Feeling Safe

There have been some changes around here -- and we all know how well I deal with change!

First I have been looking for part time work -- subbing to be exact.  It has taken a lot for me to interview for jobs.  After 30 years you think I would have a little more confidence in myself ...... in myself as an educator.  But I don't.  I got one job -- and actually subbed for them on Monday.  Then yesterday I interviewed at another school that morphed into two schools and both hired me.  So now I will be subbing at 3 different schools and that should keep me nice and busy.

Then Hands' shift changed.  He is working 4 days on and 4 days off....... three months on days and 3 months on nights.  He starts nights this Saturday.  I know CG is anxious about these new hours/shifts and I know that CG comes first.  I haven't wanted to say anything about my own levels of insecurity about these changes to Hands.  I don't want him fussing over me.  Yesterday we were chatting -- and I mentioned how weird it felt -- felt like it should be a Sunday....... and Hands said "We'll work it out" ... I told him I didn't want him fussing over me and his answer was "It's my job to fuss" ..... and immediately I felt better.  I know -- in his quiet, unassuming way -- He will take care of this -- that my needs will be met and so will CG's.

It really is wonderful to know that I am safe under his care...... I can try and let go of some of the stress ...... that my life will fall into a routine ....... 

Changes are hard for me -- but with Hands and CG in my life I am learning to trust and that is a very good thing!

Just a Joke -- come on !!

The very first gift my grandson opened on Saturday was an onion.  Yes you read that right an onion..... a real live onion.

The look on my grandson's face made me feel sick to my stomach.  The folks involved in this private joke were laughing........he looked from one to another trying to figure out what was funny.

It was explained to him it was just a joke and he kinda smiled and handed his mother the onion.  Then we went on to opening the other gifts.

As is my custom -- I posted the pictures on facebook for family and friends.  I didn't notice that the onion picture was included.  A friend questioned the onion and I made a snarky comment about it being an onion....... the other grandmother got all bent out of shape and commented saying it was just a joke!!!!!  

There must be something really wrong with my sense of humor - ya know...... 'cause when it is an in-joke and the target of the joke looks uncomfortable I see that as a form of bullying.  AND when it is trusted adults in the child's life doing this ....... it just makes me sick.

Maybe I should wrap up a couple of Christmas presents all glittery and nice -- and just plunk some coal inside....... wonder if they would find that funny?!

(ok stepping down and putting my soap box away) 

Family and Friends Weekend

I had a good trip down to Montreal over the weekend to celebrate the 'baby' grandson's 7th birthday.  In a message I sent to Hands after arriving, I said I had forgotten how loud / noisy my family was!!   And busy -- my god they are busy -- there is always someone coming or going from the house.  Honestly I don't know how my daughter manages -- though I am sure life was pretty much like that when I was raising my children.

The birthday boy had asked me to buy him 3D Qixels.  Last year he had asked for Qixels -- a new toy on the market at the time.  The kit comes with the smallest little bricks you have ever seen -- you join them up a bit like Legos then spray with water and they glue themselves together.   He loved that set and when he heard they were bringing out 3D Qixels he had to have them.  So 'Grandma' found a set and he was thrilled. 

On Sunday morning he had to pull it out and make one Qixel before I left.  I have to say I was VERY impressed with his fine motor skills, and his patience.  I took pictures that don't really do it justice -- but take a look.... 


this is a picture of the assembly stage.....

and here is the finished project........... 

Once I saw the "dog" completed I loaded up the car and drove a third of the way home and stopped to visit an old friend for coffee.  We had a great time chatting and getting caught up on each other's news...... and promised each other we would stay in touch.

Whether we actually do or not -- shrug -- it doesn't matter -- it was good to see him again and reminisce about the old days in the Montreal BDSM community.

I arrived home just before the Grey Cup game (Canadian football), changed into my pjs and snuggled up with Miss Ashes the prissy cat and thoroughly enjoyed the peace and quiet.

Now it's time to get back into routine ..... I am more than ready for life to return to normal.

