Inside the darkness

I have been thinking a lot about this blog entry - I have tried to discuss this topic in the past - not discuss per say - just get my thoughts out there so maybe they would make some sense to me......

Cause trust me when I say - I don't get this masochism any more than the next person.  I don't think it is is something to strive for.... Truthfully if I had my choice I wouldn't be a masochist........ it's just too much hard work - for me and the person playing with me.

Let me just review what has brought me here to this point...........

New Year's Eve after a 45 minute (or so) session by 3 Doms...........

24 hours later

and 10 days later I still have pale yellow bruising....  

Those bruises you can see.  BUT the bruising inside - in my mind - you can't see...... and I think those bruises are the worst!

Let's look at how this works......... this playing with the masochist that is ME.

Step one is to get me past the pain...... and in my addled brain it is like pushing a big rock up a steep hill.......... cause the spanks, the whips, the floggers - they hurt at the beginning....... the soft gentle starts... the sensual touching and flogging feel amazing but it has to build - HAS TO - to feed the beast that is the masochist in me.

Once I am there............ teetering on the edge.............

There is no pain - just pure stimulus.  Enough stimulus and I can and do spontaneously orgasm.......... NOT earth shattering mind numbing body trembling orgasms - but still I orgasm.  AND then you know you have me where you want me... where I want me. 

The pure blinding pain grips my brain.... dragging the beast inside me out to play.  It is so primal that when I think about it after - it scares me.  The beast will (literally) wiggle my ass at the Doms - will taunt them for more and more.  The beast takes control of my body and mind.  

And the rock teeters on the edge...... 

And the pain consumes me......

And then it ends.  Someone pushes that rock over the edge and sends it screaming down............I go from intense pain to nothing.  

P L U N K

hit rock bottom and spin there...........

and spin

and spin

Sometimes for days.

My brain is trying to process the pain that is still happening...... both in my mind and in my body.  

Gone are the soft sensual touches from the beginning........ gone ......... nothing left but intense dark pain.



I have been wondering if - instead of pushing me over the edge by an abrupt end ....... if perhaps there was more of the sensual pain again.. the soft gentle teasing ...... if perhaps there were whispers in my ear - centering my brain - making me focus in the NOW..... if afterwards - some time later - when I can tolerate - when I need - I wonder if I was wrapped up in loving gentle arms........... I wonder if my body was given a massive earth shattering - body trembling orgasm - to release the pent up emotions - pent up confusion........ if I was made to feel loveable again.......... if it would help with the endorphin withdrawal..... with the residue anger the beast has left........... 


Because I do NOT feel loveable after.......... and that makes me cry.  And I vow never again..... EVER.

Until the need comes ........ and the body is screaming for it............ and once more the rock is pushed up the hill ..............