Sexy Sunday

 Before I give you all your weekly dose of Sexy Sunday - a little update on my health.  The pills I am on are controlling the pain - and HALLELUJAH I'm actually sleeping !!  The down side?? worrisome side??? scaring the hell out of me side? - got a call on Friday from the clinic....... they want me back in on Monday as the technician read my Xrays and they need to see me ...... phewwwwwwwwww - that's worrisome no?? Could use some positive thoughts/prays/good vibes.............. 

 

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Hallelujah!!

 

 

I slept last night - first time in 9 days!!  The pain seems to be manageable.  I'm going to live (or so it feels!)

 

However I do not have sciatica.  Colour me shocked!  The clinic lived up to their promise to make me feel safe... when I got there are at 8AM i was ushered immediately into an examining room.  The doctor came in about 10 minutes later - did the question thingy........ then had me lie on the bed and moved my legs this way and that (DEAR GOD!  I am out of shape!)  Then he sent me for Xrays (in the same building thank god with the same stiff rules about social distancing!)  I had 8 Xrays taken - each one seemed to twist me more into a pretzel shape with little thought for the pain ........ gah!!

Then back to the doctor.  I was ushered immediately into the back - away from the semi crowded waiting room.  The doctor called me over to the computer and proceeded to show me my Xrays... saying "I didn't think it was sciatica."  In great detail showed me what the Xrays should have looked like with sciatica - and then pointed out how my skeletal structure from the waist down was listing to the left.  Which explained why the Xray technician had to keep telling me to lie straight!  and then had to reposition my legs.  He was impressed that my spine was as healthy as it was - considering my age.... geez nothing like a backhanded compliment!!

 Final Diagnosis............ my Gluteus Maximus muscle (the big one that is attached to your bum bone and spine) had spasmed and was now in a tight knot pulling my spine and lower body to the left.  Heat and pain killers would not have done a thing.  I now have a major muscle relaxant, major pain killers, and a sleeping aid. 

The worst part is I need a flow chart of what pill gets taken when and with what? One pill is 30 minutes before meals....... second pill is taken with meals... and the third one is taken empty stomach at bedtime.

I did manage to get one of each down me yesterday............ and climbed into bed 30 minutes early - I was SO tired!!  I barely remember Sir Steve kissing me good night...woke up at 5AM ... singing Hallelujah!!  groggily singing it ... with the pain slowly creeping back.  Time for more pills... and more relief.  

BUT I slept!  in our bed!  snuggled up to Sir Steve!

Today I must walk a lot ........ like A LOT!!!  and then do one exercise 4 times during the day and ice it after each exercise ........  and remember the pills.................

Doctor said it will take 14 days to feel totally healed - but that's ok....... I know I am healing........... 

Life is good when you can sing "HALLELUJAH"  

10

  

 

Alive but barely............ 

I've had so many of you contact me to see how I am / where I am ... I was so moved!  BUT I haven't been doing well at all.. and not up to sitting at the pc typing anything... 

If you remember 10 days ago I took a fall outside on the ice...originally I f*cked up my right knee - but within 24 hours I realized it was more than that!  much more.  I had excruciating pain on the left side of my bum that ran down my left leg to my foot.  It's a burning pain.  It's an electric pain.  It's a make me sick to my stomach pain. I knew it was my sciatica.  So - heat / ice - tylenol - Voltaren and grit my teeth till it improved.  

I am ok during the day - sort of ok - but by midnight I am in excruciating pain - I can't lie down I can't sit up I can't walk - there is no relief at all!!! AND that level of pain drags on for hours - often till 9 /10 in the morning. Then it subsides to a dull roar.  I have been averaging 2 hours of sleep a day for a week ......... and that 2 hours is not in one stretch - but more in cat naps when the pain subsides.  The pain is making me nauseous and I have no desire to eat.  Not eating is making me shaky.  The pain is making my blood pressure go up and down like an elevator.

Monday I called my doctor.  I couldn't talk to him thanks to covid.  I did get a call from a Nurse practitioner .  She was very nice.  She went through a check list with me.. had I lost control of my bowels or urine? NO..... did I have weakness in my foot? NO.... did I have saddle pain? (whatever the hell that is!!  though the name gave me a mental picture) NO......... ok then.. so you have sciatica. WOW thanks I didn't know that!  (sarcasm) She gave me a website to download exercises to do... she told me to take tylenol and use heat and voltaren.  She told me if it got worse to go to the emergency department of our hospital.

