Last week I dumped all my pent up emotions in The Explosion.... some people took it very wrong and blamed Sir Steve... tried to fix my problems maybe?? tried to offer advise/comfort/empathy maybe?
I felt uncomfortable -- and it's been nagging at me ever since.......
I need to clear the air.........
Roz - dear Roz - got it! she said between the usual stresses I was also dealing with the pain ... AND she recognised that I had posted what a good weekend we had actually had - how the venting had helped.
When I vent or rant....... it is basically a 'moment in time' ... and is most definitely only MY side of the story. (let's remember here - this is MY blog and it's perfectly ok to only write my side )
What you don't see .........
Sir Steve comes home from work and....
basically takes over..
He and the lil one clean up after dinner
He puts the lil one to bed and reads with her every single night
He is more than willing to work from home so I can go to appointments
He offers to do the groceries
He is always telling me to not over do it
He treats me to Tim Horton's french vanilla and a donut every friday
From time to time he will come home with flowers to brighten up the house
He will order in dinner on the weekends
AND you don't see .......
how I do NOT ask for help
how I take over situations
how I give the impression 'I got this!' even when I don't
how I believe I have to be perfect
Please understand - we are both doing the best we can under less than ideal circumstances...... and sometimes I just vent....... at home and on here....
BUT interesting enough - the fall out from that blog made me realize I have the tools to make my/our life better...... last Friday morning Sir Steve suggested I leave the groceries till Saturday and he would come with me........ my knee jerk reaction was "NO it's MY job" but Saturday morning I asked if he would come with me.......... OMG groceries went so smoothly....... and I didn't feel guilty about sharing the shopping with him
So one small step towards working together .. one GIANT step towards admitting I can not do everything..........
Life is good when you realize you really aren't alone in this battle..........
I keep forgetting. I'm normally engaged in 'mom mode.' I comment, suggest, advise... It's work well with the age of my kids. They both listen nicely, then totally ignore me. And I'm completely fine with that. I just want them to hear what I think, not necessarily go by my suggestions or advice.
ReplyDeleteI realize you're not a kid and don't need any advice or suggestions I have. Like I said, I just forget sometimes. Personally, I like other people's thoughts and advice. I ignore most of it, but I find what they suggest entertaining at time. But when I forget here, please just ignore me and realize I'm not trying to be a know-it-all, I'm just chatting.
OOH PK no no - I wasn't upset with you or anyone for that matter -- other than myself really. I didn't want anyone thinking Sir Steve was not stepping up and pitching in... he is as far as I have been allowing him... le sigh... I'm gonna work on that :)
ReplyDeleteYou know this post reminds me of something I saw on Oprah a million years ago. This was back when Dr Phil was just a guest and didn't have have his own show. He said that we shouldn't complain to our mothers/sisters/bffs about our partners BECAUSE when we go on to resolve things with our partners we don't go back and fill them in with the detail nor do we tend to sing their praises. Of course you were not slagging Sir Steve but I do think of this often when I blog. I need to let it out to process and often the support was always there for me when I did. I am an emotional writer. I do some if my best writing when I'm upset. When I'm content and grateful I tend to keep that part of us to myself- a different type of vulnerability I suppose.
ReplyDeleteI think our partners end up more one dimensional at times because we are telling our story and our readers have no choice to fill in the blanks. Something for all of us to keep in mind.
On a different note, I read your comment on Windy's post about your blog. My blog roll did not update for your blog either. I saw the last post only because you told me you fixed the reply button so I came to see. *BUT* Windy's post was up 12 hours before it hit my blog roll as well.
Willie
willie - re the blog roll problem - Windy reports that it is fixed (and giving me hell cause blogland got busy at the time my blog roll kicked in LOL)
DeleteAnyway - you're quite right about reporting broken hearts/problems - you move on but everyone else is left hanging/worrying.. I have made some 'resolutions' about my control issues and my emotions... I'll have to try and apply them to the blog writing too. However like you I am an emotional writer... good and the bad
AND I think I need to praise Sir Steve a little more on here.. cause he really is a GREAT guy :)
Mind you - I am going to write a blog - maybe tomorrow - about our dynamic and what it looks like...
