Down the Rabbit Hole

Each time we go to court -- afterwards -- I seem to go down the rabbit hole....... 

This time was the worst -- I fell further than ever before and didn't know how to climb back out.

Saturday morning Sir Steve went out to run some messages and when he came home we had a long long talk...... and I cried and cried.......... He took me by the hand and pulled me into the bedroom.

He had me strip and lay on the bed.  He left the room and when he came back he had a lit candle.... and massage oil.  I am not big on massages.....not even close........ but lying there feeling his hands work the oil into my body -- rubbing and stroking it -- working the tight muscles loose felt like heaven.  I felt myself melting into the bed.......felt the stress easing... felt the bond between us building again

We had a lovely afternoon in bed -- and then a spur of the moment dinner out at a local restaurant.

Sunday -- despite the wonderful afternoon on Saturday -- I awoke with knots in my stomach again........ 

But Sir Steve pulled me into the bedroom again around noon -- and the brat came out to play.  I wiggled away from him .... squiggled and wiggled -- nipped and bit -- he tickled and I screeched.  We wrestled and played -- and suddenly nipple clamps were applied and I froze..... laid very still ...... eyes big........... He actually clamped them on!!!  WTF??!!  but I loved it as much as I whimpered over them.......

And the afternoon in bed was amazing -- great!!  emotionally healing for me...... 

The lil one came home around dinner time -- turns out 'mother' is not going away -- we are unsure as to whether she was fed misinformation or if she dreamed it up... but at this point I don't much care we have more weekends to ourselves -- more bonding time... more breathing space for me......... 

Life is good when you find your way out of the 'rabbit hole'..... 

illogical

Sir Steve and I talk every day -- morning and evening..... like clock work.  Last Tuesday I was feeling out of sorts (like most Mondays after we've been together) and I said something about coming to hate messenger and not being able to see him -- see his reactions.  The next thing I knew Sir Steve was requesting a video chat.  Smart man!  It worked wonders on my sinking heart..... and after an hour chatting... as I was saying goodnight.... I promised him he didn't have to do it every night.  It had worked it's magic and I was fine again.

I do love our evening chats -- we tease and laugh -- sometimes we have serious discussions -- sometimes we're quiet and watch our individual TV shows... but I know he's just there ready to answer me when I talk -- reach out to him.

The one thing I struggle with though -- is from time to time he will just go "POOF" disappear off messenger....... gone -- the lil green dot beside his name gone.  It's stupid I know -- but when that lil green dot disappears I suddenly feel a knot in the pit of my stomach.... like someone has popped the bubble I am living in and he is gone for good.

It's illogical I know -- and probably a bit obsessive -- I keep praying that the day will come when this fear I have  (that I am living a dream and that one day I am gonna wake up and it will all be over) will just be gone.

Until that day -- my stomach will knot when he goes "poof" .... and my heart will soar when he reappears. 

 

Creating peace

Because of who I am - I have been doing a lot of thinking about this summer and the campgrounds.  I know Sir Steve would love to spend most of the summer there -- it would make him very happy.  My discomfort over possible - POSSIBLE - problems with his ex-wife and inlaws was putting a damper on his happiness.  He has done everything possible to make it easier for me.  

So it was my turn to figure out how I could do this - for him -- but also for myself.  I love nothing better than sitting by the water in the summer - hell I had a cottage for a few years and spent my entire summer there every year.

The other day when I was talking about the new RV and my concerns awomaninacape left a comment suggesting I might actually be able to go most of the summer and never need to socialize with them.  So I pulled up the map of the campgrounds and looked at proximity and social areas and formed a plan in my head.  

I took a long hard look at my concerns....and realized the very worst they can do is talk.. blah blah blah.  I don't believe they have the nerve to say anything to my face and even if they do - it's only words.  What's the old saying "sticks and stones may break my bones  BUT words can never harm me".  I will set healthy boundaries for ME -- only me.  I will protect my inner peace -- my calm -- my 'zen'.  AND should Sir Steve's lil one decide to visit back and forth -- I have even planned out a route that does not involve anyone having to go on the other's site.

Healthy boundaries create peace and harmony ....... and that is all I want... that and to make Sir Steve happy -- and that is a good thing.

Complicated

New relationships come with 'extras' -- extra kids...extra siblings......extra parents...... extra in-laws and extra friends.

Life would be perfect IF all the extras could just accept new relationships with barely a blip.

But that's not always how it works.... some are happy.... some are sad/worried...some worry they will be forgotten and others are downright nasty.
 
