So close to losing it

 

 

I'm so damn close to blowing my top............

On the weekend the lil one was fed
(ready for this?)
breaded chicken burgers
fried chicken - for 2 dinners
Then she was given 2 boxes of M&M's ........ a kit kat chocolate bar ... and 2 bags of chips.

She didn't wash her hands or face all weekend!  She only brushed her teeth twice

The only good thing..... if you can call it that .... she now has 2 pimples on her face.  Believe you me - I pointed out the natural consequences from eating so much junk food and not washing her face!  Never mind the amount of carbs and sugar she ate which just blows her sugar levels ........... 

Remember back aways - I talked about how good life was - Sir Steve's new meds were working and WOW!  adult time was fast improving??? how life was starting to level off and I was looking forward to better days???  Yeah - well not so much now

Who the hell did I piss off ???

Week from Hell

 

 Remember I told you our landlord has sold our lil home??? Welllllllll there were outstanding work permits that he had to get completed before the signing date.  One of those permits was for an 'illegal - not to code' sump pump. Do you know what a sump pump does?? it pumps water out of the basement.  The sump pump was removed.  Do you see a problem with this?

Yeah........ I went downstairs two weeks ago - after a week of rain  - to 2 inches of water in the basement!!!  We called the landlord.  He conveniently ignored us for days........... I guess he was hoping it would dry up on it's own.  BUT it has been raining here for days now....... 

This past Tuesday the landlord showed up to install a pool pump?! to pump out the basement.  ok seemed like a good idea....... sort of.

The landlord asked if I would be home on Wednesday cause the city inspectors were coming in to make sure the pump was gone and everything was closed up properly.  I agreed to adjust my schedule to be home...... (I have done that for our landlord frequently - whenever he has needed work done....... this way he doesn't have to take time off work) 

The inspectors arrived - but not my landlord.  GAH!  They were pissy cause he wasn't answering his phone.  I tried to appease them while trying to reach the landlord - they weren't going to give an inch..... so they came in to do their inspection.  I reached the landlord who lost his sh*t with me!!!  told me to 'make them call him' ....... REALLY??!!  They weren't having any of it......... The landlord got absolutely abusive with me.  I couldn't believe it!!  After all I had done - and Sir Steve too for that matter - and he's abusive with me.  I gave him a piece of my mind and announced I refused to talk to him further.  

On Thursday I messaged Sir Steve at work.  The swimming pool pump wasn't working it was overheating.  I had turned it off.  I  just sat in the living room and shook.  My anxiety levels were going through the roof.  I felt so damn helpless.  About 30 minutes later Sir Steve walked in the door.  

There is one thing about our basement - something I have questioned over the last 5 years.  There is a trough in the basement - filled with gravel?!!  I have suggested that our water problem might be coming from there.............. yeah well no one listened to me.  Until now.  On Thursday Sir Steve went out and bought some special cement that will harden even if it's wet!  He messaged the landlord and told him he owed him a day's pay AND the expense for the supplies.  Amazing how fast the landlord showed up....... 

Yesterday I had to keep running downstairs and turning on the pump - cause it stops working when the water gets low......... and the motor heats up.  Sir Steve (god bless him) has been using his shop vac to suck up the extra water.  BUT of course overnight the basement just fills up again.

This weekend - which was supposed to be a fun time of getting the Christmas decorations set up outside - and running down to Montreal for my grandson's birthday.... is now going to be spent with Sir Steve vacuuming up the water and digging up the trough - making cement and filling the trough in.  All in the hope that this will stop our water problem.  

Do you have any idea how stressed I am ?? Sir Steve too.......... GOD I'm not proud of this - but damn I want pay back........ so badly...................... 

AND ........ the hits keep coming

 

 Yeah yesterday was a shitty day...... and the hits just kept coming........ 

The mother (really the grandmother cause mother doesn't drive) is supposed to pick up from 'school' at 2 sharp - according to the court decision.  Yesterday 2 o'clock came and went with no sign of a pick up.  (second week in a row!)

2:15 the grandmother finally showed up.... she had messages to run before pick up and well ya know - she just didn't get finished in time......... too bad so sad!!

It doesn't matter that I get 3 hours a week - from 2 till 5 on Friday - to run MY messages - do MY thing.  Nope that doesn't matter at all!!! I don't dare make any appointments on Fridays (well not till late in the afternoon) cause I can't trust them to be on time..... 

