Details

 

 

This morning when Sir Steve was kissing me good-bye - his hands were massaging my bum..... and I yelped.  Apparently I have 2 hard bumps on my ass - deep tissue bruising.  And it brought back memories of Sunday afternoon hanging from the rafters.

It started off like any spanking starts I guess..... BUT then Sir Steve had the blue suede flogger and he deliberately wrapped it - making sure to catch my nipples - both at once - and I gasped......... I had forgotten how accessible my body is to him when I am standing....  He used to have to kick my legs apart - but now it is instinctive... I stand with my legs wide apart - making sure he has access to all parts of my body (if you get my drift).  And the floggers would hit between my legs catching my clit jewelry making me yelp and stand on tippy toes... and of course the flogger kissing my breasts/nipples... but it also allows Sir Steve freedom to grab / pinch / pull any and all parts of my body...  

He used to have to say 'assume the position' which meant bend and stick your ass out ... now it too is instinctive... legs apart ... ass out... partially bent.... hanging... feeling the strike of the paddle or the flogger or the quirt.......... melting into each hit....

AND the familiar tingling in my belly - feeling the tingling build... feeling the pattern/rhythm of the strikes... feeling those hits building the orgasm......... then like a wave hitting a beach - the waves of an orgasm wash over me.........

When Sir Steve unclipped my wrists - the pain!  shooting down my arms... then pins and needles - and then trying to find my legs.... all details I had forgotten from before... 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday was an off day - I ached and felt a little sad.. and had no energy... what was wrong with me??!!  Later Monday evening when Sir Steve and I were sitting on the back deck having a cigarette - I asked him "do you think I have sub drop"  and he assured me that was exactly what I had...... sub drop.  It had been so long.... I had forgotten the signs/symptoms...... AND even sub drop felt amazing!  Familiar ... and missed...... part of the cycle of a masochist.   

All amazing details........ love is definitely in the details!

Sometimes I screw up

Sometimes i screw up - shock shock!! morningstar screws up?? Say it can't be!!

Seriously it's probably my ego that gets me into trouble.
morningstar has an ego - Say it aint so!!!

Sometimes I think my words can explain - or help to explain - some common happening in BDSM........ sorta like my bit on sub drop on Saturday.
(screw up - putting my innermost feelings OUT THERE)

I do frequently read about subs suffering through subdrop - and they sound alone - much like my post did on Saturday - and so I write something from the heart - and put it out there - so anyone can read - and know they aren't the only ones.
(ego - thinking my words might help someone) 

The thing some people don't get is that 1) by the time a piece goes up here -- the angst/confusion/pain/whatever is generally over...... or almost over - and I am fine - moving forward.

I am thinking - after the firestorm from Saturday's writing - that I will take my ego and my emotional writings and keep them to myself........ I DID learn one thing from Saturday's post - I do NOT handle being under a microscope well - AND I don't have any answers!  (well not for anyone BUT me!!)

AND just to clarify - I do NOT do sub drop like that all the time - in fact - most of the time now I don't do sub drop at all........
 
 

Sometimes it's just BAD

Sometimes - rarely - but sometimes I just free fall from an endorphin high into a darkness that is so dark - it's hard to find the ground.  I limp around blindly trying to feel the ground under my feet - trying to feel 'solid' again - trying to get past the bad hurt that is sometimes left - a physical pain that reaches deep inside me with nails drawn and squeezes and twists -- a metaphorical pain that tears my soul into pieces and leaves me feeling very lost and very alone - and very scared...... questioning myself.

I search my mind for something - ANYTHING - that will make me a solid again - that will help the pain ease - help me find the grounding I so desperately need.  I run lists of things through my head - things every sub learns when they are new - hot baths - chocolate - comfort foods - hugs - gentle loving sex.............. but the bottom line is no one can fix the darkness - take the pain away - heal the physical pain.  Time will heal it - eventually.

BUT in the meantime - you have to bang your toes in the darkness - grind your teeth through the physical pain - cry oceans of tears through the emotional pain... 

Until you see a small light at the end of the tunnel - and you slowly start to move towards it - painfully - slowly - step by slow step................