boa constrictors.

do you know the kid's song .. i'm being swallowed by a boa constrictor and i don't like it all???

That is how i have felt this past week or so. About a month ago i picked up a virus .. (thanks Norton!!) (and The Michael - NO comments about apples ok??!! thank you very much !!!!)

Everything has been running ok.. nothing terrible was happening with my pc.. so all my good intentions of doing something about this virus went out the window..... Then.......

the song goes.....

Oh, no, he's got my toe,
O gee, he's up to my knee,
Oh, my, he's reached my thigh,
O fiddle, he's up to my middle,
Oh heck, he's up to my neck

welllllllll slowly this virus has been eating up my pc.. it was up to my neck by the middle of this week.......... and then horrors of horrors......
O dread, He's got my . . . (gulp!)

that was last night....... the virus took it's last gulp of my pc....... this morning has been spent reformatting my hard drive and cursing and swearing cause i forgot to jot down passwords and nicknames....i have a headache as big as all outdoors.. i am so not grounded.. so not stressed right now - it isn't even funny..........

This afternoon Sir and i are going to see Memoirs of a Geisha..... me with a floundering unfocused unsubbie brain........... i was so hoping to go with a quiet peaceful soul so that i might absorb every minute gesture.. every nuance .. sighhhhhhh well.. the only good thing is...... the boa constrictor let go of my pc.....

Birthday spankings........

This is a picture of the new whip i bought for Sir for His birthday.......... it took some sneaking around to successfully purchase it and get it home without Sir's having one clue about it.......... He saw the whip in November at the Leather Fest - tried it out on my ass.. liked it and thought about purchasing it.. didn't... Then He saw the whip again at the Christmas Fair here at our local club.. and was sooooooooo close to buying it..BUT i had already contacted Master Andre who had made one for me.. to my specifications re colour etc . Master Andre had to do His very best to dissuade Sir from the snake whip (as they call it) and show Him other whips/paddles and floggers.. Finally it took my throwing a little pout session to get Sir to agree we didn't really need ANOTHER whip... and that was that !! Thank goodness........... (on a side note.. this new improved 2006 version of submissive won't be throwing pout sessions - so tell me how i will dissuade Sir from purchasing something like this the next time???)

i kept the whip hidden away........... and in the meantime.. Sir has been talking about purchasing a skimpy lil black lacy dress for me (preferably see through) and i managed to find one !! Soooooooo i put the whip inside the folds of the dress and wrapped it all up together.. (Sir loves to brag He can tell what a gift is before even opening it !! and He can.. god i wanted to stump Him!!) and i did.. briefly.. He thought i had bought Him a shirt.. till He saw all that black lace.. Then He gave me the "have you lost your mind look!!"

Sir had me model the new dress for Him.. (i have to admit i don't much like it.. i'm not the lacy see through type........ and i especially don't like black !! but it is what my Sir wanted).. He declared He liked it (phewwwwwwwww cause i couldn't return it) .. And that seemed to be it for the Birthday celebration - please remember we had spent the better part of the day at a funeral - which does not make for feelings of celebration...........

i checked on the blog and found all those wonderful comments from ling.. and Cloud.. and cherish and lastly but not least Buffalo............. it was Buffalo's comment that got to Sir.. Buffalo said: "You have it all wrong, darlin'. You're supposed to bend over and receive double his age and double the to grow on.Get it right, girl! ".. Sir's eyes got that gleam in them.......... and downstairs we went......
and so i report to you .. one and all..
For Buffalo - i received a total of 109 strokes with the new snake whip - and ohhhhhhhh my god does that sucker bite....
For ling - i received 55 with the leather tawse
For Cloud - i received 55 with the wooden paddle....... (gee thanks Cloud .. Sir said they were just for YOU !!!)
For cherish - i received 55 strokes with the big whip
For me - i received 55 strokes with Master Andre's paddle
And for Sir - i received 55 with the long 3 strip leather flogger that wraps and whips and stings and hurts like the dickens.....
which totalled 389 strikes.............. and i counted every one of them !! which meant it hurt like hell and i didn't fly... and i didn't even get any sexual release (pouting - oh wait !! i am not supposed to pout anymore am i??? )

oh yeah and The Michael... i hope You come out of Your daydream over the new pic (and i am presuming it is the opening pic of the naked woman - not the birthday balloon that caught Your eye)..

All things considered Sir had a good birthday (i think)........... and i managed to surprise Him which is all i ever want to do when it comes to gifts and birthdays...........

Birthday Thoughts

Today is my Sir's birthday!!! and i believe it is the main reason He is such a scrooge over Christmas.... as a kid it must be terrible to have your special day so close to such a major holiday !!! How lost your birthday can become amid all the glitter and glitz of Christmas.....

Ever since we have been together i have tried very hard to make a BIG deal out of His birthday........ it hasn't always been easy .. He hates surprises and hates people making a fuss over Him........ i say "bahhhhhhhhhh humbug" on that !!! Birthdays should be a BIG deal .. it is after all YOUR day !!!

Today however.. won't start off with a big bang... unfortunately. A friend of ours lost her dad last week............ and the funeral is today.. It is hard to be happy and in a celebration mood when one is attending a funeral........ i remember the year my dad died.. he died one week before my birthday....... i don't even remember having a birthday that year.... but about 2 years later my daughters commented "won't mom's birthday ever be happy again?" and that was the eye opener for me.. and i guess the family in general.......... Ya only get one birthday a year... it SHOULD be special.. and celebrated with those you love .....

It is hard to find just the right present for Sir.. take Christmas for example.. i have tried for years to find JUST the right gift..... and for the most part i haven't succeeded - ok well maybe last year when i bought Him the whip!! BUT... this year i bought Him a wireless gadget for His laptop.. only to find out on Christmas day He had already bought it for Himself !!! i couldn't decide whether to cry or stamp my foot......... geeeeeeeeeeez what is it with people who buy themselves stuff the month of Christmas.. AND Sir should know better having 2.. count 'em T W O .... gift giving days in the same month... i can't tell You what i bought Him for His birthday this year.. obviously !!!! BUT i will fill in the blanks tomorrow i promise..........

As for celebrating.. well i am hoping that Sir will come back to the condo and let me cook Him a birthday supper........... and then .. for those of you who are not aware of this little BDSM custom.... there are always birthday spanks. Now i keep hinting that i think Sir (and all Doms/Masters for that matter) should......... once a year........... drop 'em and bend. i really do !!!! Afterall we subbies take all the spankings / floggings / pain all year long for Them.... on Their birthdays i believe we subbies should be able to return the "favour"...
what say you?? i have a Miss Christine and a whippie.. and the flogger of a thousand stings.. and... the list is endless.. that i am sure would give Sir just the right appreciation for a) how old He is today.. and b) how much "fun" i have each time He uses them on me!!! i wouldn't want to deny Him SOME enjoyment of the subbie kind........... don't you agree??

Birthday celebrations are such fun !!!

