Wednesday, December 14, 2005

On pleasure and subbing

A comment on one of my blogs got me to thinking about vanilla relationships versus D/s ones......... and on pleasing and being pleased.... AND wondering if there was a big difference between the two types of relationships.........and so i thought i might take this time to try and explore the differences and similiarities...

It was said "maybe I'm weird, but doing things for mine that she actually enjoys kinda makes ME happy to.......and vice versa, from what I can a point, that is, but that's vanillaville, what can I say......." This comment was made in reference to my blog about embarassement.......

i do not want to get into the dry boring techniques of this relationship.......... i don't believe that helps to explain this question..........
it was said that pleasure was a two way street in a vanilla relationship........ well it IS two way in a D/s relationship as well... i gain much pleasure from doing what pleases my Sir.. be it serving Him dinner... to walking naked.. to sucking His cock.. to being a "toy" to amuse Him .. either by floggings or needle play or wax and knife play.. these are all things that i love and crave and need (and yeah i know most of you have figured that out about me).. SO when Sir does any of these things to/for me i gain great pleasure !!! and because of the way my Sir is "wired" He gains great pleasure from doing these things to me.....

BUT that is the easy stuff.. that is common ground that we both enjoy! What about the areas that He doesn't particularily enjoy.. or the areas that i don't particularily enjoy?? Are these areas ignored?? Of course not.. first of all Sir has the right to do anything that pleases Him to me (as long as it doesn't put my health or safety at risk) even if i don't particularily like doing these things - such as ass play. i am trying to think of something that we do that Sir does not like at all... and honestly i can't think of anything.. which might weaken my argument that D/s and vanilla has similiarities. BUT the point is Sir does not have the "taboos" that i have !! Originally He did not like to flog.. or to use knives.... but over time He learned to do both so that my needs and enjoyment could be fulfilled... isn't that what is important to a good strong loving relationship???

So what if there is something i don't particularily enjoy - right now! Who is to say with baby steps.. with loving guidance and care .. i won't come to love it too??!!! Aren't all relationships about growth? Does anyone wish to wake up one morning and find they are bored stiff ?? i believe there should be growth in all areas of one's life.. be it personal growth or professional growth......... what is important is the learning - the journey...... not the destination ............


  1. Being in a vanilla relationship I feel the difference is give and take. The negociations that constantly take place in vanilla relations, do not take place im my lifestyle ones. I treat my wife as some one that I share life with an equal. I treat my subs as my property. So I am not in agreements that there is any great similarities in the relations besides trust and respect.

    I do think that if too much vanilla gets in the way the lifestyle is lost as with one of my last subs. It cause the relationship to sour, so for me I would try to keep the lifestyle void of vanilla of course better said than done.

  2. BUT Cloud....... when it comes to pleasing or pleasure.. don't You feel that it is the Dom's job as much as the sub's job to please ??? Isn't mutual pleasure a part of this lifestyle too??? If there is no mutual pleasure then won't the relationship end?? either a vanilla relationship or a BDSM one??

    and isn't it important in either lifestyle.. to try and learn what pleases the other and then learn to do it??

    and isn't all this learning found in both vanilla and BDSM relationships?? and isn't the learning what one's partner likes important to the relationship.. be it BDSM or vanilla???

    and yeah i agree when it comes to a strict BDSM relationship it would be ideal if the vanilla world could be absent - but that is a dream........ the reality is finding a way to live side by side..

    morningstar (owned by Warren)

  3. Great post morningstar as always!!

    In my humble opinion, I do believe vanilla and D/s relationships are similiar in the respect that both parties are getting what they need. A husband wishes to give his wife what she needs and a Dom gives his sub what she needs. The wife/vanilla and sub/slave's needs and desires are just different. Because truly if the submissive/slave or wife/vanilla partner were not getting any pleasure at all from the relationship at some point she will leave. I think becoming too vanilla works both ways as well because sometimes the Dom becomes lazy or "too vanilla" and then the submissive is lost because she is not being controlled. I think the wife and submissive desire to make their husband/dom happy as I am sure the husband/dom wants their sub happy. But I do know the D/s relationship cuts down immensely on negotiations and debates as compared to vanilla. ~winks~ But honestly that is what the submissive/slave desires; to be controlled completely without negotiation.

    Disclaimer: Just my opinion no hate mail please. hehe

  4. PS: I know submissives/slaves are wives as well. I am sorry I worded it that way. I did not realize it until I just re-read it. I guess I should have read it before hitting publish.

  5. cherish ... first of all this is a free speak zone.. anyone who sends hate mail gets booted.. ok ok that is my alpha sub side showing.. (cheeky grin)

    as for the wife sub slave thingy.. i knew exactly what you meant so have no fear !!!

    love to read your comments !!

    morningstar (owned by Warren)

  6. Anonymous10:23 am

    If there wasn't mutual pleasure going on, the relationship would fall apart, I would think. I agree with cherish though in that a lot of the submissive's pleasure comes from not being able to dictate how or when she gets it. Or if.

    Plus, it's heavily weighted on the Dom's side of

  7. I liked Cherish's comment.

  8. Well alfa sub, cherish both great comments. The one thing that stands out cherish is that I do nto give my wife what she need nor does she give that to me we give what has been negociated at the time. The sub gives me what I want and I give her the play sessions and the protocols and the control.
    I would guess that if you wish to equate it to a vanilla releation set it back before the victorian era when women well were pretty much owned and told what to do this would be how vanilla I would want to treat my subs. Where as my wife and I have a very open relationship one that I doubt could have been achieved in the same time period it is in question now a days.

    These of course are only my feelings I do have to be carefull some alpha subs have been known to bite Doms so.

  9. Oh great post I love the stimulating discussions that you always seem to provide morningstar.

  10. Cloud - taking one brief moment from the "stimulating" discussion"..

    i do NOT nor have i EVER bitten a DOM (shocked look!!) hit occasionally.. tweak nipples occasionally (oh wait that was the sub side.. right !!) never ever bite !!!

    now i return you all to the regularily scheduled stimulating conversation!

    morningstar (owned by Warren)

  11. Oh ahh biting Sir, is he not a Dom? If it does not count then hmmm okay you just hit other Doms that is right I am sorry for the confusion.


Popular Posts