Fillng me up again

Everything from a strong hand around my neck -- to bruises on my breasts -- to sweet love making .......... 

BUT the voices were still yelling in my head -- loud noisy confusing 
noise -- 

Then last night when still I felt empty and lost ...... Sir Steve moved to sit beside me on the sofa -- wrapped his big strong arms around me and pulled me close -- head on his chest -- tears slowly running down my cheeks -- silence between us -- just his strength filling me up -- 

Then in bed we whispered in each other's ears -- and I could hear the voices silencing -- could feel the peace returning -- could believe that "we will indeed get through this together"  

And as my eyes closed the last voice disappeared ......

Life is good when you learn you are not alone ... and that together problems will be solved.

Choices

When LLF and I pushed the reset button -- there were so many things I realized I didn't know about him -- intimate details in a way -- things a good friend wouldn't necessarily know.

I plagued him with questions when we chatted....... 

"I guess you prefer dresses right?"
"I am sure you prefer long hair to short hair right?"
"which side of the bed?"

oh the list was endless.......... and the answers very frustrating.... he kept saying 'whatever you prefer'.  What did that mean?? I was so confused.

I would tell him and his answer was always "What's my name?" sometimes I would grind my teeth -- I needed direction ya know? -- I needed to please him - but how could I please him if he wouldn't tell me what pleased him???!!

His reply was simple -- 'if it pleases you -- then it pleases me'

He is unlike any man I have ever met -- Dom or vanilla.  And the thing is -- he means it!   He just wants me to be happy.

Yesterday I had a hairdresser appointment.  For the last 8 months I have been growing my hair out.  AND I hated it .... I hated how it looked .. I hated how I thought it made ME look.

I wanted to cut it -- had made up my mind to have it cut short and perky ...... I even told the hairdresser that.... 

I was sitting in the chair waiting for her to come and start cutting -- and I got cold feet.  ok ok -- I panicked a little bit.  I wanted to text LLF and ask if he minded if I cut it.  I didn't cause he was working and I knew he wouldn't answer me quick enough.  (and truthfully I knew what his answer would be)

The hairdresser picked up the scissors and started cutting.. I shut my eyes.  I kept thinking 'god what am I doing??!!' 

When she had finished and I put my glasses back on -- I really liked the face that was looking back at me...... but I wondered if LLF would like it...... what if he hated it?? what if he really preferred long hair??? 

When I got home I took a selfie and posted it on Facebook just as LLF came on to chat.  I held my breath........ 

and then there it was -- his opinion
"beautiful" 
and then 
"it looks amazing!"

and I started breathing again and my heart stopped pounding.

For so many years I have lived my life trying so hard to please someone else.... and mostly failing.  It's a strange feeling to be making choices based on what I want -- what pleases me.... without LLF I would probably have never learned that I am more than capable of making the right choices for me....... 

He's an amazing teacher ya know!  

 

 

Dirty Little Secret

(and for the record -- I can hear LLF saying "why DIRTY??" )

 

LLF has been working very hard on my definition of things (especially sexually related things) He has been working on my "I have to be a 'good girl' statements".
He wants me to step beyond my comfort levels because it will be good for me -- cause it is another step in my growing process - another step in being the most authentic me I can be.

I have had this fantasy for a long time - a very long time.
And for a very long time I didn't even whisper it in anyone's ear.  I was ashamed of it.  Ashamed of how it made me feel (hot and horny) and Ashamed of what people would think of me.

I told LLF about it -- I didn't whisper it - I actually told him.  And he didn't run screaming into the night -- he didn't shake his head at me -- in fact what he said was "that's cool - we can do that".  Just like that!  Just like I had said "I want a hot dog for dinner" ......... 


The other night we were talking about this fantasy -- and I admitted it was making me very horny to think about it.  I said "you know I want it to happen soon right??" and he answered - matter of factly again "Yes I know".  

And then picture taking got brought up. 
(whispering) ok ok I brought it up -- I asked if he would take a picture.  His answer -- matter of factly again -- "sure".  And then he added "you can post it" 

See me skid to a halt!
POST IT?  my dirty little secret??!!!

I asked why he would want me to post it.  Another matter of fact answer "because then I can look at it whenever I want".  

I relaxed and smiled.  Ok then -- a picture will be taken and posted............... 
WHOA skid to a halt again!

BUT if I post it everyone will see it (everyone as in every single human being in the whole wide world!)  What will they think ??!!!  Oh I know what they'll think -- they'll think I'm a slut !!  

LLF wants to know why it should bother me what other people think.
LLF wants to know what's wrong with posting a picture of my ass.

And I can't answer either of those questions..... cause truthfully it shouldn't bother me what other people think -- especially on a BDSM blog -- or Fetlife for that matter.
AND a picture of my ass on my blog or Fetlife is really not that big a deal ....... right?? RIGHT??!!

Once a long long time ago -- I stood at the end of a diving board looking down into the water -- terrified.  Once a long long time ago I stepped off that diving board and lived to talk about it.  Posting a picture is like taking that step.............only difference now is -- I have someone to hold my hand tight when I eventually take that big step........ someone who believes in me and wants only the best for me!