Vanity thy name is Woman....

 

 I grew up watching my mother slather on face creams and lotions.... literally - I used to sit on the floor outside the bathroom and talk to her while she did it.  It used to take her forever!!  morning and night.  BUT she had beautiful skin... may have been partially genetics but I believe it was the care she took of it too.

So during my life time I have tried all sorts of cleansers and face creams and lotions.  Finally giving up on the expensive companies and settling on drugstore offerings.  My hit and miss ministrations must have had some effect as folks do not believe my age when I tell them.... usually assuming I am about 10 years younger than I actually am. (ok ok my energy levels probably help) 

BUT last summer all hell broke loose with my skin.  Dry does NOT describe how bad it was.  I had rashes appearing on my forehead... if I ran my hand around the edge of my face I felt sandpaper ...... my eyebrows - dear lord - they looked like porcupine spikes!! sticking up and out from my face.  I've been blessed with nice eyebrows - nicely shaped without having to tweeze - nice colour - BUT now they were ugly!! and it wasn't just my face - my whole body was drying up and flaking off.  and itching!!!  

A friend told me her dermatologist recommended CeraVe .. I bought vat sized CeraVe and slathered that sh*t on my whole body and FACE night and day. I had some relief - but not much.  

THEN as if it couldn't get any worse......... brown age spots started to appear on my face!  I  was devastated... (yes that sounds dramatic - BUT it's the truth - I was devastated!  I am almost 20 years older than Sir Steve - I did NOT want to look like an old crone when I was with him!! vanity is real!)

A couple of months ago on my feed on Facebook - I read an ad for face treatments.  They offered a month's supply of your choice for free.  AND they promised not to automatically enrol you in their program.  Curiosity won out and I clicked the link.  First plus was it was a Canadian company.  I browsed through their packages - settling on their treatment for extreme dry skin......... I started to fill in the forms.... waiting for the required credit card number.  It never came up.  They shipped their product and it arrived in less than 10 days........... AND it was totally free - no tax - no shipping!   I started using it...... at first I thought it was a pain - cleansing - treating - moisturizing and once a week I was applying 2 masks - first a glycolic peel - then a hydrating antioxidant mask.  I did notice that my skin seemed to be less dry........ was there hope?

I decided to place an order for full size product - it was easy peasy and still no automatic renewal .......... YAY!!  (Can you tell how impressed I am ??!!)

This morning I put all the creams lotions and masks out in the bathroom.........

OMG!  and I believe I'm not high maintenance?? (grinning) It takes almost an hour just to do the masks - then cleanse and moisturize BUT I am seeing a small improvement..... my skin is soft again - no sandpaper!  My eyebrows are lying flat again - no more porcupine spikes.  As for the brown spots? the wrinkles?  I'm not expecting a miracle.... and they do say it can take months for the age spots to fade ........ who knows maybe they'll fade a little bit.............

As for that vat of CeraVe - I'm using that on my body....... it's slowly moisturizing again and isn't as itchy or flaky.  

BUT I can't help musing on what we women do in the name of beauty - or is it pure vanity?

Living Proof

 

 I think I shocked a few people yesterday - I know I shocked Sir Steve (a little bit)

I did take the picture down.........
but there was a part of my brain that went 'it's only a body part'...... it isn't dirty.. or disgusting (not in my opinion anyway)  It is just a body part - with pretty jewelry.. jewelry !!  that's what I see when I look at that picture -
J E W E L R Y........ shrug

Maybe it's true... you lose filters the older you get.. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday - and the promise of 2 days of freedom

On Growing Old

 (not a particularly happy post - but it is truthful!)

 

I look in the mirror and dear god I don't see ME looking back - I see someone old.. with age spots and wrinkles and gray hair.  It's a shock you know? cause my brain says I am maybe 50.... maybe!!  But my reflection says old lady.

This decade that I am in  is really a "I can see the end of the road from here" and that is a scary place to be.  Logically I see 10 maybe 15 good years ahead of me  -- if I take care of myself.... 

I wonder some days if Sir Steve really thought about what he was getting into ..... hooking up with someone who is 17 years older than he is.  Yes you heard me right - 17 years older!!!  (and if anyone calls me a cougar I will slap you silly!! )  See I didn't really see the age difference....... until this year...... did the math........ and asked myself 'what were you thinking??!!" WHAT THE HELL WAS HE THINKING??!!

