What is Love.........

 

Out of the mouths of babes......
 
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?' 
 
 
'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore...
So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too.
That's love.' Rebecca - age 8
 
'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.' Billy - age 4
 
'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.' Karl - age 5
 
'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.' Chrissy - age 6
 
'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him,
to make sure the taste is OK.' Danny - age 8
 
'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and just listen.'
Bobby - age 7 
 
'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.' Nikka - age 6
 
'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt,
then he wears it every day.' Noelle - age 7
 
'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that.
I wasn't scared anymore.' Cindy - age 8
 
'My mommy loves me more than anybody.
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.' Clare - age 6
 
'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.' Elaine - age 5
 
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.' Chris - age 7
 
'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.' Mary Ann - age 4
 
'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.' Lauren - age 4
 
'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.'Karen - age 7 


'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross...' Mark - age 6
 
'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot.
People forget.' Jessica - age 8
 
And the final one: The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked what he had said to the neighbour, the little boy said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry.
 
Go be a child again today!........

Yours Mine Ours

I hope you read the above - yes I know it's long but my thoughts today are based on it.  (also if you're social distancing yourself and home all day long it gives you something else to do right?? grinning)

First a little background on how I identify -- for those that may not know -- I am a masochist.... I enjoy pain -- I get highly aroused by pain.  Sir Steve is a Sadist -- he enjoys giving pain -- he is aroused by giving pain.  (ok put like that it makes us sound pretty sick right?? )

Anywayyyyyyyyyy

Actual play sessions..... laying out whips and floggers and paddles ... have dwindled down to nothing.  Last summer Sir Steve did whoop my ass a couple of times with his belt and a few times with his hands.  After the fact I was sore and questioning my masochist label......... thinking it wasn't as good as I remembered... 

I do believe during those play times Sir Steve's heart wasn't fully in it....... I think he was doing it for me.  And therefore there was something missing... an energy that has been necessary for me to 'get off' on. 

Being me I have been analyzing our situation off and on for months now.  Maybe Sir Steve had changed and wasn't the Sadist I met years ago.  Maybe the changes in his life - endings... beginnings ... stress... had caused changes inside of him.. a death of sorts.  Had he just simply outgrown the need to play?  (oh I must add - it took me awhile to get to this point - to get past blaming myself for the lack of play)

I realized that - back in the day - we went out every single weekend - sometimes Friday and Saturday night - to clubs or private home parties - to play........ to wear our leathers and bring all our toys - to lay them out at the foot of a piece of equipment (like a St. Andrew's cross or spanking bench) for me to be tied to the equipment and Sir Steve would pick up the toys one by one and use them on me ... usually for a half hour or more........ and usually more than once in an evening.   (And back in those days Sir Steve was married to someone who played with us....... so there was no sex at all involved in our play.  If I can compare it to vanilla events - it was like going to  club and dancing all night.)

Times have changed (even before the pandemic happened).  There are no play parties - no clubs like there used to be. 

And so here we are........... 

We may not be 'playing' anymore........ but there is something replacing that play......not sure what to call it...... kinky sex ??? it doesn't really cover what happens... but is as close as I can explain..........

How to describe this politely (grinning) ......... 

Sir Steve is ..... ummmm... 'blessed' in size shall we say....... he used to be gentle with me ... but even still I would gasp ... and would often be tender the day after.  
Now......... well not so gentle anymore and it is amazing!!  (perhaps feeds into my rough sex fantasies) He will bite (gently but sharply) ... his hand will often go around my neck.... and I am discovering this is satisfying my masochist side...... weird eh? 

BUT

I think what is the most important thing about this is....... We are finding new ways to express our love...... to express our kinky sides.... we're not 'throwing the baby out with the bath water' because love is more than selfish needs.

Life is good when love triumphs

SURPRISE !!

