just a little warning - explicit content today
For clarification - before I start - I tend to use the word spanking as a generic term for any 'beat the ass' process - be it hand spanking, caning flogging etc
Yesterday I was over on Heart and Soul and ronnie posted an interested piece on being caned and not getting 'after care' (immediately following said caning). It was a very good piece (in my opinion) on how one can feel following a spanking
When Sir Steve and I first played together (some 10 years ago) we would always have 'after care' immediately following the session.... it was a bit of a joke between us that my after care involved going outside with him ... having a drink of water and a smoke. Other girls were being wrapped up in blankets and carried to a sofa to lie down....... me - I was outside leaning against the wall to hold me up while I had a smoke. But I didn't need to be coddled - I just needed to feel him beside me - needed to feel a little protected and a whole lot grounded. Then the day after Sir Steve and his wife would often come over to my place and have coffee with me in the afternoon.... a kind of debriefing and check up...... was I ok - physically and mentally ?? Was I grounded?? Was I functioning? Back in those days I rarely if ever had a serious case of 'sub drop' (which manifests itself differently for different folks - for me it usually involved crying jags... feeling anxious .. questioning my sanity) The 'after care' - the afternoon coffee visits helped keep the sub drop in check.......
One of the things I was SO looking forward to when Sir Steve and I reconnected... was playing together and omg! having sex immediately following the play session. See I always get extremely 'horny' when I play -- and I just assumed everyone else did too and needed some sort of sexual release. (even if I had a couple of orgasms from the pain I wanted the more aggressive / invasive type of orgasm)
BUT except for once - Sir Steve never initiates sex following a play session. le sigh. Maybe the next day - but never immediately afterwards. And it's not something we have talked about for some reason.... maybe one day.
BUT for the most part I still got after care in the form of going outside leaning up against the deck railing and having a smoke together. It felt normal ya know - felt familiar - so it was ok there wasn't sex afterwards. The last couple of months though, I go outside by myself for a smoke....... and I have to admit I miss Sir Steve standing with me...
There have been a couple of times when just as Sir Steve starts beating me I get the inexplicable urge to cry and need to have him hold me and kiss me - I'm usually mumbling something about loving him...... it's weird........
My question today is........... do you need/want/get after care?? Does it take a different form from sex? Do you ever have a moment of doubt when the spanking starts?? Ever need to feel reassured that you are loved??
Aftercare for me is EXTREMELY contextual. I get spanked by different people at times, for a multitude of reasons. All of those variables make big differences for me and the person who just spanked me. That said, physically-soothing aftercare (lotion-rubbing, soothing etc.) is extremely rare. Lotion is used primarily just to color enhance a post-spanking photo that will end up on my blog. Almost never to soothe. My spankers all sort of feel that post-spanking soreness is supposed to be there and SHOULD remain unmitigated.
ReplyDeleteEmotional aftercare is different. A play spanking, even a severe one requires little reassurance for me so anything after is typically brief. A simple "thanks for the attention" and maybe a quick peck to my Rosa's toes in appreciation.
A punishment spanking is different. Depending on just how serious the issue that prompted it and the level of emotional baggage associated with the issue, a period of snuggle and reassurance that everything is now OK often occurs. However, if it the punishment is NOT done after a single session and I am told that there will be a break and then more to come later, the reassurance will not happen until the slate is finally wiped clean.
If the reason for the punishment is minor, but real, the emotional requirements of reconnection are also less consequential and a brief hug or toe-kiss is often all that is needed.
Oddly, maybe because we are not a 'couple', reconnection between me and Nickki often lasts longer than it does with my Rosa. It takes the form of just a post-punishment snuggle-talk. Nothing sexual, nothing extreme, just me leaning into her while we reconnect. It feels more necessary between us than it does with my Honey because Nickki tends to be very verbally stern and likes to lecture as she spanks. I feel VERY berated at the time, so I think it's that punitive intensity that leads to the need to truly reassure afterwards.