10,000

Today my blog hit 10,000 visitors!! i wanted to do something to celebrate this milestone..... so i have been working on tweaking a new template and making it more mine and less blogspot's (forgive me blogspot!)

i sent the draft to Sir yesterday for His approval........ and today just afer i hit the 10,000th visitor Sir sent me the ok to transfer to my new and improved blog. So here it is folks the new improved - more me - THE JOURNEY.

The oriental characters just above my profile are a common sight on the net on BDSM blogs (i have discovered since i put it in and thought how clever i was!) the letters stand for "slave" i don't believe they have a word for submissive.....

i have updated and improved my "links" .. not all the blogs i read are listed but some of my favourite are...... and if you notice you will see i have divided them into BDSM blogs (meaning adult only) and vanilla blogs (which really still means adult but not AS adult)....

The "vote for my site" link is still there.. mainly cause every Sunday night they reset the tallies and we start all over again...... i am very proud to find my blog always in the top 10. i must be doing something right !!!

The opening picture was "borrowed" from mija’s site and for some reason it made me think of a geisha in a kimono.......maybe because Sir has promised to take me to see Memoirs of a Geisha this holiday ... but whatever the reason that is the picture that i think best depicts the inner me........... and the new level of submissiveness i want to work towards in the coming year.......

finally i want to say "thank you" to everyone who stops by to read my ramblings.. thank you to those who leave me comments and to those who don't (yet!) .. and thank you to my Sir for supporting and encouraging my desire to write........

Post Christmas thoughts

Well .. Christmas is over for another year.... i realized this afternoon that i have mixed feelings about it being over.....

First i am a bit sad.. i love the decorations and know that they will be soon be coming down.. ughhhhhhhh.. why is it it seems so much easier to put them up than take them all down?? i love the planning and preparation... weeks of it.. and in one day it is all over......... makes me wonder sometimes if it is worth all that work...........

Then i am a bit glad it is all over.. cause Christmas means lots of people and noise and clutter and confusion...... for the most part i enjoy quiet.. i seldom if ever have the TV or radio or music of any sort on.. i just love QUIET...so... after what feels like an eternity of people and noise i revel in the peace and quiet.. and look forward to getting the house back into shape.........

BUT also Christmas is a vanilla time.. Sir and i have been together for 4 straight days and we only had the energy and privacy to play twice (yesterday mornings caning theme .. and last night some needling to help relieve the stress within me)

Sir and i talked a bit this afternoon....... about upping the ante a little bit come January........ tightening the leash... and as much as i want that.. desperately want that .. it also makes me nervous... can i meet His strictness without the "but Sirs" and without the foot stamps and sulking??? i want to try .. i really do!!! Can Sir keep the leash short?? Will He have the stamina it takes to bring me back in line... there will be rebellions... that is just part of who i am.. stubborn lil subbie......... my New Year's wish is that we can work together to have the strong BDSM D/s relationship we both dream of............

The day after.......

As we celebrated Christmas last evening.. Today has been spent curled up watching whatever we can find on the TV.. and eating leftover turkey. Is there anything better than turkey sandwiches the day after Christmas??

But this morning .. before we became too lazy .. Sir took me downstairs and chained me to the ceiling. Well that wasn't the original plan....... The original plan was.. cuffs on my wrists attached to Sir's spreader bar (Sir's spreader bar is almost NEVER used as it is a wee bit long for me........ so this was a "treat") and then the spreader bar was attached to the chains in the ceiling. While Sir was busying Himself getting the bondage tape out and organising some toys..... i was playing around... twisting and turning and tugging on the spreader bar.. trying to figure out how much wiggle room i was gonna have..... i kept hearing this weird sound... and i was sure that the hook in the ceiling was groaning. i even said to Sir .. as i gave one almighty good tug on the spreader bar .. "do You hear that??" and as the words left my mouth.. there was a huge C R A C K.. and Sir's spreader bar split in two!! BAD BAD SUBBIE!!! subbies are NOT supposed to break the Sir's toys... i then had a terrible fit of the giggles....

Once Sir was over His shock and dismay at losing His precious spreader bar (which for the record i HATE) He chained my wrists to the chains.. and proceeded to wrap my entire head in bondage tape....... nice red bondage tape in keeping with the season. i do love bondage tape.. i love the feeling of it wrapped around my head.. and i love the feeling of it coming off.. for some strange reason it always feels as though the skin is coming off with it... and for an even stranger reason i adore that feeling..

Then Sir announced that Miss Christine ( the dreaded cane) would be the toy of choice. Now i am a masochist - and i love pain.......... and i love all sorts of pain implements.......... but i hate.. and i do mean HATE... the bloody cane !!! i don't know why i can break a damn spreader bar that is thicker than the cane but i can not .. no matter how hard i try.. break the cane !!!! i have come to the conclusion i must be weird.. most submissives/slaves i talk to like the cane.. they tell me it is sensous and wonderful....... sensous my ass !!! (pun intended).. the cane causes serious hurt !! AND with all that hurt.. with all the initial welts.. and marks.. not one bruise.. not one welt.. not one lil tiny mark is left. So what may i ask is the point??? Oh wait.. i remember... Sir likes Miss Christine.. He likes the way it makes me cry and stamp my foot.. and wiggle and whine and try and use the "motherblanketity blank" safe word......... right.. Sir likes Miss Christine..........

This afternoon as Sir threatened more Miss Christine and i did a damn good job of ignoring the hints...... i was thinking tomorrow maybe i will do some research on caning and canes.......... there must be something wrong right?? i AM a masochist for pete's sake !!!!

Ghosts of Christmas

This morning while my Sir sleeps off the excitement of Christmas Eve.. and all the turkey and trimmings....... i had a few minutes to come on line and see what blogs had been updated.. who was doing what.. and read all the heartfelt Christmas wishes........... There are quite a few folks struggling with all this Christmas cheer... who perhaps for one reason or another.. are finding it difficult to find any beauty or joy in this season.............. It reminded me a little bit of the week i have just put in at work............... the mad week before Christmas where some of the kiddies dreading the upcoming holidays fly off the handle for mostly imagined infractions.. where other kiddies just feel incredible deep soul wrenching sadness... and i realized this morning............. that children grow up.. and bring with them the sadness or the joy of their childhood with them... (yeah yeah.. i know that IS a "duhh" moment!!)

i have sat here remembering some of my less than joyous Christmases............ the one Christmas i virtually celebrated alone.. the outcast from the family............ the adjustments i have made to accomodate the shifts in tide.. and to prevent my soul from hurting too much..

We celebrated Christmas yesterday.. here at the house.. Sir.. my youngest daughter and her "fiancée" ... a friend of theirs.. my grandson.. and my eldest daughter... there were gifts under the tree for everyone.. and the table groaned with all the food that covered it... There was much laughter and joy.. (and yeah yeah much sneezing as eldest daughter managed to pick up a nasty cold).. It was noisy and raucous but the important thing.. everyone got along.. and had fun........

