Question on My Masochism

 

 an old joke:

 

 

claire asked a question the other day -

I would be interested on your thoughts on your masochism and whether you have ever had inner conflicts that you shouldn't like the things you do pain wise?

WOW!!  how to answer in 100 words or less (grinning)

I kept my masochism a deep secret for many years.  I felt weird and felt that I didn't fit in anywhere... even in the clubs I used to play at.. I knew I was very different from other submissives.  AND dear god I never EVER told anyone that I got massively turned on by pain.  It took many years for me to accept my masochism.  AND I remember when I first told another submissive - he looked at me and laughed.  He pointed out to me that almost everyone who knew me knew I was a masochist !  Believe it or not that helped me to see that folks wouldn't think I was certifiable.

Now let's take a closer look at what masochism is for ME. 
Yes I love pain and Yes pain turns me on....... BUT when Sir Steve has me bent over the bed ass in the air.... my heart is pounding.. and I am questioning if I will be able to get on top of the pain - ride it - and finally enjoy it. 

A good Sadist knows how to get the masochist to where they should be....... it takes patience and know-how.  Sir Steve doesn't pick up the hardest toy and just start whaling on me...... that wouldn't work at all.  My body and my mind need to adjust to the sensations.. there has to be a build up.  I remember the first time I played with Sir Steve.  His reputation preceded him and I was scared!  BUT he had a rhythm .... using a small wooden paddle (small in that it neatly covered one ass cheek at a time) he would hit one side then the other.. increasing in intensity.  Every so often - specifically after a hard hit - he would use the palm of his hand and push down hard... holding it.... feeling my muscles relax and then .......... back at it.  Soon he would sense I was riding on top of the pain... surfing it ... and then the big bad toys would come out.........from that point on he was free to be the Sadist he is.  and just let the masochist that is me be me.

AND yes I do have orgasms of a sort from pain...... But again there is a 'rhythm' to it... I'm not very good at describing it cause usually I am just aware that my body is responding.. and the foggy brain clears enough to register what is happening...
AGAIN it's up to Sir Steve to give the right amount of pain - at the right speed - to bring it on....... I have no control - my body just moves as though it is being f**ked and then my back arches and my body stiffens... Sir Steve tends to wait a split second when he sees the physical reaction - not wanting to 'ruin it' ........ But once it's over he goes back to doling out pain.

When Sir Steve decides that the play time is over - he slows things down - the hits become slower and more gentle... and at the end he rubs my back and whispers in my ear and brings me back to him.

 

BUT not everyone plays like Sir Steve.... and I have played with many who thought they could give me the pain I need.  Sometimes they would just start whaling away on me.. making me gasp and work hard to get on top of the pain and ride it... Other times I have doms want to prove they can make me say 'uncle'.  They would have no rhythm .. would hit with all their strength with whatever toy struck their fancy ... and they would switch and change toys too fast to allow me time to adjust.  In my mind they weren't Sadists - they were (insert expletive) bastards who wanted to look good.  I've learned to value my masochism more now - and wouldn't play with folks like that ever again.

 

Finally - does pain always feel good?

no it doesn't.  

If I stub my toe it bloody hurts.. I have an invasive cancer test once a year (that if you're interested does involve an extreme BDSM kink - not mine but just saying) without any freezing or anaesthetic that has me in excruciating pain  and close to tears every time. 

Masochism for me is about consent and loving partners and laughing and working together for our mutual benefit. 

 

 

TTWD

 

Is everyone clear on TTWD?? I know for a long time I had no clue.... finally felt safe enough with a submissive friend to ask....... "These Things We Do" ....... sort of like a big HUGE umbrella to tuck us all under............. cause there are so many different shapes sizes and styles in BDSM.

Around blog land these days .. we have DD and HOH and maybe even 50's household.  We have D/s and S/m and Daddy/little girl.  ok so who did I miss??

A long time ago it was very important to me to have a label.  After all how can you fit in (or be accepted in some cases) if you don't know who/what you are??  I identified as submissive - maybe even slave on a good day.  I am by nature submissive (raised to be submissive - talk about nurture versus nature)  -- and have a strong BURNING desire to serve .. .to please.

But interesting fact here....... at munches or meetings I was often seen as Dominant.  You have no idea how many male submissives approached me to play....... le sigh...
I did try - more than once - but it just isn't in me.  And doming is exhausting!! and a lot of work.... it was so much easier to kneel at someone's feet and let them do all the work.