RIGHT - emergency department of our hospital.  It's filled with covid! 

Last night I rocked all night long in pain.  I even thought of calling an ambulance.... but covid ya know?!  that scares me more than the pain.  

We do however have a walk in clinic affiliated with the hospital.  I called them this morning ... I explained my symptoms - explained my fear of covid - asked what could I do?? OMG!  the nurse was so nice.  She said we'll give you an appointment.  IF you can come in for 8am we will give you the first appointment of the day.   

So Sir Steve will work from home tomorrow ... I will go see a doctor ... and dear god hopefully I will get some relief.

An Amusing Story

 Before I tell you my amusing story -- I want to thank everyone for your comments filled with advise... kind words.. even funny anecdotes.  It brightened my day and made my hobbling a little less painful.  I am pleased to report that the swelling is way down and the knee is bending much easier today and is supporting my weight......... BUT... ugh  - just to keep my life interesting my sciatica decided to act up at 2AM ...... driving me from our bed to pace and curse!  Because my knee was so bad - I kinda ignored the headache and sore back from my fall.  Today I am seeing the bigger picture of my fall...... BUT I am feeling positive - the headache is gone!... my knee is better (it was my good one!!) and I have suffered through sciatica before and know I won't die from it (grinning)

Now ..... on to the amusing story I had intended on posting yesterday - 

 

Over 10 years ago - when Sir Steve and I were 'playing' together - we were invited to a private house party.  It was one of our favourite parties to attend because it was semi private -- at a house in the country -- it involved barbeque dinners and hours of socializing and playing.  Because it was a house party - we could incorporate extreme play ........ which in our case meant the knives could come out.

 

I decided before this party to treat myself to a new thong.  When we played I would often strip down to my corset and thong only.  I found a gorgeous black lace thong and ignored the price tag 'cause come on!  a sexy thong that fit comfortably was just what the doctor ordered (grinning)

Ok - so - we had already played with whips and floggers and I was flying nicely on the endorphin high when Sir Steve called me to come to the play room.  On the table he had laid out his knives........ I was aroused immediately.  A few friends gathered to watch the knife session.

There was one knife laid out with the others that made me grin.............. it was Sir Steve's pride and joy - his grandfather's Scout knife!

 

It was (is) the smallest knife in his collection - and definitely not very threatening to look at.  Sir Steve pushed me down over the table -- and started the knife play.  I loved how if I wiggled or tried to lift my head - his hand would push me down roughly and hold me still.  He would growl at me to 'keep still'.  

The session went pretty much like the one this past weekend ......... and (according to some of the folks who watched) it was HOT!  I was still bent over the table trying to catch my breath .. Sir Steve was showing folks his knives.. and he was proudly showing them his grandfather's Scout knife.  

At that point my foggy brain kicked in... and the 'brat' came out to play .. and the brat announced loudly - 'THAT knife is so dull it wouldn't cut butter'.

There was a pause ...... a silence........ and then Sir Steve pushed my head down hard on the table and growled 'wouldn't cut butter eh??? Let's see' and I felt the knife slide under one side of the thong and felt it slice through the lacy material.  I started laughing (god only knows why!!)  And said 'You DIDN'T just cut my thong?!'  Sir Steve pulled on the cut thong and then for whatever reason sliced through the other side and pulled the thong off my butt!!!  

I dropped like a stone off the table onto the floor laughing like a lunatic....... I couldn't believe he had cut my underwear off!!!  I was NAKED!!  (well except for my corset) Everyone burst out laughing. I pulled my skirt on hoping against it hope it would cover my naked ass - it didn't.  BUT nobody really cared - it was just one of the stories that would circulate around the community of how a bratty toy could be put in her place.

Life is good when years later a small innocuous knife can bring back fond memories of play time!

 

Sooooo this happened........

 

 

Sunday evening Sir Steve and I were 'admiring' the marks on my body - we joked that it was a good thing I didn't have a doctor's appointment this week - cause I'd have some explaining to do.