My grandson and i slipped away for a few minutes ... getting lost in all that noise... and disappeared upstairs to the 'office' where "granny" tried to explain about NORAD and satellites.. and how these army men tracked airplanes.. but tonite they got to track Santa ... we loaded up the website.. and the lil guy sat patiently while it loaded.. and then blip there HE was the man of the hour.. caught on radar.. the wonder in the lil guy's eyes made my heart soar... just the two of us .. in a quiet darkened office.. staring at a screen and i was marvelling at the magic of Christmas revealed in that quiet darkened room.......

my wish for one and all is that you too can find some quiet magic at this time of year... some inner calm and peace that will carry you all through the upcoming year..............

Twas the night before...

The busy holiday weekend.............. i was curled up at Sir's feet .. the TV was on... the lights from the Christmas tree were sparkling...... the snow was drifting down....... and all was right with the world.......... UNTIL the satellite reception decided that soft falling snow was more than it could handle and POOF no more TV. Now there is nothing more frightening than my SIR without a TV........

He came on line to catch up on His reading of blogs....... and suddenly i was summoned to fetch the shaving gear. ughhhhhhhh.... this is a job that is supposed to be done semi regularily....... like every two weeks... but it is NOT one of my favourites so i tend to not put out the shaving gear for Sir.. tend to put it off .. tend to ignore it.....

i decided in all my wisdom to put a brand new blade in the razor .. seeing as there was more than delicate stubble to shave... i thought it might go faster... and i would be freed quicker to come back on my pc and write a blog.. or better still get caught up on my reading of blogs..

i did warn Sir about the new blade.. and He did go lightly .. but somewhere along the way i felt and heard ( i swear i heard it !!) the blade scraping off a thin layer of skin.......... OUCH !! That was most definitely NOT consentual.. no way no how !!! i yelped.. Sir said "no blood so stop whining"... i tried to stop whining honestly i did !!! i bit my lip.. i put my arm over my eyes (like i could see what was happening anyway !) Did you know a razor .. even a razor with a brand new blade .. can make a scraping sound as it tugs out the hairs?? It is definitely not my favourite sound.. definitely not a soothing sound.. definitely not a comforting sound. Then Sir said .. "OOOOPS!" (another less than comforting.. less than soothing sound) "There is some blood - not much though" and He continued on His merry way .................

Can someone explain to me WHY when one is cut why it itches?? i thought i would go mad waiting for Sir to finish.. all i wanted to do was scratch.. (which of course would have just made the area more tender and more rashy and more uncomfortable)...

Once the deed was done....... Sir.... with gleeful smile.. picked up the Gold Bond EXRA Medicated Powdered and liberally sprinkled a finishing coat over the already burning itching skin..... i was informed (sighhh) that Sir had taken pity on His littleone and had not used the usual amount.. nor had He rubbed it in with the same zeal........... geeee i feel so lucky ?!?!?

And now.. everything is clean and ready for the holiday festivities.. even the sub.........

and now for something a little bit different..

A friend sent me this story in an email.......... i laughed so hard...i hope you will all forgive me for cutting and pasting it here.... at this time of the year... a good laugh is the best medicine...... i hope you all enjoy it as much as i did

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room."He's just lying here looking sick," he told me."I'm serious, Mom. Can you help? "I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh my gosh," my husband diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies.""What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Dad!"I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my husband.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" he inquired. (I actually think he said this sarcastically!)"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded him, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together)."Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed."Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," He informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." OH, Gross!" they shrieked.Well, isn't THAT just great!

"What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my husband wanted to know. (I really do think he was being snotty here, too, don't you?)We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later."We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted."Its breech," my husband whispered, horrified."Do something, Mom!" my son urged."Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest son wanted to know."Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the men in my house?)"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap."Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged."I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his father noted to him. (Men can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what he does to me is one thing, but this boy is of his loins, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass."What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically."Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside."Is Ernie going to be okay?" my husband asked."Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my husband."Well, you know what I'm saying, Mrs Cameron."We were silent, absorbing this."So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my husband offered."Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.Then my vicious, cruel husband started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly."What's so funny?" I demanded knowing, but not believing that the man I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless femininity.Tears were now running down his face."It's just...that...I'm picturing... you pulling on it's...it's...teeny little..." he gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more."That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay."I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Mom," he told me."Oh, you have NO idea," my husband agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140...1 - Cage - $50...Trip to the Vet - $30...Memory of your wife pulling on a lizard's wacker. Priceless!!! Doesn't everyone know lizards lay eggs???

Road accidents

i have been questioning the content that i put in my blog these last couple of days.......... some of that questioning comes from the fact that a lot more people than i ever dreamed stumble across my writings....... and it stems from some of the comments i have received.. i KNOW that some of what i write makes people uncomfortable....... some of what Sir and i do makes people squirm.... and yet some keep coming back......

do my writings have the same appeal as a car wreck?? where folks stop and stare out of disbelief and curiousity??

i know that on a scale of BDSM writings ....... mine is probably gonna be found smack dab in the middle... between the sugar coated fairy stories to the down and dirty in your face blunt writings.... Most of the time my own sensibilities prevent me from being too graphic....... i have tried to explain the lifestyle... that this is all consentual safe and yeah sane (for us anyway)......... yet some days i am still left wondering if it is more like a road accident that draws people here to read........

We have a show up here in Canada - called KINK....now you talk about your "reality shows" this one IS real......... the producers are working their way across Canada - filming folks in the BDSM lifestyle.. and putting it on TV on Friday nights at 9:30 ........... the first season Sir and i watched with our jaws on the floor.. amazed that so much of this was actually being produced on TV... by the 3rd season when they were in our fair city........... KINK had become our Friday night viewing choice. Sir and i had some discussions - many actually - about how the producers of KINK would never ever film our life....... because it would be boring ... yeah boring !!!! For the most part D/s IS boring.... and doesn't have much shock value.... we enjoyed watching our friends and acquaintances being filmed though........ watching Jules inject himself with saline solution so that he would have breasts and plumper lips.......... watching him suspend himself with large meat hooks through the skin....... now THAT my dear friends is road accident material !!! The consensus after the fact .. when the filming was done and the show was being aired.. that KINK had done some fancy cutting room work..........most of the talk about safe and sane and consentual was gone....... and all that was left was "road accident" shock material........... wow.. and the participants were surprised???!!! i was glad that Sir and i had decided to sit on the side lines and watch the circus perform.. (because for me it felt a little bit like a circus - all smoke and mirrors)..........

Right now i am not too sure where i wanted to go with this blog......... i guess i just wanted to say that i write from the heart.. i write the truth... no sugar coated fairy tales.. Sir and i are two very real people........... and if you saw us in line at the grocery store you wouldn't even guess what it was we did behind closed doors... and if what i write causes You to squirm or feel disgusted .. then i expect you won't be coming back any time soon...........or maybe my writings are a bit like a road accident.. you HAVE to come back.. you HAVE to read the next shocking installment of life as a collared submissive...........OR............ maybe just maybe.... my writings touch something dark inside your soul............. only you know for certain.........................

The 3Ps........