My family is small -- just my girls (their husbands and the grandkids) and my brother. 
Sir Steve's family on the other hand is much larger -- there are 4 children -- sisters and a brother - father and mother PLUS an almost ex-wife and ex-inlaws.  (and I am sure some I have missed or don't know about - yet)

Forty some odd years ago when I was getting married I was told "remember you are not marrying his family -- or he yours -- you are marrying only each other".  And that is true even now -- we are not technically having a relationship with the families -- the 'extras' BUT it would be nice if we could all be amicable. (at least for funerals and high holidays as my Aunt Olive used to say)

I had one last phone call to make - one last introduction to make -- and that was to my brother and his wife.  For some reason I really stewed about it.  OH I know the reason -- he intimidates me a little bit.  Despite being 10 years younger than me -- since the death of my father he seems to have become the head of our little family -- and has tried from time to time tried to boss me around.  BUT it had to be done ya know.

So the other night I called him -- and we talked.  Both he and his wife said something that stuck with me.  They said "You're all grown up now -- it's your life" and then we made plans to drop by this Easter weekend for a quick coffee so they can meet Sir Steve.  I feel better about this visit now.  AND realized we don't have to be best friends - a Norman Rockwell painting of a happy family -- we just have to be 'us'.

So I am not fussing over my family anymore...... Sir Steve's on the other hand is a completely different matter.

I have met his father and step mom and one sister.  I think it went well -- I am invited back for Easter dinner.  I haven't met his other children -- well not for at least 8 years.  I have a gut feeling his daughter (who visits the ex-wife and inlaws) is not impressed with our relationship -- and might just blame me.... ?? (these are only gut feelings -- nothing concrete)  

The almost ex-wife and her parents have made it pretty damn clear what they think (behind his back -- but people talk you know) They believe he is an adulterer (we won't talk about who made the first move down that road) and I am pretty sure there is no love lost for me. (though I haven't come face to face with them ------ yet) 

This summer will prove a challenge I think.  Sir Steve's trailer is in the same campground as his ex-wife and inlaws.  He surprised me yesterday by telling me he had had his site moved -- so at least we won't be side by side neighbours.  BUT I am waffling on whether I will spend my summer there - despite my love of sitting by the water and reading and relaxing...... despite his coming to the campground every evening..... I am waffling......

Family and extras can make a new relationship tricky to maneuver -- here's hoping everyone can be mature .........

Lovers

Yesterday I posted a note Sir Steve left on my facebook wall for me.  I wanted to give everyone time to read it before I wrote a more detailed piece.... so if you haven't read it yet.. go HERE  and read it for goodness sakes! (grinning) 

When I read it I smiled and got this warm feeling inside.  When he finds something that speaks to him of our love he always shares it with me on Facebook ... a private declaration of his love made public.

There is not one thing on that list that Sir Steve doesn't do...(well except for rub my back when I get home from work - but then he would need really long arms to do that right now)  but my side needs a little work.  I am much more likely not to talk when something bothers me or upsets me.  In the past it has just been easier ya know.  But as Sir Steve is always reminding me - he isn't the men from my past. And gently wraps his arms around me and pulls me in tight and whispers in my ear -- reassuring encouraging words - getting me to slowly open up.

Months ago when we were just talking I typed "god I love you" then stopped and looked at the words on my screen -- and typed 'did I just say that out loud?" My heart stopped -- first it seemed too early for a declaration of love (even if I had wanted to say it 8 years ago) and secondly my past has taught me that the common response to that statement was "yeah me too" or just pretend it hadn't been said.  Sir Steve didn't hesitate for a second and typed back "I love you too".  Now most of our conversations start with "I love you" and end with it too.  "I love you" is said when we see each other and every morning and night we are together (never mind all the spontaneous 'love you's' through the day.

But it's much more than 3 little words -  we show each other our love in so many simple ways -- from my taking care of him while he recuperated from surgery -- to making his meals and coffee when we're together.  He is always asking what I ate during the day and if I remembered to take my meds.  AND now he is pushing me to keep up with my medical appointments -- even IF I resist.

I don't know if he notices (though I would bet he does cause he notices EVERYTHING!) but I smile every time he walks in a room -- or leaves a room.  I watch him intently and my heart beats a little quicker and I think I must have done something right to have such a man in my life.

He handles my anxiety like a pro - and it never seems to be too much -- never seems to throw him or upset him.  He accepts it as part of who I am  and knows it can only get better with time.

I know this all sounds sappy to some of you (most of you?) and I can hear everyone thinking "it's just the honeymoon stage - wait " 

BUT it is all so new to me -- to have a man who is not afraid to declare his love -- to work hard to hold up his end of the relationship -- to love hugs and give them and take them with no hesitation - who is showing me - teaching me - what a healthy relationship looks like, feels like, and sounds like........ and that dear readers is a very good thing!

