No More Rose Coloured Glasses

I have been off the evil drugs for 2 full months now....... and had a follow up appointment with my doctor on Monday.  Truthfully I was dreading it...... I had such anxiety about it -- and the worst part was - I don't know WHY I had anxiety.  (have been having a lot of that recently - anxiety for no good reason)

Have I told you all how much I love this doctor??!!  I really have lucked out with finding excellent doctors since I moved to Ontario!  

He asked me how I was doing and I said "the best way to explain how I am feeling is -- it feels like I have taken off my rose coloured glasses....... and I don't much like it".  And I told him how I am not sleeping well........ hell I am averaging about 3-4 hours of sleep a night........ I am an 8 hour a night girl and without that I feel like crap.

He sat and listened and really made me feel like he was hearing me.  He explained that even though I have been drug free for 2 months -- the adjusting is far from over.  I was surprised and asked 'how long for the adjustment period?' He smiled and said that everyone is different so there was no firm answer -- and considering how long I was on the drug it would take my body a whole lot longer to adjust......... I have to be patient -- and gentle with myself.  He said he could offer me something for sleep -- but as the 3 drugs he is willing to try can cause some dependency issues I said NO -- I am done with dependency issues/addiction issues. He suggested I might want to try melatonin and I am considering it.......... BUT I have hope renewed cause I am not finished adjusting ....... who knows the lack of sleep might just sort itself out.

The doctor also told me he saw a marked improvement....... I was surprised!  He explained my body seemed more relaxed -- I wasn't fidgeting as much -- and I appeared calmer......... WOW colour me shocked it sure didn't feel like things had improved!

He then recommended a program offered here in Ontario that is for folks dealing with anxiety / stress brought on by drug withdrawals and or life.  Believe it or not it is an online program....... I go fill in questionnaires and they set up work sheets/reading material for me....... I do it -- they evaluate and send both myself and my doctor the results.  It's kind of a 'heal yourself therapy' AND as I have had therapy more than a few times in my life -- and the one that worked the best was my healing myself -- I am seriously considering doing this program....... who knows? it can't hurt and it might just help.

In the meantime the doctor is fully supporting my meditating and colouring and doing some yoga........ He will see me again in 2 months but told me not to be the 'hero' if I need to see him before then - just call!

Life is good when there's hope and light at the end of the dark tunnel.....  

Sorting Things out

It officially has been 6 weeks since I took my last dose of the meds I have been withdrawing from ..... the doc warned me this last withdrawal could be my worst and the longest.... he told me to hang on and he would see me at the end of 8 weeks.

This past week or so I have suddenly been aware of my thought processes or my emotions.... it's pretty difficult to explain........ just suddenly I would 'see' something clearly ......... For 20+ years I had had a drug that masked any number of my emotions... and then as fast as that clear thought would appear it would disappear -- it is driving me crazy !!!

This week I took a stand against the lil one's grandparents blatantly disregard for the rules around here -- I didn't think 'what will happen if they get mad at me' - I couldn't care less..... I took pictures of their infraction and sent them to the owners of the campsite (we live way in the back in the old section and the owners don't wander around here much) 10 minutes later the owner showed up and dealt with the infraction in no uncertain terms. I didn't gloat or anything like that -- I just felt better cause you don't - DO NOT - break rules.

Since then I have been doing some thinking -- where the hell did that come from??  That's when I realized I have been reacting to a number of things differently -- like I am seeing things without a fog in front of my eyes........... it's just plain weird.  

The doctor had asked me - before I went on this drug - how did I react to situations - who remembered?? It was over 20  years ago.  This weekend I remembered I stopped reading newspapers and watching the evening news more than 30 years ago because it upset me.......... 

Now I am thinking I need to find a better way of dealing with the world around me - the world that doesn't necessarily play by the rules (the rules I understand) 
One step I have taken is I am starting to meditate again -- every morning.  I am going to start doing my yoga again......... I am going to find a new way of interacting with this world............ 

