nd cup of coffee.

Until

Covid.  Then I had trouble getting my pills.  I heard the doctors were using the pills for covid patients..... Life became stressful every 3 months when I had to order them... would they have them?? would they have to give me a substitute?  

Then life settled down and I had no problems getting my pills.

Until

2 weeks ago.  I ordered my prescription online.  The pills would be delivered in 48 hours.  72 hours later my pills hadn't arrived.  I called the drugstore.  They told me my pills had been recalled due to a cancer causing agent being found in them?!! (they couldn't have called to tell me??!!)  I asked about the substitute pills - they had been recalled as well.  They said they would fax my doctor and get a prescription for a new drug. WOW you think they would have done that as soon as they knew my pills had been recalled.......... ah well.

I waited another 5 days then called the drugstore again.  They said my doctor had renewed my prescription for the recalled drugs??!!!!  They suggested I call my doctor and get him to prescribe a new drug.  (again they couldn't have called me to tell me?!)

I called.  The nurse said she would leave him a note.

I waited another 2 days and called the drugstore again.  They said they hadn't received anything.............. le sigh

I called the doctor's office again.  (Now I was down to 4 day's worth of meds) I explained AGAIN what I needed.  They said the office had faxed the drugstore and asked them to recommend a new drug.  WTF??!!  The drugstore is going to pick the best drug for me? I thought that was my doctor's job??!!!!  GRRRRR.

I called the drugstore back and explained my doctor wanted a recommendation.  Shock at the drugstore.  I was so frustrated I said " listen - just go eeny meeny miny moe and pick one!!" This was on Wednesday.

Thursday I had a phone call from the doctor's office telling me they had sent a new prescription to the drugstore.

Thursday afternoon I got an email from the drugstore telling me my prescription was ready for pick up.  (it's supposed to be delivered - but now I want to talk to the druggist about this new pill) I am picking them up this morning. 

Is it normal to expect the patient to be the go-between with the drugstore and the doctor??? I don't know - I'm old fashioned I guess - but I kinda expect my doctor to pick the best drugs for me  - to call the drugstore and give them the prescription.  I kinda expect my drugstore to contact the doctor's office if there is a problem with my drugs... OR at the very least call me so I know there is a problem........... 

I am SO not impressed and have no idea who to complain to..........

 

Life's Ups and Downs

 

 

Don't we all have a plan for how life should go???  And seldom does that plan include a road filled with ups and downs........ we prefer straight on till tomorrow no???

We've had a couple of rough years around here......... it started with covid doing a number on my anxiety........ and it moved on to Sir Steve's health issues.  Joy oh Joy!  Not much 'fun' going on here with the bumps in the road - let me tell you.

But about a month ago Sir Steve finally got an appointment with a specialist...... She recommended another specialist and some new meds.  Sir Steve started the new meds last Thursday.  It came with side effects - and he managed to develop them ALL !  BUT within 48 hours he was moving easier with a whole lot less pain YAY!!! so he decided to stick out the meds and pray the side effects disappeared.  They didn't.

It was an awful weekend - poor Sir Steve pushed through it all so that we could have our Thanksgiving celebration with eldest daughter and SIL.  By Monday I suggested he stop the damn pills.... it just wasn't worth it..... and to call the doc on Tuesday when her office opened. By Tuesday night almost all the pain was back - on top of the side effects.  

By Wednesday the side effects were gone - and the pain was back full on.

On Wednesday night he started some new pills.  I held my breath.  By this morning - no side effects (at least not that he's told me) and the pain is easing.   

I'm thinking when things are running smoothly we need to cram all the good stuff in ......... enough to tide us over till the next smooth running ya know??? Cause life consists of ups and downs - sometimes more downs than ups.  But as my grandmother always use to say "This too shall pass" 

4th Week

 

This is the 4th week since my fall.  I have finished my prescription for muscle relaxants and still have another week of pain pills and sleeping pills.

BUT 

I have been living in a fog ......... my energy comes in fits and starts... I go to write a blog and it takes forever to put the words together and have them make sense.  AND I don't always have the ability to answer the comments .... all I want to do is sleep.

Yesterday I cut my pain pills in half...... and I didn't take the sleeping pill.   I had a so/so night.... waking up frequently with pain in my ass and leg....... tossing and turning.  BUT on the bright side my head is clearer today - not so foggy. 