Love

I have 'loved' many times ......... and each time it was different - didn't feel the same - wasn't the same.

I have been thinking how quickly we jump to use the word "love" -- but I wonder if it isn't just 'lust' -- or an insecurity poking it's head out -- 'I love you (please love me too) because I am insecure'
OR 
I love you because you are new and exciting and you make me feel things that are warm and fuzzy and wonderful.  (which is in my mind lust)

No matter how deeply I have fallen in lust with someone  over this past year - the word "love" has never come to mind.  At first I thought it was because my heart was so broken from the ending of my last long term relationship -- or that I had built a really good strong tall wall around my heart.  


I have talked with friends about my reluctance to say "love" -- or even to feel "love" .... is there /was there something wrong with me???    I don't even know what the word means anymore!

I actually looked up the meaning of "love" -- it means "to have an intense feeling of affection" .  So now I am really confused...... (grinning) affection isn't what I picture in my mind love looks like.  Damn have I been wrong all these years?? I always thought "love" was some extreme emotion - the strongest emotion - the be all and end all of emotions.

I realized maybe I needed another way of looking at "love" - another definition........ 
I went back to my "roots" (seems to be my theme this week) ..... at my brother's wedding I read a verse on 'love' 

"love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs"

Ok so maybe I do "love" -- but by a different definition than I originally held..... 

Love in my humble opinion should not hobble you - it should allow you both space to grow - space to BE.  Maybe it is the poly in me - I don't know - maybe it is just a more mature/experienced way of looking at a relationship - at love.  Maybe for me - it isn't necessary to say the words "I love you" - maybe for me - it is about allowing you to be who and what you are - without trying to change you....... 

OR maybe it's just that I am weird (grinning)

Polyamory

Many - MANY - years ago when W and drakor and I used to have our friday afternoon coffee meets - one of the things the 2 Doms in my life used to debate with me was why it was ok for a Dom to have more than one sub - but not ok for the sub to have more than one Dom.

It used to make my blood boil.  

Their argument was that a Dom would have more needs than one sub was able to fulfill... and my argument back was a sub would/could have more needs than one Dom was able to fulfill.

It was a bit like arguing the theory of "How many angels dance on the head of a pin"

Fast forward to today - to the here and now - to me trying to figure out what will work for me now.

I have dated and played with more than a few people in the last few months/weeks.  It's been fun - I have felt a bit like a kid in a candy store.  (Once I got past the angst of wondering if I was some sort of slut)

And as much as I would love to have one person who can fulfill all my needs (see yesterdays "On Feeling Invisible") I know that's probably not in the cards for me - at least not right now.

Where am I going with this??? 

To be honest I am not quite sure.  I met someone a month or so back who was quite clear that he wanted to be perhaps "poly" (perhaps - I think - because all the terms seemed pretty new to him)  We hit if off and saw each other a few times and had some good fun!!  We have plans to see one another again.

In the meantime was I supposed to sit home and wait for the next encounter??? Part of me really thought so........ the old me - the monogamous me.

BUT it looked too much like what I had come from - me sitting home being the good lil girl waiting for HIM to show up.......... (shaking head) and I knew that wasn't gonna work

And besides I still had others chatting me up and wanting to meet me and wanting to go out with me or wanting to play with me.

I was really conflicted.

Ok not THAT conflicted - I continued to go out and meet people and even play with a few of them...... and in the process have whittled the list of "maybes" down to a couple of good possibilities.

Now here is my dilemma.   What label do I put on these two (possible) relationships?? 

Is it poly?
I don't think so.  In my experience a poly relationship has 1) there is a primary couple 2) honest communication  3) and the primary couple and the "others" seem to know OF one another if not actually know one another.

Is it non-monogamous?
Again I don't think it is........ because again - the one feature that non-monogamy seems to have is a "primary" relationship. BUT the different partners don't seem to HAVE to know  one another.

So what is it I seem to have stumbled on???   
 cause truthfully that is exactly what has happened - I just kind of stumbled on two people who fill 99% of my needs - very different needs.

Does this "thing" I am developing - have to have a name or label?? Maybe not.
BUT I would like some truthfulness.  I do not do lie - and get real pissy if I feel like I am being lied to!  (and not telling is the same as lying in my books)

 Wouldn't life be better if we could be honest and say "I really enjoy the (blank) that we have together - but I am seeing other people who give me (blank) which you do not. "

That would be the honest thing to do wouldn't it?

Maybe there's no label for what I am heading into............ if you know of one please - PLEASE - share with me.  (I do like things neatly organised and named)