Life is good when you slowly start to find  your own way..........

THE discussion

Well -- we kinda sort of had a discussion last evening..... 

Sir Steve and I were talking about something (at the moment I have no idea what it was) and I said 'you haven't read my blog have you?' (just a little passive/aggressive) 
He said 'not yet' ....... to which I said 'well you probably should and I should probably run and hide'.  (just a wee bit more passive/aggressive) 

Turns out Sir Steve was putting up with my crankiness cause he figured it was mostly caused by my withdrawals ..... AND he wanted to support me ...... I filled up with tears and explained that his trying to protect me etc had actually just made things worse.. I needed to be reminded that I was still responsible for my behaviour -- for my mouth! AND not being reminded just kinda / sort of made me feel more fragile.

Later on I kinda threw out there that I needed a spanking to help my equilibrium and he said over his shoulder that he had read that bit........ 

So now the ball is in his court -- he will spank me if when he feels like it.. which is a good thing... and I will be more aware of my emotions and especially my mouth... 

We established I am not as fragile as he thought (you were right about that one Roz - grinning)  

Soooooooooo we sort of / kinda had THE discussion - here's to life returning to quasi normal......... 

Biggest Fear

There's little or nor logic going on in my brain right now... I just know I want to be strong for Sir Steve ... I don't want to be so damn needy.... he needs me to be strong... I want to be strong... but all I want to do is cry - curl up in a ball and cry.  

I am limping through my days (emotionally limping) ..... and when he comes home I smile and pretend I'm ok.. maybe if I pretend hard enough it will be true?? maybe if I work hard enough at it it will happen???

I am so scared Sir Steve's gonna get fed up with me -- tired of this crap -- have second thoughts ya know?  

So very scared I am gonna fail him............

So..........

I had a mini meltdown yesterday.... had visions of my foot swelling up and falling off (so to speak) so I called my doctor.

God bless that man...... his nurse said come right away and we'll fit you in... I called Sir Steve in tears and told him he would have to come home for the lil one's bus cause I had to go to the doctor. 

When I got to the doctor's (about an hours drive) I didn't have to wait too long and the doctor came in to the examining room almost immediately .... I could barely talk to him for crying..... he looked at the ankle .. and said "maybe cellulitis .. maybe not"  He gave me 2 prescriptions for allergy meds and one for an antibiotic that I was only to fill if it got worse and I ran a fever.

Then he pushed his chair back and talked to me about the withdrawals.  He told me more than once how proud he was of me... how this withdrawal is actually harder than withdrawing from narcotics.... he told me to hang in .. he said all the right words.. including telling me that he was gonna keep checking up on me.... and that though this time might be longer and more difficult it would get better.

It was amazing how much better my ankle felt on the drive home..... and today the swelling is down and the blisters aren't oozing as badly.  And though my muscles still ache -- and the nausea comes and goes my head is clearer ........ 

So.......... life is improving and that is a good thing!

Hanging on......

I'm on day 8 of withdrawals -- I'd love to say it's getting better -- but it's not.  

And as if I didn't have enough to deal with -- the powers that be decided to hit me with more........... 

We were at the campsite this weekend and I got bitten by a black fly.  Well I am guessing it was a black fly....... I went through this 2 years ago so I am making an educated guess.

Saturday my right ankle was burning and itching....... by Saturday night it was all swollen and painful to walk on...... by bedtime Saturday night the ankle was blistered and swollen -- and redness spread half way up my calf........

Sunday I spent most of the day sitting with the foot elevated -- putting ice on it.. taking Benadryl and smearing Benadryl cream on the ankle and hanging on by my finger tips I was so close to caving.......... it just seemed more than I could handle ya know?

This morning the swelling is way down...... the blisters are oozing (so sexy!) .... and the redness is localized.  So - on the mend.