Pain........... Puddles............ Property

By Sunday morning Sir had decided that what i needed was a hard long session.. (ok ok i am guessing it was long as i really have NO idea how long the session was)..........

i was fastened to the cross.. and with no warm up.. no "by your leave" Sir picked up the first flogger and started in hard and fast on my ass and my back...
Inside i was feeling lost and confused .. this flogging felt like a punishment.. it felt all wrong.. it made me feel spiteful and foot stamping mad !! Most of the session is a complete blur.. and foggy.. i wasn't going to respond.. i wasn't going to cry out.. or cry .. or stamp my foot.. or anything......... but i did.. You all know there was no way i could keep quiet.. Sir was going for the release.. for the good old fashioned cry ........... for the glory of fairies and the colours of rainbows.. and for the stillness that comes from such heights......... and He was going to get it quickly.

i remember the almost savage sting of the whippy ... the triangle piece of leather that i swear could tear the skin off an elephant with barely a flick of the wrist..
i remember Sir's hand wound round in my hair.. pulling my head backwards to Him...
i remember the soft touch of His hands as He caressed the burning welts on my ass and back..
i remember His almost cruel thrusting of fingers into me.. and my crying out in pain and shock .. but He didn't stop... He brought me close to orgasm then pulled out fast .. leaving me limp and needy..
i remember the resumption of the pain......... stroke after stroke..
then the fingers thrust back into me.. feeling the wetness come.. feeling the muscles deep in my belly tightening.......... feeling His hand pull out and away.. and again the sting of one or another flogger/whip..........
At some point i realized that i was nothing .. nothing.. just property Sir could do with as He wished... flog me till i bled.. tease me till the ache in my belly made me plead and whimper.. i was just a THING.........
And then the hand wound in my hair.. holding me forward against the cross.. the other hand inside me.. deep inside me.. pulling my ass backwards towards Sir.. His fingers working their magic deep inside of me.. the cry for release .. the permission to cum and cum hard.. and i did............ and the wetness shot out of me and down my legs.. and formed a puddle on the floor at my feet...
And Sir pulled His fingers from me... and wiped them off across my ass.. leaving it wet and cold.. and again the floggers were used hard and fast .. and oh my god how they hurt on the wet cold skin.......... and still the wetness poured out of me.. and the puddle grew bigger on the floor...........
And Sir's fingers were in me yet again.. relentlessly demanding another orgasm.. and it was His......... and the wetness pooled and i could smell my smell permeating the air........... and my tears streaked down my face.....
and i remember listening for the sound of the chains and clips.. because that would signal the end of the session.. but that sound didn't come.. just more pain.. and the crack of the whip in the morning air......

and then........... i was curled up on my pillow upstairs.. covered up in my snuggly sweatshirt and comforter and Sir was lying beside me holding me... and i could hear and feel my breath.. each breath as it filled my lungs..... and my skin tingled... and i was owned again....... i was His property! and all was quiet and still.. and as it should be.

Many hours later when i was more conscious .. and more aware and more myself.. i knelt up to tease Sir.. to nibble on His nipples.. to tease Him... and His hand pushed my head down.. and the command.. the command i have so missed hearing came.... "Service me girl" and i did........... and all was very right with the world once again...

and so the 3Ps stopped the avalanche and restored peace in my heart........

Pain and Puddles and Property...........

Avalanche

It all started about 2 weeks ago......... this simple subbie turned into ......... SUPER SUBBIE !! No task was too great.. no problem too small.. no shopping task too mundane.. household problems including invading marauders and flooding bathrooms would be dealt with in super subbie manner!!! i became a whirling dervish of activity.

Then sometime last week i noticed that i was waking earlier and earlier each day.. good grief the clock was ticking.. there is no rest for the wicked (as my grandmother used to say) so i was up and at 'em before the sun......... work problems were a snap.......... employees imploding all over the place - but i remained calm - a rock in the storm...... at home i was baking and cleaning and decorating and wrapping. And of course the storm of 2005 hit.. worst one in something like 35 years they say........ but the walk was kept shovelled.. the car rescued from the drifts that all but totally obliterated it... and the house was cleaned again.. the baking decorated.. the candles in place....and even the blogs were all written.

On Saturday morning.. someone should have posted an "Avalanche Warning" sign on top of the snow banks outside my front door... cause when Sir walked through the door..He found one filthy dirty smelly exhausted subbie........... who took one look at Him and burst into tears...

i know Sir wonders where He went wrong... what He could have /should have done differently .. or better... i know He questions His lack of control ............ it wasn't His lack of control.. if anything it was my determination to be SUPER subbie !!! WHO can stop an avalanche................??

Tomorrow i will write about the 3 P's that restored calm to the home front.........
PAIN PUDDLES AND PROPERTY

but for now.. i am going to go and curl up at my Sir's feet and just be His lil subbie....

weekend blahs.....

my body aches today.......... it was a physical day yesterday.. with all that shovelling and baking and cleaning the house.. and wrapping gifts.... ummm i did say i was gonna have a whole day to myself yesterday didn't i??? so why didn't i pamper myself - spoil myself??? probably cause that is not who i am or what i am about... yesterday was a gift - a chance to get more things done/organised for the holidays.... once the holidays finally DO get here.. i will be free to enjoy them.... welllllllllllllll that's my plan (today)!!!

but my body aches for another reason... i can feel it .. deep inside.. a need... THE need. One extra day of taking care of myself.. of being vanilla... and i can feel the rebellion.. i can feel the need to be taken and put in my place.. and i KNOW i am gonna balk at it........... weird .... one less day with Sir ... only one more day this week of vanilla independance .. and yet i can feel the rebellion......... in my mind's eye i can see this weekend in its entirety and i don't see a repeat of last weekend... and i can feel myself pouting.. i was good this week !! i did everything i was supposed to and more !! so why can't i have another full weekend of pain and pleasure and decadence??? and why have i already decided what will happen this weekend??? why can't i just turn over the event planning to Sir and trust that He will fill me up and center me and focus me and give me what i need to get through the next 5 days without Him??

ughhhhh sometimes i am an impatient subbie... a greedy subbie... a needy subbie.. a high maintenace subbie......... and i HATE it !

"The weather outside is frightful"

This was the view out my front door at 6:30 this morning when i finally got the call that our schools are closed due to a snow storm!! i could hear the shouts of "SNOW DAY " resonating through the early morning air......... the weather man says we are going to get between 30 cms and 40 cms of snow today (for my metrically challenged friends - that is 11.8inches of snow to 17.7 inches of snow)..... the roads are a mess and a white Christmas is coming !!!

Now i am faced with a whole day to myself............ a whole day !!!! i think i am gonna drag all the presents downstairs in front of the tree.. build myself a nice little fire.. and wrap gifts with Christmas music playing in the background... if that isn't a Norman Rockwell picture i don't know what is !!!

Of course i would love to doctor up that Norman Rockwell picture to include my Sir.. and some ropes - the Christmas coloured ones - green and red..... and some floggers/paddles and other assorted toys......... Christmas candles dripping red and green wax over my body....maybe some needles inserted and christmas ornaments hung from them... et voila a Christmas subbie !!!



