Devastated

and I don't have any balls.

It's been a really rough week for me - emotionally.  Sir Steve met with the lil one's mother on Monday.  It's the first time they have actually met face to face to discuss the lil one for a couple of years.  

And it was an eye opener.

When Sir Steve was telling me about the meeting..... my mind just whirled.......... the lil one has been lying to both mom and dad....... manipulating all of us.  and because no one was talking to the other one ...... she has gotten away with it for a couple of years at least.

AND she doesn't seem the least bit phased by the whole situation.... I have removed some privileges (like using my computer) and she just shrugged her shoulders and went off to play in her room.  

Believe you me -- over these last few days I have questioned how... why... I thought I could be a 'step mom'.  I feel like I have failed.  I thought I had reached her -- made an impression ya know? ........ turns out she was playing me -- I haven't touched her at all....... 

And now I feel -- I'm not sure what I feel -- hurt ... angry..... sad...... a failure. And I have no idea where I go from here............. 

 
 I hope so.....
  

Conflicted

I am so proud of Sir Steve.  He is doing so very well at work.  He has received a raise.. and lots of praise for the job he is doing.... He received a bonus... and now he has received a promotion.

On the surface it looks pretty damn good doesn't it ??

But after the shine wore off the good news I started thinking......... who praises me for a good job?? Who gives me a raise?? Who gives me a bonus?? and there's no promotion possible in my 'job'.  And if it wasn't for the job I do....... Sir Steve wouldn't be able to give 110% at work.... leaving nothing left for us (or nearly nothing)

Am I feeling sorry for myself? Maybe.  I thought I had worked the pros and cons of starting a relationship with a man much younger than myself who comes with a small child.  Honestly I thought I had worked it all out and come into it with my eyes open.  But I missed the bit about being a stay at home Mom again....... with almost no recognition.... and always having to juggle my time to accommodate bus schedules and work schedules and ballet classes and home work.  After so many years of 'freedom' it is proving difficult 

And I feel very conflicted ....... cause I love this man and want the very best for him......and I know my being here .. my picking up all the slack... handling all the day to day problems makes it much easier for him to do what he needs to do...... 
but it's hard to go backwards ..... back to where I was 40 some odd years ago....... 

nodding

yup it's hard to go backwards

Practice

 We had a good weekend Sir Steve and I.... we did everything we planned to do -- well almost.

We did a quick run to Montreal to have a small birthday celebration with eldest grandson -- we picked up some groceries -- and came home to bed.....hours together in bed...... I even got my picnic lunch of grilled cheese sandwiches and chocolate milk in bed on Sunday.

 BUT

we had planned -- *I* had counted on -- having some anal play.  Sir Steve had told me way back when -- that I had to "practice" so that I would be ready.  And I did practice for awhile !!!  BUT it got boring doing it myself -- and it never seemed to be on our agenda -- and so I stopped -- gave up??? 

Sir Steve had suggested - or I suggested -- honestly I don't remember who suggested - that I bring my 'toy' with me this visit ...... so it was on the agenda and still I didn't practice before coming.  

Saturday driving home from Montreal -- I was aware I had HUGE butterflies in my stomach -- I was anxious / excited / nervous for this time alone with Sir Steve -- for the anal play.  I wanted soooooooooo badly to do this with him.

Sunday morning after some rather hot sex Sir Steve told me to get the toy -- I didn't exactly jump at the idea.  Suddenly it was not a fantasy - it was gonna become reality and I was shy and scared ......... Sir Steve said that we didn't have to  and I shook my head -- I wanted this -- I really did!!!! so I rolled over and grabbed the toy and gave it to him.

He was gentle and patient -- and more than lovingly understanding -- but it didn't work -- almost worked BUT almost only counts in horseshoes.  I was so disappointed and felt I had let Sir Steve down -- or disappointed him -- something......... cause IF I had kept up my practicing it probably would have worked right??!!! and because I got bored and didn't practice it didn't work.  

And round and round my brain went -- no matter what Sir Steve said -- no matter how reassuring he was -- no matter how much he snuggled and pampered me -- I felt like I had failed him  

AND

I do not handle failure well -- at all !!! 

The toy has been put in a drawer by the bed -- he totally understands bout the boring solo thing -- and has said we will practice together -- and it WILL happen one day....... 

I'm just sorry it didn't happen this weekend ya know -- we get so little private time together. 