This is Fondoes here. For some reason my fone wont let me use my blogger account to comment. Anyway, i think we all get that the venting and ranting arent the be all and end all of our relationships. I mean, very few of us write when things are going smoothly or when our partners step up and give us support. But as emotional writers (i’m one too) i think we understand that the venting is only in that moment. For sure if they didnt being something to the table we wouldnt be with them right?
ReplyDeleteKnow that I dont think you’re ragging on him. And youre right. It’s your blog so the one sided (your-sided) rambles are completely valid!
(Just like how i complain about nagging BIKSS but its not like he doesnt listen. He does. Bless him. )
Fondles I could just hug you -- well you and willie and everyone else that totally got my need to vent.
Deleteand I loved your line " For sure if they didnt being something to the table we wouldnt be with them right? " OMG how true is that !!! I love this man to death ...
Hi Morningstar, I'm sorry the previous post and comments made you uncomfortable. I love how it ultimately ended on a positive note with your realisation though.
DeleteInteresting point about blogs being one dimensional, that is definitely true. What we share on blogs is a snapshot, a moment in time and does not paint the full picture.
Hugs
Roz
First let me say Roz - I'm so glad to see you this morning - I didn't know I had a problem with RSS feed - and no one was being notified that I had posted - so when you didn't show up here for a couple of days I was worried about you :)
Deletethe comments only made me uncomfortable because I realized some people thought Sir Steve was in the wrong in one way or another - when in fact he is an amazing guy...... had to clear that up :)
hah. I just saw this and realised that it DID register my fondles account after all. Strange. I apologise for the typos. It's just NOT the same when I'm typing from my fone.
DeleteI like this post a lot and agree with the point behind it, but I'm not going to say much on this topic except to point out one of those cliched Venus/Mars comparisons. It is not lost on me that you appreciated the support for venting comments, because Rosa is the same way. It is also no surprise that those comments came from other women.
ReplyDeleteAs a guy, though? Alien territory. When someone vents an issue, I try to help solve it. Every time. And when I vent one, I'm anticipating some advice. When I vent to Rosa she sits and says nothing.....just listens supportively. When she vents to me, I offer what turns out to be unwanted advice. She says she just wants me to do what she does when she vents: no advice just support. I counter by saying that I am just as frustrated by her lack of advice when I vent as she is with my unwanted advice when she vents. As a guy my thought automatically is: "why did you tell me this if you didn't want my advice?" Pure problem-solving pragmatism. It's like the years of being a dad, manager, etc. have just trained me to respond in some way. People would come tell me stuff expecting a solution. I am just still wired to do that based on what that person says. I wonder if Steve is the same and had to be 'trained' NOT to try to "solve" a venting?
Just a bit of perspective from the testosterone half of the human condition. (And to be totally honest and to end on a humorous note: I hate hugs. I hug like I'm surveying someone's frame to guess their weight.) ;-)
OH kd I totally get the 'male' desire to fix things (have met a few females like that too)
DeleteSir Steve is slowly learning how to handle my rants/vents - some I want/need him to work out some 'fix' and others (like the one a week ago) I just need him to listen and 'smile and nod' a lot.....
and I knew you meant well with your comments - I did! I was more upset with myself for allowing folks to think Sir Steve didn't step up and do his part...... and have vowed to be more transparent with that side of our relationship.
I am also writing a post hoping to explain our dynamic...... I think it was willie who asked what our TTWD was... and that might clear up some confusion too :)
Windy - I had played around with the settings for my blog... when I was trying to find the 'reply' button - and hit a button I shouldn't have...
ReplyDeleteSo unless you played around with buttons you shouldn't (grinning) I don't know what happened -- am wondering if it is a blogger problem - cause yesterday mine didn't hit the blog rolls for a couple of hours after I actually posted it...
maybe ask Hermione??
I think we had the same weekend.
ReplyDeleteWhen I see a rant post I always try to go for the "relax, be gentle" etc. I don't try to see the blame game except to say, did he help/see etc.
I am glad you ranted (we all need that). But I am ever so happy to see this post. The one that points out all the things that no one sees.
Hugs
Boo
I'm gonna have to do more posts about real life around here.. :) just to give it some balance - cause ya know there will be more rants in the future LOL
Delete