But that won't happen.... not today anyway....... Sir can't get to me with all this snow....... our guests for this evening are taking a 'snow check'.......... and so i am left to my own devices for the day............ wrapping gifts.. fires .. Christmas music.. will have to fill the void until my Sir can get to me.. maybe tomorrow.........................

on family

There is something about the holiday season that has folks thinking about family.... past .. present ... and future (i guess).... Two of the blogs i read have recently been letters to parents long gone.... both letters brought tears to my eyes... they were beautifully written.. and showed the love and respect both men had for their family members....

Christmas, for me, tends to bring back memories of family ... when i hang the ornament on the tree... when i reach for a special serving platter..... or make a family recipe......... i remember all the generations that have come before me..

i was lucky that way......... the generations who came before me were as much a part of each family celebration as if they were there..i would like to share a few of them with you.. they are all a part of me.. helped to make me what i am today...........

first grandma - well i have talked about before her in this blog.. she was orphaned very young and was raised by an Aunt who owned a bakery shop.. grandma was a GREAT cook though she couldn't make just one of anything.. and my memories of her revolve around her kitchen and all the breads and sticky buns and pies that were always cooling there.. she taught me to cook.

Then there were Uncle Vic and Aunty Syl ...but especially Aunty Syl.. she was my hero....... fought breast cancer most of my growing up years.. the doctors never actually helped her win that battle.. but her spirit did.. she taught me to live every day as if it was the only one.. a gift.. that is how she lived her life.. one day at a time.. and god love her she kept the cancer at bay till some time in her late 80's when she died quietly in her sleep.

and of course there were the multitudes of cousins .... two of whom helped shaped my life in ways they will never know.. one taught me .. gave me the desire the need to seek out that one child who needed special attention.. the one child who didn't laugh or shout or run and play like other children... and the other cousin taught me the meaning of quiet strength... both very different men.. one i loved ...the other i despised .. yet i learned an important lesson from both !

There were my parents........... Dad - who was strong and loving and strict and very Victorian.. i know i gave him more than one headache.. especially when i declared i was going to be a teacher... His response.. "those who can do.. those who can't teach!" He lived to see my daughters.. was ...i know... proud of my being a "stay at home mom" but he didn't live to see me become the "teacher" of special needs kids... some days i wonder what He thinks of that...........i can still see this giant of a man lying under the Christmas tree with my eldest born telling her stories about the Christmas fairies that danced among the branches..... i never got to say goodbye to Him.. he did everything fast.. and he didn't wait for me.. some time later in late spring i sat by his grave and told him that.. i wanted a chance to say goodbye !!!

Mom.. was very special.... she wore hats and gloves all the time.. i don't think i ever really saw her dressed in pants .. except maybe much later in life.......... always in dresses nylons and high heels.. and she had a very small head and she used to stuff her hats with tissue paper to make them fit just right.. a L A D Y.... and i remember a time a long time ago that she was out to lunch with some other L A D I E S.. and they were walking down a main street .. and the wind caught her hat and blew it off her head .. and tissue paper went one way and the hat the other..... i remember a time she tried to rescue a bird in the middle of the highway.. we were stopped at the side of the road for a bit... while Dad took pictures of some water fall or other.. and Mom - god love her - ran out into the middle of that highway.. waving white kleenixes to stop traffic to rescue said bird !!! The bird took one look at this "mad woman" waving kleenixes and shouting stop .. and promptly flew away! oh god how we all laughed at Mom's exploits .. they were so numerous... but always underneath it all.. she was a L A D Y .. and everyone could see it.. i got to say goodbye to her.. it took 3 long angonizing months .. sitting by her side.. but i got to say goodbye...

And then there was Aunty Olive... as my ex hubbie said once .. "every family needs an Aunty Olive - to keep them honest"... She was a lesbian........ though not once was that word ever used by her or anyone else..... she lived with the same woman for some 30 years before Miss B's death.......... and then it was just Olive.. and us........ Olive was my mother's sister and as opposite as they come.. where my mom was small - even petite - Olive was big.. big boned and tall !!! Where my mom dressed as a L A D Y every day of her life.. Olive dressed as the spirit moved her... usually in plaid pants and shirts... she never had children but she had dogs instead.. sometimes as many as 4 boxers .......... her favourite expression was "farting assed .............. (fill in the blank) " farting assed weather.. farting ass state of affairs.. no one but no one could sand down her rough edges.. Her home was filled with mementos from everywhere .. she defined eclectic style in everything !!! And it was with Olive that i formed a bond.. a mother daughter type of bond......... and i promised her .. as she grew old and sick and tired.. that no one would use heroic measures to keep her alive.. oh i remember that promise.. so easily made... never expecting i would have to keep it..... some of us thought she would go on forever.. and finally go out with a bang........... but she didn't .. she had a stroke.. and lingered.. and i became the poster child for her right to die with dignity ! god i remember that day.. i fought the hospital nurses and doctors and administrators.. i fought the hospital chaplin who spewed words of comfort ??? and encouragement.. and i called my Sir.. and drew on His strength to fight them all.. and finally i sat beside her bedside holding on to her thumb for dear life.. (as her thumb was the only part of that old body that worked) and i whispered in her ear that i was TRYING... and that thumb squeezed my hand.. and i cried..

all of these wonderful people helped shaped the person i am today... a bit eclectic .. a bit of a lady.. a fighter for kids who need to laugh and run and shout.. someone who tries very hard to live each day as if it were a gift .. and with silent strength............ family heritage is a wonderful gift. !!!

Meet Gina!

welllll folks .. i know i don't usually post more than once a day... but there is a new kid on the blogging block .. by the name of Gina and she "tagged" me with the following questions ..

2 names you go by
* morningstar
* littleone

2 parts of your heritage
* British
* Scottish (ahem!!! the Michael - what was it You were saying about no "brits"???)

2 things that scare you
* snakes
* seriously bad wind storms - throw in lightening and thunder and you will find me hiding under the bed

2 of your everyday essentials
* my bath
* my Sir

2 things you are wearing right now
* sorry i am only allowed one thing when i am in the house - wearing a sweatshirt cause it is COLD today

2 of your favorite bands or musical artists (at the moment)
* Melissa Etheridge
* Bryan Adams

2 of your favorite songs (at the moment)
* Run for Life
* all the Christmas music

2 things you want in a relationship (other than real love)
* consistency
* strength

2 truths
* We do not quit playing because we grow old - we grow old because we quit playing
* the dirt / mess is gonna be there tomorrow

2 physical things that appeal to you (in the opposite sex)
* eyes
* smile

2 of your favorite hobbies
* reading
* artsy fartsy stuff

2 things you want really badly
* to make a difference
* my Christmas holidays

2 places you want to go on vacation
* the orient
* a secluded cottage in the mountains on a lake in the summer

2 things you want to do before you die
* to make a difference
* learn how to whistle

2 ways that you are stereotypically a dude
* love of football
* "girl watching"

2 things you are thinking about now
* why the condo association hasn't called me about my flooding bathroom!
* if i should call my Sir about the flooding bathroom

2 stores you shop at
* i HATE shopping - IGA and the Jean Couture - do they count?

