I'd always thought that HOH and 50's Household - were lifestyles very different from what I wanted. I (obviously) didn't know very much about them...... AND then Windy posted something about punishment and I had to know more.......
I asked questions on Windy's blog and then yesterday did some research (cause that's who I am ) I got a notebook and pen and made notes! (yeah I'm organised like that). Ready to know what I found out??
I have to tell you when I typed in HOH in google I got all kinds of information on filing my income tax as Head of Household...... le sigh..... didn't seem to matter what I typed I got the same links...... tax filing information. Finally I typed in 'BDSM HOH' et voila! Head of Household relationships. I settled back pen in hand and read page after page and made notes !!!
The biggest thing I learned (other than by Google standards HOH is filed under BDSM) is that it would seem HOH is an umbrella for 3 different styles:
'Taken in Hand' :
the HOH makes decisions with the relationship taking top priority and the wife/submissive's best interests in mind
'1950's M/s':
the HOH makes decisions that mostly suit his needs/wants and does not justify his decisions/choices.
'Domestic Discipline' :
HOH holds most or all of the power. There are rules and protocols and disciplinary spankings as well as maintenance spankings given to reinforce the place of power.
Funny thing for me - going back some 20+ years when I was first entering the BDSM world those 3 categories of HOH were what I was told were different styles of D/s relationships. The man who was my Dom back then (and is now known around here in the comment section as 'Ex-Sir') and I started to develop a BDSM relationship that we thought would suit both our needs.... we took bits from the 1950's M/s and Domestic Discipline and combined them into an M/s. I wanted someone to take over the decision making - I spent my working life making all sorts of tough decisions and shouldered a lot of responsibility - when I came home I wanted someone else to take over that responsibility. I wanted spankings too - lots of them.... we fiddled and adjusted and tried to create a relationship that fit our needs (my needs??)
Fast forward a few years....... it turned out this dynamic did not fit my needs - I did not feel safe or taken care of... I wanted my independence - wanted to go back to making my own decisions ... I wanted spankings but not in a relationship... I wanted them on the side like a side salad or plate of fries with my meal. Both my Ex-Sir and I were hurt ... badly... we both struggled with the end of the relationship... but for me it was the healthiest decision I made .. mental health wise.
Life is good when you learn new things and see parallels........
Sounds like it was a good experiment - it wasn't that it went wrong, just that your theory that it would be good for both of you was disproven. On to bigger and better things.
ReplyDeleteI felt the same way - I had been making decisions for my parents, my kids, my students. I just wanted to be taken care of. But we were too firmly ingrained in our patterns to do much changing.
It's funny that we are all so similar, yet we see things in different ways. I hope you'll come by and see what I have to say about it.
Hi Morningstar
ReplyDeleteWhen we first started this thing we do I couldn't even say the word Dom or sub I didn't believe it had anything to do with me I didn't understand any of it to the degree I don't understand it now LOL. ANYWAY about six years ago I met a guy on a forum and we, that is B and I identified ourselves as a DD couple which meant I guess for them HOH -taken in hand type thing. The gentleman I met on this forum informed me that I was always DS and made me think about that. Turns out that really all of those things that you listed what an HOH is and the type of relationships they fall into are all forms of Ds.
Or at least that is what he was trying to get into my head. They all fall under the DS umbrella because you can't submit to a punishment without SUBmitting he can't punished without somebody DOMinating. once I figured out this line of thinking it made it a lot easier for me to accept parts of me I didn't realize we're actually parts of me -for example that I am a sub. Lol!
So gone are the days where I can't say sub or Dom. I embrace the verbiage. I'm forever learning about what makes me tick and what doesn't and I don't even know if that will ever change. I hope not
Willie
Interesting research and reflection on you experiences Morningstar. I think many HoH relationships constantly change and evolve as circumstances, needs and desires change. I know we went through many different 'stages'. Each relationship is so unique and it takes time for each couple to truly find what works for them.
ReplyDeleteFor us there were aspects of our DD relationship that worked well for each of us and others that we each struggled with.
Hugs
Roz
Oh the amount of reading we did at the beginning. I first came to the D/s world through reading about the TiH relationships on the internet. That didn't work for us because BIKSS isn't keen on the punishment thing. He also recognised that I would probably not be able to accept it given our strange not-living-together circumstances. So we tweaked the relationship and the D/s until we found something that worked for us. When we DO have fights the resolutions are one based on equality, with fair amounts of logic and reason. However it does work for us in the sense that my default setting of "attacking" my partner to make myself feel justified (it's a lousy but familiar defence mechanism) is no longer given space to rear its ugly head, and instead I'm able to keep in mind the basic tenets of respect and kindness.
ReplyDeleteAnd it's kinda embarrassing (I'm a bit ashamed of myself) that it takes a D/s r/p for me to afford him that kind of grace and generosity - the space to be heard and the freedom to speak, without me yelling and hollering and shutting him just so I can *win*.
But anyway, sorry about the long essay LOL. good luck on your research!
Hey Morningstar,
ReplyDeleteI did go over to Windy's post and LOVED it. So much to learn which really is what I wanted from blogland, people to teach me what I kept thinking I wanted. Turns out, I do want it and the Sheriff is kinda willing and trying so very hard. That is interesting research you have there. I wonder how much more we can learn from each other?
Hugs,
Boo
p.s. my apologies for spelling errors (I noticed in my comment on your last post), I need to proofread more!
I'm glad you got out of that unhealthy relationship.
ReplyDeleteStorm is always very concerned about not shutting down my voice. He's never done that, but he is extremely careful not to go there. That sometimes gets in the way of the times where he truly should spank my butt!
Love the interaction here. Hugs, Windy