Jumbled and tangled

 

I saw the therapist yesterday - again - and probably will for a while.  My emotions and thoughts were pretty jumbled and when I opened my mouth they just all poured out.... didn't make much sense to me actually.

How I still have another biopsy to hear from and god what do I do if that's cancer too - and how I had to phone the family and tell them I had cancer and how I had nothing in me to help them - and how I felt guilty - and how I expected them all to blame me - and they didn't and I couldn't understand why they didn't blame me - and how I intended to stop smoking NOW and I hadn't though I was down to 5 cigarettes a day (versus a pack in Sept) and how I didn't understand why all these people I hardly know - and some I don't know at all - are reaching out to me - offering support and hugs

And when the jumbled tangled emotions finally stopped spilling out of me and when the tears finally stopped streaming down my face she started to talk quietly and soothingly to me.......... 

WHY would I feel like it was all my fault???? where did that come from??? Had I wanted to have cancer??? and that cancer wasn't a death sentence - and how kidney failure and dialysis is palliative care - had I thought about that?? and why should I be surprised by folks reaching out to me - didn't I think I deserved people's help/support??  And she pointed out I DID have cancer and I needed to give myself time to deal with that - to cry over it - to yell at it -  to expect I would have bad days - but the bad days would get fewer - and I would indeed be strong again - one day soon.

And so when the hour was over I had much to process - the jumbled tangled mess was sorted out better - allowing me to look at what is inside my head -