Sunday Sentiments

Wonky Day

Yesterday should have been a joyful day dontcha think?  But it felt a whole lot more like sub drop.  

I guess that's what can happen when you are running on adrenaline for a couple of days and then it just stops........ dead stop.

Everything felt surreal in the morning..... thank god for CG who let me ramble until I was rambled out.  Then I went for a long walk in the misty cold air - hoping it would clear my head.  

Then I drank more coffee....... 

And had a chat with Hands.........

 And finally I felt like I had my head back.

Then (completely forgetting it was Black Friday - did I just say I had my head back?!) I decided to go out to the shops and wander around.  Dear Lord -- if there's one thing I HATE it's crowds..... and there were crowds in spades!!!

I couldn't wait to get back home to the safety and quiet of my lil apartment.  

It was some time around dinner time that I actually realized it was Friday - it felt like Sunday -- AND I realized I was leaving for Montreal today.  UGH!  that got my brain functioning -- wrap birthday presents -- pack a bag -- get organised.  

(and if anyone's interested -- I'll leave a Sunday Sentiment in the queue for you all and should be back posting like normal on Monday)

So yup yesterday was a wonky day....... 

Best News Possible

One year cancer free!!!!!!!  That's right the test results were negative.  It's my first year cancer free.  4 more and I am in full remission.  For now I am celebrating one year!!

I was very spoiled -- Hands drove down and picked me up and supported me....... and hugged me close when the results were in. 

CG is busy planning a celebration that will involve wine  -- lots of wine -- and cheesecake :)

Life is good and looking so much better !

Tough Day

Today is a tough day.  It is the day before I go back to the hospital for my cancer test.  After 3 years you'd think it would be easier.  But in 3 years I have never gone a full year without it coming back.  And the worst part really -- I have never had any symptoms.... even 3 years ago when they discovered the first large tumor.

I need to be distracted today -- so I am going up to visit CG and the kids -- and as an added bonus.... Hands will be around as well.  I will spend a few hours with them -- play with the kids -- have lunch -- and for a few hours not have to do the "what if's" 

I feel very blessed to have someone like CG in my life.  She said to me last week -- when we were talking about this test -- that she was sure everything would be fine -- and if it wasn't -- they were right here to pick it up.

And -- if it was clear -- then a celebration was in order with wine.   Here's to a celebration with wine!

I won't post tomorrow -- at least until I get home from the hospital.  Keep a good thought for me ..........

Through the Looking Glass

Yesterday was such a weird sort of day........

I think it started Sunday night after Hands left.. I was cold...... to the bone cold.  And I had the worst case of the munchies.  

Monday I woke up to snow and more snow -- I went through the paces of getting things done from home that needed to be done.

I was still cold and still starving -- and on top of that I didn't want to be near anyone or talk to anyone.  I was so very glad I lived alone.........

Honestly I felt like I had stepped through Alice's looking glass.

Nothing about the 'day after' was like anything I have been through before...... I didn't rerun our private time -- I didn't check the bruises -- or poke the sore spots.  It was like I was in some weird state of animated suspension.

By mid afternoon the coldness had improved -- and I had lost my voracious appetite.  I snuggled under a blanket on the sofa and napped and watched silly made for TV movies.

By last evening I was able to do some processing.  I have snippets of our private time that don't look like me at all!!!  (small smile) In my memories I was a bossy bitch -- if I was -- I am thinking I am lucky to be alive.  I realized that a lot of my reactions were similar to being stoned (yeah yeah I used to smoke up -- hey I was a product of the 60's) I am left thinking my endorphins must have been really high....... what else could it be??? I am pretty sure my name isn't Alice and I didn't step through the Looking Glass.
 

Overflowing

After too many weeks of feeling a bit isolated this weekend filled me up to overflowing.

On Saturday I went to a munch and got to visit and catch up with friends after a long absence..... even got to touch base with a couple who were so instrumental in my healing after I left W. And of course I sat with Hands and CG.  There was a fair amount of teasing/joking and "throwing under the bus" (I DO have to learn how to do that better -- I SO owe CG!!)