Tomorrow is Sir Steve's birthday.  Youngest daughter - a few weeks ago - invited all of us to her place for a pool party and barbecue.  Secretly I contacted her and the eldest daughter to plan a mini surprise birthday party for Sir Steve.  

Then his parents said they wanted to come visit for his birthday....... le sigh....... they wanted to come on Saturday -- but have agreed to come tomorrow.  So I got to plan 2 birthdays for Sir Steve .......... how could I not??? if I wanted to keep today's party a surprise.  

So I have ordered 2 cakes -- one big one with dragons for today and a smaller one with a football theme for Sunday.  The lil one is so excited for these birthday parties....... she made her dad (with my help) a plaque that says "You Rock" from salt dough and small rocks from the road outside our trailer....... we baked it and sealed it and it's all wrapped up for Daddy.  I bought him a samurai that he's had his eye on -- and being the sneaky conniving woman I am I had it sent to youngest daughter's house!!

Life is good when you can celebrate with laughter love and family !





 

History

Since the announcement of our engagement -- some folks have said "that was quick"... 

Time for a little history lesson (grinning)

Sir Steve and I have known each other for over 10 years.  When I first met him he was married........ This was back in the days of play parties every weekend.... I was single at the time and looking for a play partner with no strings -- or expectations -- attached.   Sir Steve and his wife became my play partners... sometimes it was Sir Steve -- sometimes both of them -- and rarely just his wife.  Then on Sunday they would come and spend the afternoon with me and we'd drink coffee and solve the great mysteries of the world.

After weeks of playing together I realized I was developing some serious feelings for Sir Steve............ but I am an honourable woman and would never EVER do anything to act on those feelings with a married man.... we were friends only.

When his marriage imploded -- quickly and without much warning -- we went our separate ways.  BUT BDSM is a community ... and I would get news on both of them and the different directions their lives went.

Then Sir Steve met the lil one's mom... oh the gossip in the community!!!  She didn't have the best reputation -- was a bit of a gold digger so I heard.....shrug... his life was moving along and I was happy for him.  

We still bumped into each other at munches and play parties... I even got to meet the lil one when she was just a babe in arms..... 

It turns out that Sir Steve kept his ears open for news about me -- much the same way as I did for him.... and he has told me he fussed a bit with some of the decisions I made.  

BUT we weren't meant to be ya know...... he had made a life for himself with someone else and I had gone back to the man who had been my Dom....I closed the book and moved on.

Then two years ago........ out of the blue........ Sir Steve contacted me on Facebook.  I was SO conflicted!!  BUT he only wanted to be friends again....... what could happen right?? We talked for a couple of months via messenger... and then he convinced me to stop for coffee on one of my trips to Montreal....... even then I didn't make it easy for him.... in November I agreed to meet him -- but on my way home -- and I warned him it would be early in the morning.  I texted him at 8 am and said 'I'll be there in an hour' and he met me !!!

More talking for another month and then just after New Year's he came to visit -- twice in one week !!  and the second visit lasted 2 1/2 days..... and that was it.... we were one.  We fit together like a puzzle.. complimenting each other.

He helped me heal -- did what was impossible for my therapist do (yes I was in therapy for a long time after the relationship with my Dom ended)    He gave me a whole new perspective of what a 'good submissive' could be... he held my hand and helped me grow -- helped me move forward....helped me heal.

And so it was -- after a only a few months of commuting between cities I decided to move .......... 

And here we are now -- engaged!

Wedding plans??? Sir Steve is still legally married to the lil one's mom...... he will have to get a divorce and neither of us have any illusions about how easy that is gonna be........... 

BUT

as I told him...... knowing he wants to marry me -- wearing his ring on my finger... having that commitment is all I really need ..... if the day comes when we can make it legal .. shrug... it'll probably be a quick visit to city hall (on a lunch hour -- grinning) 

 

One Year

We decided (well it was probably more me than Sir Steve) that June 1st would be our official anniversary.