AND trust me when I say it takes a long time for the marks to heal...... here's a pic from this morning of my thighs (and those marks travel all the way down to my ankles and up to my neck) ... not much difference from Sunday afternoon............

 

We even joked that I would have to stay really covered so even the lil one didn't see the marks - cause - ya know - questions...............  

Ok......... so........... 

the lil one has been anxiously waiting for some snow so she could use her brick making kit Santa brought her to make a snow fort.  We got snow on the weekend!!  and she was excitedly waiting to finish school yesterday so she and I could go outside and build this snow fort (even though the snow was dry and we couldn't use the brick form)

At 2pm - school was finished - lunch was finished - so we got ready to head outside.  I put on layers (cause I don't have a snow suit) and got the dog hooked up to the front deck and the lil one outside.  We were all set.

I grabbed a shovel and headed down the stairs to the non existent sidewalk  (thanks to our lazy useless contractor) to help build the snow
fort ....................

WHEN......

my feet went out from underneath me and I went down hard - banging my head on the ground - and bending my right leg in an awkward position behind me. (is it supposed to bend that way?) The pain was horrific....... I could hardly breathe..... the lil one screeched and came running over to me... she wanted to help me up and all I could think was 'I can't move!' 

AND then I thought - 'OMG!  I CAN NOT go to emerg! ' 

I laid there trying not to cry - trying to access the damage without moving... finally I managed to get my leg twisted around to the front again... rolled over on my stomach and managed to get myself upright again.  

Today I am not allowed to move from the sofa except to go to the bathroom (stern orders from Sir Steve).  The knee is about twice it's normal size -- doesn't bend very well.  I am wearing a knee brace.... taking advil ... and feeling very thankful that I can move - even painfully.

I may be a masochist BUT this was NOT consensual!!  sooooooooo I'm calling

 R E D !!  (cheeky grin)

 

Monday Morning Thoughts (edited cause I forgot a pic)

 First off I need to take care of some comments that came in over night.....

Back in the day - one of the first lessons I learned - was that the things I enjoy and do are not the run of the mill sort of things.... and there are a whole lot of people who are gonna be made uneasy by those things.  Also there was always this niggling thought that folks might wonder about my sanity......... 

Recently - based on the folks commenting here - I realized most were HOH .. or Dd ... and dear god in heaven there was no way I could be open and honest about what goes on around here and not scare the natives.  BUT the post on Jan 4th brought out different commenters....... folks from the BDSM side of the equation... and I felt better about posting a little more graphic information about myself... not sugar coat or make it all sound very generic.

I was NEVER upset with my visitors who are HOH or Dd ... EVER!!!  (stern look at all who thought they upset me) I am who I am - AND - yes it is my blog BUT if I want to make it gentle for my gentle readers I can do that too right?? (grinning) 

Having said that though -- because I know I have a number of BDSM folks hanging around in the shadows.  Occasionally - as the spirit moves me - I can and will post about Adult activities around here.  I will always post a warning at the beginning so that I don't trigger anyone....... or gross anyone out.  (and HELL I might gross / shock some of the others too)

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" 3:00" 

that's all he said........ but I knew what he wanted.  I had 20 minutes to get into the right mind set (I love the announced time thingy - it gives me such butterflies of anticipation)

When he came into the bedroom he carefully and deliberately laid out the knives beside me............ 

  (and I'm sorry the picture is a bit blurry - I took it before I put the knives away - so not exactly in a photographic mind set )

 

I had a little internal shiver - the big knife was there..... the one I wrote about HERE ...

And so it began......... I asked Sir Steve if I could lie on my back - which frees up all my pink bits to the knife......... Believe it or not -- knife play (for me) is totally sensual.  OH there is pain - don't get me wrong - but a completely different type of pain compared to floggers and whips.  

The pain travels - it moves literally - along the path that the blade makes.  AND the path is long and windy and intruding.  It slides down the middle of my body - dissecting it in half..... it circles my breasts round and round till the tip of the blade lifts the nipple and teases it...... it moves further down to my most private pink bits.. finds the jewelry and the tip slides into it and lifts...... high higher.. making me hold my breath. The tip cuts across my mons... making me moan ....... later the blade slaps against my clit - over and over rhythmically until the orgasm shakes my body.