I'm tired of this ya know?  I just want to feel like me again.
 

Colour Me Blue

 

It's Friday
It's snowing
It's slippy

and I am done!  Today should be my one big excitement boost of the week - doing the groceries.  I haven't done them for 2 weeks cause of the muscle injury...... BUT I'm still dizzy from the pain pills - therefore shouldn't drive.  I woke with pain again in my leg/bum and don't dare risk even a twist..... never mind a fall.

I'm feeling old.............. very old.... old as dirt old...........
I'm feeling useless - can't even do the groceries..........
I'm feeling depressed and stare crazy from being locked in the house for 2? 3? weeks I can't even remember - feels like forever.... Nothing to look forward to... nothing to plan for.... AND yesterday I heard our government might cancel March break.......... which means my week off from home schooling probably won't happen :(

I shed tears for no good reason. 

Just colour me BLUE

In between Naps.......

 

 

I may become an expert at napping!  Between boredom... pain... and pain pills naps have become my best friend.  

AND kdpierre - I loved your suggestions for things to do between the pain bursts... but I am not supposed to sit for any length of time... walking is good.... standing is good...lying flat on my back is good.  So I seriously can't see myself writing blog entries to queue for future posting or GOD FORBID cruising porn??!!!  REALLY??? OMG!!!  and what do I do with the let's say "burning desire" that might come from all that cruising?? OMG I can not imagine masturbating with damaged tendons / frozen muscles / and a bruised sciatica......... LOL.......... I CAN see myself masturbating as the big O hits ... body twisting and contorting with it............ the RED HOT PAIN hits and I crash down onto the sofa with contorted muscles unable to move - shrieking not in joy but in pain .  (cheeky grin) with friends like you kd - who needs enemies??!! LOL

 

Seriously though ... between my naps I have still been doing home schooling with the lil one .......... and with Sir Steve's help we have managed to do her once a week cooking session.

The food kit we enrolled her in for Christmas sent January's kit - which was food from Italy.  Last week the lil one with the help of her dad made cheese stuffed ravioli...

 

                                                        rolling out the pasta

 

                                      plated and ready to eat - it was quite good!!

it was very good - but honestly - buying a package of frozen ravioli sounds like a much better plan...... it's quicker, cheaper and doesn't leave the mess making from scratch did...........

Yesterday she made chocolate tiramisu with me propped on a chair supervising. It too was quite good......... (Sir Steve and I thought a shot of coffee liqueur might have made it a bit more interesting)

BUT it turned out quite well .... and even this chocolate hater had to admit it was good!

 

And so life trundles along .... slowly... painfully slowly!

 

 

Just a lil depressed..........

 

 

Woke this morning feeling so damn discouraged.... my leg throbs, my hip aches, I'm dizzy, I have no patience and no motivation!  

BUT

sitting on my ass all day depresses me ....... GAH!  I used to love sitting my ass on the sofa after a day of chores -- but now if I do one chore a day it's been a good day -- BUT -- one chore doesn't rate sitting my ass on the sofa type reward ya know?

not even counting how many days are behind me help -- cause it's been over 2 weeks since my fall - and 6 days on the pills - and I kinda thought I would be more myself by now ..... and of course being me ... I'm fussing over what happens when the pills run out? do I have to go back to the doctor?? what if I have to have more tests? 

Yeah today's a little depressed day...........  

Limping along..........

 

 

Made it to the emergency clinic yesterday morning - stressed and anxious. The doctor explained that when the technician read the Xrays she saw that the tendons down the side of the spine had been damaged as well as the sciatica nerve being bruised and the gluteus maximus (muscle) had spasmed into a rock.

Nothing anyone can really do -- I have exercises to do - and 3 different prescriptions to take.  The pain is more tolerable - though I did wake at 4:00 this morning with pain shooting down my left leg.  

I HATE the pills - they fog my brain - make walking a challenge ... I loop around rather than walk and tend to bump into things.... and my patience is virtually non-existent - and all I want to do is sleep.

Looking for the bright spot...... I guess it could have been worse.... it could have been a tumour (and that's where my brain went ) Sir Steven's brain went fracture and hospitalization ........ so yeah - tendon,muscle, nerve damage is better than the alternative.  

