Tired

I'm tired today - to the bone tired. 

I have gone back to the gym -- after intermittent attendance  -- I am back 5 days a week and it's killing me.  Oh I know after a couple of weeks of this my body will adjust and I will be fine....... but today i am tired.

Yesterday I met up with Hands and CG for an early dinner.  It was good to see them again -- and catch up on each other's news.  We even made tentative promises to organise a date for dinner with Sir Steve.  I would really enjoy that ya know -- to have two of my dearest friends meet my oldest friend.

But for today my brain aches ......... so I will end here and share this with you ....

 

Gold Star

12 hours to complete the ramped up tasks assigned by Hands.

BUT I did it !!

I won't say it was easy -- cause it really wasn't...... but his final words to me were "if you don't complete them - I'll just ramp it up again"  and trust me when I say I knew he would and dear lord I didn't want to see the ramped up version of the ramped up version!!

He didn't exactly give me a gold star -- cause ya know i should have done what I was told the first time.  In fact when I asked him if I was out of the doghouse -- his response was a simple "did you do your tasks?  Then you don't need to ask" 

That's who Hands is no nonsense -- get the job done -- kind of Dom.

And that -- I am learning -- is a very good thing!

In the Doghouse

ya know -- there are submissives who delight in getting into trouble ........... and as much as I can be bratty - I never deliberately set out to get into trouble.........

Even yesterday -- it wasn't my plan............ 

BUT.........

Hands had set 2 tasks for me two days ago........they were to be completed by 5 last evening.

I didn't feel like doing them -- I was feeling very sorry for myself on many different levels........ I tried to do the first task -- and it didn't go exactly as planned.  And that made me even more pissy.  

And I still had one more task to complete.

The crappy mood didn't evaporate -- in fact it just got worse......... so I didn't complete task 2 -- and to make matters worse I touched something of Hands' that I wasn't supposed to.

Now I could have lied -- but that's not who I am....... so I honestly reported how the tasks went.  

It's funny - CG had warned me that Hands would never give me a 'pass' -- she warned me what to expect if I ever tried it

I seem to have a memory problem..........

When Hands got my report He called me to chat immediately.  He was not a happy Hands.  And he reminded me that excuses were never acceptable.  And he 'upped the ante' so to speak.  And I have 12 hours to complete them

And the weirdest thing happened........ Hands put his foot down and immediately I was grounded ....... and feeling cared for ......

As weird as that sounds  it is a very good thing!

New Years

My luck improved over New Year's and I managed to get up to visit Hands and CG on New Year's eve and share their New Year's feast with other friends and family.

After dinner Hands suggested we exchange our gifts for each other .......... and I was more than surprised by their choice of gift for me........ 

  
Yes that is a knife :)  It was a huge surprise as Hands doesn't do knife play but knows how much I love it.  He has a friend (well it's my friend too) who does knife play so hopefully soon I will be going off to visit the scorpion for some knife play with my Christmas present 

There was some hope that Hands would manage to get down to visit me after all the celebrations were over -- but CG has picked up a bug.  

This winter won't be too long right??? Nicer weather will mean no road closures and no flu bugs and maybe private time will get back into a schedule.

Maybe?

 My resolve cracked the other night -- I sent Hands an email and opened up a little bit about how much I needed to see him.  He surprised me by answering it (he doesn't usually email -- he prefers chat) and told me he was striving to see me before New Year's eve.

So yesterday -- as it was snowing and the car still had one thing left to fix -- I figured Friday was going to be the day I saw him for private time -- if at all.  AND I decided instead of sitting around on my hands all day fussing and wondering -- I would get busy and make him homemade Quebecois onion soup.  

Truthfully it's one of the foods I miss here in Ontario -- good traditional french onion soup.  And as luck would have it Hands loves onion soup... Ontario style.  I am looking forward to having him compare the two soups -- I am betting Quebecois onion soup will win hands down....and earn me some brownie points -- cause he told me yesterday I have racked up some major "sassy points" 

With any luck (ok ok with a LOT of luck) tomorrow I should be posting we managed to get some private time and the results of the soup tasting. 

Climbing the Walls

I knew Christmas was gonna be hard -- what with all the family obligations......... but Hands had said we would have private time as soon as possible after Christmas........ 

Only thing is ...... on Christmas day his car broke down and had to be towed to the garage.  