The sensations are as varied as can be -- different knives have different feelings... some feel sharper than others... some are heavier than others... Sir Steve uses the tip to draw patterns ... and when the pain seems to take over my mind he'll flip the blade flat and let the coolness of the steel calm my body.......... 

I open my eyes and study his face....... there's a hardness there.. an intensity... the Sadist is standing beside me.... I don't think I exist for him in those moments - I'm just a body to be tortured. It's HOT!! 

When you do knife play - one should not actually draw blood  (unless of course you're going for scarification or blood sports).  Sir Steve is very very adapt at cutting without actually drawing blood............. BUT it can feel as though the blood is running down my body and dripping onto the bed...... it creates a topsy turvy world.

And then it's over ........ and I lie there exhausted and spent and shaking and cold... and Sir Steve wraps his arms around me and holds me .......... and I slowly come back to him.. and he to me..........

 

UGH!!!  I forgot to include this picture of my thighs......... after the fact.  Trust me when I say my body looks pretty much like that - only more marks.

 

Sexy Sunday

 (introducing a new Sunday theme - Sexy Sundays - you have been warned)

 

 

After

just a little warning - explicit content today

For clarification - before I start - I tend to use the word spanking as a generic term for any 'beat the ass' process - be it hand spanking, caning flogging etc

 

 Yesterday I was over on Heart and Soul and ronnie posted an interested piece on being caned and not getting 'after care' (immediately following said caning).  It was a very good piece (in my opinion) on how one can feel following a spanking

When Sir Steve and I first played together (some 10 years ago) we would always have 'after care' immediately following the session.... it was a bit of a joke between us that my after care involved going outside with him ... having a drink of water and a smoke.  Other girls were being wrapped up in blankets and carried to a sofa to lie down....... me - I was outside leaning against the wall to hold me up while I had a smoke. But I didn't need to be coddled -  I just needed to feel him beside me - needed to feel a little protected and a whole lot grounded.  Then the day after Sir Steve and his wife would often come over to my place and have coffee with me in the afternoon.... a kind of debriefing and check up...... was I ok - physically and mentally ?? Was I grounded?? Was I functioning?  Back in those days I rarely if ever had a serious case of 'sub drop' (which manifests itself differently for different folks - for me it usually involved crying jags... feeling anxious .. questioning my sanity) The 'after care' - the afternoon coffee visits helped keep the sub drop in check.......

One of the things I was SO looking forward to when Sir Steve and I reconnected... was playing together and omg!  having sex immediately following the play session.  See I always get extremely 'horny' when I play -- and I just assumed everyone else did too and needed some sort of sexual release.  (even if I had a couple of orgasms from the pain I wanted the more aggressive / invasive type of orgasm) 

BUT except for once - Sir Steve never initiates sex following a play session. le sigh. Maybe the next day - but never immediately afterwards. And it's not something we have talked about for some reason.... maybe one day.

BUT for the most part I still got after care in the form of going outside leaning up against the deck railing and having a smoke together.  It felt normal ya know - felt familiar - so it was ok there wasn't sex afterwards.  The last couple of months though, I go outside by myself for a smoke....... and I have to admit I miss Sir Steve standing with me... 

There have been a couple of times when just as Sir Steve starts beating me I get the inexplicable urge to cry and need to have him hold me and kiss me - I'm usually mumbling something about loving him...... it's weird........ 

My question today is........... do you need/want/get after care?? Does it take a different form from sex?  Do you ever have a moment of doubt when the spanking starts?? Ever need to feel reassured that you are loved??

Home School Report

 

 

The holidays are over and we're back to home schooling ......... 

December was a really rough month..... I was at my wits end and honestly ready to throw in the towel... there's only so much one person can take you know?  We've had bouts (her and I) of 'attitude' since I moved in here... but nothing that was this bad or this prolonged.  When she left for her mother's between Christmas and New Years - I told her to find the reset button and push it - cause I wanted MY (fill in name) to come back.  I also had an inspiration while she was gone -- when she got home I called a 'family meeting' and said we were ALL to come up with 3 house rules each.  