No matter how angry Rosa is, she doesn't get too verbal while spanking. Actually now that I think of it.....my need to reconnect with her usually goes up in direct proportion to how much lecturing SHE did during the spanking. So I guess the recap is that the more intense the reason and punishment, the greater the need to emotionally reconnect afterward.
Oh and sex after is definitely not a factor with Nickki LOL, but is also not typical with Rosa after. For a punishment, sex is NOT going to happen.....ever. With play? Rare.....but an occasional possibility. LOL I guess the fact that sex is rare for me under the best of circumstances, play spanking doesn't act as much of a factor one way or the other.
ReplyDeletekd - awwwww again our differences are highlights :) I'm curious - on average how long is a spanking ??? How high do you get on endorphins? or do you?
ReplyDeleteI remember a night after a play party - driving myself home - getting up the next morning with absolutely no memory of how I got home - I had to go and check to see if my car was parked out front. Trust me when I say that is not something I am proud of - nor was it something that I ever repeated.
Morningstar:
ReplyDeletePerhaps itis just my computer, but the reaction buttons for leave comments are not working. With that in mind, let me add that girls should always receive aftercare. This is because of their emotional makeup, which is different from males, and after a session, they have exposed their own vulnerability. Such exposure is both intimidating and frightening, so security should be restored, both emotionally and physically, with aftercare, to show she is loved and safe.
Males need aftercare also, but with a different twist. We need approval and appreciation for "a job well done"; it is our internal weakness and insecurity that we never show. If performed, like only a girl can, the likelihood of a happy union is much greater. In closing, do not be discouraged by people not responding. We are interested, but it takes time and energy to write a response, and both seem to be in short supply now. So yes, we do enjoy what you have to say, but please excuse us for not saying it enough.
Rick
(smiling) first let me thank you Wolfman for taking time to comment. I did check and the reaction buttons seem to be working fine on my end.... so maybe it's just your computer?? Sadly - I'm not sure how to fix them IF they aren't working.
ReplyDeleteI've always been a firm believer in aftercare - for both participants... though now we are playing at home only - the need seems different. Out in clubs there are so many 'strangers' around - I didn't feel as safe when I was flying on endorphins. Playing at home is a safe haven.
I am thinking about your statement of girls exposing their vulnerability... I'm not entirely sure I feel vulnerable with Sir Steve - or perhaps it's more I don't feel vulnerable in the safety of our home. I am going to have to think about this ......
Although my fantasies about spanking are highly sexual an actual real life spanking drives all sexual desire from me and I do not seek that sort of after care, I have read about this from many other men too.
ReplyDeleteMy most desired sort of after care is to have a nice, out of scene chat. It helps me come back to earth a bit and is reassuring to me that myself and the Top involved can meet as equals, outside of play.
A bit boring but that's how it goes for me.
Prefectdt
doesn't sound boring to me Prefectdt !
ReplyDeleteI don't honestly think I am ever gonna get the sex and spanking together ... cause Sir Steve sees spanking as a solo act so to speak (grinning)
Great topic Morningstar and I also read Ronnie's post, which was well said.
ReplyDeleteI believe aftercare is important too, for both parties and for the connection and reassurance. It happens here immediately (or used to happen, when we were active). The type of aftercare depended on the type of spanking. If it was a discipline spanking, or to reaffirm our roles it would involve alot of cuddling and verbal reassurance afterwards and sometimes sex. If a play spanking it would end in sex.
Hugs
Roz
Hey Morningstar,
ReplyDeleteYour timing is impeccable with this post. B and I were just revisiting this yesterday as a matter of fact. As you now know, we initially started this adventure as what we thought was strictly a Dd couple, though B was more prone to resets than punishments for the first couple of years. They have always been longer and more severe in the long run than punishments which are generally fast and furious ( heavy on the furious now lol). In the beginning there was almost always sex that followed, but NOT because of me. I think B needed it (at the time- things have changed) because he needed to feel like I didn't despise him for what just happened. Was that all that he felt? Looking back from this vantage point, probably not, but that was easier for him to identify with.