Right now.......honestly I am feeling so used...... like a doormat.  Sir Steve's reaction to this.... 'it's who they are! they aren't going to change'.

I am (to put it mildly) pissed................ and someone once said "don't make S mad - cause you won't like her when she's mad'

Parenting Skills

 

 

I am always shocked by things THE mother does to the lil one........

When the lil one got her haircut she couldn't wait to show 'mommy'..... Did mommy say how cute it looked?? Did mommy say how grown up she looked? Did mommy say anything positive about the hair cut???

NO

What mommy did say was....... "I don't like it.  I don't know why you wanted to cut it"

In the lil one's words "Mommy said something sad about my hair"  -- broke my heart ya know?!

NOW this week 

the lil one was outside skipping the other day and said her head was cold.   Another time she said her ears were cold and they were gonna be VERY cold this winter.

Took me awhile but the penny finally dropped....... I asked the lil one last night IF mommy had said her ears/head would be cold because she cut her hair?!  

You guessed it - that's exactly what Mommy said!  I had a knee jerk reaction and blurted out 'BULLSHIT!' I pointed out to the lil one - when her hair was long she never wore it loose - it was always! in a braid or pony tail and her ears were always 'naked'.  NOW she had hair over her ears...... so why - WHY - would her ears be more cold this winter compared to last winter?!!! 

The mother has taken court mandated parenting skills - the one thing they should have taught her was TO BITE HER TONGUE.......... she does so much damage to the lil one's self esteem / psyche with her words........... 

 

 

A Ranting Pity Party

 From day one THE mother has shown next to no interest in the lil one's education... not even asking for a report card!!  SO when this lock down happened Sir Steve told her that we would do the homeschooling...... she actually said 'good'.  BUT when they added french to the home learning curriculum and because I am not fluent ... we asked mother to take over the french work (mother apparently speaks fluent french).
Know how she does the french work???? she sits across the room from the lil one spells out each word for her to write down and never practices the oral.  THAT'S her idea of doing french!

English homeschooling has been going along well.......... until this week.  This week the teacher added multiplication....... I have NO idea how to teach multiplication... and the documents we have to work from (we being parents) makes very little sense even to this Kindergarten teacher!!  BUT we keep slogging away at it... 

multiplication is adding the same number together... 3+3+3+3+3 = 15 OR 3x5 = 15. 

We worked for over an hour the other morning doing all that adding and my feeling desperate cause the lil one really wasn't understanding WHY she was adding all those numbers... and GAH... it was hard... really hard!!  We have been putting in 3 hours every morning on math and science and journal writing...... 3 F**king hours!!!  Are we making any headway in multiplication - I honestly don't know........ Will I give up? no bloody way!

Then yesterday THE mother uploaded this aggravating video entitled I am NOT a teacher I AM the parent!  I lost it.... totally lost it!  It felt like she sees me as the hired help........ only she hasn't offered to pay me....... she hasn't even thanked me for all I am doing to help HER child!!!!  

My belief is - if it is your child you do whatever it takes for your child..... even teaching them.  Do NOT tell me that is NOT your job -- F**K how did your child learn to feed themselves ... to go pee on a toilet.... to dress themselves?? HUH??? if you didn't teach them how did they learn it???!!!

OH WAIT 

YOU - THE mother - didn't teach the lil one those things!!!  she figured it out herself -- or her grandmother taught her .. or her father.... YOU THE mother where were you?? sitting on the sofa playing on your computer OR doing cross stitch.  AND that is where you are now!!!!

I am so fed up with the hypocrisy !!!   I am so fed up with the helpless feeling .. I am SO fed up with THE mother being in MY life!

Rant over.............. 

Get it off my Chest

I tend to refrain from discussions that involve politics, religion, sexual orientation, touchy subjects.  I do this because I really do like peace and quiet, I do NOT like confrontation...... Debates tend to become heated and things tend to be said that shouldn't be said. 

That is not to say I don't have opinions on those topics........ trust me I do!  BUT I don't handle rabid people well.....and so I stay away from voicing said opinions.


Now to the point of this blog entry.

I LOVE Christmas...... and everything to do with it.  I love the soft twinkling lights, the soft fall of snow, the music, the love, the joy.  

