Saturday, April 30, 2016

Sometimes it's just BAD

Sometimes - rarely - but sometimes I just free fall from an endorphin high into a darkness that is so dark - it's hard to find the ground.  I limp around blindly trying to feel the ground under my feet - trying to feel 'solid' again - trying to get past the bad hurt that is sometimes left - a physical pain that reaches deep inside me with nails drawn and squeezes and twists -- a metaphorical pain that tears my soul into pieces and leaves me feeling very lost and very alone - and very scared...... questioning myself.

I search my mind for something - ANYTHING - that will make me a solid again - that will help the pain ease - help me find the grounding I so desperately need.  I run lists of things through my head - things every sub learns when they are new - hot baths - chocolate - comfort foods - hugs - gentle loving sex.............. but the bottom line is no one can fix the darkness - take the pain away - heal the physical pain.  Time will heal it - eventually.

BUT in the meantime - you have to bang your toes in the darkness - grind your teeth through the physical pain - cry oceans of tears through the emotional pain... 

Until you see a small light at the end of the tunnel - and you slowly start to move towards it - painfully - slowly - step by slow step................ 

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