The lil one seemed really excited about making these rules -- and called them 'The Happy House Rules'.  We came up with some good rules - like "Good Attitude" and "Focus on our Jobs" .. there's 9 of them.  I printed them up and they are posted on the fridge.

 

It's been 2 weeks and things are running smoother again...... though at times I still feel like I'm holding my breath..... BUT her teacher says she's working hard again in class - and she seems happier again - laughing and playing and willing to do her few chores. 

For Christmas Sir Steve and I gave her a subscription to a kid's cooking club - Raddish.  Each month she gets a box of recipes and activities and cooking accessories.   It didn't come in time for Christmas (colour me sad/frustrated) BUT it did come while she was at her mom's.  This week she made Chicken and dumplings for supper.... virtually by herself (OH I had to supervise - cause sharp knives ya know) and it turned out well. 

 

 

 

 

 I do NOT like dumplings and the whole dinner seemed anemic - white dumplings white meat on a white plate.... but  Sir Steve and the lil one loved it!!   Next week - Apple pancakes.

Life is good when the reset button works (for now) 

Routines........

 

 

Since the beginning of this epidemic our morning news show has opened each show every morning with a ' Today is ....(insert day of the week)......... ' 

 This morning I was over on ' A Place to Share' and Terps was talking about being thankful for routines.  I sat up and went 'she's so right!!  It's great to be back to daily routines

Today is THURSDAY!  that means cleaning day around here.... scrubbing and polishing making every thing pretty (at least for a few hours). Routines are soothing for me - if it's Monday it's laundry day - if it's Tuesday it's baking day .. etc... reassuring - as much as the world spins out of control - I can still have some control over MY world with routines.

Life is good when there are routines to follow.

Shocked?

 

 

Last week I spent a lot of time trying to describe my life style choices.. what it looks like.. what it feels like it.. what it sounds like. I had hoped to inspire some  conversation... some participation.  That didn't happen.  When the week was over my brain hurt.... I waffled on putting up the pictures on Sunday... do I?? don't I?? I had a pretty good feeling I was gonna shock some folks.  Windy put it best in the comment section  "when I was brand new to blog land, I landed on your blog and got the poop scared out of me and thought what did I just sign up for?"

I am sure I might have shocked more than a few folks...... cause ya know... most of the days on here I am writing about home schooling an 8 year old - cleaning and cooking and these days covid ........ I think I come across as Suzie Homemaker complete with the mop and the apron.

BUT ya know -- that other side of me .. the kinky side is still part of me.. the Suzie Homemaker me.  Some days I get really fed up with the picture people have of me - in real life I mean - they see this prim and proper older lady........... GAH!!  There are days I want to scream - 'wanna see my tattoos, my clit piercing?!" Just to shock them.  BUT I won't - I was brought up a "lady".

and as I am writing this - I realize I shouldn't have agreed to the planned discussion between Windy and PK - there is no way in hell a 'masochist' should expect to be understood by those that aren't masochistic or Sadistic....tolerated maybe but understood - nope not gonna happen.

So after last week's fiasco (or what I think was a total fiasco) I am going back to Suzie Homemaker entries with a side of implied play. 

 

 
 

BIG Excitement

 

 

So - because of the increase in Covid numbers - especially here in our little town - I have had to find a better time to do the grocery shopping.  The online ordering of food has not worked out well at all - never mind that now we have to pay $3.00 to order our groceries on line - but they are always missing something from my order.  

The only time I actually have to do the shopping is Friday after 2 - when the lil one goes to her mother's.  The crowds have been growing at that hour - and our local shop hasn't been limiting the numbers very well either.  

Now I could go at 7 am on Thursday or Friday  -- the designated 'senior's shopping hour' .......... BUT...... Sir Steve leaves for work at 7 .... and would have to make arrangements to be late on the day I go shopping.  Early morning shopping makes the most sense to me.  Our shops are doing big cleanings every night...... the number of shoppers is lower early in the morning - so safer shopping time.

I decided two weeks ago to try going to the shops on Sunday morning at 8 (when they open) ... there were hardly any shoppers..... most of the shoppers there were seniors .... and the shelves are mostly stocked.... so a win/win for me.   

So now my big excitement for the week is going shopping on Sunday morning at the crack of dawn............. WOW!  so much fun........ le sigh.