I am angry -- not because I am old -- but because I feel as though so much of my life was wasted.  Some days I feel a little panicky -- I don't want to waste one precious minute.  I keep feeling if I don't get stuff done today I may not be able to do it tomorrow....... everything from reading books - to eating foods - to sex .... oh dear god !!  I want to have sex every single day........ and spankings ...... I want to fill every day with all the 'stuff' I love/crave/desire.  BUT especially want to fill my days with Sir Steve - fill his mind with memories...and love  - enough to last forever.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my Sir Steve - for loving me enough 

On Growing Older

I was remembering - the other day - my 30th Birthday.  I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and looked at my reflection....... my hair was long and in 2 braids and I was shocked... I thought 'oh my god - I have to grow up now!  I am 30!!"  I went out the next day and got my hair cut off and permed and came home looking like my mother.

The next birthday that hit me hard was 50 - the big 5 0 ....... 

BUT truthfully those birthdays weren't that old ya know?!  

Two years ago I got a new doctor - he talked about getting me healthier -- giving me more healthy years........... now I all see in the news is talk about seniors and how the medical profession is trying to give them more healthy years........ life expectancy doesn't count as much now -- now what counts is getting more healthy years 

I am older than my father was when he died -- and in one year I will be older than my mother when she died of breast cancer.  

My next birthday in 8 months is another big one -- a really big one -- it scares me this birthday.  I keep wondering how many healthy years I have left.......... and deep down inside I wish I could turn back the clock -- back to that 50th birthday .. I would change so much......... 

Sometimes reality bites.

Old -- just plain old

Last night as I climbed into bed I realized I was exhausted -- more than physically tired -- mentally and emotionally 

The other day Sir Steve said 'you only have the lil one for 3 hours a day by yourself -- that's not too much'.  And he's right -- in numbers it isn't too much. But in between those hours I am cleaning the house ... baking.. making meals... planning meals... doing budgets... buying the groceries....doing the laundry....and now planning for the weekends at the campsite -- what foods we need - what clothes -- what little things need to be purchased........... 

Twenty years ago I did that and more -- working full time.  

But twenty years ago I was 20 years younger. 

And this weekend I discovered my youngest daughter is bent out of shape -- because according to her logic -- her birthday is never special.  never not once.  We'll just forget all those kid birthday parties I did for years and years..... or all the birthdays I drove 3 hours to attend and turned around and drove 3 hours home.  We won't discuss the fact that this year she went on a cruise for her birthday only arriving home on her birthday. 

Now eldest daughter is bringing up all the times she didn't feel special -- when her feelings were hurt.... and me -- the Mom -- I just keep nodding and saying I understand you are hurt..... 
Anyone want to take 1 minute and remember all the times I was ignored -- left alone -- and not made to feel special??? I keep thinking -- 'suck it up buttercup -- that's life!' But it's all draining me - and making me feel like the worst mother EVER!

Sir Steve has asked more than once over the last few days what he can do to help....... 

But he works long hours and is exhausted -- I am not going to add to his day.

I'm just getting old........... forget 'getting' .......  AM old.

Terrible Awful No Good Day

Yesterday was a terrible awful no good sort of day.  It started at 5:30 am with me over reacting.... continued at noon when I took my car in to be serviced for winter to find out the garage was closed and they didn't bother to notify their customers ......... and then I got a message from some a**hole on Fetlife that said

"wow 66 and still going I am impressed???!!"

that was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.  I just sat and cried.  I have been feeling old as it is.. over the last 2 years or so there have been a few people who have made cracks about my age...... but this birthday has made me feel really vulnerable -- and OLD.  This crack pot on FL just sealed the deal.

I tried positive self talk - didn't work.  

It was a terrible awful no good day!

Surprise

ok - honestly I didn't expect to be back so soon!!  HONEST!!!



It's just I got thinking yesterday about something Angel and I have talked about - getting older - and I had said "I should blog about that".  So here I am - already!

 Ok - so a few weeks ago Angel and I were at an educational thingy and one of the folks said that they were trying to squeeze as much as they can into every day cause they are getting older........... (like there is some magic number when it all just ends abruptly!)