No Good

Today was a ' terrible no good very bad day' 

AND as Alexander's mom said 'some days are like that - even in Australia'.

 

Missing Link.....

OR -- missing kink... 

One of the really weird things about this withdrawal process is my need for kink... my need to feel grounded in something other than the withdrawals.... 

I can't really explain it -- except to say -- AGAIN -- that when Sir Steve and I indulge in kinky play - and kinky sex - I feel bonded to him.. .closer than close to him.  I feel grounded and solid....... 

AND I get - totally get -- that life has once again intruded on 'our' time together... between my withdrawals and his work and the lil one - it's hard to get into the mind set of kink.  I don't feel like kink -- honestly I don't.  But then when I sit and think about how I am feeling and what is wrong and what would fix it I have to admit a little kink would do wonders.  It would require me to really go into submissive mode to accept kinky play..... but once I was there ... I know the endorphins would lift me high...... at least for a little bit.

There was one time - a while back - he had been beating my ass and then surprised me by climbing up on the bed -- pushing my legs roughly apart and f**king me hard and long.

And that dear friends is the stuff my daydreams are made of (small smile)
 

I think I can I think I can...

9 months ago I started withdrawing the drugs from my system.  Originally the doctor said it would probably take a year.  I started at 2mg and am at .25mg this month.  On the last weekend in May I will no longer be taking any pills.  By the end of June I hope to be finished with the withdrawals.  All done in 10 months!

It has never been a question in my mind if I would do this.. if I would be able to do this... I just knew it had to be done.

This time it's tough... I think maybe the toughest -- but it probably just feels that way.  My mind is a muddle (like I couldn't remember the months from Sept to May -- and am having trouble with my spelling) .. I am suffering with charlie horses and cramps in my feet.... and nausea.  

The other night Sir Steve said he was proud of me.  It's not the first time he's said that to me over these last 9 months.... I usually feel a little confused when he tells me that... I don't honestly feel like I am doing anything terribly remarkable. 

BUT he's proud of me ...... and in the worst moments of these withdrawals I pull those words out and hold them close....... 

He's proud of me!

Fill In

not a particularly good day here today....... cut back the drugs again yesterday..... one more month and I should be done.............

Rest, Ice, Elevate

The freezing rain never materialized yesterday -- just straight rain -- so I had an uneventful drive to the doctor's.  

He seemed surprised at the pill dosage I am down to ....... apparently he has been talking to some doctors about me -- and they thought he might have pushed the withdrawal a little quick....... when you think about it..... I have been on these pills almost longer than he's been alive !! (he's terribly young) I do have a plan to be completely off them -- done with the withdrawals -- by the time we move to the campsite for the summer - so 2 more months.  I did voice a nagging thought I've had........ I wonder what it will be like / what it will feel like to have no pills to take at bedtime.  The doc told me he is going to give me a "pill in my pocket" (I love that expression!!) for emergencies.  He said he is very comfortable doing that as I have been so determined to come off these pills he isn't worried I'll start up again.  He added it's a bit of psychological thing -- IF I have a pill in a pocket I won't be stressing / worrying about what 'ifs'.  Just knowing I will have a safety net ended my anxiety over stopping the pills completely. 

Then I told him about my knee.  He immediately turned to take a look at it.. and when he hit the sensitive spot he got all apologetic (made me smile... he's one of the few doctors I have seen in my life who apologize  for hurting you)  He said he's pretty sure it's a muscle/tendon thing...... told me to stop taking Sir Steve's naproxin because it doesn't interact well with my blood pressure meds - just take a tyelnol when I need it and rub Voltaren on it...... he's a BIG believer in this Voltaren.  Back in the 'old days' we used to use Ben Gay the only smelly liniment available.  I like Voltaren as it doesn't really smell....... When I asked how long I would be hobbling about -- he grinned at me and said....... 'well you should be resting it, icing it and elevating it.....knowing you that's not going to happen' ..... he's right I don't have time for that... I will rest it as much as I can during the day.... and it'll heal later than sooner I guess.