All my life - once Halloween is over my mind turns to Christmas....... we have - for years and years - had themed Christmases.... everything from pioneer Christmas, to Gingerbread Christmas, to Woodlands Christmas and everything in between.  I had bins and bins of Christmas decorations.

Then

My life changed -- Christmas was spent with my girls at their houses and so I gave away most of my Christmas stuff.........downsized drastically...... even my Christmas tree went from 7 feet tall to 4 feet tall.  Christmas had lost some of its magic.

Then Sir Steve and the lil one came into my life.  And I started to pull out all the old traditions....... and scrambling to up size Christmas again.  Sir Steve announced at the end of the season last year that we needed a new tree - a much bigger tree.  So a couple of weeks ago we went shopping and found a gorgeous 7 foot tree half price. 

I picked a theme....... Danish Christmas........ 
I waited patiently for Halloween to be over and then................... the creativity started and the planning started.

I am excited again for Christmas -- for the music and the twinkling lights and the magic of the season reflected in the lil one's eyes.

Yesterday I asked the lil one when she got home if she would like to learn how to make Danish Christmas baskets to fill with candy and eventually hang on the tree.  Of course she wanted to!!  So we set about cutting and learning to weave....... with lots of chatter and giggling.

I was amazed at how quickly she picked up weaving -- 3D weaving at that!  And took some pictures .......

I posted those pics on FB so my girls could see what we were doing -- and the lil one's family...... and my friends.

I felt warm and fuzzy.

UNTIL

someone - a friend of Sir Steve - posted on the pictures "I hope you don't have your tree up yet"
I knew exactly what she was inferring........ and my blood boiled.
I responded "why is that?" 
And then we were off having a passive aggressive debate about Remembrance Day and how it is disrespectful to decorate for Christmas before the 11th!

REALLY???
That's what she thought was appropriate to post on a picture of a lil girl mastering tricky weaving skills AND enjoying the beginnings of Christmas ??!!!
As I pointed out to her....... one can still honour our vets while preparing for Christmas....... 

Now this 'friend' is an 18 year old who like all 18 year olds knows EVERYTHING..... except when to shut up.  I let loose on her ...... (it really was a one sided fight -- and I should know better but............) the comments have been deleted ........but the joy of the afternoon crafting has been tarnished.

I HATE rabid people!

Responsible Parenting?

The above is a picture of the birthday cake that the 'family' bought for the lil one's aunt's birthday.  They celebrated it on Easter Sunday...... with the lil one.

Sir Steve and I were shocked -- then sick to our stomachs -- then angry.  A WEED cake in front of a 6 year old.  All the adults excited over the gorgeous cake... and the lil one is seeing this as a good thing.

I finally realized (hoped) that the lil one wouldn't get it...... she would just see it as a fun birthday cake that made her aunt happy right?? Dontcha think that is what would happen?? She's 6 after all.

Well if you thought that like me -- you'd be wrong.  When the lil one got off the bus yesterday the first thing she wanted to tell me was about Aunty Em's birthday cake... "it had WEED on it S.... it was so pretty and was so good!!"  I'm telling myself to breath she couldn't possibly know what WEED is right?? So I said "WEED ?!  really??!!  what is WEED ?"  She knew what it was -- "you smoke it S"

I thought my head would explode!  I still think my head will explode!!  This is responsible parenting/grandparenting for sure!!!!  

Let's teach the lil one all about the joys of WEED BUT let's not do her homework with her... not help her learn her math or her reading....... that's what responsible parents/grandparents do right??  GEEEZ it seems I need to get my priorities straight!

Colour me pissed! 

#Mybody continued

Last Friday I wrote #Mybody........ Today I thought I would do an update ......

We heard back from the teacher and the principal ....... the teacher said the principal was going to handle it...... The principal said she would call.  She did -- BUT -- she didn't pay attention to the times Sir Steve was available to take calls.... so they played telephone tag yesterday.  I was disappointed because I was hoping to have some closure by yesterday.

BUT

the saga continues..... 

the lil one came home from her mother's yesterday.  She reads the agenda and saw the note from the teacher (as well as Sir Steve's mention of sending an email).  She told the lil one that she isn't supposed to use "bad words" (!!!) I had given the lil one the tools she needed IF mother tried to intervene.  So the lil one simply said "Daddy and S are dealing with it."

BUT I was livid again.  Why would a MOTHER not ask what happened?? Why would a MOTHER not have probed a little deeper ?? Instead she assumed her daughter was at fault and had used a BAD word. 

