Monday, December 12, 2005

embarassed


Today's blog is very difficult for me to write......... i have put it off and put it off.. i was going to write something funny.. something mundane....something christmasy.... BUT the truth of the matter is.. i promised to always write the truth... no sugar coating.... no fantasies.. the TRUTH... (and besides Sir posted about the incident so how can i ignore it??)

Sunday afternoon Sir suggested another flogging session....... i honestly didn't think my poor ass could take more floggings... and i was feeling devilish.. and really wanting something a little bit different.. maybe some bondage.. maybe some sensory deprivation via the bondage tape.. maybe some wonderful orgasms.......... soooooo i opened my mouth and said something about trying something different for a change..... (ok ok shoot me now !!! again !!! i will never learn)

Sir didn't miss a beat.. He suggested i needed some time with "bertha" (a pet name for the butt plug ) i honestly thought He was joking.. or doing a mind fuck on me... He knows ass play is NOT my cup of tea.. He knows how painful it can be for me (more cause i can not - no matter how much i try - relax) He knows how humiliating i find the whole idea !!! There have been times that Sir calls me His "ass virgin".. which i guess in a way i am.........

Anywayyyyyyyyyy i stalled.. i pouted.. i challenged... it didn't do me any good.. upstairs i went to the bedroom to find "bertha" and the KY ... to lie on my belly on the bed....... that in itself is embarassing enough.. on my belly .. with ass elevated.. KNOWING what is coming !!!!

Sir is very gentle .. and reassuring.. and does everything right...... still i whine and cry and beg and plead............. BUT bertha goes in.. and i bury my face in the pillows wishing the whole bed would just open up and swallow me..... i once asked Sir why .. WHY??.. He never played with my clit.. or allowed me to play with it.. the answer was simple.. i was going to learn to take ass play and enjoy it.. for what it is.. not confuse it with what i DO love !!!

Once bertha was in Sir picked up the crop and had a little go on my ass .. making sure to give "bertha" a few good whallops from time to time.. to make sure i was focused .... i WAS focused !!! hard not to be !!! i am sure this whole session was no longer than 30 minutes.. it felt like hours !!! and once it was over all i wanted to do was soak my body in a nice hot bath.. the taboo of ass play tends to leave me feeling dirty.......

i have done alot of thinking about this play and how it makes me feel...........first off - it is a real test of my limits......... it is a lesson in giving over to Sir in a way that floggings or bondage can never be!! secondly i am trying to understand the underlying feelings i have towards this play.......... the taboo feelings......... because as much as i don't want to admit it.. as much as i HATE to admit it.. ass play makes me very very horny - hot and wet and horny - but i can not cum........sighhhhhhhhhh...

In the light of Monday morning .. it leaves me red faced.. humiliated and terribly embarassed........ but sometimes that is what being a submissive/slave is all about..lesson learned.. pointe finale !







5 comments:

  1. Great post morningstar!

    I really enjoy your blog, I think shows that sometimes the Dominant gives you what you need instead of what you want.

    Thank you very much allowing us to peek in!

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  2. Anonymous11:32 pm

    Another thing we share.. I hate assplay too. The butt plug could disappear from the world and I would not miss it a bit. It's yucky and dirty and humiliating and I hate hate hate it. And that's why I have to do the plug every day...lol. I cannot even pretend to like it long enough that Master loses interest..lol.

    It never gets any easier either, weeks and weeks we've been doing this daily plug "training" and I hate it just as much as I did in the beginning and it's still just as humilating and just as uncomfortable.

    Nothing will make me hide my face faster than when He is the one pushing it in. Gah!!

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  3. kaya and cherish - thank you both so much for 'daring' to leave me a comment on such a ... ummm.. delicate subject (blushing furiously here)....

    and now for something completely different........ today's blog on Christmas decorating !!!

    morningstar (owned by Warren)

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  4. Well you know being a sub is not getting alll that feels good to you and sometimes living in submission means just that doing the dirty. I am sure thagihxet you made your Sir happy and is that not what counts.

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  5. Hmmmm.........maybe I'm weird, but doing things for mine that she actually enjoys kinda makes ME happy to.......and vice versa, from what I can tell......to a point, that is, but that's vanillaville, what can I say.......

    ReplyDelete

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