He has been very good at giving me play time -- but ya know -- there is only so much solo play time I can take.  I feel like I am drained trying to come up with scenarios that will arouse me -- and interest me. There's nothing left inside me ....... I am drained dry.  I so desperately need our private time.

I have asked when.......... and have been told He'll work it out...... but I am not known as the world's most patient person........ I am quite literally bouncing around -- trying to keep myself occupied so I don't ask again.......BUT the week of holidays is quickly coming to an end.......

I am climbing the walls and that is not a good thing.

Christmas Past

I am home again -- and there really is "no place like home".

Some Christmases are definitely better than others 
Some Christmases are definitely more stressful than others
Some Christmases I feel like a BIG Grinch........

What I need right now is to feel grounded again... I don't think anyone can fully understand how important it is for my sanity to be grounded.........

When I am feeling lost and hurting I need to feel the touch of his hand -- feel the burn from a spanking -- feel his strength -- feel his calming nature work it's magic on me.............. 

seeing him would be the best Christmas present ever!

Christmas Theme

So despite my mixed feelings over the weekend -- I did have a plan...... 

My girls have been begging me to make "grandma's Christmas sandwich cookies" (that would be MY mother -- not me) 

They are not my favourite cookies to make -- they sure aren't a drop by a spoon onto cookie sheet and bake type of cookie.  No they are more a knead and roll out and cut with cookie cutter kind of cookie -- and take about 3 days in total to make.

I usually make one batch or about 2 - 2 1/2 dozen..... and they never make it past Christmas dinner.  This year my eldest daughter told me the only thing she really wanted for Christmas was a batch of the Christmas Sandwich cookies all for herself.  So I decided to make extra......... that was last weekend ..... the baking part.......... 
(almost 240 cookies = almost 10 dozen sandwich cookies) 

This weekend I had to sandwich them together with strawberry jelly (not jam cause the lumps of strawberries tend to make the cookie layers slide about) 

Then each sandwich cookie had to be iced with a white buttercream icing.

And then the icing decorations had to be added -- and I am the first to admit -- my decorating skills leave a lot to be desired and the finished product looks nothing like the above picture of professionally made cookies...... but mine are made / decorated with love which makes up for my lack of artistic skills.

I always add holly and red berries... for some reason I couldn't find my cake decorating set -- so bought a cheap one.  GOD !!  never again!!  It was next to impossible to get the plunger thing to work -- and I have bruises on my hand and fingers from trying to push the icing through the piper head........

AND on top of that -- my apartment building holds a Christmas dinner for everyone every year.  Saturday night was the dinner.  I didn't feel much like going even with a free turkey dinner, music and door prizes.  BUT I decided to force myself to go..... and dressed in the spirit of the holidays.......... 

Trust me when I say I raised more than a few eyebrows in my get up........ well with the women -- the men didn't seem to mind much at all.....  

Sunday I spent quietly -- I had planned on making a couple of cinnamon bread loaves -- but I have 4 days this week to get that done though I am working four mornings..... ahhhh well if it doesn't get it done no one's the wiser -- the Christmas sandwich cookies were the only real request for the holidays :)

AND before I forget -- I did get a message from Hands on Friday night -- with a very firm task requirement.  I bitched a little bit -- but truthfully -- it felt wonderful to know he wanted me occupied this weekend -- with thoughts of him........ makes a girl feel appreciated ya know? and that is a very good thing ! 

Time of the Year

It's almost Christmas ....... the busiest time of the year.

And my absolute favourite time of the year!!  

So for the next 10 days I am gonna talk about Christmas...... and I'll understand if you groan and come back after the 25th.. I will honestly!!

I know I showed you all the craft I made -- my Santa sleighs.  I put them under the tree and mixed them in with the presents... and was sitting here last night thinking how pretty it all looked especially my sleighs....... 

And then -- being me -- my mind wandered  -- back to last Christmas season and a sweet young submissive who put a candy cane in her mouth and tempted me .. taunted me... dared me to take it out..........  I was such a good girl a year ago!

and then -- I had been perving pics and gifs of Christmas to share with Hands and came across this  candy cane one.........

I couldn't help but wonder if a candy cane would be anything like a ginger root butt plug............ but then I don't know what a ginger plug feels like either .......... 