Best news -- he doesn't want to see me for 4 months......... BUT added I knew how to reach him if I had any problems...... 

Life is good when the withdrawals are almost over.......

And life goes on.......

About a year ago -- my youngest daughter announced that she and her hubbie were going to take the boys and go on a cruise this year.  It was the first real family holiday they had ever had.  I was happy for them.  (ok I wondered how they could afford it -- but that's just the mother worrying)

Then at a family function in November the other grandmother announced she couldn't wait for the cruise......... that she was going......... and that my daughter and hubbie had paid for her...... (though she did say something about paying them back a little bit at a time)

I was gob smacked.  I thought "family" holiday meant mom, dad, and the boys.  Apparently I was wrong.  and it hurt.  A lot.  The thought screamed at me "guess you're not family"

I did try to approach the subject (ok ok my method was pretty passive aggressive ) and daughter said " so come too".  Sorry there's no way I could wrap my head around finding the money for a flight/cruise and assorted expenses in under a month.  AND if I was really wanted ........ why wasn't I 'invited' a year ago?!

I thought I had handled the whole situation -- put it behind me.  Until Sunday when they left......... and posted a "family" pic at the airport....... Mom Dad 3 boys AND the other grandmother. It hurt me -- deeply.   

This week my voices have been nattering at me......... mostly stuff like I drove her away... wasn't attentive enough .... didn't do enough for her.... looking back - far back -- tough mother I was... probably not a particularly good mother.  That's why she has settled on the inlaw family as her family......... I deserve it......... (that sort of thing)  But I only have to look at my eldest daughter to know I did something right in my mothering.... something right for one of them.  

It's not a good week for me to try and be rational about this...... after 2 months I have cut back those nasty drugs again...... and my body and mind are reeling....... 

Sometimes life can be hurtful........ and that's not a good thing.



 

On Being an Adult......

Yesterday was tough.  I didn't cancel the doctor's appointment cause I felt really guilty about cancelling the one on Monday -- and I really wanted to touch base with him -- and because I am an ADULT ya know and am supposed to be able to do adult things ...... right?

I didn't sleep Tuesday night worrying about getting to the doctor's....worrying about the weather.  I spent the morning checking the satellite weather  trying to judge when the storm would arrive.  I read all the doomsday posts on Facebook from friends who live west of me talking about how bad it was.

I left really early for the appointment -- cause in my warped thinking -- at least I would get there in decent weather.......... 

I had to drive home in the worst freezing rain I have ever seen........ AND all I could think was 'I just want someone to take care of me -- to drive me when I am too stressed to drive .... to take all the adult responsibilities from me and handle them -- I do NOT want to be the adult anymore!!!' 

Irrational I know -- but don't you ever have times in your life where you just don't want to be an adult -- where you want someone to take care of  you - to just bury your head in the sand and not have to worry about anything anymore??!!!

On the bright side the doctor tells me all this emotional shit is a big part of the withdrawals --  I am not losing my mind -- what little of it that is left.  I am not to reduce the dosage again till March - and he's hoping the spring weather might make it a little easier.  He also suggested I be a little more gentle with myself... and when I feel upside down and inside out -- to take care of myself.......

So last night when I felt Sir Steve wasn't listening -- or didn't want to touch me -- I took a deep breath and muttered 'just f**king withdrawals' ..... when the lil one got cheeky with me and said "your welcome!!!" after she set the table for dinner -- I didn't explode ... or implode.... or burst into tears -- I took a deep breath and muttered 'just f**king withdrawals' and let her father handle it -- and he did !!!

Depending on which google search you get -- we have either 22 days till spring or 41 days till spring............ until then -- you can find me curled up in the corner of the sofa pretending no one can see me......... 

 

Exhausted

It was a busy exhausting weekend....... 