It's a pretty sad world where a mother doesn't protect her daughter from the possibility of abuse or harassment....... where a mother doesn't give her daughter the power to say NO....... to say My body My choice......... but where a mother perpetuates the politics of keeping quiet.  

All of this is a pretty sad statement of how far we haven't come in regards to women's/girl's rights. 

~~~~~~~~~~

Sir Steve finally got in touch with the principal.  The school is sticking to the story that the lil one was using the word vagina for no good reason.  The lil one is sticking to her story of an accidental bad touch ....... we asked her if she would be willing to come to school and tell her teacher and the principal -- she agreed without hesitation.  This child is not lying...... 

I feel as though the school might have circled the wagons  - so to speak.  We aren't looking to blame the teacher.... we just want them to recognise that the lil one wasn't wrong -- didn't do anything wrong.

(le sigh)

#Mybody

The lil one and I spent some time this past summer talking about 'good touch/bad touch'..... and private body parts... and what to do if something happens.  I honestly didn't think she'd need to use the information -- but I wanted her forearmed ya know.

Yesterday she came home from school with a note in her agenda from her teacher.  I read it -- T W I C E -- because I couldn't believe what I was reading.  Her (male) teacher reported that the lil one had whispered the word 'vagina' to another student.  

I looked up from reading the note and the lil one was almost in tears -- visibly stressed, pulling on her braids and fidgeting.  I did what I think any responsible adult should do.......... I asked her WHY she would talk to another student about 'vaginas'.

It took some work to get her to talk to me -- I had to be reassuring.... I had to coax... I had to use every trick in my arsenal to get her to tell me what happened...... it was very obvious to me she thought she had done something wrong... that she was in BIG trouble!!

It turns out that she and some friends had been playing -- the lil one was sitting in a plastic box.  This box had a hole in it.  One of the boys put his hand in the box and "touched my vagina".  She whispered to a friend that he had touched her vagina.

OK she did get most of it right -- but she should have told an adult.  She didn't.  BUT she did exactly what she was taught to do -- she spoke up and told someone!!  

Her teacher called her over and said he was sending a note home to her father!  He didn't ask why she had used the word... he totally missed a "teaching moment".  Not all of teaching comes in the curriculum -- some teaching happens spontaneously.  And he missed it.  Worst of all he made the lil one feel guilty -- bad -- she had done something seriously wrong if a note was going home to 'daddy'  !!!

I was livid.  I wanted to go to the school and tear this guy a new one.  
Instead I spent a goodly amount of time assuring the lil one she had NOT done something wrong (though if it ever happens again telling an adult would be better) that I was proud of her ... that her father would be proud of her.  

When Sir Steve came home I had found the teacher's email address and the principal's........ I suggested he cc the principal.  He wrote the email .......... 

This morning I prepared the lil one in case the teacher decides to talk to her..... I told her that she was to tell the story exactly the same way she told me ... I reinforced that she had done nothing wrong....... and that her teacher had goofed.  She was not to be afraid to talk to him today.  

God willing this teacher will talk to her and maybe apologize to her for not getting the whole story...... and help her to feel confident about telling him if -- god forbid -- it happens again

I am still seething this morning.   Especially considering all the current talk about believing women.......... it starts early ....... teaching girls to speak up and speak out!!! teaching girls their bodies are theirs....... and they have the right to say NO...... to call 'bad touch'  ........ to have the confidence to speak up and out.......... and to realize it is NOT their fault!!


(putting away my soap box now)

Jealous

I had the little one all last week -- for 10 hours a day alone.

We worked out quite a routine..... after breakfast and getting dressed and tidying up the trailer -- she wrote an entry in her 'journal'.... something she enjoyed from the day before.

Then by 10 a.m. we had packed up the sand toys and headed off to the beach where she made me lemon soup and lemon tea and lemon pies all out of sand and mud.... 

By noon we were home to make lunch

By 1:15 we were heading down to the rec hall for arts and crafts till 2:00 and then we went to the swimming pool till about 4

Then we headed home for a snack and quiet time before 'Daddy' came home and supper.

From Monday to Friday (1:00 p.m. exchange time)

Every single day

Whether I felt like it or not.

This week I have watched as mother has pawned her off on neighbours and an aunt.  I have even seen the lil one get herself to arts and crafts alone cause mother went shopping with the grandmother.  I have watched her turn into a 'street kid'.....


