5 Steps.........

So - over the last 3 - 4 weeks my health has gone down hill.  There were a number of things that scared me - like my limbs being cold all the time - not chilly - but freezing cold.  Thick wool socks on my feet with warm snuggly slippers - and they were still ice blocks.  My hands so cold I could hardly type.  

I wasn't hungry - ever!  I chart my food intake and noticed it had dropped from 1200 calories a day down to 800 - 900 a day.  My body had no energy and my legs would tremble from walking to the laundry room.

Exhaustion - god the exhaustion !!  I would sleep 7 hours a night and still need a nap in the afternoon......... and I mean NEED - my eyes would get so heavy I couldn't stay awake....

Nothing major per say - but worrisome.

So yesterday i went to the doctor's with a list of ailments.   They checked everything - especially the pulse and blood pressure into my legs.  It was fine btw.

The young resident was all smiles and sunshine and rainbows.... her suggestion "eat more - your body needs energy to function".  My doctor talked about the break up - which brought tears to my eyes immediately.  I blurted out I was angry - but why was I NOW angry - life was settled for me - supposed to be good for me ............ why was I angry NOW???

He quietly and calmly pointed out that all summer had been one stressful day after another - my trying to "fix things" find a solution -- then when the solution was found and it involved moving -- then my life became frantically busy finding an apartment -- finding movers - organizing the move - and getting it all done in less than 2 weeks.  

Then there was the "busy--ness" of settling in - organising - adjusting ....... learning a new way to live (have I mentioned I have never lived in an apartment??)  

And then ......................... 

Nothing.

My mind quieted down - my body stopped running from one thing to the next.  Quiet.

And that's when it was time for me to deal with this break up.  

And the deep tearing pain

And the disappointment

And the fear

And the anger.

I have come to the conclusion there are no 5 simple steps through grief - they criss cross and mingle and when you think you are done with one - days later you find yourself back there..... how bloody frustrating!!!

I told the doctor I don't want to talk to my friends/support group about it anymore - I think ( I fear) I have talked them all to death and they are bored now of my struggles.  When I tell my girls something their reaction is all emotional - mom hurts let's fix it ....... 

And so I find myself talking to myself in the early hours of the morning - or late in the evening - talking and crying and feeling very alone and lost and not much good for anything.

Yesterday with the doctor I was back at angry - and I AM angry about a whole lot of things........... so angry I want to do harm - I want to throw things and yell and do worse. 

I like my doctor - he is calm and rationale,  (thank god cause I need calm and rationale) He is sending me for blood tests to make sure there is no physical cause for my symptoms........ and he is going to find me a 3rd party to rant with / at.  Someone who has no stake in what I say.  Someone who won't be influenced one way or another by what I say.  Someone I can bare my heart to .. lay all the pieces out on the table - examine the broken bits - and help me piece them back together.  

Someone who will help me see I am much more than what I have come to believe I am - someone worthy of love - someone who isn't useless - someone who will one day be strong and independent again............ and not afraid of the things that go bump in the dark.

I don't expect it will happen over night....... I don't expect it will be easy.  

BUT

I do expect to find my way back!