The long weekend finished off on a good note - I did nothing - absolutely nothing all weekend - didn't even make a meal -- remember all that chinese food?? well it fed us till Monday night!!!
BUT
it didn't start off well........ After the lil one left for her mother's on Friday I went to get groceries - and was feeling really bitchy about it ..........
When Sir Steve got home I was in A mood. I'm not sure what happened - what was said - but suddenly all those emotions I have kept pretty much bottled up inside just spilled out and over.
- does anyone realize how much I needed March break in MARCH not f*cking April!
- I'm exhausted from feeling like I am carrying the whole f*cking family on my shoulders
- HE gets to go out every single day and see other people - talk to other people
- the lil one gets to go to her mother's every single weekend - see other people - get out of the house
and in the midst of all these emotions
spilling over - I did manage to say that I knew there was nothing anyone
could do...... it is what it is......... BUT everyone needs to
understand I am exhausted
- is the MOTHER inconvenienced even a little bit for HER daughter
- that I am tired of the pain in my bum - in my leg - down my back - the headaches
- that I am tired of feeling responsible for the lil one's school work - for her health ... cause her weight is slowly creeping up - mostly after she's been with her mother - but since the summer she has put on 10 pounds which is NOT good when we're fighting diabetes BUT it feels like I'm the only one who cares/worries about it
- I can't make any appointments for myself without thinking about schedules - for him for the lil one - and it's just easier to not try and make any appointments
- I can't even get my hair cut when *I* want - it has to be late on Friday cause of the lil one
- does anyone even try to understand how much my life has changed??!!! does anyone even CARE???!!
- I'm too old for this sh*t
and through all this spillage I was ugly crying
and then................ well it just stopped - the ranting the crying and the headache was gone too.... and I told Sir Steve I loved him very much - cause ya know I wouldn't be going through this if I didn't! and reinforced that I knew there was nothing anyone could do...... I just need to vent occasionally .
Exploding is good.
ReplyDeleteYou've felt free to ask me probing, clarification-type questions so now I have one for you: what exactly is Sir Steve's involvement/concern level with regard to lil one? and what is his expectation for yours?
Despite my lifelong involvement in D/s, DD, BDSM, (insert the letters of your choice) ......I've always separated certain things from it: kids, finances, personal views/beliefs, etc. So I never held with that "sub in all things" notion. While letting off steam is good, putting your foot down is fine too.
Best wishes.
I'm sorry it got to this point for you, but happy you found a way to release it all. It's amazing what the body can do.
ReplyDeleteI'm in a 'funk' today too. So much emotional crap stewing- and a sense of hopelessness over it. Illness dictates that B can even open a valve for me- not that I'm convinced he would anyway.
Now- on with your week, without feeling the weight as much!!!
Oh and KD, most of our dynamic does not carry over into those areas either. At the start of all this I told B o was never going to be a Submissive mother.
Willie
kd
ReplyDeleteHonestly you (anyone) can ask me anything - 99% of the time I will answer truthfully!
RE the dom/sub relationship in this house - Sir Steve is definitely 'the boss' (as I love to tease him) BUT truthfully when it comes to the lil one and every day living we pretty much share the responsibilities.
Just a wee bit of background here - Sir Steve was/is involved with the lil one - when she was a baby (for example) he would work a 12 hour shift - come home mid day and mother would just hand off the baby to him ... When life fell apart for him - child protection services came in and removed the mother from the house.... he had sole responsibility and custody of the lil one.
The one fault I have with child protective services - they took the step to ensure the child's safety -- But they didn't give Sir Steve any support - or advise on how to deal with the repercussions. He truthfully did the best job he could do given the circumstances.
My training and my career was spent mostly with needy children - needy academically and more importantly socially.
When Sir Steve and I first started seeing each other.... it didn't take me long to see how much work / help the lil one needed. (example - Sir Steve couldn't get her into a bath - she would panic and scream and plead not to put her in she would scream it was TOO hot !!! she was 3!!!)
Anyway - I did some serious soul searching before I moved here to his city AND even more before I moved in with him. I thought I knew what I was getting into
Soooooooooooo our roles were pretty much set... I was going to work with the lil one - academically and socially ....... over the last couple of years I have given Sir Steve strategies and tools to deal with the lil one and he is a fast learner!!!
Then last March happened -- and we went to online / distance learning. It made sense - me being a teacher ( mother openly said she couldn't/wouldn't do math - there was her history of neglect - and her lack of desire to actually 'mother' her own child) to take over teaching.... 5 days a week. At the time - honestly I thought it was just gonna be for a couple of weeks - then just till June -- then ........ sighing .... till some miracle happens - like we all get vaccinated.
GAH - I'm just going on and on here kd - GAH - not sure I have answered your question -- I AM trying to let go of control over everything - and Sir Steve is very willing to step up and fill in........
IF I didn't succeed in answering you ask more questions LOL
It seems like you've an enormous help to Sir Steve and the lil one. I'm curious as to what might be happening if you weren't there. Would he have the option and the ability to stay home and do all you do?