And I have become the green eyed monster -- jealous of the mother's ability to dump her child.......... to do nothing with her child............. I wish I could just dump her too (NO I don't but sometimes it feels like it !!)

Last night in a rant with Sir Steve I said "I should file for full custody of the lil one cause I spend more time with her than any of them!"

And that was an unfair rant cause there is nothing Sir Steve can do 
There is nothing anyone can do

I HATE that this green eyed monster has taken hold of my heart...........

My Stalker

Many many years ago I had a Dom very interested in me.  We had negotiated and played and he was fun... he was!

He once told me he could find me ...anywhere... even at work.  (now remember I was a teacher -- under a board that had many schools) I laughed and said 'good luck with that'.   Imagine my surprise when he showed up at my school and got in........ and showed up in my office.   BUT there was a part of me that was flattered that he would actually hunt me down.  No warning bells -- no red flags.  Colour me naive.

Time passed and we were together for many years... He collared me - he even registered me on the slave registry.  When it was good it was very good -- when it went bad -- it went very bad.  

I moved ... out of his house but still in the same city.

And I thought he was out of my life.

Until he wasn't.  I had blocked him on the net....... blocked his phone number -- blocked and blocked.  So he mailed me letters.  Mailed me gifts.  I called him a stalker and he got very insulted -- and very verbal.  But he disappeared.  (for awhile)

But seriously in the back of my mind I still wasn't free from him.... I could and did bump into him at local shops.

Then the opportunity arouse for me to move to this new city.  And I took it.  AND I refused to give anyone -- ANYONE -- my new address. 

I felt safe finally!  I felt free finally!

Then in March Sir Steve got a message from the owners of the campgrounds.   A package had been delivered there for me.  HUH??? I had NO idea who would send me anything there.... So we ignored it.  

On Saturday we arrived at the campgrounds to spend the weekend opening the trailer.  When we checked in - the owner passed the 'package' that had arrived in the mail for me.  I stared at the envelope and felt a flash of emotions -- shock.... anger... and a tinge of fear.  The package was from this Stalker Dom.  Both Sir Steve and I were dumbfounded.  How the hell had he found me?!

BUT I posted pictures last year on Facebook on Sir Steve's wall -- of our camping experience -- and it was tagged with our location.  For me the scariest part -- was how much he knew about my new life......... right down to the lil one's name!!!!

The worst part -- ignore the fact I left him over 3 years ago -- ignore the fact I have called him a 'stalker' before and he was butt hurt ......... the worst part is he honestly thinks he's doing a good thing.  Each time he has mailed me something he thinks he's doing something N I C E !!  He doesn't understand how much of a stalker he is -- how f**king sick it is.  Let's not even talk about how many in the community have told me of stalkerish behaviours of his against others in the community... how many consent violations he has committed under the guise of "joking".  AND he blames me for his being ostracized from the community (le sigh)



One last attempt at getting the point across..............

(this has been cross posted in part to Fetlife)

Lesson Learned (I hope)

It was about a year ago -- a Friday evening -- I had arrived at Sir Steve's for the weekend and he told me a friend wanted to drop by...... she had something really important to talk to him about...... 

She came in and talked -- in that gossipy excited "I know something you don't know" way.  I listened intently.  She wanted to know after her tale what Sir Steve was gonna do... how was he gonna react.  

(side note -- this 'friend' had been friends with Sir Steve's ex-wife since they were young girls)  

When she left I was blunt (geeeeee me blunt !  go figure) and I told Sir Steve I didn't trust her as far as I could throw her.... she delighted in gossip -- and I was sure she was gonna take any gossip she picked up from him right back to the mother -- her friend.  Sir Steve assured me that she was on his side -- she had seen what the mother had done to the lil one -- she KNEW ! 

I backed off.  I told myself it was none of my business -- what did I know (really know) about these people -- about the friends that were now in Sir Steve's life 10 years after I had known him.
 (but as time went on -- and she didn't get information from me -- or finally Sir Steve -- she stopped being 'our best friend' - stopped coming by)

Fast forward to the summer up at the campgrounds to the first time I met the ex-wife's sister.  A tough dike -- a pot smoking hard drinking dike.  She couldn't wait to come over to our site -- to see if Sir Steve needed any help building his new deck - needed any help at all.  