Now if I could just learn to be patient till this mess heals...............  

Two Steps forward - one step back

 

 

Sooooooooo I went to the dentist yesterday for my post op checkup.

Guess what?

My extractions are infected.  (le sigh)

Now I am on antibiotics for 7 days - and she told me sternly "REST". and I am not to wear my dentures except for eating until next Monday when I see her again.  

Ask me if I'm a little down............... I had high hopes of being 100% by this coming weekend....... got me some plans........... 

BUT - on the plus side - I'm not losing my mind.  Since last week I have been feeling punky ya know?  not myself.... now I know why........ in the big picture this is just a little hiccup .............   

Horse's Ass

 

Sooooooo I went to see the denturist yesterday morning..... Appointment time 10:00 am.

I got there at 9:58....... the waiting room was full!!!  I was told he was running a bit behind schedule - it would be 10 minutes... so I told them I would wait in my car - 15 minutes later I entered the waiting room - it was empty ..... I sat down and waited .. and waited .. and waited.

20 minutes later I was called in...... 10 minutes after that he wandered in to see me.  that made him 45 minutes late!!!  

When I told him the agony I had been in he said 'ohhhhhh everyone goes through that' 

WTF???? everyone goes through that??!!!  AND he didn't think to warn me??!!  I said to him - ' do you realize how much easier it would have been to know this pain was normal?? Do you realize how much I stressed that something was very wrong???!!"

He laughed!!

yes you read that right - he laughed!!!! He then told me he would fix it all up and it would be fine!  Honestly I didn't believe him.... I could not imagine that he could do anything that would make it possible to put the plate back in my mouth....... my gums looked like raw hamburger meat!! The bones felt like they were crushed!!  

He wandered away - said it would take about 10 minutes.  When he wandered back he slipped the plate into my mouth -- I was white knuckling it BEFORE he even got the plate in my mouth....... I only knew the excruciating pain that had been my reality for the last 4 days......... 

There were a couple of ouchie spots - and he fixed those.  There was a problem with the bite on my left side - he fixed that.  He even put a rubber coating on the top of the plate - the bit that goes against the roof of my mouth.  

When he was done - he said he'd see me in 3 weeks - I said 'you'll see me sooner IF I have any problem!!  ANY problem!  I'm not going through that again!" 

Other than the bad taste from the rubber coating - things seem much better.  My jaw is still tender - still healing from the extractions - but for the most part it was 100% better.  I even managed to eat mashed potatoes and a hamburger pattie for supper!!!  (all mushed together - but hey it was real food!)

Here's hoping life will improve and I'll soon be back to 'normal'........  

It's a 10!

 

 

know how when you go to the doctor's they always ask you to rate your pain on a scale of     1 to 10??  

The last 4 days the pain in my mouth - no not mouth - face - no not face - HEAD!! is a 10 - a resounding 10! 

I am going to see the denturist today - he better have some answers..... I haven't had the plate in my mouth for 24 hours as I couldn't stand the pain - and no amount of pain pills even dulled it.

This is not what I had hoped for..........

Day After

I am here...... feeling like I've been hit by a truck .... BUT the surgery is over and I have my smile back.  YAY!

 

Sir Steve is working from home so I can lie on the sofa and moan (grinning) I'm taking pain meds every 4 hours and waiting till the swelling goes down and my face feels normal again

One thing........ I was told to eat lots of ice cream - I'm not a big fan but hey it's easy to get down.......... AND a bonus - no brain freeze with the plate in the roof of my mouth!! 

Warning Label

 

 

 

 My ham sandwich should have come with a warning label........... cause on Monday when I took a bite out of it... I heard a loud crack!!  and my front tooth was wiggly....... no pain just wiggly.

I managed to find a dentist locally who was taking emergency appointments... and managed to get an appointment yesterday at 11am.  A neighbour up here agreed to 'babysit' the lil one for me (thank god for good neighbours!!)

11 AM found me in the dentist's chair having heart palpitations and a major 'fight or flight' response.  BUT let me tell you this dentist was a good one!!! calmed me right down.  Turns out the tooth broke at the jaw line and the only thing holding it in were the gums!!  (oh and there was no decay to speak of..... go figure!!)