In non punishment situations, weather resets or if he is taking for his own pleasure there is generally some sort of 'aftercare' but it doesn't include water and a piece of chocolate. LOL. Physically he may end up drawing me a bath, because I need to clean up, not relax. If it is a long session, I often end up shaking uncontrollably so he often puts me to bed. Sometimes he lays with me for a bit depending. If I've danced into or around subspace my head often feels like it is detached from my body, and I am mute so he tends to watch over me for a bit. I usually fall dead asleep for a long time. I have even fallen asleep the second play ended- in position. LOL.
As mentioned we were novice at this. Things happened to me and because we didn't consider ourselves BDSM I knew nothing of sub drop. I knew of the shaking and the flying that people talked of, but not the day after or beyond. I often had very bad reactions to B after. He would go about his day, as far as I could tell, like nothing happened. I on the other hand felt completely different- which is sort of touched on in Ronnie's post. Often I'd feel hurt and as a result of that hurt angry at him. I had a friend tell me about dopamine drops ect... and while I know he is right about that ( I once had an emotional flatline drop that lasted 5 days), for the most part it didn't seem to completely fit the bill. It wasn't until I realized, for me an extreme 'session' opened the door to Uber Submissiveness in me. An Uber Submissive with no where to put her submission, because B's Dominance was sated after. It was a match made in HELL. Sometimes it still is.
All this blabity blah, just to say, I need a Dominance stepdown after, more than a piece of chocolate. And well sex is good too, but it better not be gentle lovemaking...LMAO.
I also found that I can help keep subdrop at bay myself by engaging the creative aspect of my brain, but that's another story.
willie
I've been to Ronnie's too and I could feel the distance she describes. I think aftercare for us has always been immediate - especially if it involves maintenance / role affirmation. Cuddles, reassurance, talking, lots of holding me.
ReplyDeleteBut fun / play spankings usually end in sex, unless I'm on my period, in which case it'll end with a blowjob or some other form of release for BIKSS.
I really do want to thank Willie and Fondles and Roz - you all gave me food for thought :) and maybe some ideas for further blog entries
ReplyDeleteMorningstar: " on average how long is a spanking ??? How high do you get on endorphins? or do you?"
ReplyDeleteI would say the average is around 250. That said, the actual range is vast. 50 is the least I can expect from Rosa and usually only happens when we haven't done anything in a while and my butt has lost its conditioning to discipline. But I have also had days where with breaks in between, I have gotten hundreds in series of installments.
As for endorphins. It's all about intent, and a bit of mood/luck/timing. If it's a punishment Rosa will spank quite skillfully so that every smack is punitive and my bottom is as sore as she wants it BEFORE any endorphins kick in to turn the spanking into something more "enjoyable". If her intent is role-affirmation or general fun, then she will encourage an endorphin rush with a change in technique so they do kick in and enhance my submission, but just because she is open to it, does not mean that it happens for me every time. Sometimes it does, sometimes it just doesn't......even after a very long spanking that one would think would guarantee an endorphin high. I think for me it must be part chemical and part mental state.
The same is true for Nickki. She has intentionally altered key aspects of a spanking to ensure that it was 100% un-fun punishment.....painful, challenging and over before the pain turns into anything else. But she will also handle things in a way where I end up maybe not quite 'endorphin-high' but......."mushy". Sometimes she herself just likes when I get like that, especially if I am across her lap for that portion. These are usually what we call our 'spanks as payment' sessions. Intended as rewards and not as punishment. She, like my Rosa, is quite capable of both approaches.
actually, I should also mention that aftercare seems to be just as important for BIKSS as it is for me. We've had a conversation or 7 about it before. He shares with me that he needs it to help him feel reassured too, that he knows we're in a good place together, and that he hasn't fractured any part of our relationship with the spanking that had just taken place, and that I'm still "okay" with being a part of this relationship. I suppose there is a nagging fear for the spanker that any spanking / play session may be the one that goes TOO far for the spankee and be the straw that breaks the kinky camel's back. It is a very delicate dance of emotions and anytime one or the other isn't in the right space for it, I'm pretty sure it would wreak havoc on the relationship. Again, communication is SO SO important, before, during, and especially after.
ReplyDelete