It all kinda came to a head on Wednesday -- the whole bit about the ex -- about my feeling like a cheap nanny..... and Sir Steve stepped in immediately - lined up a babysitter for in town -- so IF I need some time to myself I can have it without guilt -- and there's a woman at the campgrounds who has said if she's there she'll take her for a few hours to give me a break too.....
BUT it was much more than all that ya know....
My need - my desire -- to be perfect - to have everything under control -- to be able to leap tall buildings -- to be able to do everything absolutely everything with no effort (or seeming effort) and I wasn't..... and I was crumbling..
And there is one other HUGE thing........ something I don't talk about -- there is a whacking big age difference between Sir Steve and myself -- like 17 years difference. And I have such a fear that one day Sir Steve is gonna look at me and ask himself what he was doing with such an old woman. BUT if I could do everything -- how could he ever get rid of me. Why would he ever look for someone younger / sexier / prettier ..... better than me? IF I was perfect that is.
BUT I realized that no matter how hard I work to be perfect
No matter how hard I try to please Sir Steve
No matter how hard I try to please the lil one
He could still one day decide he wanted someone younger, prettier, sexier and there is really nothing I can do about that (experience is the best teacher ya know)
AND maybe -- just maybe -- if I am just me and stop obsessing over being this super woman -- this perfect woman -- IF I just relax and be me -- then things might be calmer and happier and definitely a whole lot less stressful.
I have to STOP trying so hard..... just stop it! and let the cards fall where they may right?
Breather...and remember he chose YOU! Enjoy each day....hugs abby
ReplyDeleteI think no matter what age, there is that fear - that out there, there is someone "better" than you in whatever category - intelligence, kinkiness, age, looks... I sometimes feel like women are predisposed to self esteem issues like this.
ReplyDeleteBut like the other commenter said, he chose you. He loves you. So take that and enjoy that love for what it is right now!
I have choosen YOU! There is no other and will not be. I love you with all my heart.
ReplyDeleteI do not go out looking to replace you EVER.
as for the age thing, well, get over it as it doesn't bother me. You and I are such a great couple and when I am not there with you, I miss you like crazy.
As for our sex life, yes it is getting better and better. things are great now, just imagine what things can and will be like in say 6 months and beyond.
I love you so very much. Always remember that.