 

 

The tooth was pulled.  We talked about my alternatives........ and because I am missing a couple of teeth in the upper jaw we are going to start 'cosmetic dentistry'  Gonna be a bit of a haul - but when all is said and done - I'll have my 'winning' smile back........ and an empty bank account!!!

I won't be doing much smiling until then............. 

Life is good when........... mmmmmm.... when.....

it's only a broken tooth

Covid 19

I don't know about anyone else -- but this Covid 19 is causing frustration, stress, anxiety and anger for me.  Mostly I think because of the misinformation circulating .. and the panic buying.  AND I really need to rant about it.... 


I don't get the general wide spread panic........ no toilet paper to be had anywhere??!!  What the hell is wrong with people??!!  I have seen pictures/videos of people buying shopping carts FULL of nothing but toilet paper!!  Sir Steve and I worked it out - they have enough to last over a year for god's sakes!!  Pessimistic much?  Yesterday I ran to our grocery store when they opened armed with Lysol disinfecting wipes....there was 1/2 the normal bread supply........ no spaghetti sauces (or ingredients to make your own - which is what I do) and yet shelves of pasta.  Shelves of sugar but only one 5lb bag of flour.  No fresh meat.  

We have been told there is no problem with the supply chain.......... if people would stop panic shopping there would be loads of supplies for everyone......... these shortages are causing people to panic more.

Oh and then there is the misinformation........... it's enough to drive a sane person crazy..... all these bloody 'experts' (in my opinion almost as bad as the hoarders - causing panic)

I have read information from these medical experts that say

Covid 19 symptoms are a sore throat / fever and cough.  No nasal / sinus involvement but if you read the whole article at the bottom it says you land up drowning in the nasal discharge....... really?? how come the WHO hasn't told us about this nasal symptom??? 

Then there's the experts out of Japan who are telling us that if we drink water every 15 minutes that the virus will be washed out of our bodies

BUT the one that got me the most was someone I know - who is a nurse - who is claiming the Covid 19 has been in Canada since before Christmas and the government isn't telling us..... she  claims that Covid 19 involves diarrhea and vomiting ....how does she know that?? cause nurses she works with went home before Christmas with fever, vomiting and diarrhea and some of them took over a month to get better.  She is also publicly telling folks to stock up on alcohol cause that will cure you.  She says at the first sign of a sore throat you should take 3 shots of liquor.  DEAR GOD!!  and the worst part -- people are listening to her!!!

I am doing what I can do to keep the virus out of this house..... I am social distancing myself..... after yesterday's run for groceries I am home for at least 3 weeks (it helps that there is no confirmed case in our small town) I am lecturing Sir Steve (whose job does not allow him to work from home -- and involves dealing with contractors) to not shake hands - to wash his hands... 

I have cleaned up my facebook -- dumping a whole mess of 'friends' who do nothing more than spread rumours and delight in causing panic.  I am only allowing myself to watch one news show -- our morning news.  

AND we have cancelled my eldest grandson's birthday celebrations until the worst is over........ hopefully (though I don't hold much hope) before his mother's 40 birthday at the end of April.

As for being in the house for 3 weeks - grinning - I say I have been training for this for my whole life!  

Blog friends let me leave you with this thought and hopefully smile........

did I hear a collective 'awwwwwwww' ?

Trying not to panic.......

I have been trying not to panic over this Covid19 -- I kept telling myself that the media is causing panic.......... we don't need to panic.. everything is going to be ok.  AND it is nice that we live in a relatively small town without too many travellers.

THEN

the government shut down our schools for 3 weeks last night.... sporting events are cancelled .... festivals/concerts are being cancelled........ everywhere I look there  is this corvid19.  It is hard not to be scared ........... 

As well - just to make life interesting -- I am in the high risk group.  I am in the age bracket that gets the serious version of this disease... I have high blood pressure and chronic bronchitis.  UGH!

Last night Sir Steve contacted mother cause 3 weeks ya know?!  And her answer to child care was........ 'well I am starting school on the 23rd so I can't take her'.  You should have heard the language that came out of my mouth (or not) ....... "F**K -  you're both lucky that I'm here right?? just assume I'll step up and take over the child care!!!" ......... REALLY??!!! 