It made sense to me -- we had a lot of "firsts" since Sept 2016 when he contacted me on Facebook......... BUT June 1st 2017 was when I officially packed up and moved to live with him.

We had a wonderful Anniversary weekend at the campsite -- steak and shrimp and wine for dinner on Friday night -- lots of good sex -- lots of quiet times by the fire and snuggling time.  Sir Steve even told me he was so proud to call me his girlfriend. (which made my heart swell)

But I wonder ya know ......... cause I'm like that over thinking the simplest things .... if he even thought in terms of 'anniversaries'.  We've settled into a routine -- a comfortable routine....which is what happens - right?? when you're together for any length of time......... 

 there's no spankings anymore......... there just never seems to be time or privacy enough for spankings...... for my feeling his control over my body.... for my masochist getting what she needs...... and I wonder how the Sadistic side of Sir Steve feels -- maybe it doesn't miss the spankings or does the normalcy of our relationship just not leave any time or space for them........... 

AND the first year was no walk in the park -- the stress of the custody -- the stress of adjusting for all of us -- last summer's unbelievable stress at the campgrounds feeling like we were always being watched and tested... All of that seems to have settled down -- life is better......... 

So now we embark on the second year together -- what it holds for us is anyone's guess -- but I am willing to bet it will hold lots of loving -- and more adjusting -- and compromise....... and establishing what this life together looks like, feels like, and IS for us.

Life is good when love comes first. 

 

Plotting and Scheming

                            ME

We have a loose nightly routine...... we take the dog out for her last pee of the night... then Sir Steve takes her to her room ... takes his pills ... shuts off the lights ... checks the doors are locked... and then heads to the bedroom

*I* take my nightly pills -- have my last pee of the night and then head to the bedroom where I pull the covers down -- fluff the pillows -- turn the lamp on by his side of the bed ... and then I strip and climb into bed and wait for HIM to join me. 

Once in a blue moon Sir Steve beats me into bed and lies there watching me strip and climb into bed.  It always makes me 'uncomfortable' for some reason....... and my mind tends to go "BUT BUT BUT I'm supposed to be in bed first!"

 

Him

WELL

the other night Sir Steve beat me into bed....... I got uncomfortable -- and therefore a bit bratty.  I told him he wasn't allowed to beat me into bed!!  (You could see the wheels turning in his head )

AND

the next night -- he beat me into bed again!!  and my brain went "Right Game On!"

SO

last night I matter of factly wandered into the kitchen (during the last 5 minutes of the show we were watching) and took my pills -- then nonchalantly wandered into the bathroom and had my night time pee.  Then I went back and sat down to watch the last few minutes of the show.  

We got up to take the dog out -- but Sir Steve was taking F O R E V E R  to join me outside - so I opened the door to see him stripping off his tshirt before putting on his coat.  I started laughing -- accused him of cheating!  

My brain started to work overtime... he had a head start --- quick quick what can I do to get the advantage back.......... 

Sir Steve and the dog came out -- I had a plan!!  After no more than 3 minutes outside I begged cold and headed back inside.  Sir Steve called the dog and I had to quickly alter my plan....... I was stripping off my coat and boots while I let the dog in......... BUT as soon as the dog was in ... while Sir Steve was hanging her rope up outside... I slammed the door shut and locked it!

YAY ME!!  I had the advantage!!  YAY ME!!

that is ...... until I heard Sir Steve using his key to unlock the door!! Who knew he had his bloody house keys with him??!!!

By this point I am giggling SO hard 

I turned and dashed for the bedroom......... I was trying to strip my clothes off as fast as I could as Sir Steve came dashing into the bedroom kicking his jeans off!!!  He literally dove onto the bed trying to get his socks and underwear off at the same time.  I am doubled over in my lil corner -- still trying to get my turtle neck off -- but laughing so hard I can hardly breath never mind strip.... 

I turned around to see my Sir Steve -- in his most "domly dom-ness" spread eagle on the bed -- virtually naked -- kicking his feet frantically to get his underwear off -- all the while holding down the blankets so I can't slide into bed!!!