We had a delightful birthday celebration for my son in law.... all the family together feasting and laughing and talking.  There was a new addition to the family -- Chaos -- cute as a button and not the least bit daunted by the bigger dogs ..........

Sunday Sir Steve and I did some window shopping  ........ and had lunch out at a new restaurant....  beef kabobs and very fresh naan........ totally yummy!

The one thing missing from the weekend was play time and sex.  It makes me angry .... and guilty...... this no sex drive... these headaches and muscle aches that steal our adult times ..........  4 more months ..... maybe 5 ...... such a long time before I get my mind and body back.......... 

I did manage to get to the gym yesterday..... YAY me!!  and am heading off again this morning ..  I keep hoping that exercise will help .......... it isn't ....... but hope reigns eternal.

Guilt

I have to say right here at the beginning that I KNOW these feelings are mostly the withdrawals -- mostly the chemical imbalance in my brain and  body right now....

I feel so guilty -- I feel like I am not holding up my end of this relationship -- 
I barely got the laundry done this week -- I have struggled with making meals (thank god Sir Steve ordered in pizza one night!) -- I haven't swept or dusted or vacuumed (though I did get the bathroom cleaned)  I have only managed to get to the gym 2 days -- and my food cravings!!!  it's like being pregnant -- or pmsing.... I want salt and chocolate -- and trust me neither of those things are on my healthy eating program

Climb on my merry go round --- 

'if I went to the gym I would lose weight and my body would be more desirable -- If I didn't eat the junk then maybe I could miss a day or two at the gym -- If I don't go to the gym I should at least be cleaning cause it burns calories instead of sitting on the sofa'   

then it's 

'I have to be kind to myself -- I am going through hell with these withdrawals -- Sir Steve is always telling me he's proud of me for pushing through this -- Sir Steve has no expectations of me - other than doing what I can'   BUT I should push through this -- why can't I push this??? what am I good for if I can't even clean a house or make a meal???   

I think the emotional side effects are worse than the physical.........

 

BAD DAY

Today is a terrible horrible no good very bad day.

I think I did too much yesterday -- at the gym -- then I did groceries -- and ran messages.  My body hurt bad in the afternoon.  My mind hurt.  

Today I decided not to go to the gym...... take it slow was my thought.  By the time I put the lil one on the bus I was in tears.  Everything hurt -- not just my muscles but my whole body.  DAMN these withdrawals !! 

I want to clean the house -- I want to iron the clothes.  I want to curl up on the sofa and not move.

AND 
then I came to write this blog and discovered I had comments waiting to be moderated......... I have had the damn porn scammers leaving comments again.... and I put moderation back on...... and forgot !!  how could I forget???   Did I say I HATE these withdrawals??

It's a terrible horrible no good very bad day

Roller Coaster

I have survived (physically) the 4th month of withdrawal symptoms.  Only this time my emotions don't seem to be evening out.....it kind of feels like a roller coaster ride.

In one day I can go from feeling euphorically happy to down - low as a snake's belly.  Oh and the fun bit -- I cry over every thing...... and I do mean everything.  

Christmas can make me emotional at the best of times ...........but this year sappy commercials make me cry -- sappy love stories make me cry -- hells bells even baby videos on FB make me cry.  All these emotions are exhausting ya know?!   

All I can do is hope these emotions settle down soon.......... and in the mean time paste a smile on my face and repeat "everything's fine everything's fine"......

Worst of Times - the Best of Times

This weekend really was the worst of times....... 

Saturday Sir Steve and I had plans - shopping then lunch out and a movie........ BUT when I woke up Saturday morning I felt sooooooo bloody sick.  I had a headache and my muscles hurt so badly .. I was nauseated .... and couldn't face the thought of budging off the sofa.  I cried.  I felt I was letting him down.... and I was scared.. what the hell was wrong with me??!!

I was hot ... I was cold.  If I moved my muscles trembled.  If I got up to walk I was dizzy and thought I was gonna throw up.  