I went "mmmmmmmmmmmm" because I am a good 10 years older........ how to make me feel old with one sentence!!!

I used to struggle with 'growing older' and feeling sorry I hadn't lived my life differently - been more adventuresome ... been more of a rebel...... thrown caution to the wind 

I remember doing a bit of a rant on Fetlife a few years back after someone made mention of my old age.  I ranted that one day - god willing - that person would be exactly where I was and I sure hoped people would be kinder to her about her advanced age.

I have had play partners mention my age ........ not all that delicately either.  

I have NO intention of giving in to a number - cause ya know what - basically that's all it is -- a NUMBER!

For those of you who are new here - I have had two different bouts with cancer going back 7 years (in fact I go for my bi-yearly scan in May) and if I learned nothing from that - I learned no one can know how many numbers they will get to chalk up on the great calendar of life.

I made a very conscious decision 10 months ago to whip this body into shape.  So I lost all that weight and go to the gym every day - I even face the "monster weight machines" because I am NOT going out without a damn fight.  

And because of the health issues - I get thorough check ups regularly and even the doctor says my health is getting better - my body stronger - as I age.

I have always said "I suffer from the 'Peter  Pan' complex" - I am NEVER growing up!! 
Hell I got my first tattoo at the age of 50 - and the other two over a 6 year period.  I was pierced 10 years ago.  I never thought I was too old to do it..... I just did it!

It's all in your attitude.  IF you think you are old - then trust me baby - you are going to be OLD.  IF you think young - then you will BE young.

I may have grey hair
I may have wrinkles
I may have scars
I may not be able to kneel for hours at someone's feet
but none of that is going to stop me!

I want 'em all asking "what is she up to now?!"   

or better yet........... 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

oh and before I forget - IF I actually do run out of words I'll post a "meme" thingy I collect just to fill the space for the day or two........... cause it's pretty obvious to me - I am far from running out of words (grinning)  

Older Ladies

I have had a weird sort of week - more than once there have been comments made about getting older - being more mature etc.  

Funny thing is - my body may be aging but in my head I am still 30 something (ok ok sometimes 5 - grinning at Daddy Dom) 

Found this video on Facebook and it just seemed appropriate for this morning's blog entry!!!

Havin' fun

I used to have a plaque that hung over my desk with the above saying on it  - a reminder to myself.

Between one thing and another the plaque went missing and  I had forgotten how to play..... there were responsibilities and wounds and illnesses - and I just forgot how to play.

This morning - in the early morning darkness sipping my first cup of coffee - my heart felt full ....... I had a grin on my face -  I am learning how to play again - how to laugh and tease and have fun......... thanks to good friends - old and new.

Life is improving  --- dare I say Life is very good :)

Put that rocking chair at the old folks home into moth balls for me will ya?? I have too much playing to do

Stupid Me

It has been pointed out to me - more than once - that I tend to see the world through rose coloured glasses.  Shrug.  Maybe I do.  BUT you'd think wouldn't you that when one tries to do everything right - follow the rules - that they will come out ok - wouldn't you??

Well I worked for 20+ years and put money into what I thought was a private pension plan.  Then when I started to look into retiring I was told that because I worked for the government - that when I turned 65 my government pension would be subtracted from my private pension - which it turns out - the government did NOT consider all that private.  What that means in a nutshell is that come October my pension will be reduced by $200 a month!!!  It made me sick to my stomach then....... more so now.

Then - polishing the rose coloured glasses - my dream had been to move to Kingston when I retired.  My father had done all sorts of research and decided Kingston was the best city to retire to........... it has good hospitals (which one needs when one is "getting on")  it has theater ... it is half way between Montreal and Ottawa and Toronto ......... the taxes are cheaper ........... oh he made it sound like a retirement heaven.

W picked up on MY dream and decided we would move to Kingston (back when we were D/s).  Oh we talked about it in our vanilla voices........ even made promises to each other........... we sorted everything out....... I had my rose coloured glasses firmly planted to my face.... and it all seemed perfect!  I would get to move to my city of choice with the man of my dreams.  

Did I think twice about it?? NO...
Did I do any of my own research in case the promises... the D/s didn't work out ?? NO...


 NOW - I decide to take the rose coloured glasses off and look at what is facing me.... 