By the time we both got under the covers our bellies ached from laughing.  I couldn't help but think if anyone could have seen us pulling these antics they would have thought we were lunatics.  

Life is good when you're not too 'adult' to have a silly moment or two!



 
 

Just a Little News

A while back someone (forgive me I totally forget who it was) asked me what was happening with my quirky lil apartment as it seemed I wasn't using it very much.

Truth be told -- since I moved here last June -- I have not stayed overnight in the apartment once.  We had some really good / valid reasons for my having my own place.  I didn't want any possible problems with the court/custody battle.  I didn't want the government to stick it's nose in (here if you live with someone for 12 months the government decides you are married and buggers around with your benefits) 

AND I guess the biggest reason was my insecurity about once again giving up something that was mine and moving to something that wasn't.  All the 'what ifs' kept popping up in my head.  So I stubbornly hung on to the lil quirky apartment.

Last weekend Sir Steve asked me why wouldn't I move in with him.... 'let's just do it'.  I raised the government benefit questions...... the custody problems and he basically said "Screw it - move in with me!"  

On Wednesday this week I wrote up the end of lease letter for the management company.  I looked at Sir Steve and said 'last chance!  Are you positive you want me living here 24/7 ?"  (which was a dumb question seeing as that is exactly what I am doing - have been doing) And he said 'YES'.  

So the letter was delivered.  And I have to be out of my quirky lil apartment by June 1st.

I insisted we tell the lil one on Wednesday -- she seemed excited by the idea and actually said "so this will be your home too now!"
 
We told the eldest daughter last night -- her reaction was -- what took so long?!

We will tell the youngest daughter tomorrow. 

It's gonna take some imagination and work to weave my furniture/belongings into this house -- there will be a fair amount of storing furniture etc in the basement  'just in case'.  

BUT come June 1st I will officially be living with Sir Steve -- in OUR home 
AND that is a very good thing !

Vanilla

Vanilla 

pretty much describes our life ........... 

We are a family -- he works to pay the bills -- I cook and clean and do child care - and take care of my expenses.  At night we're so tired we fall into bed .... whisper in each other's ear for a while then fall asleep -- get up the next day and do it all again.

I'm an outsider -- no matter how you slice it -- I am an outsider.  I have no voice with the lawyers -- or Youth Protection.  The other family treats me like I have the plague 
And sometimes so does the lil one.  Sometimes he doesn't see how much this hurts me 

I don't look for kinky activities anymore -- cause ya know -- it's not as good if I feel it's just for me.  Not as good at all.

I ask myself -- is this life now?  and I know it is.  Now I need to adjust my thought processes -- find my way in this reality -- that truthfully always was the reality -- only I am a dreamer -- always have been.

I love this man I call Sir Steve -- nothing can or will change that.  It's just my dreams I have to adjust --- so they meld better with the reality.

 

 


 

Too Much?

Kahil Gibran

We talked last evening -- Sir Steve and I.  He reads my blog nearly every day -- knowing that.... I still wrote what was in my heart yesterday.  I couldn't speak the words -- but they had to be said before my head exploded.

  

This love I have for this man hurts.  I have never experienced such a deep emotion before.

BUT calmer heads /voices prevailed.  Thanks to a much younger woman very dear to my heart who wrote me privately and pointed out logic that had escaped me in the blindness of love.  

Sir Steve needs more time ......... oh he loves me with his whole heart of that I am sure -- but after 2 horrendous break ups -- having his ex wife walk in here a few months ago and walk out with every thing but the kitchen sink -- makes him cautious I think.  

Time will heal his wounds -- and show him my love is so much deeper -- so much more sincere 

And then when the time is right -- when we are both on the same page -- then changes can happen.  