BUT - I was more than submissive.  I was a masochist.  And that desire for pain drove me stronger than any desire to serve.  For a long time I didn't talk about it - was ashamed maybe? of my masochism.  AND in the community I was in - masochism was not valued as much as submissive or slave. 

Then I met Sir Steve ....... he was a Sadist.... other submissives whispered about him.. he was a S A D I S T  -- that made him scary...... oh and he did look scary and intimidating in his leathers with his cover on.......... I remember being mesmerized by him.... (and yeah - he was HOT in my books and made my knees go weak)

And when we played ....... OMG it was heaven!!  I had finally met my match... The Sadist and the masochist - a match made in heaven.  

BUT I didn't understand why he didn't want me to kneel - or to serve.  Once the play was over he wanted me sitting beside him - standing beside him - an equal ? that was very confusing to me.  I figured it was because I was NOT his submissive... 

Fast forward to 4 years ago when we started to renew our friendship.  I figured "YAY!!  I get a Sadist and a Dominant"   Was I wrong!!  Sir Steve is dominant yes... but he isn't looking to dominate anyone.  When we aren't playing he wants a partner.

A long time ago I read a description of each of the types of BDSM relationships.. long ago and far away - so of course I can't find it now.  BUT I do remember skimming over the S/m relationship.  IF memory serves me right - S/m relationships are different from the other forms because for the most part both partners are considered equal - only when it comes to 'playing' do the roles manifest themselves.  And they play to satisfy each person's need for pain - either giving or receiving.

I still have a very strong need to please and be pleasing.... but we're working on releasing my spirit and letting it fly.  I am slowly learning I do not HAVE to serve Sir Steve - I fulfill him with my masochism. IF I want to serve him that's my choice!  not his demand. 

Life is good when your TTWD is a perfect fit.

 

Sore bum = Happy sub

It's almost a ritual -- watching Sir Steve pull out the 'toy' bag and carefully select the implements he wants to use....... on Saturday he pulled out the quirt, the braided rope, the big flogger, the leather paddle.  

He came to me in the living room and pointed to the bedroom......... I got up and went to him wanting a kiss ... wanting the reassurance that everything was as it should be... he gave me a 'cheap kiss' and I made the 'mistake' of saying so..... 'that was a cheap kiss hopefully the spankings won't be cheap' (I do look for trouble sometimes!)  He smirked at me 'cheap eh? we'll see what you think AFTER'....... and he unbuckled his belt and pulled it through the loops.  My knees went weak -- his belt?? he's never used his belt... (in fact I don't think anyone has ever used a belt)

He cycled through all the toys at least twice -- including the belt.  can I say OUCH!  holy sh*t it has to be a 15 out of 10 ......  the worst of all the toys.  It is my new 'love to hate' toy trust me!  It wasn't long into the spanking that I realized this wasn't going to be a 'sexy let's play and have fun' spanking -- it was hard -- white knuckle hard.  Reminiscent of the style of play we did 10 years ago out at the clubs.  No sensual teasing ... just strictly pain..... loads of it.

BUT

it is the extreme pain that this masochist was looking for / needing -- it blends together to create this wonderful cocktail of happy chemicals -- endorphins and dopamine mostly -- I am a junky and crave these highs........... 

The aftermath looked something like this......................

My ass was still pink and tight and sore on Sunday........... and it still twinges today when I sit...... or when Sir Steve playfully pokes it or slaps it......... best feeling ever! 

Life is good when I get the cocktail of happy chemicals............
 

My Place.........

Actually the title should read 'being reminded of my place'............. 

Saturday after both Sir Steve and I had rested up from entertaining excited 6 year olds.. He told me to go find 4 toys from the toy bag.......... UGH I hate when he does that !!!  

Stress Stress Stress !! 

Why stress you ask?? because 1) then it feels like it's all about ME and what I want... and 2) what if I don't select toys he likes??!!  I was so tempted to pull out feather boas and wet noodles -- BUT -- I am a masochist so that would defeat the purpose right?? AND he's a Sadist so god only knows how he would have reacted.......... 

So I picked 4 toys that are fun......... 

laid them out on the bed as requested -- and then got to sit and stare at them (the bed faces the living room where I was sitting watching football with Sir Steve) until he was ready to use them.   

On Friday Windy wrote a piece HERE about 'best lines'........ we haven't really had any situations where my mouth runs away with me........  

until Saturday night...... 