I am feeling cranky -- and just a bit depressed.  My week involves sitting at home overseeing this long distance learning and doing the household chores.  No gym time... not even time to go for a walk.  I keep hearing the best way to ward off depression is exercise....... or walking.  BUT I want to walk alone... ya know?!  I have the lil one under my feet all day long - IF I go out - I want to go out alone!!  BUT Sir Steve doesn't get home till 5ish - two problems with that.. 1) it's dark by then.. and 2) it's time to start the dinner prep.  Therefore my BIG excitement - my big break from the mundane routine is actually venturing out of the house at 8am on Sunday morning.... for 40 minutes.  YIPEEE!!

ohhhhhhhh and the other petulant bit of news.. if it wasn't for shopping there would be no fun around here ..... well at least this weekend.  There was no play time - no adult time... no nothing......... 

I will now go sulk in the corner and feel sorry for myself........... 

Sunday Sentiments

Today's post is most definitely Adult Only X-rated...... you have been warned.
you can click on the thumb nails to view them enlarged - for the details

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A New Series -- part 4 the final submission

 

My relationship to pain....... 

 Again this is MY opinion and your mileage may vary.........

This is the comment from Windy that got me started on this series of posts.....
Wait, really? You never think of being bad/naughty, having broken a rule as the reasons for being spanked? What in the world am I missing? Would love to hear more of your reasons and views on this

Back in my late teens I discovered erotic Victorian novels that featured spanked young ladies....... OMG !!!  Masturbation fodder!!  The whole idea of a male taking what they wanted was a HUGE turn on for me... I hadn't separated the feelings yet - just had this overall horny reaction to the books.

Fast forward many years and my first entrance into a BDSM club in Montreal... watching all those semi naked women on crosses, bent over tables, positioned on spanking benches and I was overwhelmed - but wanting me some of that! AND when I want something I go for it.

There was no sex attached to the spankings....... no punishments attached to these spankings.. it was simply spankings/floggings/whippings for pain sake.  AND I discovered I loved it!!  loved the pain - loved the endorphins.  My god!  the endorphins were the best!  I became hooked on them....... needing them regularly .. wanting them... craving them.. jonesing for them!  For me - it honestly was an addiction.

I played with more than a few folks in those first months....... settled on one man - my Dominant..... continued for many months/years attending public play parties having my ass spanked/flogged/whipped regularly........ getting my endorphin fix.

AND then 11 years ago I met Sir Steve and his then wife Kira and became their play toy........ going out to clubs .. parties sometimes twice every weekend........ I have vivid memories of how good it was with them.. with him.  Things I had never noticed before... (before the play times were mostly inside my head - MY getting past the pain stage to the pleasure stage.. MY white knuckling it.. MY pulling myself over that edge into the endorphin high.)  BUT with Sir Steve there was an order - a rhythm - it was a dance we two performed together.  It was US getting me over the pain to pleasure - it was US bringing out the endorphin high........... 

I remember so vividly the feel of Sir Steve's strong big hands stroking the growing welts... feeling the cool touch of his leather pants against my thighs... feeling the tightening in my belly .. feeling the wetness between my legs ......... and Sir Steve could - almost every time we played - bring me to an orgasm just from the pain.

BUT there was more than whips and chains and floggers oh my!!  I loved (love) knives and anything sharp............

the wartenberg wheel tracing patterns across my well flogged ass and back...

 

 

 

or feeling the bite of a knife tracing patterns - finding delicate bits - feeling the tip bite in... holding my breath ............

 

and every once in a while there was wax play...... there was something soothing about the heat hitting the delicate bits... my world would dissolve in a brilliant flash of heat and light......... 

 

(the worst part of wax play was the clean up afterwards - trying to get all the bits off my skin - trying to pick up all the bits that went astray and settled into the rug)

AND there was a period where I became a pin cushion - loving needle play..... even had a corset similar to the one below

Now.......... now things have settled down I guess - I am no longer jonesing for endorphins (well not much) ......... I am not seen out in clubs anymore in my corsets and collar ....... now - now I can be found naked bent over the bottom of the bed with Sir Steve spanking me ...  the feelings haven't changed I love the total surrender of play - - of the strong sense of submitting to his will ........ it makes me feel loved and cared for and needed.  