2 people I would like to see take this quiz
anyone who has time on their hands and wants to..

and Gina my dear - you are lucky i am home from work today.. otherwise this quiz probably wouldn't have been done...... mind you - *I* am lucky i was home today to stop the flood waters in the bathroom !!!

On pleasure and subbing

A comment on one of my blogs got me to thinking about vanilla relationships versus D/s ones......... and on pleasing and being pleased.... AND wondering if there was a big difference between the two types of relationships.........and so i thought i might take this time to try and explore the differences and similiarities...

It was said "maybe I'm weird, but doing things for mine that she actually enjoys kinda makes ME happy to.......and vice versa, from what I can tell......to a point, that is, but that's vanillaville, what can I say......." This comment was made in reference to my blog about embarassement.......

i do not want to get into the dry boring techniques of this relationship.......... i don't believe that helps to explain this question..........
it was said that pleasure was a two way street in a vanilla relationship........ well it IS two way in a D/s relationship as well... i gain much pleasure from doing what pleases my Sir.. be it serving Him dinner... to walking naked.. to sucking His cock.. to being a "toy" to amuse Him .. either by floggings or needle play or wax and knife play.. these are all things that i love and crave and need (and yeah i know most of you have figured that out about me).. SO when Sir does any of these things to/for me i gain great pleasure !!! and because of the way my Sir is "wired" He gains great pleasure from doing these things to me.....

BUT that is the easy stuff.. that is common ground that we both enjoy! What about the areas that He doesn't particularily enjoy.. or the areas that i don't particularily enjoy?? Are these areas ignored?? Of course not.. first of all Sir has the right to do anything that pleases Him to me (as long as it doesn't put my health or safety at risk) even if i don't particularily like doing these things - such as ass play. i am trying to think of something that we do that Sir does not like at all... and honestly i can't think of anything.. which might weaken my argument that D/s and vanilla has similiarities. BUT the point is Sir does not have the "taboos" that i have !! Originally He did not like to flog.. or to use knives.... but over time He learned to do both so that my needs and enjoyment could be fulfilled... isn't that what is important to a good strong loving relationship???

So what if there is something i don't particularily enjoy - right now! Who is to say with baby steps.. with loving guidance and care .. i won't come to love it too??!!! Aren't all relationships about growth? Does anyone wish to wake up one morning and find they are bored stiff ?? i believe there should be growth in all areas of one's life.. be it personal growth or professional growth......... what is important is the learning - the journey...... not the destination ............

Tarot

You are the Sun card. The light of the Sun reveals
all. The Sun is joyful and bright, without fear
or reservation. The childish nature of the Sun
allows you to play and feel free. Exploration
can truly take place in the light of day when
nothing is hidden. The Sun's rays fill you with
energy so that you may live life to its
fullest, milking pleasure out of each day. Such
joy and energy can bring wealth and physical
pleasure. To shine in the light of day is to
have confidence, to soak up its rays is to feel
the freedom of a child. Image from: Stevee
Postman. http://www.stevee.com/


Which Tarot Card Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

embarassed

Today's blog is very difficult for me to write......... i have put it off and put it off.. i was going to write something funny.. something mundane....something christmasy.... BUT the truth of the matter is.. i promised to always write the truth... no sugar coating.... no fantasies.. the TRUTH... (and besides Sir posted about the incident so how can i ignore it??)

Sunday afternoon Sir suggested another flogging session....... i honestly didn't think my poor ass could take more floggings... and i was feeling devilish.. and really wanting something a little bit different.. maybe some bondage.. maybe some sensory deprivation via the bondage tape.. maybe some wonderful orgasms.......... soooooo i opened my mouth and said something about trying something different for a change..... (ok ok shoot me now !!! again !!! i will never learn)

Sir didn't miss a beat.. He suggested i needed some time with "bertha" (a pet name for the butt plug ) i honestly thought He was joking.. or doing a mind fuck on me... He knows ass play is NOT my cup of tea.. He knows how painful it can be for me (more cause i can not - no matter how much i try - relax) He knows how humiliating i find the whole idea !!! There have been times that Sir calls me His "ass virgin".. which i guess in a way i am.........

Anywayyyyyyyyyy i stalled.. i pouted.. i challenged... it didn't do me any good.. upstairs i went to the bedroom to find "bertha" and the KY ... to lie on my belly on the bed....... that in itself is embarassing enough.. on my belly .. with ass elevated.. KNOWING what is coming !!!!

Sir is very gentle .. and reassuring.. and does everything right...... still i whine and cry and beg and plead............. BUT bertha goes in.. and i bury my face in the pillows wishing the whole bed would just open up and swallow me..... i once asked Sir why .. WHY??.. He never played with my clit.. or allowed me to play with it.. the answer was simple.. i was going to learn to take ass play and enjoy it.. for what it is.. not confuse it with what i DO love !!!

Once bertha was in Sir picked up the crop and had a little go on my ass .. making sure to give "bertha" a few good whallops from time to time.. to make sure i was focused .... i WAS focused !!! hard not to be !!! i am sure this whole session was no longer than 30 minutes.. it felt like hours !!! and once it was over all i wanted to do was soak my body in a nice hot bath.. the taboo of ass play tends to leave me feeling dirty.......

i have done alot of thinking about this play and how it makes me feel...........first off - it is a real test of my limits......... it is a lesson in giving over to Sir in a way that floggings or bondage can never be!! secondly i am trying to understand the underlying feelings i have towards this play.......... the taboo feelings......... because as much as i don't want to admit it.. as much as i HATE to admit it.. ass play makes me very very horny - hot and wet and horny - but i can not cum........sighhhhhhhhhh...

In the light of Monday morning .. it leaves me red faced.. humiliated and terribly embarassed........ but sometimes that is what being a submissive/slave is all about..lesson learned.. pointe finale !

on feeling mellow

This morning i am feeling mellow...... kind of like the cat who laps up a saucer full of milk and curls up in a sunny window to sleep away the day......

i may be lying curled up today.. sitting will most definitely be challenging.. after two days of floggings and whippings and paddling my ass is sore.. not marked no... but most definitely tender and sore...

Last evening Sir satisfied a need i had to have clothes pins put on my ... private bits. There is no explanation for this........ but the feelings i derive from having clothes pins clipped to my bits .. feeling them pulling and tugging........ YUM! Though it didn't start out that way.... Sir brought out the tiny coloured plastic clothes pins.. (the sort used for Barbie clothes - know what type i mean??) and He put on maybe 4 of them before i was begging Him to take them off ................ N O W !!!
He may have accidently clipped a nerve.. i don't know.. i only know that the burning went straight to my brain and made my eyes and teeth hurt........... definitely not a good pain.. definitely NOT a pain i was gonna get over .. around .. or through ! But still Sir didn't remove them immediately .. nope... He wanted pictures for posterity.........now i will admit it was my bright idea (shoot me now !!) to ask if He had brought the camera.. for i tend to enjoy seeing the results of His handiwork - after the glow has passed. So despite the enormous pain licking at my belly Sir took time for a photo shoot... (dear kaya - i heard myself saying your favourite safe word "motherblanketyblankblanker"!!! ) And as Sir removed each of those coloured pegs from hell the sweat poured off my body and i do believe i gnashed my teeth at Him!!!