ReplyDeleteI have no doubt the explosion was beneficial. I wish it could have made life normal again though.
PK
ReplyDeleteTrust me my mind has gone there -- and it scares me -- he would definitely do whatever he has to... and fortunately he can work from home....
BUT - I am trying very hard to not do the 'what if's' cause it doesn't help
ohhhhhh willie - I'm sorry you're kinda funky today...... do ya think we're all getting more 'funky' cause we're fed up with all this crap called 'pandemic' and everything that means??
ReplyDeleteI think we're all getting cabin fever. When we were in lockdown it was simply horrid. too much emotions emanating from everyone in ONE space. at home. all at once.
ReplyDeleteI needed to vent A LOT. and then you start feeling better, as you do. so vent away.
*hugs*.
I think you answered it, and pretty fully too. Thanks. The reason I asked is that as a third party reader, I was getting a "where's the dad?" feeling. And since the dad is a dominant force and not a submissive one, I just thought there'd be more protection for you. (I know...lol.... a stereotypical guy thing. I am a sub and I get very protective, so I just assume doms do too). I am not sure if your answers are changing my mind though. Yes, you're the ex-teacher, but he's the biological dad. Which in my mind warrants a heavier load of involvement? I mean it sounds like you are overwhelmed and it just doesn't seem fair.
ReplyDeleteI guess he might be overwhelmed by what she needs and you might have the right expertise, but regardless of Dom/sub roles, if all this is going to fall on you, I think your 'rewards' should be as over-the-top as your involvement is.
It sometimes happens here with us. Remember I am the step dad here too. And sometimes I have to explode too and remind Rosa of what I am doing. I don't like to "pull the bio card" but I have, and sometimes it's not a bad reminder.....especially when one is feeling a bit overwhelmed. And to her credit, Rosa usually tries to step up if I feel she is relying too heavily on me. I think this is just a typical issue for step parents and being the step is never easy. We have all of the responsibility but less of the implied authority.
Again, best of luck. Hopefully things do ease up. I just heard here in the US vaccine supplies have doubled in production and going out to states. Everyone around me is getting them (ironically). LOL And I'm the one who went to the hospital. (eyeroll)
kd - vaccinations here are a bloody joke... I'm thinking we'll be lucky to get it before Christmas :(
ReplyDeleteFondles - we've just come out of our second lock down (this one has been in effect since Christmas)
ReplyDeleteAt least I can get my hair cut this week which might lift my spirits
Thank you Morningstar. I do believe some of the funk is most definitely due to the pandemic. Probably the Lions share. I miss connection with people. Conversatios that aren't about this damn pandemic. It's difficult to have those when you aren't in each other's space for any length of time. Conversations have either become light in nature or bitching about this, that or the other thing. I guess I'm out of practice being vulnerable is the issue.
ReplyDeleteOf course it's winter in Ontario so that doesn't help. Today I tried once again in vain to make camping reservations only to not be able to get one for July. It's more than just not being able to have one, it's about having something concrete to look forward to.
AND last but certainly not least, I've not been well. Don't currently have a family Dr and because of lockdown my potentially new ones office construction has been delayed. Having any issues that show symptoms of Covid ( I've tested negative twice now) has doctors not wanting to see you and the ones you talk to still have their minds Covid-centric. I've spent the better part of the last 2 weeks running into dead ends trying to get whatever it was I needed. So yeah a bit if a funk...but mostly it was the camping thing this AM that was the straw that broke the camel's back.
** I read your excited about your hair cut. One of the things I noticed about your photo the other day was how pretty your hair looked!
willie
Ps thank you for adding my blog to your roll 😊
willie
ReplyDeletecouldn't get a reservation because ?? they are full? or they aren't booking? I can feel your disappointment re the camping... we're lucky as we have a seasonal site and don't have to worry - our summer home :)
as for the doctor - I'm a little pissed cause though I have a family doctor I can't get to talk to him. When I had my fall and called him - his office got a health nurse to call me back.......... she diagnosed me over the phone - and was wrong!
My hair?? ugh... I have it cut in an asymmetrical cut with very VERY short back ......... I usually have it cut every 3 - 4 weeks to keep the shape - it's now been 3 months since my last cut... it's all sticky up ... and the back AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH it's plain ugly ... Friday can't come quick enough !!
Hang in there ......
Couldn't get one because it was full. Not always unusual for July but it is for June. I wish they would have done like other provinces did last year and kept reservations for Ontario residents only. It is hard to compete around here with Quebec construction weeks, especially during the pandemic
ReplyDeleteWe all have to vent sometimes and things have been building up for you a lot lately.Take care of yourself
ReplyDeletePrefectdt
This: "I think your 'rewards' should be as over-the-top as your involvement is." I agree 1000%
ReplyDeleteHi Morningstar,
ReplyDeleteYou *do* have a lot on your shoulders caring for everyone and you put their needs first. Sir Steve and the lil one are truly blessed to have you. It's no wonder it got too much and you blew, particularly when you add the pain and recovery you are going through on top.
We all need to vent at times. I'm glad you got it out and were then able to enjoy a good weekend.
Hugs
Roz