On Sunday -- despite the ugly snow - Hands came for some private time.  It had been 6 weeks -- and to say I had become desperate is an understatement. I had so many things I needed to talk to him about -- too many -- and some were forgotten ..........  I need to make a list !  Honest!!  Mostly we covered the important stuff -- but there were a couple of things I totally forgot till he had gone.

And I had so many needs to be filled - and they were -- mostly.  

When he was getting ready to leave -- I grinned at him as I pulled my less than sexy flannel pjs out and was putting them on..... He grinned at me and I explained I was done!  I needed to curl up and not move for a few hours.

I cycled through every emotion possible last evening -- starting with missing him before his car had even left the parking lot -- to hurting -- dear god my body hurt -- my muscles screamed -- and then I felt the warm glow of happiness -- and basked in the joy of  knowing how lucky I am to have Hands and CG in my life!

This morning I have some nice bruising -- perfect circular ones (grinning in CG's direction) that I know are caused by the tips of his fingers.  I definitely have 'no poke' zones -- but best of all I have a full heart.

Sunday Sentiments

And who knew my 'recesses' were so deep or dark

Empty Box

Did you ever think an empty box was a good gift???

I watched a sappy movie last night whose plot was based on an empty box. 

So often -- especially with Christmas coming up -- we think about all the stuff inside the wrapped boxes.  BUT what if the box was empty.......... what if we were supposed to put things INTO the box -- things that are important to us -- things we hold dear to our heart -- wishes and dreams.........love and family and friends.

Would that empty box suddenly be the best gift we ever got? 

Bouncing

I'm still here I promise!

It's just I seem to have so many thoughts processing right now and I can't sort them out to make any sense.

I want to post something about "privilege" -- being one of the "privileged" ones......... 
I want to post something about mental tension -- sexual tension -- about needs and wants and 'brain fever' -- about masochism and so much more.

But I am scattered and frustrated that I am scattered
so hang on -- I always come out of these vague over stimulated under satisfied states.......... 

and when I do -- the words and thoughts and feelings will flow again.......

True

Doing what feels right.......

My eldest said something to me after my birthday about finding a job - part time - work from home sort of job.  It has been rolling around in the back of my head.  And then one day I just sent out a slew of my CV's and promptly forgot about it.

Last week I received a job offer -- well an offer to interview for a job.  It was for child supervision before school and after school...... split shift thing -- work 7 to 9 in the morning and 3 to 5:30 in the evening.

I thought at the time how perfect -- I can still go to the gym, schedule appointments...... and best of all make some money.

Yesterday was the job interview.  

It went well.  After 23 years of working with kids and academic BS I had 99% of the answers at the tips of my fingers........knew all the politically correct answers.  And let's not forget my enthusiasm for children and cheeky disposition.

By the end of the interview I knew it had gone well -- they seemed impressed and all but offered me the job -- though they do have one more interview on Wednesday.

Sounds good right?

Except

While I was sitting there answering their questions and wowing them with my creative ideas, my educational philosophy, I kept thinking about being tied to a working schedule again.  And I knew that it wasn't what I really wanted.  I spent 23 years being at school by 7 am often not leaving before 5........ pulling activities out of the air -- solving disagreements and handling bullies and parents -- filling in all the daily paper work ....  and the meetings........... ohhhhhh the dreaded hated meetings!!

It's just not me anymore --- ya know.

So when they asked me if I had any questions I hesitated for a bit knowing that what I was thinking -- what I was planning on saying -- was probably gonna blow the job offer.

But I asked my one question anyway...... 
Did they ever use or need substitutes?

The look on the Admin's face was priceless.  Her jaw dropped.  She said that yes they always needed subs -- they had 8 educators off just today -- BUT she insisted the pay wasn't the same at all -- it was $2 less an hour.....

I nodded and said that yes I understood that....... and I really appreciated them considering me for the job -- BUT -- if I didn't get it -- would they consider me for sub work.  She said emphatically YES -- but went back to extolling the virtues of the permanent job.  