And NO -- just no

and so the onion soup taste test didn't happen...... shit happens 

forgive me if I am quiet for a couple of days..... it's just been that kind of Christmas.

Misunderstandings

What did you see in the picture above - a duck??? a rabbit?? something else?? 




Misunderstandings are a bit like the picture -- everyone sees something different - interprets words / phrases/feelings differently.   

And misunderstandings can start small -- with different interpretations for a word - flirt becomes stalker - stalker becomes predator ...... feelings that were slightly bruised can spiral totally out of control.  Then more words are said -- more feelings are hurt -- and it starts to all spiral out of control.

And usually when I think that things have blown over - cause they should have -- they haven't and they bubble up again..........and I am left feeling confused and hurt and feeling just a tad insane .... cause I don't know what anyone is talking about any more.... and I land up feeling at odds with everyone.  

Mostly - MOSTLY - I have been caught in the middle of a misunderstanding.. 
I say mostly because at the very beginning I did have an opinion - and in my usual brush it off attitude -- I kinda made a joke (ok a bad one I admit it ) but then I figured just let it go -- it's really not about YOU.  BUT it did involve two friends -- and I did get caught in the middle.  

Have I told you I don't like being in the middle -- and I most definitely do NOT like having to pick sides.  

AND I do NOT air dirty laundry in public...... EVER........ I believe in private conversation -- rational conversation -- diplomatic conversation -- cause I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  

But people's feelings did get hurt -- and yeah some of it was my doing.  People don't believe I was loyal to this party -- or that I didn't say a, b, or c to that person - I feel like people are watching every twitch I make and interpreting it to mean something much more than it means.  (I itch I twitch - sometimes it's as simple as that)

Last night was the straw that broke the camel's back.  I felt like I was being accused of saying something someone else said.  It was suggested to me that everyone have a big sit down discussion - ohhhhhh a whole lot of things were suggested.

AND I said NO
I am DONE
It's over for me

Because at some point trying to convince people that it is a rabbit when they see a duck is impossible.

And the one thing I DID realize -- I can not change anyone's opinion of me -- I am a duck I am a rabbit -- I am wrong.  BUT what I can do - I can shut the computer off... I can shut all the noise out ... I can remember my grandmother's words -- the truth will come out eventually - you may not be there to see it happen -- but the truth always wins out.

And my last word - very last word on this whole thing is............. 

"The Difference a Day Makes"

Almost a week ago I wrote how excited I was - we were going to have a mini holiday this past weekend.......... and that I was getting excited for Christmas.  Everything seemed to be falling into place... everyone seemed happy ........

And then it all kinda fell apart........... 

Oh the time W and I spent together in the hotel was amazing........ W got to go to his flight club and pop in on his train club (well ex-train club) and go to all his hobbie shops...... I spent quiet time in the hotel just vegging..........

And then we went to grandson's birthday party.......... It should have run like clock work.. it should have been easy peasy .. drop in .. have coffee and cake - watch the birthday boy open his presents and get on the road back home........ 

Only that isn't what happened..... extended family happened.  I felt myself getting pissed off ............ and as soon as we could escape we did............ However W was angrier than I was over something that happened..... and it all blew up on Sunday,

I had been trying to come up with an alternate plan for Christmas on the way home in the car.... cause logic told me neither W nor I were gonna make it through 48 hours or so of family Christmas............ 

Despite what I dream of.... sparkling Christmas lights... presents wrapped under the tree.. happy smiling kids.. golden brown turkey with all the trimmings - a Rockwell type of Christmas - it never happens... EVER.  Somebody always gets cranky - or sick.  Kids fight.  Adults fight.  It's never as pretty or Christmasy as I dream............

and that realization shook my world.. my fantasy world.  (god why do I insist on trying to live some sort of damn fantasy??!!)  

Anyway - everything blew up.. W isn't talking to my kids and their extended family - my kids aren't talking to him........ and I am sitting smack dab in the middle feeling like I am gonna be sick.

With things the way they are now - there isn't even any hope of a compromise Christmas.  I will NOT have Christmas without W.... W.I.L.L.  N.O.T.... no way no how.

So now I must search for some way to compromise the family Rockwell Christmas fantasy with the reality of two old buggers alone over Christmas.......... 

shrug - at least there won't be any rude extended family - or sick kids .........