My relationship with punishment
(please note - these are MY thoughts - and shouldn't have any reflection on your relationship!!)
Now I have new terminologies for BDSM relationships - I think what I most needed/wanted was the "Taken in Hand". I wanted a partner who would always put our relationship first - over everything/everyone else. Who would wrap his arms around me (figuratively and literally) and hold me safe. AND give me space to think things through - to work out my own problems - to be a sounding board ... to support me in my decision.
NOW -- how to handle situations - that will always arise - when there are disagreements... a lot of submissives feel they need punishments - or spankings - or both. I tried that -- had to keep a journal of my misdemeanours and accept my spanking punishments on Friday evening. While it was a way of assuring I would get a spanking - it did nothing for my self esteem. I found myself grinding my teeth and growling 'I am NOT a child!' My background growing up was not one of spankings as punishments nor did I believe in spanking my children to discipline -- so I did not understand a spanking as a way to correct unacceptable adult behaviours.
When I first came to Sir Steve I didn't talk about problems - didn't open up and confide in him - because over many years I had learned it didn't accomplish anything. In the past when I tried to talk I was either ignored - or spanked. There was no concrete steps taken to fix the problem....... I learned to bury it deep inside and try and ignore the problems. Sir Steve wouldn't accept that ....... but he didn't spank me - or scold me - or make me stand in a corner
We worked together to face our problems - his mine ours. It hasn't been easy - but the results are so worth the work!! He has empowered me to deal with the lil one's mother ... not go through him all the time..........I can actually talk to him easier (note I said easier not easy) about things that are rocky between us... and we TALK -- and this isn't a one way street - him directing me - it's a two way street. I have been known to 'scold' him and to make suggestions....... and we struggle to iron things out ... and I am pleased to say we're making progress! even with the tough stuff........ sometimes I worry I might hurt him (as I am sure he worries he might hurt me) but we plow ahead - cause our relationship - our love - is too important not to.
Sooooooooooo
where do spankings come in??
They are way more sensual around here... BUT I think our relationship with spankings will make yet another good post in this series.............
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All those words and I am still not sure I have explained myself well....
in terms of making our relationship work - it is important to me that we both have rights to speak our minds... even struggle to speak our minds... and to be heard! being heard is so important!!
and hugs... touches... god I need to have physical expressions of love ...
IF Sir Steve is cross with something I have done - it is important - SO very important - that I know it is the SOMETHING that has annoyed him.. that his feelings for me haven't changed.
I am an adult -- Sir Steve is an adult -- I believe we are both responsible for our actions.. and because we love one another we will try our damnedest to please the other...... and accepting that neither of us is perfect .. our relationship isn't perfect ... but this is a journey ... together!
I enjoyed reading your thoughts Morningstar. Communication is so important and it's important for both partners to be able to speak their mind. I believe it takes strength to submit to someone and when we had an active dynamic, although Rick was the final decision maker I always had a voice and we worked through things together.
ReplyDeleteAs for spankings, they definitely help clear the air and emotions around an incident, but it's also important to take further steps to resolve the issue (depending on the issue). I'm glad it sounds as though you and Sir Steve have found what works for you.
Hugs
Roz
I think we have a similar dynamic, in that we are BOTH always talking about our problems and it is NEVER a one way street. I call him out on the things that I think he could be doing better, and he does the same. It's never a case of He's always right and I'm always wrong. In fact, he'll be very quick to admit if he didn't quite see something from my point of view, and acknowledge that he might have jumped to an invalid conclusion. And this imo has been probably the most important aspect of our learning to work through issues - that he shows me the kind of respect that has been largely missing in all my other relationships, making them very lacking. The spankings are sometimes sensual (ok, often), but they also serve to reinforce the D/s in our relationship, when it begins to hurt (past the point of sexy fun) and I stay still and submit and he knows I do it for him, that is the reinforcement we get from it.
ReplyDeletethe first time i saw my then virgin bride i needed to smack her cute arse it took two seasons and she was my wife another two to get her over my lap 38 years later she is still my cheorkee princess .so just where do spankings come form could it be LOVE
ReplyDeleteMy Nick believes so much in 'equality' that I could barely get him to spank for fun. He feels he has no right to tell me to do or not to do anything. I appreciate his belief and confidence in me, but it's to such an extent I can feel uncared for. It's like, " You want to do things that will damage your health and shorten your life? Fine, you're an adult. What business is that of mine." And while he's technically right - I could use some strength and support at times. Spanking - or even just the threat occasionally, helps me.