I nodded -- and smiled -- and repeated that I would of course accept any job they offered.............. and just let it hang there........ She said if you had a choice subbing or full time what would your FIRST pick be.  Without hesitation I said "subbing".

So I probably blew the chance of a full time job........ and I think a few people think I am nuts.  What I want -- really want -- is to be able to play with kids -- have fun with none of the responsibility ........ and make a few dollars at the same time.  

Now I must order up yet another police check and get booster vaccinations.  And perhaps even send out my CVS to more places offering up my services as a substitute.

Quiet

I realized last night I went the entire weekend and didn't speak to anyone -- I mean use my voice -- unless you count talking to the cat.  (dear god am I becoming the crazy cat lady???!!)

It was a strange sort of introspective weekend.  My cancer re-test is coming up in about 10 days.  I am hoping/praying that it is negative..... that would make it one year cancer free.  I have never made it past 6 months -- so I am really praying.  One year cancer free would be something worth celebrating ya know?  

I was thinking about Christmas - and whether I should bother to pull out all the decorations.  I don't think I'll have a party this year....... so who would even see all the work??? And I am going to Montreal to be with the kids for a few days over the holidays.  BUT to not decorate??? Needless to say no decision was made this weekend.

I was missing Angel.  She and I used to spend so many of our weekends doing something..... even if it was only drinking coffee in my living room.  Our friendship just sort of dissolved....and I mourn the loss of yet another relationship that meant the world to me.

I did a lot of thinking about politics.  Seriously how could one not after Tuesday's election in the States.  I don't 'do' politics... mostly cause I am pretty jaded about the whole government thing.  I haven't said too much anywhere about the elections - mainly cause they weren't "our" elections and I don't think I should voice my opinion.  But I was thinking this weekend how politicians always lie to get the votes -- and seldom if ever follow through on their promises.  Trump certainly knew what part of the population in the States to talk/preach to didn't he??? Wouldn't it be interesting (for lack of a better word) if he is like all the politicians who went before him -- said what was needed to get the vote and it really doesn't mean a thing?  Only time will tell.

AND I thought as I sat alone and watched the semi-finals of the CFL (Canadian football) that I was very glad it was Sunday night and the weekend was almost over.  I have a few things on the agenda this week - lunch with friends - visit with my therapist - winter tuneup on the car......... and so the introspective weekend came to an end.

Sunday Sentiments

Disillusioned

I have been more absent from Fetlife than I have been present.  It's been a slow fading away.... and not a new thing for me.  I seem to lose my fascination with the noise that shows up as the written word over there. Mind you, in all honesty, I am not much of a social media person.

Over the years though I have watched feuds develop, bullying, sentimental clap trap, velcro collars (being collared one week and free the next) and mild hysteria over predators.  I have wrinkled my nose -- and bit my tongue. (ok ok I have from time to time voiced my opinion -- being the mouthy sub I am) I have also watched with some curiousity -- the new ones who show up and gush all over my feed.  I place bets with myself how long they will last before they go POOF in a cloud of smoke.

I have also watched with some dismay the changes in the community that I left behind........ clubs closing -- friends going private - that sort of thing.  

I have become disillusioned with the quality of Fetlife which is one of the reasons I am more absent than present.   But it wasn't a big disillusionment until the other day.

I stumbled across a comment about someone I have always respected....... followed that comment to other posts and was gob smacked.  A Top was accused of ignoring limits, of inappropriate behaviour.  I have played with this Top.  I went back over the play times.. examined closely what transpired -- asking myself did I miss something -- about him about his play........ and my answer was 'no'.

BUT this is not some accusation with no foundation.  The Top actually admitted to this. AND apparently it is going to court.

I sort of felt like someone told me there was no Santa Claus.  I mean if HE could screw up this badly ....... 

so yeah colour me disillusioned ........... totally and completely.   

11/11

Terrible Awful No Good Day

Yesterday was a terrible awful no good sort of day.  It started at 5:30 am with me over reacting.... continued at noon when I took my car in to be serviced for winter to find out the garage was closed and they didn't bother to notify their customers ......... and then I got a message from some a**hole on Fetlife that said

"wow 66 and still going I am impressed???!!"

that was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.  I just sat and cried.  I have been feeling old as it is.. over the last 2 years or so there have been a few people who have made cracks about my age...... but this birthday has made me feel really vulnerable -- and OLD.  This crack pot on FL just sealed the deal.