IF  - and it is just an IF right now - I have to find an apartment by myself I can't afford it.  Well I could find an apartment if I went to the student ghetto.....but finding a nice apartment in a middle class area - is going to be almost impossible.  
The rents are exorbitant.  To try and make ends meet I will have to give up the gym..... give up munches and dinners out - give up cable (well I might be able to afford basic cable) - maybe have to give up my car (have you seen the price of maintenance/licensing/gas these days??) AND even then I am not sure I will be able to make ends meet.  Am I looking at finding a part time job when all I wanted to do after 30+ years of working was enjoy retirement??

I only have myself to blame!  Dumb and dumber... that's me.  All the "should have's" sitting on my shoulder whispering in my ear........ should have put more money away - should have looked into rents/costs on MY pension - not my father's - should have not sold / gotten rid of all my stuff when I downsized to move here to W's house - should never have put those damn rose coloured glasses on in the first place!!!

It's really frightening how damn stupid I have been !!!!

  
 

Skid in Sideways

This morning I read a very good article written by a very young woman entitled a Letter to Icarus.  In it she talked about throwing caution to the wind....... flying too close to the sun and plunging to close to the ocean.... Living Life to the fullest - rather than taking the safe middle of the road approach.

I sat up and read it again.  My god - she was describing my life.  I have always tried to please someone - definitely not myself. I have always tried to not rock the boat - to dress conservatively - to behave politely - to be totally and completely socially acceptable - blend in and not stand out.

Know what my wildest dreams have been for many many years??? to wear red and purple together - to hike my skirts up (yeah I know what skirts I never wear skirts) and show off blinged out running shoes.  I have wanted to wrap brightly coloured silk scarves around my neck ....... and short neck be damned!  I have wanted to party late and sleep late - and dance as though no one was watching.....

After reading the Letter to Icarus this morning I asked myself "what are you waiting for??"  I don't know what waits for me around that corner - but I do know it is way past time for me to plunge forward - round that corner and see what karma has waiting for me...with the following as my new mantra:

"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a ride!" 
by Hunter S Thompson.  

Sex talk to myself

I have a problem.  My woman's bits and pieces have dried up.  So the doctor told me.  And is the reason I bleed after sex.  The doctor talked me into using some estrogen cream once a week to re-vitalize my womanly bits and pieces.

 I didn't really want to.............. it made me angry I guess.  I went through menopause without any HRT because of my fear of cancer.  And here I am happily sitting on the other side of that fence - safely through menopause - and now I need hormones.  Doesn't seem fair to me........... honestly it doesn't.

No one talks about this drying up process - shriveling up in my mind.  Growing old and just shriveling up.... good for what???  

The other problem is - my womanly bits and pieces may be drying up - but my desire - my need - has grown stronger.  Now that makes sense right??? Shrivel it all up - make it useless but let the body still crave it.  Yeah - some big joke on me.

That is not to say it hurts to have sex - it doesn't.  But bleeding for days afterwards is not much fun............. bit of a turn off to be honest.  

Anyway I have been on the cream for 3 weeks now and the other day I asked for permission to masturbate.  I got it...... and I did it... and .. lo and behold I didn't bleed.  That was a pleasant surprise.

But masturbating is not like it used to be........... cause now W is around .. and it embarrasses me........... and it doesn't help that W tells me not to make too much noise.  So when I did it I was as quiet as a church mouse...... but the vibrator sounded loud - like a giant cement mixer........... and when I asked / joked the next day about whether or not I was quiet enough.......... W said he heard me.  and I just kinda dried up inside.  Not the womanly  bits - but my soul.

W doesn't use me for sex anymore - and masturbating is now embarrassing - so now I am wondering do I really need this damn estrogen cream anyway??? Maybe if I just don't think about it... my need.. my desire will dry up like my womanly bits......and that will be the end of it.  

Old ... dried up....ugly ... not desirable/sexy anymore... 

(shaking head)

 just not a very pretty picture in my mind.

Not alone

Maybe I should have called this blog "What a Difference a Day Makes". .... cause it does.  Yesterday I was feeling old - with no future ahead of me.......... Today not so much.

Yesterday  "sixofthe best" commented on my entry saying ".I am 80 years old"!!  I have seen his nick around the blog sphere from time to time but didn't know anything about him and as he doesn't appear to have a blog ... couldn't do any "research" on him.  But hearing that there was someone that much older than me out there - still spanking - still enjoying it lifted my spirits!!