All was not lost .. or forgotten.. Sir then started placing normal wooden clothes pegs right back on the same spots......... at first i held my breath....... but very soon i was floating under the careful administration of the delicious tormenting pain...............

and i was thinking as i wrote this....... "safe sane and consentual" eh??? oh lordie.... i pity the vanilla folk who stumble onto these words today.......... i am sure it sounds anything but safe or sane !!! sighhhhhh.... the contradictions of this lifestyle........

anyway....... the sun is pouring in the windows......... there is a faint scent of maple bacon and eggs still lingering in the air........... and there is a nice big pillow in the middle of a sunbeam waiting for me downstairs.......... and a part of my brain..way in the back .. is wondering what delightful challenges Sir has planned for me today......................

(singing softly as i go... "they call me mellow yellow.......... that's right.. they call me mellow yellow")

Marking........

i do not bruise.... it doesn't matter what Sir uses on me - whips - floggers - paddles - i don't bruise... OHHHHHHH i can walk into a corner of a desk at work and leave one nasty bruise on my thigh......... i can clip my shin bone on the edge of the cedar chest making the bed and have my leg turn black and blue..... BUT have Sir hit my body with any one of the many toys and nothing........... now this has pros and cons - mostly pros from where i sit... (gingerly this morning - i have to admit!) IF i had nasty bruising from a session then Sir would have to wait for the bruises to fade before we could have another session....... BUT as i don't mark we can play every day as much as Sir wants to........ Last night's session rates up there pretty high on my pain scale......... pretty dang high up there! Cloud - a dear friend - makes prototype toys......... and lends said toys to Sir to use on me - the toy test dummy !!! His latest toy is an old fishing rod that he carefully disassembled into smaller easier to work with bits.. covered those bits in black electric tape.......... et voila .. a toy that on the pain scale is right up there around a 9 (10 being OUCH dammit !!) It wasn't the first toy Sir started with - after all it had been awhile and did i mention Sir is a caring Sir.. Sir is a loving Sir.. so it wasn't the first toy.. but it was the second one !!! That nasty lil fishing rod makes me question my being a masochist...

It is the type of toy that Cloud could market for lazy Doms........... something along these lines.. "Had a busy week.. feeling tired... no energy left to flog your sub.......... then THIS is the answer! With no more than one or two light swings it is guaranteed to have your subbie yelling her safe word - (if indeed she has one)... "

Something like that.. i am not an advertising ex.. but i am sure you all get the idea... Sir did not use one or two light swings... nope..... not at all.. that nasty lil rod stayed in His hand for most of the hour we were in the play room........... He would alternate it with all my other favourites.........

the "stings like a thousand bees" flogger

the pretty hearts and flowers leather tawse



the “whippy” that leaves such miserable awful welts..especially on the soft underneath parts



and last but most definitely NOT least .. THE WHIP………. My Christmas gift to Sir last year………..


i needed to cry last night – i think. Sometimes i am a cheeky sub.. pulling faces at Sir.. stamping my foot.. dancing around.. Last night i needed to cry… and cry i did….. it helped open up the doors that allow me to float away…. The doors that had been shut and barred for these past few weeks….i did indeed hear the fairies calling and the rainbow road opened up to me and of course i followed…………

But this morning not a bruise.. not a mark.. not a welt………… and Sir has already delighted on using the “snake” on my ass to keep it pink and warm and ready for Him………..

on being a guest....

Last April 28th i started this blog.... that blog was very short and sweet ... it said only:
i am a collared submissive living somewhere in the great white north. i do not live 24/7 with my Sir .. life commitments for both us force us to spend only weekends together. BUT we both try our best to live 24/7 despite being apart Monday to Thursday. These writings will be my thoughts/feelings and struggles both in the lifestyle and out of it.

At that time i didn't even know if anyone would stumble across my ramblings and read them.... or if - having read them - they would ever return. i was a real novice at blogging.. at html .. but over the months i learned to add a link section.. add links within my blog... add pictures where i want them... add a counter......... and i have discovered lots of really friendly folk who DO indeed visit this little blog.. who suffer through my whines.. my pity parties and my glorious triumphs.......and have left comments that encourage me to think...... or just make me laugh......

Entering the holidailies i realized was opening myself up to a whole crowd of unknown visitors who might just take exception to what i write.. to what i do.. to what i crave and need........rude guests...... i realized this blog might just shock a few people and send them running screaming.... but i did it anyway..........

i have been very pleased with the quality of "guests" who have stopped by to read my ramblings....... oh there have been a few who have snuck in like a thief in the night and stolen my words..... but they did it quietly without much fanfare or disruption.. and so i continue writing............

Before the holidailies go on much longer.. i thought i should take one blog to outline clearly what is going to happen here...... so that the new guests may be forewarned and forearmed so to speak....

This blog is about BDSM - bondage discipline sadism and masochism.... my Sir is the Sadist and i am the masochist - which when you think about it is a good fit ! Everything is safe sane and consentual - by our standards not the vanilla worlds... i was not abused as a child and i am not a doormat .. i only answer to one Master - my Sir. In the outside world i am a strong independent woman who works with children..... owns a side business or two...... and has learned to take care of herself..... so please don't see me as some mealy mouthed weak female just because i am submissive........

There are number of areas that Sir and i enjoy .. Domination and submission being the foundation on which our relationship is built......... and then there is the pain aspect - everything from floggings to bondage to needles and knife play.

This is what The Journey is about........... mostly.....and why it is rated "Adult content"... you are most welcome to stop by regularily and read........ or quietly slip out the back door... (and yeah i know .. this probably should have been my FIRST entry but it wasn't.. )

And having said all that.. it is FRIDAY!! My Sir arrives this afternoon.. and He has been hinting at some fun times this weekend........... i have butterflies just thinking about what could happen....... TGIF!

clamps and clothes pins....

Or.......... be careful what you wish for..........

Yesterdays blog brought an unexpected reaction from my Sir........
"Once you get in from work you are to get your nipple clamps and place them on your nipples ( duhh ) for 30 mins then off for 30 mins for the WHOLE evening until your bath and bedtime..." Now i did get an email from Him ...... at work yet !!! that said change the times to 20 minutes on.. 30 minutes off....

And so..... when i got home i actually had to go and find the ding dang clamps.. after a particularily bad session a few months ago..where the clamps left one nipple badly (and i do mean BADLY bruised!!) they haven't been used...... and you gotta know i couldn't remember where i had hidden those evil beasts !!! And while i was looking i had this revelation of sorts........Sir has two sets of nipple clamps.. one set i call the trainers.. they look a little bit like hair pins with small circle thingies that slide up and down tightening them... and of course He has a set of clover clamps (His personal favourite!) Of course i found the two sets together in the play room........... my hand hesitated just briefly over the clamps... then i quickly plucked up the trainers and fled upstairs... thinking to myself.........
"well Sir didn't explicitly dictate which clamps i HAD to use!!!" i found a clothes peg and went to work putting the nipple clamps on... and then trying to get the clothes pin on my clit............ Folks let me tell you .. trying to get a clothes pin on something that small which already has a nice little piece of jewelry through it is next to impossible !!! Mission finally accomplished and i sat .. rather gingerly .. and started to write some Christmas cards...... giggling to myself thinking "if they ONLY knew what i was doing while i write these!!!"