ReplyDeleteI'm with PK on hubby feeling like he doesn't have the right to tell me what to do or what not to do. In his words, "You're a grown ass woman, so you can do whatever you decide." I'm sure that is a healthy attitude to have in a marriage but his theory gets in the way of being an HOH, in my opinion. I'm sure Storm gets upset with me, but he rarely expresses it and thinks that men who express it through spanking all the time are skating a thin line.
ReplyDeleteWindy -- for the record the first thing I learned was NEVER EVER spank when angry... it could land up turning into something much more resembling abuse!
ReplyDeleteI find this topic sounds familiar in terms of issues for myself and others regardless of what sort of equipment resides between the legs of the person who ends up being spanked for whatever reason.
ReplyDeleteDan who runs an excellent blog for "DD" does so from a femdom lens but I think you'd be surprised at how similar the issues end up being to things I've read from sub females.
Me personally? I can say I used to be VERY inclined towards a somewhat 'real' approach to spanking as a serious and genuine approach to actual behavior/misbehavior. Oddly, as the years have clicked by I find myself more 'theoretically' still on board with this but less satisfied with it in real time.
My shift came from feelings that I was working very hard to be the best me I could be. As such, when fault would be found with something I did.....even if 100% true........I began to feel like, "I would rather get acknowledgement for what I did right and less criticism for my faults". This was a huge shift because I certainly did not always feel this way and rather felt very 'loved' by having strict codes of behavior and consequence guiding me.
So we are now somewhere in the middle. Punishments are always an option and probably always will be because both Rosa and I still feel certain issues can still be legitimately solved with a spanking. But this has become more rare and instead, a 'less serious' approach to spanking has grown in appeal.
As you know from my blog I also have a few "friends with spanking privileges". One such person, Nickki, has established a rather solid understanding of being able to spank me with Rosa's approval.....which she always gives. The result is a kind of hybrid "sometimes serious/sometimes fun' understanding between us. For whatever reason, having the blend for me makes the prospect of a real spanking from Nickki a powerful and for lack of a better word, "gratifying" experience.
It's interesting that the things you mentioned resonate with me and yet I find myself seeing so many facets to it all.......even now with the changes I described.
kd - I am a firm believer in positive reinforcement to get positive behaviours. Too often a punishment does little more than instill the belief that the person isn't good enough - isn't pleasing enough.
ReplyDeleteBUT having said that - if it turns your crank (generic your) then go for it.....
Curious here - is it 'the blend' or the thrill of playing with someone else?? In the past I have played with other people - loaned out so to speak - and I always found a thrill from playing with someone new.......
Morningstar: "Curious here - is it 'the blend' or the thrill of playing with someone else?? In the past I have played with other people - loaned out so to speak - and I always found a thrill from playing with someone new......."
ReplyDeleteWell to say novelty isn't a factor would not be honest. It certainly is. But Nickki has been spanking me now for a couple of years and the appeal has not diminished......in fact she just threatened me in the middle of a conversation the other day. And THAT is the main appeal for us both. We were talking about covid and I interrupted her and she just casually mentioned that I cut her off and that perhaps a spanking was in my future. It was casual, genuine, and uttered with complete confidence.
For me, I knew she was right, I had cut her off and that has been a behavior she has corrected me for in the past. Now, what will happen for real? Well, it is just as likely to end up being a threat/reminder not to interrupt. Or it could just as easily be addressed with a trip across her lap. We both know that if that is her decision, Rosa will give her consent and I will end up spanked. Period.
And it's THAT aspect that appeals the most. The fact that this genuine friend of mine can shift effortlessly from someone I'm talking or interacting with over a myriad of topics, to this kind of "big sister" (even though I am technically older) who legitimately catches me in some inconsiderate behavior and like a maternal figure, decides to address it with a paddle.
(I would highly recommend scrolling through some past post on my blog to see how Nickki and I have developed this relationship over time. There is even a post that literally lists all the posts that involve Nickki.)