For now I will love him and the lil one with my whole being.  I will bury my needs until that time.......  I will be a 'good submissive' and wait for him to take the lead.......and I will follow gladly and willingly.......for I 'know the pain of too much tenderness - to be wounded by my own understanding of love' 

AND that is ok!

A Peaceful Heart

On Boxing Day -- youngest daughter and I were 'debriefing' Christmas and I said that I was surprised that all the noise and people and stress hadn't gotten to me.... She agreed with me and asked innocently enough if I had taken a 'pill' to stay calm.  I laughed and said I had not taken anything !!  I was just that laid back!!

Then I think we kinda tested my calmness by packing up on the 28th and heading off to eldest daughter's home for a 'sleep over' with the lil one. (not that the eldest would test my calmness -- that came out wrong! -- but that these two days would mean I had been social and around people steadily for almost a week!!)

We all had an amazing time!!  There was much laughter and love and hugs ....... just the way it's supposed to be between families at the holidays (in my humble opinion) 

The lil one had such fun playing Barbies with her new Auntie -- and reading with her new Uncle.  She was so delighted with reading all the new books that she read to Willow (one of my eldest's dogs) 

We all had a delicious dinner with CANDLES (the lil one announced)

And after the lil one was in bed we adults played some board games -- such an old fashioned sort of Christmas ......  

We had a lazy breakfast the next morning -- and just after noon we left and drove the lil one to her mom's for the week.  (interesting side note on that -- but am saving that for another day's post - so I don't ruin the peaceful tone of this entry)

Now Sir Steve and I are tucked in for the next 3 days -- it's so bloody cold (still got the Polar Vortex swirling around with temps at -22) so our plans involve lots of binge TV watching -- lots of sex -- and maybe even some play....... 

AND that is a great way to end off the year ......... 

A Moment in Time

Yesterday Sir Steve gave me more instructions before meeting him at the gym.

It was almost a repeat of the other day.... I got out of my car carrying the gym bag and walked to him.  He pulled me in close for a kiss -- and a grope.  I was grinning at him... he, on the other hand, missed the 'evidence' and was scowling at me a little bit... 

As we turned from the embrace to walk towards the gym... a car honked. We both turned and scanned the parked cars.   In the front window facing us was the hand heart sign............. pretty much like this...........

We both grinned and continued our walk to the gym hand in hand.  But whoever that person was who took 2 minutes to 'cheer' on our love - they made our night.

Wonderful Memories

We had an amazing weekend!

Mother Nature gave us a summer hot weekend -- and the calendar gave us an almost empty campground.  

My eldest daughter and her partner took possession of their trailer on Friday which is across the road from us.  We had a great visit all weekend and the dogs made friends with Sir Steve's dog and played nicely.

The nights though -- they were the best.  The Sadist came to camp this weekend and I have the bruises to prove it.  Each morning my body would ache and I glowed.  I would stroke the bruises lovingly.

I wanted / had asked Sir Steve if we might light a 'wish' lantern and send it off into the universe on our last weekend.  He bought two -- one red and one blue.
On Saturday night -- just before we went into our trailer -- we lit our lanterns and sent them heaven ward with a "happy ever after wish"......

Life is good when you are making memories with the love of your life........ 

Despite it All.........

I know a lot of my entries this summer have been stories of conflict and anger and hurt.

But my life isn't that at all really.  My life is full of love. No one ever promised it was gonna be easy.  What's that song?? "I didn't promise you a rose garden"??? Sir Steve's first concern for me - way back in February/March was that his ex's were gonna make my life miserable -- gonna drive me away.  

(shaking head)

I waited too long for Sir Steve -- for this love we have.  There is nothing that will drive me away!

Together we can get through anything -- strong........... united....... in love.  And if anyone thinks they can drive a wedge between us -- they will see it only brings us closer.

Life is good when your love is strong.

 

 

Intimacy as foreplay

Once a very long time ago I was having a discussion with a girlfriend about sex.  And I remember her telling me that I had had good sex -- but not terrific sex.  I didn't understand -- after all I could have multiple orgasms and that was terrific no?? And she had just smiled at me and said "wait -- when you start having terrific sex you will know -- AND you will never be content with good sex again".