At first my hackles were up -- WHY was his ex-sister in law showing such an interest in us -- in what we were doing -- in spending so much time with us?? BUT Sir Steve told me she was ok -- she had been his rock the summer the mother left -- she had spent night after night sitting on his campsite with him ... drinking with him.... helping him cope with the heart break.

So I backed off.

AND yes I will admit it -- after weeks of getting to know her -- I trusted her. I let my guard down and opened up to her.. though I did ask once how she could say those things about her sister and mother ..... but I trusted her.  

There were times she would take the lil one for a few hours and give Sir Steve and I some precious time alone.  She would sit by our campfire at night and smoke up and drink herself into a stupor.  

There were times that she was sexually inappropriate with me --  I shut her down... she made me feel uncomfortable. (though everyone else found my discomfort amusing)  When she wasn't doped up and/or drunk she was a really sweet person. 

AND she was so supportive of us.  She would give us information about what the mother was doing - when she was going away.  She told us she was advising them to keep us in the loop.  When the family came to remove the mother's belongings from the house (in the fall) -- she assured us she would come too -- she would get it down quickly -- she would keep her mother at bay and her sister under control.  She seemed to be the mediator we needed to deal with the family.


THEN
we went to court on Thursday.  

And we heard words twisted and lies told and we knew where they had come from.  Lies told how we couldn't wait to push the lil one off on her mother.... we didn't want her.  We couldn't handle her.

AND 
my head spun.
my stomach hurt.
my heart felt like it was torn from my chest.

IT was all my fault!  I trusted her -- I believed her.  I loved that she took the lil one from time to time and gave Sir Steve and I time alone -- I was selfish!  That selfishness had not allow me to see what was really happening............. I hadn't felt the knife being thrust into my back with each sweet smile -- with each offer of help. 

Some how this was all my fault!  I had shut down my instincts.  I had shut out the voices in my head.  I had ignored the red flags.  And this was the consequence.

Thursday after court and all day yesterday I have struggled with the betrayal.. with the lies told..... with wanting to cut out her heart and hand it back to her.  I have been angry with myself.... and I have been bleeding for Sir Steve -- for his pain -- for his having to deal with the lies that were told in court.

Things will be different this summer!  I will not trust anyone.  I will keep my thoughts to myself.  I will be a big strong walled fortress around our 'happy kingdom' ... I will keep the trolls and the gnomes out.  (even if it is a bit like closing the barn door after the cow has escaped)

I have learned my lesson -- I hope !

 

Cluster Fuck

Yesterday was a 'cluster fuck'.  It's strange I never use that word -- it's really not even in my vocabulary -- but by 3pm yesterday I was pacing the trailer saying over and over "what a cluster fuck........ what a cluster fuck".

I am not going to go into details because they are too long and too convoluted to even try.  I did however see this cluster fuck coming because a few days ago the lil one and I were at a friend's trailer visiting and the grandmother came over to interrupt.   The lil one continued playing pretty much ignoring the grandmother.  Then for whatever reason the lil one decided to hug and kiss me and tell me how much she loved me (this is NOT uncommon -- something special -- she tends to do it frequently -- so did the children in my classroom for over 30 years!!)  I told Sir Steve that night that there was gonna be fall out from it...........there always is.
 
The fallout happened yesterday.  I had been to the city for a couple of hours and when I got home -- I hadn't even put the car in park - when the lil one came storming across two campsites crying -- telling me I had left the dog alone and she had cried while I was gone.  The lil one sounded so angry with me.  It literally tore my heart out.  I quietly explained to her that the dog has problems being alone -- that the dog cries sometimes -- but she knows the dog is fine!!  I let her go in the trailer and let the dog out -- we put her on her rope and the dog bounced around happy and playful like usual.  BUT it did not console the child.  I had been mean to leave the dog.  I sent the child back to the mother.

I admit I did nothing but storm around the trailer saying IF the mother had been an adult -- even IF the child had been upset by the dog crying - she could have reassured her.  (Please note I highly doubt the child was upset until it was pointed out to her - as the dog cries whenever we leave her and the child has never noticed before!!)