Life is good when it all comes together.......

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tomorrow in place of my usual Sunday Sentiments - I will be posting erotic pictures from my private collection.......

A New Series -- part 3 (edited)

 

My relationship with punishment 
(please note - these are MY thoughts - and shouldn't have any reflection on your relationship!!)

 Now I have new terminologies for BDSM relationships - I think what I most needed/wanted was the "Taken in Hand".  I wanted a partner who would always put our relationship first - over everything/everyone else.  Who would wrap his arms around me (figuratively and literally) and hold me safe. AND give me space to think things through - to work out my own problems - to be a sounding board ... to support me in my decision.

NOW -- how to handle situations - that will always arise - when there are disagreements... a lot of submissives feel they need punishments - or spankings - or both.  I tried that -- had to keep a journal of my misdemeanours and accept my spanking punishments on Friday evening.  While it was a way of assuring I would get a spanking - it did nothing for my self esteem. I found myself grinding my teeth and growling 'I am NOT a child!'  My background growing up was not one of spankings as punishments nor did I believe in spanking my children to discipline -- so I did not understand a spanking as a way to correct unacceptable adult behaviours. 

 

When I first came to Sir Steve I didn't talk about problems - didn't open up and confide in him - because over many years I had learned it didn't accomplish anything.  In the past when I tried to talk I was either ignored - or spanked.  There was no concrete steps taken to fix the problem....... I learned to bury it deep inside and try and ignore the problems.  Sir Steve wouldn't accept that ....... but he didn't spank me - or scold me - or make me stand in a corner 

We worked together to face our problems - his mine ours.  It hasn't been easy - but the results are so worth the work!! He has empowered me to deal with the lil one's mother ... not go through him all the time..........I can actually talk to him easier (note I said easier not easy) about things that are rocky between us... and we TALK -- and this isn't a one way street - him directing me - it's a two way street.  I have been known to 'scold' him and to make suggestions....... and we struggle to iron things out ... and I am pleased to say we're making progress!  even with the tough stuff........ sometimes I worry I might hurt him (as I am sure he worries he might hurt me) but we plow ahead - cause our relationship - our love - is too important not to.

Sooooooooooo 

where do spankings come in?? 

 

They are way more sensual around here... BUT I think our relationship with spankings will make yet another good post in this series............. 

 

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All those words and I am still not sure I have explained myself well.... 

in terms of making our relationship work - it is important to me that we both have rights to speak our minds... even struggle to speak our minds... and to be heard!  being heard is so important!! 

and hugs... touches... god I need to have physical expressions of love ...

IF Sir Steve is cross with something I have done - it is important - SO very important - that I know it is the SOMETHING that has annoyed him.. that his feelings for me haven't changed.

I am an adult -- Sir Steve is an adult -- I believe we are both responsible for our actions.. and because we love one another we will try our damnedest to please the other...... and accepting that neither of us is perfect .. our relationship isn't perfect ... but this is a journey ... together! 

Sad Day

 

Yesterday was a shocking sad day for our American friends.

(and we all need to remember - I think - that we are all one nutcase leader away from the same thing) 

A New Series - part 2

 

 

I'd always thought that HOH and 50's Household - were lifestyles very different from what I wanted.  I (obviously) didn't know very much about them...... AND then Windy posted something about punishment and I had to know more....... 

I asked questions on Windy's blog and then yesterday did some research (cause that's who I am )  I got a notebook and pen and made notes!  (yeah I'm organised like that).  Ready to know what I found out?? 

I have to tell you when I typed in HOH in google I got all kinds of information on filing my income tax as Head of Household...... le sigh..... didn't seem to matter what I typed I got the same links...... tax filing information.  Finally I typed in 'BDSM HOH' et voila!  Head of Household relationships.  I settled back pen in hand and read page after page and made notes !!!

The biggest thing I learned (other than by Google standards HOH is filed under BDSM) is that it would seem HOH is an umbrella for 3 different styles:

'Taken in Hand' :
the HOH makes decisions with the relationship taking top priority and the wife/submissive's best interests in mind

'1950's M/s':
the HOH makes decisions that mostly suit his needs/wants and does not justify his decisions/choices.

