Fillng me up again

Everything from a strong hand around my neck -- to bruises on my breasts -- to sweet love making .......... 

BUT the voices were still yelling in my head -- loud noisy confusing 
noise -- 

Then last night when still I felt empty and lost ...... Sir Steve moved to sit beside me on the sofa -- wrapped his big strong arms around me and pulled me close -- head on his chest -- tears slowly running down my cheeks -- silence between us -- just his strength filling me up -- 

Then in bed we whispered in each other's ears -- and I could hear the voices silencing -- could feel the peace returning -- could believe that "we will indeed get through this together"  

And as my eyes closed the last voice disappeared ......

Life is good when you learn you are not alone ... and that together problems will be solved.

Tickling

 

I have never been ticklish -- EVER!  I prided myself on that fact.  Actually I found 'tickling' annoying or painful -- never a pleasant sensation.

Sir Steve tried a few times to tickle me and no reaction -- nothing!  

Then on Saturday night we were in bed playing ...... and I was totally relaxed and enjoying myself..... Sir Steve was biting me -- here there and everywhere -- he hit a spot around the pubic bone and I started to howl with laughter... and wiggle ... and finally was shrieking at him to stop before I wet the bed.  

We laughed about it and he went back to some fun torture mixed with some sensuality and I got cheeky about something....... Sir Steve stood up and I watched him walk to the end of the bed -- I had no idea what he was gonna do but will admit I was intrigued (he is after all a Sadist and play time with him is always an adventure)  I watched as he ripped the covers off the end of the bed and toss them up over my body..... and before I could second guess him -- he had grabbed my ankle with one hand - restraining it tightly -- and with the other he was tickling the bottom of my foot.  

OH MY GOD!!  I was twisting and turning and shrieking with laughter again (god only knows what the campgrounds were thinking! )  I could barely catch my breath and my tummy hurt.

After ..... long after .... we were snuggled together whispering to each other when it hit me..... I have never relaxed or trusted anyone enough to feel tickling -- I always had one lil bit of control that I would not relinquish.  I whispered to Sir Steve my epiphany and immediately filled up with tears...... the level of trust I have with him -- the total surrender of all my walls -- is scary stuff to deal with....... to understand -- to grasp. Sir Steve knows how difficult this whole control thing is for me -- how wounded my heart has been -- and he whispered in my ear that he loved me and he would never hurt me....... and I slipped into a sound sleep feeling safe in his arms.

And that is a very good thing !!  

Moving Heaven and Earth

During the Fairy Tale entries -- I talked about how LLF would say "I promise" and how I would react to the word 'promise'.

When LLF says he's coming to spend the weekend -- I hold my breath -- cause anything could happen - out of his control -- that could cancel our weekend together.

A couple of weeks ago he had just arrived when his lil daughter called and said she wanted to go home.  My heart dropped.  BUT his daughter comes first!  I heard him tell her he couldn't come that night -- but if she still wanted to go home he would come and get her the next morning.  Then he got on the computer and found a favourite aunt who would go and spend the next day with her.  He told her he had made a commitment for Saturday and wanted to keep it.  I couldn't believe what he was doing...... he was trying with every ounce of his being to keep his promise to me!  The aunt went and visited ..... and we got to spend the weekend together.

We have a big weekend planned this weekend.  We have been looking forward to it all week.  On Thursday night he told me the 'mom' had called and said she might not be able to take the daughter as she didn't feel well.  

I sat quietly and took a couple of big breaths....... and realized it wasn't the end of the world -- shit happens -- and there are still many more weekends to come....... 

BUT -- about 10 minutes later he told me he had babysitting covered if 'mom' did back out.  I couldn't believe it.  He had moved heaven and earth to keep his promise.  He will bring the dog (I can't wait to see how Missy handles having a black lab house guest for the weekend) and we will get to do everything we planned!

He is one of the few men I have met who 1) actually makes promises and 2) actually keeps them. 

He is a man with good intentions AND good character.
I am a very lucky lady.

Trust Issues

I've had good reason over the last month or so to do some serious soul searching.

I knew after the break up that I had major trust issues.... which is one of the many reasons I have been going to therapy.

I have met and played with a few people over this last year..... didn't much trust any of them.  I kept them all at arm's length for the most part.... I was always 'on guard' so to speak.  Then I met Hands and my trust levels grew.  

I trusted him with my body -- I knew he wouldn't deliberately hurt me.  I knew I could trust him to put his hands gently around my neck.  I knew I could trust him to push my comfort zones. 

BUT my heart -- well -- no -- just no -- I wouldn't let him go near my heart.

I have been doing a lot of thinking since the weekend about my trust levels -- and my heart.  My heart hurts ya know.  I think it is straining against the walls I have put up to protect it.  

I realize I am fighting with my heart.  It wants to trust again -- it wants to open up and let people in again.  But my head ........ my head is screaming.... "NO NO NO" because I can't be hurt again -- not like I was.  I don't think -- honestly don't believe -- that I will be able to survive another blow to my heart.

How much time does it take -- how much consistency does it take -- for my heart to be free to trust again??