My stomach knotted up -- I started shaking -- I felt the panic attack coming on -- AND the urge to really stir up some shit.  I have seen too many -- way too many -- children used as pawns in custody hearings/divorces.... have seen what it does to them emotionally.  I sent Sir Steve a text message at work.... something I have never done!  He texted back immediately.  AND when he got home and saw the mess I was in -- suggested we come back to the city for the night. 

Poor Sir Steve is devastated -- for his child who is being used as a pawn and for me who is being hurt by this nonsense.  It was a quiet night.

BUT it did me the world of good to be back in the city away from their ever watching eyes.  Away from the pettiness and the vindictiveness ... just away from all of them.  

 

 

 

So There!

Minor Meltdown

Yesterday was a busy day -- just one of many over the last month or so.  

I needed to do some shopping -- and decided to take the lil one with me... I called it ' a girl's day out'.  We went shopping and we went out for lunch and we did more shopping.  By the time we got home I WAS exhausted.  It has been a long time since I had a 4 year old in tow.......I forgot the joys of dumping them into a car seat and the buckling and unbuckling that it involves.......I forgot the "I needs" and the pouty faces that come with the "I needs".........  I forgot just how exhausting it was to have a lil one talking all -- A L L -- the time.

By the time we got home I just wanted Sir Steve to come home and take over.  But he was on a big job and didn't get home till supper time.  I had declared it a "left-overs' dinner....... 

BUT after when dinner was done and the dishes washed -- the lil one had requested some silly talking animal movie -- Sir Steve was dozing in his chair -- I was struggling with a headache (which the animal voices weren't helping!)  and the lil one disappeared into her room to play with her toys.

There I sat virtually by myself with the talking animals -- a snoring Sir Steve -- and a high pitched girly voice talking to her dolls -- and thought I am gonna lose it -- totally lose it!!

After about 30 minutes I stood up - got my purse and car keys -- and Sir Steve opened his eyes long enough to ask where I was going and was anything wrong?

Hell yeah there was something wrong!!  I was heading for a major temper tantrum.  I don't much like myself when I get angry -- and have learned it is best for everyone if I just 'disappear' for a while.  

So I went to my apartment -- my quiet lil Zen apartment.  I turned on the lights and curled up on the sofa and soaked in the peace and quiet and harmony.  I took deep breaths ... I closed my eyes and asked myself what I wanted -- and how to get it.  

And then I turned on Facebook.  We spent 5 months communicating through Facebook.... why not now?  And he was on... and eventually got me 'talking' and I told him everything ........... and then a couple of hours later I asked him if I could come 'home'.

I won't say the problem is fixed........ 

I will say we're gonna work on it !

And in a new relationship -- 'gonna work on it' is a very good thing!

Games

I didn't buy that ticket -- hell I didn't even want to go -- but I am in the middle of it -- smack dab in the fucking middle of games people play.

Sir Steve's ex is an expert game player - even before Sir Steve -- back when she was single and on the fringes of the group I hung around with.  I watched her games -- I made mental notes to stay the hell away from her.  I do NOT do games -- no one gave me the rule book ya know.  AND dear god nothing will make me react faster than someone playing games.

She played horrible games with Sir Steve's heart -- and even worse ones with their child.  The courts stepped in and took the child away from her and gave her to Sir Steve -- full custody!  She gets to see the child on weekends with supervision.

From our first time together I started to see how she plays games -- the child is allowed to call every time she wants to -- and every time the child speaks to Sir Steve the mother has to speak to him too!!  One weekend the number of phone calls was ludicrous.  Oh and mom can decide at the last minute she isn't taking the child -- or she can call and want early pick up.  Mom will call if the child acts up.  

Recently she has taken to posting pics of the child on FB -- memories from before -- and always tags Sir Steve in them.  At first I didn't pay much attention -- but ya know it's starting to get to me.  I know it's some sort of game she is playing -- she knows I am seeing the 'memories' the same as he is.

NOW -- this weekend -- the child is supposed to be with her mother -- at the campground.  Sir Steve tells me the mother is letting the 4 year old decide where she sleeps -- with mom or with Dad.  Sir Steve says it's a game says he won't play it. 

I am boiling - absolutely boiling.  This woman is single handedly driving me to distraction.  SHE can go away on a 2 week holiday when ever the hell SHE wants to -- SHE can decide SHE is not taking the child when SHE has a sore throat --  while we have trouble finding a weekend to ourselves..... while Sir Steve spent 2 weeks recuperating from surgery with the child ..... and the mom bitched about having to pick up and drop off over the weekend!

I am so fucking done with this nonsense!  