Mind you - if the lil one is with me she's not as likely to pick up ANY bug.... cause I have every intention of 'self isolating'...... avoid crowds and malls and all large crowds.  I have Lysol wipes that I'll take with me IF I have to run to the grocery store.  For me staying home is not hard to do........ being the introvert I am.   I'll pull out her bike and plan some home schooling........ the 3 weeks will fly by.  And hopefully after 3 weeks we'll see some sort of light at the end of the tunnel........ hopefully.

Under the weather

For the last ten days I have been feeling 'under the weather'.  It's a chronic condition that was diagnosed 9 years ago and involved nearly 4 weeks in hospital.  I haven't had too much trouble since then -- oh the occasional twinge -- but this time it's seems to be a bigger deal.  On Sunday I bit the bullet and put myself on a liquid diet.  I am on day 3 ....... I am as weak as a kitten and the pain is not much better.  In the back of my mind is the thought I might have to actually give in and go see a doctor...... colour me not thrilled with that idea.  BUT they (medical people) do say that 7 days of liquid diet (broths jello juices) can heal this problem.  I am hoping.

Yesterday was yet another strike day .......... and the lil one was home for the day.  Sir Steve took the day off to allow me to rest .......... he even took the lil one grocery shopping!!  When they came home they brought this for me - in the hopes it might cheer me up......................

Then this afternoon I came to sit on the couch and there on the table was this note from the lil one

Life is good when loved ones take care of you.............


 

On Being Submissive

I've been celebrating my submissiveness for over 25 years.  For most of those years the image I had in my head looked pretty much like the picture above...... both literally and figuratively..... on a leash - under someone's control.

There was a 'way of behaving'... there were protocols... I learned to be quiet and invisible.

UNTIL 

Sir Steve came back into my life and showed me (reprogrammed me) that submissive doesn't -- really does NOT mean -- doormat!  and it's much more than a leash and spankings and sex.

There are still moments where I miss the fantasy world of submission that I created... but then I realize this ... THIS... is way more realistic and do-able.

and thank god for that !!  because the struggles I am having these days would destroy me ....... I am far far from being the 'good submissive' my fantasy world required.  

I realized on the weekend I am 'snappish' and impatient and cranky. Not all the time -- but more (much more) than usual.  Last night I stepped over the dog's feet one too many times and yipped at her to get on her bed -- that I was tired of falling over her........ the lil one came out to have her hair brushed before bed ... and she had gotten something in her hair and it was gummy and hard to brush -- and I snapped at her......... Then I snapped at Sir Steve over the lil one's bedtime....... then I went outside to have a cigarette and cool down.

When I came back in I apologized ....... Sir Steve got up and came and wrapped his arms around me.... he whispered in my ear that he got it...... I wasn't responsible for these moods....... that he had my back and we'd get through this together... 

It made me cry  (well I kinda cry over everything these days)  

BUT this is more D/s than any other relationship I have ever had.  I believe no matter what Sir Steve will help me through it......... he does have my back -- he will protect me -- support me -- be there for me.

Life is good when the reality is much better than the fantasy.

Advocating for Myself........

If you remember -- when I saw the new doctor he decided to wean me off some meds I've been on for the last 15+ years and put me on something new.

I tend to freeze when a doctor is telling me what's best for me..... and like a "good lil girl" I do what he tells me to...... so for the last 2 weeks I have been swallowing these new pills even though in the back on my mind was the question " do I need these?"

The side effects are devastating........ sleepiness is one of them..... and when I say sleepiness I mean the inability to function during the day -- feeling like I am drugged (yeah yeah I know technically I am) 

Then there was the low grade headache I had 24/7...... I do NOT do headaches well at all!

Then there was the winner -- nausea !!  It got so bad that even though I got hungry I could barely eat because the nausea was so severe.   

And the latest one that popped up this week was the "runs" .... I didn't dare leave the house for fear I would need a toilet.

I was going to call the doctor -- but realized he had told me he would be away till the end of the month. I was trying very hard to tough it out 

Then the other morning I stopped and went "WHOA -- I need to advocate for myself.  These pills are not working -- and on top of that I have no reason to think I need them." 

So last night I did not take the pill.  This morning I was actually hungry and managed to eat breakfast with no nausea!  I still have the low grade headache but am assuming that will disappear too with time.  I will see my doctor in a couple of weeks and we can discuss my decision to not medicate something  I don't have.