Then today I noticed that Spiritual BDSM  had done an update (they don't update too often - more's the pity) so I went to check it out.  There was a picture of Serfina and I realized this was an older couple too!!

I realized that W and I are not the only "older" couples out there still doing BDSM - still enjoying it - still thriving.  I think I needed that.  Here in Kingston they are mostly 30 somethings - who do tend to look at us as OLD ... not only look at but tend to semi-regularly remind us we are OLD.

So I am feeling better.

I still intend to continue to develop my inner eccentric......... because... I think deep down inside... I have always had this separate personality - dying to come out and play.......Definitely time to let go of upbringing/good graces and start to feed and nurture this inner being.

"And miles to go before I sleep".
 

Finding My Way

Growing old is the pits.  It's not what I imagined - not even a little bit.

The alternative (they tell me) is worse

BUT the alternative is what looms in front of me.

There is a small part of me that wants to "wear purple"  - to become eccentric - to be the old lady everyone whispers about...................... 

I do NOT want to "go gently into that good night"...........

BUT am struggling to find the way.............




 

What's next??

Well the decorations are all down (though not packed away yet - I HATE crawling into the crawl space to find the boxes and bags - le sigh)

I decided to take my Fetlife account and make it "dormant".  I really have had my fill of the nonsense there.  AND more than had my fill with folks telling me how old I am.  

I don't feel that I fit there - some days I wonder where do I fit??? (retirement adjustment I guess)

Tidying up - sorting out - throwing out - making ready for the new year I guess............

On growing older

Over the last couple of years I have noticed a slowing / drop of interest in sex.  I LOVE sex - have ever since I hit my 40's but suddenly the love ........ interest...... has started waning - until ............. there is none.

I don't know for sure when it happened -  I just know I have it now.  AND when we try .......... it hurts.  And I bleed afterwards.  Now I like (used to like) rough sex.  It used to turn me on - to be grabbed by the hair and bent over the counter - or the table - or whatever and feel W forceably enter me - YUM!!  And when all was said and done - my juices would be running down my legs puddling on the floor.

Somewhere along the way - it stopped........ the puddling........ the wetness.  It just stopped.  WTF???!!

Back in October when I was bleeding after sex I didn't think much of it....... cause ya know it happens sometimes.  BUT the next time W was more gentle - slower and more cautious and still I bled afterwards.

I know bleeding at my age is NOT a good thing.  I called my doctor.  She saw me - she listened to my stumbling blushing description of what was going wrong.  I was scared that the "abnormal cells" that had gathered in my uterus some 5 years ago were back.  I was ............... AM............. scared.

She talked about other problems that could cause the irritation she was seeing (when she peered inside me) and she tested for 3 of those problems.  The tests came back negative.  That quickly whittled the problem down to two causes - the abnormal cells again - or something called vaginal atrophy. 

She gave me a prescription for estrogen - not in pill form - but suppository form.  I balked.  Hell I went through menopause and all the joys it brings - without taking one damn pill for HRT.  and now??!!  Now I have to take estrogen??!! not just take it - but put it right up inside me - against the cervix - melting close to the uterus that had those "abnormal cells".  The more I thought about it the more scared I became.

I called her office back.  Could I please have a referral to go back to the doc that treated the abnormal cells.  Yes I wanted a second opinion.

Wednesday I was scheduled to see that doctor.  I won't go into the massive screw up and incompetency that prevented me from seeing that doctor........... that resulted in my having to wait another month - till Jan 8th !!!  

In my research into "abnormal cells" and vaginal atrophy - the one common theme I am finding is that women do NOT talk about "post menopausal" problems.  What the hell is wrong with us??!!

Men can't get it up - they run to the doctor for the magic blue pills.  We??? we hide in our minds and pretend we can live with this new stage in our lives.  AND each one of us who gets to this point in post menopause - we don't talk about it....... so each and everyone of us feels as though we are the first and only one to suffer from whatever this is........

I always thought once I had paid my dues and survived menopause - life became more care free ........... and sexy .......... and all my dreams/fantasies could come true.  WRONG! so very wrong.  