The first 20 minutes was ok......... yes just ok....... my nipples were tingling by the time i took the clamps off.. and my clit was pulsing........ by the third repetition my nipples had dimples in the sides.. and my poor clit screamed when the peg came off.... and i started my subbie bitching........... "why does He think this is good for me??? Does HE have any idea how much this hurts?? HEYYYYYYY HE didn't even say i could have a decent orgasm .. to make up for all this yucky self inflicted pain".. (please see yesterday's post re admiring kaya's ability and admitting my own inability to self inflict)

Now i have a question for all you "experts" out there on anatomy..... is it possible for the clit to shrink to such a size that it virtually disappears?? Honestly my clit saw the clothes peg coming (for the last time) and it just disappeared... all the tugging on my jewelry did nothing whatsoever to convince the dang thing to come out far enough to accept that peg!!! i tried .. i honestly did try to get it on..... but there wasn't enough organ to clamp to and the dang peg just kept popping off.. (and trust me when i say........ clothes pegs popping off one's clit is NOT a fun experience !!)

Now after all this questionable fun...... about 5 hours of it.......my nipples were so sore and i swear permanently dimpled on the sides........ and my clit.. well you know about my clit....... and i have such an ache deep inside.......... (now i am wondering .. if i blog/bitch about this deep ache inside enough .. will Sir in His infinite wisdom decide to find some interesting tasks to take care of IT.. much like yesterday's task to take care of the pain need?? - is that a bit too obvious?? yeah i thought so too !!!! so dear loving kind and caring Sir.. please ignore this last bit about the ache.......... )

And that dear readers is what happens when one wishes out loud.. too loudly?? when one is collared to a Sadist..........

December 7th!

Well here it is the first day of holidailies.. i worked so hard prior to this to make the blog look Christmasy and upbeat........ like getting the house ready for a party...... and here i am standing with the door open ready to welcome the "guests"........ and what i feel is .. cranky.. ughhhhhhhh.. what a way to start off the Holidailies....... cranky

and i think i know why........ lack of sex and pain....... my two favourite things... On Monday i wrote this is not a pity party...... and it wasn't.. but for some reason as the week is progressing i am feeling more and more sorry for myself.... and yeah yeah i KNOW Sir and i had a busy weekend.. and things happen and sometimes the subbie doesn't get what she needs or wants..... BUT then ( i am sorry !!!) the Sir has to put up with the consequences... which will of course mean *i* have to put up with the consequences... i am almost glad Sir has a VERY busy week this week and is working 3 out of the 4 nights.. i can sulk all by myself.. and not get myself into as much hot water !!!

Now i could ... COULD .. write and ask Sir for permission to masturbate with my favourite toy.. i could ! BUT there is something mechanical about masturbating even with my favourite toy.. even with my vivid imagination producing hot lil videos in my head to watch as i masturbate....... it satisifies the ache but not the need.........

it is a little bit like self flageliation... there is no way i could give myself the pain i crave.. the mind just wouldn't allow it..... i do admire kaya’s ability to follow her Master's directions/orders for self pain.......... and she even manages to give herself that glorious endophin rush i am craving so much....... BUT (sighhh) i am most definitely NOT kaya.. and my Sir has never challenged me to do much more than give myself a few orgasms......and so i sit waiting for the weekend - it looks so damn far away........ 3 more sleeps (as the kids say ) until Sir arrives..... and two more evenings of Sir working............ ughhhhhhh colour me very cranky !!!

What a way to start off the holidailies as a cranky elf

NOT a pity party

This is not a pity party.. i want that stated right up front.....

This weekend was busy.. god was it busy!!! Friday Sir and i helped some friends move.. well i helped after i finished work and fought the bridges and the traffic and the yucky weather to get there .. AND i thought i got lost and had to make an SOS phone call to Sir.. i had so hoped i would make my way there all by myself and make Sir proud....... oh well i am gonna blame the stress of the weather the traffic and the bridge... (i HATE driving over bridges!!! and have no idea why) The drive home was worse.. in the dark .. in the blustery winter night... on roads covered in black ice.. i have never been so glad to park my lil car in the lot in my whole life!!! It was late and i was freezing cold so Sir made Himself some grilled cheese and i had a hot hot bath and climbed into bed..........

Saturday we were up and out bright and early - there was the school Christmas fair that i wanted to go to (sort of a PR thing.. put in an appearance ) and then Sir and i went to our favourite pub for lunch.. then stopped at the BIG mall to pick up a Christmas gift for baby daughter.. stopped by the Best Buy to look at TV's (Sir can't stand my piddley little TV in the living room ) and then home for a brief rest and dinner before heading off to our local BDSM club's Winter fair........... what a bust that was !!! only 4 vendors showed up....... and only 15 people.......... now what was that about??!!! Honestly i don't get it... if you want a club then why don't people support it??? i have seen this happen over and over again... someone starts a club .. people don't want to pay to keep it going and it disappears.. then people bitch (excuse my language BUT they do!!!) that there is no decent club........ Sir had invited a couple of friends to come by after the fair to the house for coffee and some play time.. Sooooooo we hung around the club till they arrived.. waited until they had a poke around in the vendors rooms.. and then they told us they were tired and would take a rain check on the invitation....... so it was late when we arrived home and i toddled off to bed ..

Sunday morning we were home .. and i decided to work on my blog... (see yesterday's post) instead of sitting around wishing/hoping Sir would take me downstairs for a session..... in my feeble subbie brain.. if Sir was in the mood for a session... then i would be summoned..... and better i keep busy than be sitting pouting at His feet - right???? wrong! Sir thought i wanted to get the job done on the blog.. more than wanted a session..... geeeeeeeeeez what is the name of THAT book "Men are from Mars Women are from Venus"??? anywayyyyyy... by noon we were on the road again to have some lunch at our favourite Chinese restaurant on the south shore.. and then off to an Open house at a Florists that Sir works for (on occasion) and i supply greeting cards to....... Then because Sir had to work early this morning....... i headed home by myself...

Now it is Monday morning and i am facing another 4 days without my Sir .. and i didn't get a session........ and as i complained (very unsubbie like ) in my private journal to Him.. i didn't have any orgasms either........ so i am a mess of emotions and needs and cravings.. and my body feels electrified .. jumpy and wired .. know what i mean??? i don't feel the least bit used or abused.. even if Sir did follow tradition of tucking me into bed with a good hard strapping on one bare ass both Friday and Saturday night - that just doesn't count!!! it doesn't !!!

AND to make matters worse this morning i really do just want to climb back into bed .. pull the covers over my head and stay home.. not face the masses ...... and their problems... AND i still have the monster in the walls running around terrorizing my cats and yeah i admit it ME.... sighhhhhhhh..

But .. and i mean it.. this is NOT a pity party..... just my confusing busy hectic life sometimes...