Friday, November 01, 2013

The Junkie

It took me 3 days to fully process Saturday's beating.  Three days !!  And the worst part - I wasn't really sure what was going on.............. yeah ME who has been doing this for years couldn't figure it out.... stupid eh???

On Sunday I just wanted to curl up in a tight little ball and not move - not talk - not face the body hurt - every square inch of it hurt... my muscles my bones - hell even my hair hurt.  But it was all deep inside of me - way down deep - where I pushed all those emotions on Saturday.  There wasn't a visible mark on my body that I could point to and say "see that's why it hurts" ... so who would listen ?? who would understand???

Tuesday - well Tuesday was just weird.  We were up before the sun to go downtown and see this taping of the morning news show.  It was dark and I have always hated the dark!!  Evil lurks in the darkness.  I was weaving around people I didn't know - strangers - and I am not particularly fussy on strangers on a good day.  And Tuesday was not a good day !!  There were dark menacing shadows playing in my head.  

I left the crowds and the noise and I walked down to the water's edge.. found a bench and sat looking out to the horizon waiting for the sun to come up...... waiting for some brightness to touch me deep inside - to take away the "bad" feelings that were boiling up ............... feelings I really couldn't describe

And when we finally got home - I felt a deep sadness - which didn't make a whole lot of sense cause we had had fun!!!  going to see the taping was something I really wanted to do !!!  but I couldn't deny it - there it was - that deep sadness that tears my heart in pieces from time to time.

When I went to bed on Tuesday night - I lay very still in bed - in the darkness.  I barely breathed.  I lay still and stiller and stillest.  I quieted my mind.   

And then I thought - I realized - this was just like all those other times when I suffered from sub drop................. but I had been alone all those other times - to face the demons that are sub drop alone.  This time I had W - and I never told him.  I didn't know what I had so how could I have told him???? 

And now it is 5 whole days since the beating and I can feel the cravings starting again.. the need.  My monster.   And just like any junkie I will start the cycle that leads me back to some apparatus on the receiving end of pain............ and I will fly ............ because I am like that...... I have a need - a craving.  I am a junkie.


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