And feel so impotent!

There's nothing I can do..... nothing at all.
except maybe grind my teeth.  

Believe me when I say -- I am doing a lot of teeth grinding!

Gossip and Rumours

7:30 am Sunday morning I heard my cell phone beep.  7:30 A.M. on Sunday (in case you missed that !!)  

Someone told someone who told someone else a bit of gossip about me.  Right -- and I needed to hear the vague innuendos at 7:30 A.M on Sunday morning.  To say I was pissed would be putting it mildly.

Sometime around 9:30 A.M. Sir Steve and I were having coffee and browsing Facebook when he got a phone call.  His ex-mother-in-law apparently threw a major hissy fit at the campgrounds on Saturday.  You see - on Friday Sir Steve gave her back the keys to the trailer she gave him as a wedding present.  (She had asked him to pay her for it - believe it or not) Sir Steve - as you all know -- had bought a new one.  

It is my belief from the nonsense she kicked up on Saturday that she had been hoping he would just walk away -- from the trailer -- from the camp site - from the camp grounds entirely............. that way she could house her other daughter and grandchild two trailers down from her for the summer.  Sir Steve ruined her plans.  (BTW the campsite is now and always has been in his name!)

I can feel the electricity in the air...... 
I can feel the tensions building...
I am getting pissed !
No correct that --  I  AM pissed!

I am so very glad that I asked Sir Steve to NOT change our site -- I am more than prepared to stand tall and show the campground that I am a bigger person than this small petty woman who gossips and loves drama. 

As for the gossip about me flying around the local community -- (especially the ones who read here and helped spread the gossip) While you are talking about me behind my back ........ you can 

Just a Joke -- come on !!

The very first gift my grandson opened on Saturday was an onion.  Yes you read that right an onion..... a real live onion.

The look on my grandson's face made me feel sick to my stomach.  The folks involved in this private joke were laughing........he looked from one to another trying to figure out what was funny.

It was explained to him it was just a joke and he kinda smiled and handed his mother the onion.  Then we went on to opening the other gifts.

As is my custom -- I posted the pictures on facebook for family and friends.  I didn't notice that the onion picture was included.  A friend questioned the onion and I made a snarky comment about it being an onion....... the other grandmother got all bent out of shape and commented saying it was just a joke!!!!!  

There must be something really wrong with my sense of humor - ya know...... 'cause when it is an in-joke and the target of the joke looks uncomfortable I see that as a form of bullying.  AND when it is trusted adults in the child's life doing this ....... it just makes me sick.

Maybe I should wrap up a couple of Christmas presents all glittery and nice -- and just plunk some coal inside....... wonder if they would find that funny?!

(ok stepping down and putting my soap box away) 

Get it?

Ummmmmmmmm

I do believe I have some form of writer's block. I get little unfocused ideas of things to say and then they just blow away - or I decide they really have no validity or worth.  

Last evening I said to W "I want my life back !!"  and I do.  Cause it feels like this thing in my belly has stolen it........ stolen the joy and excitement from my life.

And I hate whining - and I feel as though all I am doing these days is whining....... 

I made it to the first stepping stone (see Saturday's post) and I am stuck there... I felt so damn good Saturday - going shopping (and you all know how much I hate shopping) BUT then I had to stop at the druggist and pick up the pills I have to take tomorrow night for Thursday's procedure.  It was a simple task .......... pick up the pills and move on.  Only thing is ......... they wouldn't give me the pills till I talked to the head pharmacist.  She asked a whole mess of personal questions.......... and me - feeling like a deer caught in the headlights - answered them - instead of telling her to go to hell - it was none of her business.  Questions like "why did your doctor prescribe these pills?"  (my answer - because I am having a biopsy done) Question "a biopsy??? why??" (and I answered her - but she didn't need to know - did she??) Finally she handed over the two damn pills with a look - it is difficult to explain - but a look that said more than words could ever say.  AND the rock was back in my stomach and I just wanted to run home and curl up on the sofa and hide.

Wanna know something weird (or maybe stupid??) 

Yesterday I pulled out my Chinese fortune sticks and threw them.  The one that came out first said " You are going through a rough time right now.  But with patience your fortunes will improve. Your health will take some time to improve - but it will"  (something like that - I didn't memorize it) 

And so it goes......... I am stuck with writer's block ............ and a rock in my gut... and a vague promise that things WILL get better.