In frustration on Wednesday night I told W I was gonna fill the damn prescription for the estrogen.  I was gonna use it and see if all my problems disappeared.  On Thursday I came to my senses.  Am I honestly ready to use a drug that is known to cause cancer ........... especially since I was so close to that only 5 years ago???  and you should know once I start using it...... from what I understand...... I don't stop using it..... oh I can cut back on how often I use it - from 3 times a week to maybe once a week..... but unlike the lil blue pill - I don't use it just when I want to have sex..... nope doesn't work like that.   

In the light of day I realized I would rather wait another month and see the doctor ........ and get a second opinion.   I want to be damn sure I have this vaginal atrophy and not "abnormal cells" before I start using chemicals in my body. 

Growing old is like crossing a mine field - you never bloody well know when something will silently go click - and you will be left standing like a deer caught in the headlights wondering what to do next.............   

Discouraged

I have had another outbreak of my "tummy problems".  It started on Monday and just won't give up.......... despite my  going back to clear liquids and soda crackers.  Despite my NOT having (really) cheated on the strict diet.

The pain is probably the worst part - it doesn't matter how I sit - or lie - or stand - or walk - the gnawing pain in my gut is always there.  I have doubled my meds - again! and despite having had virtually no solids for 48 hours I still have tummy problems.

I am discouraged.

W and I have a party to go this weekend - actually two parties.  I kept thinking what a great way to celebrate the end of the year............. but now I am faced with this - again!! 

I certainly don't think I could bear wearing a corset for an evening -steel boning pressing into my lower gut - BUT ... I can't come up with any alternative.......... it's where my mind set is I guess........ corsets = play party.  What the hell did I wear before I had corsets??? god only knows 


I did some research - colds/viruses can aggravate the problem - so can Tylenol - stress can aggravate it...... so maybe it isn't something I ate this time.......

And because I am me..... I can't help but feel W is getting damaged goods :(  and it seems so damn unfair - ya know.  He deserves more - WE deserve more - we have waited so long for this time........ and now ....... damaged goods.

What a great way to start my summer holidays........... discouraged

Endings

The picture above caught my eye because it said "endings......... waiting" (well that's what I saw/read when I first glanced at it) and I thought that pretty much describes my life right now.... I am waiting for the endings............ 

But then I read the faint writing and realized it actually said " Endings are just beginnings waiting to happen"........... and it seemed a whole lot less scary and final.......... which I really needed to change my state of mind........... 

You see.......... my lil PreK out on the Island is going to close this June - after 20 years of being there.......... being a rock for the community ........ being my pride and joy... being the thorn in my side ... and of course being my impetus to learn/master accounting/math.

I have tried everything even resorting to begging........... but there is no small corner to rent anywhere.............. AND......... as I really only wanted to keep it open for one more year... 2 at the very most .......... it is time to let go .. to close it down....... to say goodbye.

Then after many years of talking about it........ W's house is going on the market this week.  He is selling and moving away...... 3 hours away ...... he is worried too about this ending.......... He has always lived (60 years of living) in the same town .......... and he is pulling up roots and moving away.  It really is a daunting proposition for everyone who does it - but more so for him ... after so long............ 

Then I am left working out my last 20 months or so alone.......... marking time till I will put my house on the market and follow him........... leaving my home town of 60+ years - my family - my job - my security and all that I know.  

The hardest thing for me is leaving the security of my job.........knowing every two weeks a pay cheque would arrive - and I would be set for the next two weeks.  I have crunched numbers till my brain hurts...... I have seen a financial adviser ........ I have stressed and cried and pulled my hair out - but the facts are the facts......retirement is going to be tight.............. 

On the plus side - cause ya know - if you look hard enough you will always find some pluses........... 
W and I will be together 24/7.......... in a lovely lil house that we will buy together...... 
We are already finding and setting down roots in the BDSM community in our new city.
I won't have to be crawling out of bed every morning before the sun rises 
I will be able to finally start taking my photography classes
I will be able to clean my house during the daylight hours and do laundry and baking and cooking like civilized folk....... and care for my W the way I have always wanted to...
AND (cheeky grin) I won't have to buy clothes cause W says I will finally be naked all the time ...... (of course the heating bill for the house will be bloody high - I don't "do" cold........ )

And so we are starting the "Ending" and preparing for a brand new "beginning"......

Is it possible?