 'Domestic Discipline' :
HOH holds most or all of the power.  There are rules and protocols and disciplinary spankings as well as maintenance spankings given to reinforce the place of power. 

Funny thing for me - going back some 20+ years when I was first entering the BDSM world those 3 categories of HOH were what I was told were different styles of D/s relationships.   The man who was my Dom back then (and is now known around here in the comment section as 'Ex-Sir') and I started to develop a BDSM relationship that we thought would suit both our needs.... we took bits from the 1950's M/s and Domestic Discipline and combined them into an M/s.  I wanted someone to take over the decision making - I spent my working life making all sorts of tough decisions and shouldered a lot of responsibility - when I came home I wanted someone else to take over that responsibility.  I wanted spankings too - lots of them.... we fiddled and adjusted and tried to create a relationship that fit our needs (my needs??)

Fast forward a few years....... it turned out this dynamic did not fit my needs - I did not feel safe or taken care of... I wanted my independence - wanted to go back to making my own decisions ... I wanted spankings but not in a relationship... I wanted them on the side like a side salad or plate of fries with my meal.  Both my Ex-Sir and I were hurt ... badly... we both struggled with the end of the relationship... but for me it was the healthiest decision I made .. mental health wise.

Life is good when you learn new things and see parallels........

A New Series...... part 1

 Organization.......

 

If you have been reading here for any time..... you will have noticed that I like organization... everything has a place and everything in it's place.  Post it Notes are my friend....... journals are my friend.... calendars and agendas are my friend.    My Santa Claus (grinning) put some pads in my stocking......... One is for menus and shopping lists and the other (which has to be my favourite) is "Adulting To Do List"  They join my note pad beside my laptop in the living room............. 

The pink note pad is where I jot down miscellaneous information/notes.  Mostly right now it tracks the covid numbers in our small town...... I'm a little obsessed with keeping track of how bad it is here ...... and trust me when I say it IS bad!!

BUT covid is not what I want to write about...... has nothing to do with the series I would like to start......... 

I would like to discuss alternate life styles - BDSM mainly - cause that's what I know best - but  I would like to enhance my understanding of different lifestyles so everyone is welcome to add their 2cents to my discussion.  

The idea for this 'discussion' started a few days ago when I commented on Windy's blog that I don't get spankings for correction - I get them cause I LOVE them! and Sir Steve loves giving them....... a very symbiotic relationship.

When I was first introduced to alternate lifestyles - it was simply BDSM (bondage discipline sadism and masochism) BUT over the 20+ years I have been 'out' I have heard about or sampled different alternate lifestyles.  There are a lot of 'em....... and I could do with some educating on many ...... so - we have a series bubbling 

 I've left a couple of questions on Windy's blog concerning HOH (head of household) - hoping to get some first hand information -- and I'm hoping some who stop by here will continue my education - questions I have:  what are the players called?? Head of Household obviously - but what is the other participant called? wife?? submissive?? husband??  Are there rules?? How are they enforced??

As always - you do NOT need a profile to comment here -- anonymous comments are more than welcome........ so please come help educate me......... any and all information about any and all alternate lifestyles most welcome.......... 

(oh and the opening bit about organization and my note pads - I'm hoping over the span of this series it will all make sense!)

Adult Time

 

We had a week alone -- on holidays -- adult time!! To be perfectly honest we spent it binge watching Netflix - eating some pretty damn good meals (if I do say so myself - curry sausages.... lamb... tortiere pie ) - and yes we even made time for sex and play.... YAY!!

We had 2 distinct play times --- the first Sir Steve took my hand and gently led me into the bedroom..... wonderful sexy times! The second - Sir Steve ordered me 'bedroom - naked - bend over the bed'.... it involved the leather strap - lots of his hands and some of his knives

Sir Steve had scheduled a knife session - nothing but his big two pronged knife - but .... for whatever reason - too much good food - too many good movies - it never happened.  I'm trying really hard to see the glass half full........ and keeping my fingers crossed the knife session happens soon..... I LOVE his big knife (cheeky grin)

BUT now today -- the holidays are over -- Sir Steve has gone back to work and school starts tomorrow (delayed restart due to another lock down)

Life is good when you can unplug from life even for only a short while...........