Fast forward some 20 years and here I am ........ at my age! finally experiencing terrific sex.  And she was right -- I can't go back to 'good sex' -- I want terrific sex !

And this terrific sex does not happen when we strip and climb into bed .... no NO!  it happens all day long - from his mid day texts that say "hey sexy how's your day going".... to the soft kisses .... to his thanking me for the smallest things.  It is walking through the woods holding hands talking about whatever and he stops and kisses me cupping my face in his hand .... the sparkle in his eye while he is kissing me.  It's his grabbing my ass playfully as I walk past him.  It's snuggling up close together at bedtime and talking about silly things -- or serious things -- our bodies entwined hands touching.  It's his holding my breast softly gently till my mind shuts off and I fall asleep.

It's all those things and so much more.

It's the intimacy during the day that makes for terrific sex..... it's the knowing he loves me - despite my scars my worries my sometimes obsessiveness - maybe because of them.

It's also his knowing my body - exploring it -- getting to know it intimately.  It's allowing me to explore his body and get to know it.  It's his knowing when to wrap his hand around my neck and look down at me with 'that look' and knowing my body will melt and open to him....... or when to simply make soft gentle love to me.  

Terrific sex is his knowing me.. knowing my body.... and filling me up with love. 

 

Despite The Crazies

This morning I realized that the crazies are always gonna be crazy 
They are always gonna stand just outside my world and poke 
They are always gonna try and get a reaction out of me.

I can get through all of it because at the end of the day..........

I slide into bed with Sir Steve and he wraps his arms around me and the world shrinks down to the two of us - snuggled in the dark -- talking about the day -- whispering our love -- and the crazies -- all of them -- vanish in a poof of smoke.

I know that no matter how they poke at me during the day -- how they sneak up behind me and blind side me - no matter what they do to try and disturb my peace.. my santuary .. my sanity ... that in the dark of the night my faith is restored because I am really truly loved.

Surprise

Life is indeed full of surprises!

Sir Steve followed me for almost 10 years through this blog -- kept an eye on me so to speak - never commented -- never whispered in my ear... nothing... no clue.

He still reads here daily and rarely if ever says anything to me -- and most definitely never comments.

But he posted a comment on Stop Just Stop  (click the link to read) -- he posted all the words he whispers in my ear when the day is over and we are lying in bed snuggled up together... maybe he's hoping if I see it in print I will believe him?? 

I don't know -- I just know it made me tear up (in a good way).... and it made me think I really have got the best man ever!  

Life is good when your Sir whispers in writing the words in his heart - for all the world to see ....... 

Stop -- Just Stop !

It all kinda came to a head on Wednesday -- the whole bit about the ex -- about my feeling like a cheap nanny..... and Sir Steve stepped in immediately - lined up a babysitter for in town -- so IF I need some time to myself I can have it without guilt -- and there's a woman at the campgrounds who has said if she's there she'll take her for a few hours to give me a break too..... 

BUT it was much more than all that ya know.... 

My need - my desire -- to be perfect - to have everything under control -- to be able to leap tall buildings -- to be able to do everything absolutely everything with no effort (or seeming effort) and I wasn't..... and I was crumbling.. 

And there is one other HUGE thing........ something I don't talk about -- there is a whacking big age difference between Sir Steve and myself -- like 17 years difference. And I have such a fear that one day Sir Steve is gonna look at me and ask himself what he was doing with such an old woman.  BUT if I could do everything -- how could he ever get rid of me.  Why would he ever look for someone younger / sexier / prettier ..... better than me?  IF I was perfect that is.