Mind you I have a whole box of candy canes left over from the Santa sleighs..... who knows -- maybe I'll share them with Hands and see what he comes up with......... 

Yup -- it's that time of the year and I am in my glory!

Last of the Naughty Girl List

And the most difficult ......... 

I know I have hinted at anal play before this -- how it was important to Hands -- how - because of that importance - I worked up the nerve to talk to the doctor about my ability to participate (because of past medical issues) -- and how Hands has had me 'practicing' during my 'play times'.

Hands has sent me gifs of anal play -- and created a fantasy of it for me.  It changed from being taboo to something 'hot'.  It changed from being something overpoweringly painful even to contemplate to something sensual and something I crave to fully experience.

It has made me want this 

for him......... 

So the saying is true -- at least for me ....... 

"The difference between a good girl and a naughty girl is that good girls are very selective who they are naughty with ......... "

Tasks - Naughty Girl List (contd)

One of the obstacles that Hands and I had to overcome was the distance between us.  and our busy lives.

To try and keep us connected, every once in a while, (in the beginning) Hands would tell me to masturbate.  (actually he called it "play time") and I would call those times "tasks" here on the Continued Journey (that was the 'good girl's' way of handling it)

In between times I would masturbate without being told..... but I thought to myself -- I want him to know how often I need to masturbate.  I assumed -- like so many before him -- when he discovered how strong my sex drive was -- it would drive him off -- it had happened over and over before.  Which just proved to me that something must be wrong with me!!   So I told him I was going to ask for permission to masturbate every time I needed to -- and if he was working he didn't have to answer -- but I wanted him to know.

Well a couple of things happened ..... 
1 - was that now I have no desire to masturbate unless he tells me to and fortunately he's pretty damn frequent about play times -- and doesn't accept excuses not to....
2 - it gave him a chance to introduce me to anal via the internet --  making me start playing with myself -- without him being here. and help me deal with the taboo nature of it -- and my total fear of doing it.

ohhhhhh and there is one other thing that has happened 
3 -  before - masturbating was just a 'taking care of business' sort of thing -- now Hands will push my limits a little bit -- and add some twists to the play time -- for example adding nipple clamps -- or clothes pegs -- or more than one play time over a period of time.

Hands hasn't run from my sexuality -- if anything he has encouraged it and pushed it.  He has always said my orgasms are for him whether I am with him or not.. and the more I have the happier he is.

What an amazing transformation that has created in me -- now I am not ashamed of my sex drive -- if anything it is growing ........ and that (I am learning) is a very good thing!

Busy Bee

Today is gonna be short and sweet.

I have had an amazingly busy week so far.  I worked Monday to Wednesday in the afternoon.  In the mornings I either ran messages or did Christmas baking.  AND Hands gave me a 'task' to do on top of it all. (not that I am complaining!!)

Wasn't I complaining just a short while ago that I was dying of boredom?? 

And I will confess to you all -- I have reached a point in my "naughty girl list" that is difficult for me to write about ....... the 'good girl' is having difficulty finding the right words.......... but I will get back to it.........

Now I am off -- I am working an early morning shift today...... and then off till Monday.

Naughty Girl List (contd)

Before, when I was collared, I wasn't allowed to wear underpants.  It made me feel very uncomfortable and embarrassed.  Changes happened -- and I started to wear them again -- without a thought.

Hands worked very hard to make me start feeling comfortable with my body -- with my self image -- with my sexuality.  I remember the second time we had private time together........ I decided to wear a cute lil dress but no underwear.  I can still see Hands' face when he ran his hand up under my dress.  My heart nearly stopped.  I thought he was shocked -- I thought he would think less of me.

We didn't talk about it for a long time.  Then one day - in a moment of weakness - I asked him if I had shocked him that day.  He just gave me this wicked grin of his and said 'not at all'.  

Since then I never wear underpants when we have private time...... it makes  me feel sexy.  I was wondering why this time was so different...... and I realized that because Hands encourages my sexuality -- enjoys it -- and pushes me to fully accept it myself -- that not wearing underwear is actually a huge turn on. 

When Hands says he wants me fully accessible to him it is not just words.  He means it.  And he takes full advantage of my accessibility.  What a difference from before -- when mostly I felt invisible!!  I never feel invisible with Hands -- I never feel I should repress my sexuality -- I am learning how to be a naughty girl for the right man.  

And that is a very good thing!

