Determined

(though some call it 'stubborn' )

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday to review my withdrawal from these drugs I have been on for 16+ years........ (the one with the horrific withdrawal symptoms).  I described the headaches, the nausea, the aching body, the anxiety.  He suggested I might want to slow down the process....... to which I answered "no bloody way!!  I want this drug out of my body!"  The doctor turned and smiled at me "You're quite determined aren't you?"

Over the time I was with him... he repeated more than once how determined I was and how pleased he was that I was that determined.  He made me promise to call him if the withdrawal symptoms got a bit more than I could handle.... (and he gave me another appointment in 8 weeks )

I brought up how Sir Steve asked me to marry him... the doctor was sincerely happy for me.......... but I explained I was insecure about it... that I am SO much older than he is... and I worry that I'm not good enough/too old for him........ the doctor looked me straight in the eye and told me that I was wrong and that I was not old in spirit ... that my attitude was not old... that I was a 'good catch' (so to speak)  I said 'ok then -- let's keep this old body working for a long long time!!'  and the doctor laughed and said "I like your attitude!!  We'll do that - together!"

I left his office feeling supported .... and heard .......... and with a spring in my step.  I CAN do this drug withdrawal!  I can get my body healthier.  I can live a long happy healthy life with my Sir Steve.  

Life is good when you're determined

 

Stop -- Just Stop !

It all kinda came to a head on Wednesday -- the whole bit about the ex -- about my feeling like a cheap nanny..... and Sir Steve stepped in immediately - lined up a babysitter for in town -- so IF I need some time to myself I can have it without guilt -- and there's a woman at the campgrounds who has said if she's there she'll take her for a few hours to give me a break too..... 

BUT it was much more than all that ya know.... 

My need - my desire -- to be perfect - to have everything under control -- to be able to leap tall buildings -- to be able to do everything absolutely everything with no effort (or seeming effort) and I wasn't..... and I was crumbling.. 

And there is one other HUGE thing........ something I don't talk about -- there is a whacking big age difference between Sir Steve and myself -- like 17 years difference. And I have such a fear that one day Sir Steve is gonna look at me and ask himself what he was doing with such an old woman.  BUT if I could do everything -- how could he ever get rid of me.  Why would he ever look for someone younger / sexier / prettier ..... better than me?  IF I was perfect that is.

 BUT I realized that no matter how hard I work to be perfect 
No matter how hard I try to please Sir Steve
No matter how hard I try to please the lil one

He could still one day decide he wanted someone younger, prettier, sexier and there is really nothing I can do about that (experience is the best teacher ya know) 

AND maybe -- just maybe -- if I am just me and stop obsessing over being this super woman -- this perfect woman -- IF I just relax and be me -- then things might be calmer and happier and definitely a whole lot less stressful.

I have to STOP trying so hard..... just stop it!  and let the cards fall where they may right?