I tried positive self talk - didn't work.  

It was a terrible awful no good day!

Fantasies Becoming Reality

I have found - over my years in this lifestyle -- that I have had more than one fantasy.  Mostly these fantasies were based on books I had read or movies I had seen.

I rarely shared my fantasies.  Some of them made me feel like a 'bad' girl - others just were too far fetched to come true.

There was one fantasy I remember clearly.  I had just seen the movie The Secretary.  There was a scene where he clips her wrists to a spreader bar that was positioned behind her head, wrists at ear level.  I suggested to W it would be fun to try that.  He obliged me.  The next time he came - as soon as he walked in -- he clipped my wrists to a spreader bar so that my hands were at ear level.  Then he handed me his coat to hang up and walked into the house.  It took me forever to get it on a hanger in the cupboard and when I turned to walk into the house I couldn't walk through the door frame without turning sideways.  Needless to say it didn't take long for me to beg to have it removed.  AND I remembered the old saying "be careful what you wish for".

Now here I am many years down the road from that fantasy and another one is dancing around my reality.  One that Hands is encouraging.  One that he has been working me towards.  One that he has been teasing me with.

Now it is more a dream than a fantasy.  It IS going to happen - I know that for a fact.  I have been fantasizing about it - dreaming about it.  And in some ways that dream is turning into a nightmare.  I flip flop between sheer terror and desperate want.  

The clock is ticking ............ the waiting is killing me.

Excitement

Have you ever wondered what people do when they are retired for excitement???  Yesterday was a very exciting day for me ..... I ironed my dining room table.  

No I am not losing my mind or going senile -- shame on you all for thinking that!!

The problem with my table is it marks easily.  I put table cloths on it -- hot pads -- anything and everything to protect the finish.

BUT things happen and marks started to appear.  White marks.  I knew they were water marks / heat marks.  I tried every product known to man to remove them with no success.

Now I am retired I have all sorts of time to find a cure for my dining room table.  I googled it and have tried just about everything that it suggested....... except for one...... iron the marks.  

Yesterday as a last resort I brought out the iron.  

This was the first mark I worked on..... 

the instructions said to put the iron on dry -- hot and just iron the marks.  I didn't much like that idea so I put a towel down first.  

After a few minutes of ironing the table I pulled back the towel to see if it was working

I was encouraged so I continued on......... 

And the end result...........

Now I just have to work on all the other spots ......... but I'll save that excitement for another day.  There's only so much excitement I can handle in a day! 

Busy Weekend

My busy weekend started on Friday.  I went out to see CG and the kids.  CG and I went off for a lovely lunch and to have some 'girl time'.  It felt like it had been forever since we did that -- and when I was looking in my calendar for something I saw that the last time we had lunch was back in September........ so it had been forever!
We had lots of laughs and teased each other about throwing one another under the bus.

I am definitely not as good at tossing under buses as CG but am working on it....... I am wondering if she actually cleaned the fridge out on Saturday afternoon -- and tossed the "evidence" (so to speak) 

Then Saturday afternoon my girls and their families arrived to celebrate my birthday.  They had told me not to worry about lunch they would bring sandwiches.  

We used to have a family tradition of Chinese food on birthdays -- and I told you about my love of bought birthday cakes with roses....... 

Well wouldn't you know it -- they all arrived together with bags and bags of Chinese food ............. and ........ 
a bought birthday cake complete with roses 

We had a wonderful visit  though it felt too short.

Of course Saturday night we turned the clocks back -- and Sunday was my coping day.  The time change always throws me for a loop......... and just like a kid - I think I was over tired and over stimulated from the visiting so I felt weepy and sorry for myself...... a bit like sub drop in a strange way.

But I am not complaining -- would do it again in flash - it was fun to be so busy and surrounded by my family - both chosen and blood.