 BUT I realized that no matter how hard I work to be perfect 
No matter how hard I try to please Sir Steve
No matter how hard I try to please the lil one

He could still one day decide he wanted someone younger, prettier, sexier and there is really nothing I can do about that (experience is the best teacher ya know) 

AND maybe -- just maybe -- if I am just me and stop obsessing over being this super woman -- this perfect woman -- IF I just relax and be me -- then things might be calmer and happier and definitely a whole lot less stressful.

I have to STOP trying so hard..... just stop it!  and let the cards fall where they may right?

Peace Reigns

the pc is acting up......... so this will be short and sweet

 

Despite the dog peeing on Sir Steve's side of the bed yesterday -- despite his forgetting his wallet at the laundromat -- despite a cool Saturday -- I am relaxed and happy and thinking how I could get used to this!!

We added an addition to the fairy garden 

Shhhhhhhh - don't disturb the fairies!

 

Now I am off to try and fix my pc problems!!!

Fillng me up again

Everything from a strong hand around my neck -- to bruises on my breasts -- to sweet love making .......... 

BUT the voices were still yelling in my head -- loud noisy confusing 
noise -- 

Then last night when still I felt empty and lost ...... Sir Steve moved to sit beside me on the sofa -- wrapped his big strong arms around me and pulled me close -- head on his chest -- tears slowly running down my cheeks -- silence between us -- just his strength filling me up -- 

Then in bed we whispered in each other's ears -- and I could hear the voices silencing -- could feel the peace returning -- could believe that "we will indeed get through this together"  

And as my eyes closed the last voice disappeared ......

Life is good when you learn you are not alone ... and that together problems will be solved.

Lovers

Yesterday I posted a note Sir Steve left on my facebook wall for me.  I wanted to give everyone time to read it before I wrote a more detailed piece.... so if you haven't read it yet.. go HERE  and read it for goodness sakes! (grinning) 

When I read it I smiled and got this warm feeling inside.  When he finds something that speaks to him of our love he always shares it with me on Facebook ... a private declaration of his love made public.

There is not one thing on that list that Sir Steve doesn't do...(well except for rub my back when I get home from work - but then he would need really long arms to do that right now)  but my side needs a little work.  I am much more likely not to talk when something bothers me or upsets me.  In the past it has just been easier ya know.  But as Sir Steve is always reminding me - he isn't the men from my past. And gently wraps his arms around me and pulls me in tight and whispers in my ear -- reassuring encouraging words - getting me to slowly open up.

Months ago when we were just talking I typed "god I love you" then stopped and looked at the words on my screen -- and typed 'did I just say that out loud?" My heart stopped -- first it seemed too early for a declaration of love (even if I had wanted to say it 8 years ago) and secondly my past has taught me that the common response to that statement was "yeah me too" or just pretend it hadn't been said.  Sir Steve didn't hesitate for a second and typed back "I love you too".  Now most of our conversations start with "I love you" and end with it too.  "I love you" is said when we see each other and every morning and night we are together (never mind all the spontaneous 'love you's' through the day.

But it's much more than 3 little words -  we show each other our love in so many simple ways -- from my taking care of him while he recuperated from surgery -- to making his meals and coffee when we're together.  He is always asking what I ate during the day and if I remembered to take my meds.  AND now he is pushing me to keep up with my medical appointments -- even IF I resist.

I don't know if he notices (though I would bet he does cause he notices EVERYTHING!) but I smile every time he walks in a room -- or leaves a room.  I watch him intently and my heart beats a little quicker and I think I must have done something right to have such a man in my life.

He handles my anxiety like a pro - and it never seems to be too much -- never seems to throw him or upset him.  He accepts it as part of who I am  and knows it can only get better with time.

I know this all sounds sappy to some of you (most of you?) and I can hear everyone thinking "it's just the honeymoon stage - wait " 

BUT it is all so new to me -- to have a man who is not afraid to declare his love -- to work hard to hold up his end of the relationship -- to love hugs and give them and take them with no hesitation - who is showing me - teaching me - what a healthy relationship looks like, feels like, and sounds like........ and that dear readers is a very good thing!