I have reached an 'age' - the one where you start seriously thinking about retirement.  

Oh they tell you you should think about it in your 20's and 30's... but I didn't.  I sure as hell didn't.  I was too busy raising my kids - starting a career - then starting out on my own.  

I have always joked that I would be working till I was 100.......... it was funny when I was in my 40's and 50's.  Now - not so much.

 I read - somewhere on the net - that one should have 1,000,000$ saved for your retirement.  Yeah you read that right ..... ONE MILLION dollars.  I am not even close.

I have been crunching numbers.  I have signed up for a workshop on retirement (at work).  I have been juggling figures till my brain hurts.

It's all gonna work out though....... because I have W... and W has me... and we have plans.  Oh we don't have the hen that laid the golden egg.. we don't even have a golden egg.  BUT we have each other.. and together is the best place to be.

(un)Believable

We had a day trip planned on Saturday - run up to our Nation's Capital for a workshop on protocols and rules - attend the play party following said workshop and come home.

But the gods conspired against us.  On Friday I woke up feeling less than stellar - and then snow moved in.  On Saturday I woke up with a whooping good cold and a snow storm raging outside my window.  We opted to stay home and attend a munch instead.

Which - as it turns out - was a smart move.  The snow that was supposed to stop around mid-morning continued on through mid-afternoon.  And the cold that should have been manageable landed up knocking me flat late afternoon.  Thankfully we were close enough to home that W ran me home - I took a hot bath and went to bed. 


Yesterday I spent the day snuggled under blankets in my pjs using salt water nose spray and taking cold pills.......... all to no avail I might add.


I don't know when yesterday - but at some point I decided to check the "stats" on my blog ...... (I was bored) ........ and I was surprised to see how many people had found my blog by searching for "protocols" and " rules".  Usually the most interesting search that lands people up here is "pussy torture" ............ of all the posts I write.... of all the BDSM philosophies I rant on about - pussy torture is what brings folks here.  Perverts I tell you.. Perverts !!  (cheeky grin)


Until yesterday of course.  And it made me stop and wonder.  How coincidental that we were supposed to be going to a protocol workshop and my blog gets hit over and over and over again with searches for protocols.  

It also made me stop and think how anyone can be an expert on just about anything in this lifestyle........ hell even me.  

OOOOOOOOPs - let me explain that a bit better.  I am not saying I am an expert .... I am saying that because I write it people come and read and some will go away thinking I am some sort of expert.  Nah......... not even close.  I read a lot... I attend workshops.. W and I have tried protocols ......... and from all that I write my experience.... my opinion..... my thoughts... It certainly does not give me any major expertise on the subject.  

Mostly what I have read / learned on the net about protocols and rules boils down to one main sticking point with me.  The Dom is GOD and the s-type is mere chattel.

The opening line on a handout to the dominants from Saturday's workshop was "I am God".  I gagged.  I choked.  I bit my tongue.  I also wondered how well I would be able to behave with that sort of attitude.  GOD?? really??? aren't they setting themselves up for a mighty fall???

I was hoping that there would be some concrete - realistic views on Domination and submission.  Like what happens when the Dom can't get it up anymore so blow jobs and forced sexual intercourse isn't spontaneous anymore - more planned - like a date night?? When the economy hits and Doms lose their jobs???  What happens when the submissive's bones get old and don't bend and flex like they used to and kneeling becomes less than graceful and more like torture getting down and getting up again??  When the sub becomes the main bread winner??? When LIFE happens?!

Ahhhhhhhh it would seem that we are all still wearing rose coloured glasses.  Doms don't make mistakes ..... don't age..... and submissives are forever youthful and graceful and yielding.

I remember a coffee klutch meeting - once a long time ago - where drakor W and I discussed what happens to old Doms and subs?? Do they have an old folks home for us......... where the Doms sit on the rocking chair rocking and if a sub wants her ass spanked she lines up in front of the Dom and He holds the cane at the right height and angle and with each rock of the chair his cane would impact with her old ass. 

And that to me is as believable as Dom's being Gods and s-types being mere chattel.  Maybe one day (soon) I should write protocols for the every day BDSM couple..... write it in an authoritative manner and who knows - maybe I will land up being some guru on protocols.  

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Well it would seem (I just checked some stats again) that the masses are back looking for pussy torture - le sigh.