Naughty Girl List (contd)

On Friday I posted my thoughts on blow jobs here.....

What I didn't realize -- what I had never been shown -- ever been taught -- was -- there is more to blow jobs than just sucking cock.  (or there can be) 

Those not on the 'naughty list' might be asking "what else can there be?"  

Playing with his balls!  Sucking his balls!  Who knew?? Certainly not me!  I was brought up to believe that a male's balls are untouchable........ tender little snowflakes that react badly to touch.

Imagine my shock when Hands told me to suck his balls the first time!!  Turns out it is something that men enjoy.... I did NOT know that!!  It seemed wicked -- and definitely very naughty -- and a bit dangerous.  I was terrified I would do something that would hurt..... damage them .... send him screaming from the house.

Imagine my awkwardness the first time ...... 
here I am faced with two balls hanging in front of me ... He said "suck them" but as I looked at them -- I couldn't imagine fitting THAT completely in my mouth -- they wouldn't fit!!

That first time I did the best inexperienced job I could -- but trust me -- the next week I was googling everything I could find on the subject.  For the right man I want nothing more than to please.......... so I googled!

And when we are together -- I practice.

I didn't get discouraged...... after all - practice makes perfect right?!  I googled some more...... I even went looking for some gifs/porn to demonstrate......... 

I won't say I am perfect -- hell I am probably far from perfect...... but I must be doing something right -- cause Hands hasn't stopped my practice.

And now the nervousness about the whole thing has eased -- I am actually finding it 'hot' ....... and very 'naughty'!

Hung Over

Ok -- first this blog is late because........... Hands and CG came for dinner last night........ and because CG and I had planned a celebration with lots of wine and cheesecake ........ I bought the above HUGE bottle of wine -- and CG brought another one........... AND we did a damn good job at polishing them off.

AND I forgot today was NOT Sunday (I did have a Sunday Sentiments queued up and ready to post) 

Once I had managed to focus my eyes -- stop my head from spinning -- AND got one cup of coffee into me -- I thought I had better post something... 

As I was writing this I realized it is just more proof how I earned 73% naughty on that meme I took.  You see the "good girl" NEVER drank -- well maybe a glass of wine -- but my wine consumption was measured in glasses not sizes of bottles.

It's just another piece of the new me -- the naughty me 

Porn anyone?

When Hands and I first started chatting/negotiating he asked me if I ever watched porn.   I gave my "good girl" pat answer.... 'Nooooo never!'

From that point on -- every so often Hands would send me pics or gifs of sex acts.  I cracked under the pressure and told him I had a confession to make -- yes I did on occasion watch porn -- and rather liked the gifs he sent me and where could I find them.  He happily obliged me with some urls.

And that began the back and forth teasing between us.

This was one of the first gifs I sent him -- tentatively and worried sick he would think differently of me.........

One of my favourite (naughty) things is giving blow jobs.  BUT I didn't know how hot it could be... until I gave Hands a blow job.

Before.... when I did it..... the guy didn't get hard ...... and when I would look at him he was watching television....... my efforts obviously having little effect on him.
Then later on when I tried with another guy -- it felt like he was doing me a favour. 

BUT with Hands -- he was very into it -- always watching me -- sometimes wrapping his hands in my hair and directing the speed and depth.  (and believe me when I say he went deep -- cheeky grin) Feeling him grow hard in my mouth started to wash away the negative feelings I had learned.

Hands' acceptance and encouragement began the new positive self talk -- the start of a new more sexually confident me. 

Feeling Safe

There have been some changes around here -- and we all know how well I deal with change!

First I have been looking for part time work -- subbing to be exact.  It has taken a lot for me to interview for jobs.  After 30 years you think I would have a little more confidence in myself ...... in myself as an educator.  But I don't.  I got one job -- and actually subbed for them on Monday.  Then yesterday I interviewed at another school that morphed into two schools and both hired me.  So now I will be subbing at 3 different schools and that should keep me nice and busy.

Then Hands' shift changed.  He is working 4 days on and 4 days off....... three months on days and 3 months on nights.  He starts nights this Saturday.  I know CG is anxious about these new hours/shifts and I know that CG comes first.  I haven't wanted to say anything about my own levels of insecurity about these changes to Hands.  I don't want him fussing over me.  Yesterday we were chatting -- and I mentioned how weird it felt -- felt like it should be a Sunday....... and Hands said "We'll work it out" ... I told him I didn't want him fussing over me and his answer was "It's my job to fuss" ..... and immediately I felt better.  I know -- in his quiet, unassuming way -- He will take care of this -- that my needs will be met and so will CG's.