I sipped juice and slept 

By Saturday night I was worse... if that's possible.  I was throwing up........ well retching and feeling like I was gonna tear my innards out.   

I was so scared........ what was wrong with me?  This wasn't like any gastro bug I have ever had........ 

My sleep Saturday night was like a giant nightmare... I remember being feverish then cold..... tossing and turning because my body hurt so badly.... 

Sunday morning I woke feeling like I had been pulled through a wringer.  I still had the nausea and achy muscles but not nearly as bad on Saturday.  It was another quiet day on the sofa.  Sir Steve and I watched football games......... and he fetched juice for me when I wanted/needed it.  By dinner time I was feeling improved.... Sir Steve suggested an ordered in dinner.  My brain went YES PLEASE!!!  but after I ate my stomach said "WTF were you thinking??" but I managed to keep it down.

When we went to bed he wrapped his arms around me like always and grabbed a breast (his security blanket - grinning) and I drifted off to sleep thankful I have a man who refuses to leave my side even when I am sick..... who doesn't leave me alone with the scary thoughts that rise up in the 
dark ....

This morning my symptoms have leveled off...... still have the nausea and achy muscles but my brain is clear.  I am sane enough to know I am not dying.... and 99% sure these are just more of the withdrawal symptoms  -- JUST!  

Life is good when your man doesn't leave you alone when you are down for the count!  

Withdrawal Journal

Sixteen plus years ago I was going through menopause.... I absolutely refused to take hormone replacement therapy.  I only wanted to treat the symptoms individually -- as I needed it.

The only symptom I couldn't handle without meds was lack of sleep.  I was averaging 4 hours a night of broken sleep.... which does not make for a happy lady.  I also seemed to be suffering from more anxiety/panic attacks....... One pill could fix those problems.  I was desperate .... and the doctor was prescribing it so how bad could it be?

Turns out very bad.

As my new doctor explained - back 16 years ago the medical profession thought these pills were a miracle drug.  BUT after 16 years the medical profession had discovered these miracle pills caused serious problems in older people..... like forgetfulness and falls and could possibly contribute to dementia and/or Alzheimer's.

Time for me to come off them. 

So a month ago I started a slow decrease of the dosage under my doctor's watchful eye.  About two weeks ago I went on line to research withdrawal symptoms.  My doctor had warned me that after 16 years of daily doses of this medication the withdrawal process could be hard but I didn't ask what withdrawal could look like.  Yeah well ....... I was either dying or I was suffering from withdrawal..... best to check.

I was having heart palpitations and my heart rate was elevated and I had a low grade headache...OH and lets not forget the muscle pain in my arms back - all over actually .... that was after a week on just 1/8th reduction of my prescription.  

This week my dosage has been lowered by 1/4.... the heart palpitations are gone -- but the heart rate is still mildly elevated...... now I am nauseated and the low grade headache is with me constantly.  Yesterday I realized the anxiety was back full force.  I had to go out to run some messages but could barely face going out the door -- the house feels nice and safe ya know?  I gave myself a talking to...... 'get your ass out the door ... you can do this.... you'll feel better for going out'.

And I did - feel better.  BUT when I got to the drugstore and ran into problems with my prescription I panicked ..... coming home my hands were shaking.. I was close to tears... I didn't have a clue what to do.  It was a living nightmare.

Fortunately -- there is a part of my brain - the sane part - that started talking to me -- started being logical - sorting out the problem before I even got home.  Of course everything was sorted out -- wasn't nearly as bad as I imagined (though I have discovered another symptom of the withdrawal - memory lapses) 

On the positive side I am more determined than ever to get myself off these drugs!!  I am not questioning the decision to come off them -- I am not questioning whether I can do this or not....... I will beat this addiction!
 
I am going to post occasionally about this withdrawal process because it helps..... to say it out loud (so to speak) and keep a journal of my recovery process.