It really is wonderful to know that I am safe under his care...... I can try and let go of some of the stress ...... that my life will fall into a routine ....... 

Changes are hard for me -- but with Hands and CG in my life I am learning to trust and that is a very good thing!

Through the Looking Glass

Yesterday was such a weird sort of day........

I think it started Sunday night after Hands left.. I was cold...... to the bone cold.  And I had the worst case of the munchies.  

Monday I woke up to snow and more snow -- I went through the paces of getting things done from home that needed to be done.

I was still cold and still starving -- and on top of that I didn't want to be near anyone or talk to anyone.  I was so very glad I lived alone.........

Honestly I felt like I had stepped through Alice's looking glass.

Nothing about the 'day after' was like anything I have been through before...... I didn't rerun our private time -- I didn't check the bruises -- or poke the sore spots.  It was like I was in some weird state of animated suspension.

By mid afternoon the coldness had improved -- and I had lost my voracious appetite.  I snuggled under a blanket on the sofa and napped and watched silly made for TV movies.

By last evening I was able to do some processing.  I have snippets of our private time that don't look like me at all!!!  (small smile) In my memories I was a bossy bitch -- if I was -- I am thinking I am lucky to be alive.  I realized that a lot of my reactions were similar to being stoned (yeah yeah I used to smoke up -- hey I was a product of the 60's) I am left thinking my endorphins must have been really high....... what else could it be??? I am pretty sure my name isn't Alice and I didn't step through the Looking Glass.
 

Fantasies Becoming Reality

I have found - over my years in this lifestyle -- that I have had more than one fantasy.  Mostly these fantasies were based on books I had read or movies I had seen.

I rarely shared my fantasies.  Some of them made me feel like a 'bad' girl - others just were too far fetched to come true.

There was one fantasy I remember clearly.  I had just seen the movie The Secretary.  There was a scene where he clips her wrists to a spreader bar that was positioned behind her head, wrists at ear level.  I suggested to W it would be fun to try that.  He obliged me.  The next time he came - as soon as he walked in -- he clipped my wrists to a spreader bar so that my hands were at ear level.  Then he handed me his coat to hang up and walked into the house.  It took me forever to get it on a hanger in the cupboard and when I turned to walk into the house I couldn't walk through the door frame without turning sideways.  Needless to say it didn't take long for me to beg to have it removed.  AND I remembered the old saying "be careful what you wish for".

Now here I am many years down the road from that fantasy and another one is dancing around my reality.  One that Hands is encouraging.  One that he has been working me towards.  One that he has been teasing me with.

Now it is more a dream than a fantasy.  It IS going to happen - I know that for a fact.  I have been fantasizing about it - dreaming about it.  And in some ways that dream is turning into a nightmare.  I flip flop between sheer terror and desperate want.  

The clock is ticking ............ the waiting is killing me.

Sexual Tension

Hands and I average 1 private time every 4 weeks or so.  I have noticed by week 3 I am starting to get a bit antsy.. but for the most part it's doable.

Except......... 

For some reason this past 3 weeks has been 3 weeks of tension building.

On Saturday Hands and CG came for dinner -- to celebrate in part my birthday and His (which is next weekend).  It was a good dinner -- with lots of wine and laughter........... After dinner CG and I took our usual spots sitting at Hands feet while the discussions continued.  

There was a lot of verbal teasing -- and touch teasing -- and oh lordie a whole lot of fodder for my fantasy world! (did I mention there was a whole lot of wine?!)

Saturday night's sleep was dream driven.......... 

Sunday I felt like I would jump out of my skin.  A little hung over (did I mention there was a whole lot of wine?) over tired and over stimulated .... Sunday was a snuggle under the blankets -- binge watching Netflix kind of day.  

That is until I dropped a very big hint to Hands of my skittishness.  His answer was simple -- two tasks to be performed before the end of the day. 

I hate it when he's right ........ but it did take the edge off and sleep Sunday night was much better with less dreams.......... 

Now it's just a waiting game until the stars align again and Hands and I can have some good old fashioned private time.