Sir Steve has a sort of ritual -- before he starts spanking -- he puts on soft leather gloves.  While he was putting them on -- I turned my head... watching him.... and asked "Why do you put on the gloves?"  He gave me THAT look -- the one that screams this is NOT the time or place...... so I glibly said "ohhhhhh ok you can tell me later" ...... He answered "how nice of YOU to give me permission to answer later !" 

Well that gave me the giggles......... ooooooops..... both my statement and my giggles didn't go over well....... I tried to remind him it had been so long....... that I had started to think *I* was the boss....... 
I thought he was gonna swallow his back teeth !!  I was just digging the hole deeper ya know?

All the toys -- including his gloved hands -- were well used -- and my ass was glowing and hot and just a tad 'ouchie' when he finished 45 minutes (or so) later..... My world was full of pretty colours and dancing fairies.... 

Life is good when you are reminded of your place -- when he claims you again -- and your ass tingles for a couple of days !

Back in the City

We're back in the city for the weekend.  IF anyone is interested the picture today is an aerial shot of our little town.

I arrived back late morning yesterday - with the laundry to do and a shopping list.  Sir Steve got home late from work.  

Last night was another little 'appetizer' of the upcoming fun..... some nipple torture and pussy spanking.... and I could yelp and wiggle and make all the noise I wanted to (grinning)  Sir Steve teased me by making reference to my smart assed comment about the "masochist" coming for the weekend -- and in his mind she seemed a pretty wimpy masochist.  (smart ass!)

This morning Sir Steve is sleeping (gonna let him sleep till he wakes up -- it's been a long couple of weeks for him.)  BUT then we have some adventures of our own to do.... This is 'open door' weekend across Ontario (or so I have been told) and all the museums and tourist traps are free today and tomorrow.  I really want to see the old jail -- and maybe a couple of other museums.  

Then there is a big food fair that spreads for 2 blocks in the center of the city........... and I am thinking it would be fun to have lunch in those 2 blocks -- try some interesting foods/restaurants ............... only thing is I have awoken to a cloudy rainy day (see me pout?) BUT the weather man says there should be a break in the misery for a few hours around mid day........ keeping my fingers crossed.

Life is very good when you get a weekend off from every day routines (and nosy prying busy bodies)

Leftover buttons

I came into this relationship with Sir Steve with a whole lot of 'buttons' ....... we've managed to work hard to cut a lot of the strings that fastened them to me....... but every once in awhile I discover another button ....

Last weekend I found a couple of them -- well hidden -- 

I had followed Sir Steve in my car to a local mall to do a quick stop before we headed off to the campgrounds.  I pulled in beside him ...... and my stomach lurched and knotted.  The turn into the space had been tight -- and the car was a little bit crooked.  It was one of the things that W used to give me grief about - not being perfectly straight in the parking space (and they say I have OCD!!)  When I climbed out of the car I checked and was fairly straight and definitely between the yellow lines -- Sir Steve made some comment about my reaction.  I later explained to him I had found another 'button' -- the anxiety over parking perfectly straight between the yellow lines.  Sir Steve just shook his head and whispered "it doesn't really matter does it?" 

Then later during the weekend - there was a conversation about spankings/play time.  Sir Steve gave me THAT look -- one I know so well -- that said "all you have to do is ask" ... I walked away from that one. I filled up with tears -- had a brief moment of panic that this relationship was sliding down the same hill as the one with W... where the Dom didn't really want to do the pain part of play -- but would do it to please me.  The problem with that is -- I will not relax enough to enjoy it -- the mantra in my head will always be "He's doing it for me -- he does NOT want to do it -- just for me"   

I am a masochist -- pain is the fuel that keeps my motor purring.  BUT for some reason unless the Sadist playing with me is enjoying it and getting his motor running -- it's a total waste of time.  In my warped thinking a Sadist/masochist relationship is very symbiotic relationship.  I will not thrive if I am the only one enjoying myself -- I feed off the desire of the Sadist to dole out the pain.  For me -- sensing that desire from the Sadist is almost as good (if not better) than the actual pain.

Not a Sadist

He read the checklist and he said to me "I have a concern -- I am not a Sadist"

I held my breath -- how I hated the label "masochist" it always gave the wrong impression.

I answered him honestly "I am a masochist - but I am more than that - I am a submissive first and foremost"

And so we agreed to try -- to test the waters -- to see where the cards fell...........

On Sunday while He was spanking me -- with only his hand -- I thought 'this man claims he is not a Sadist but dear God he hits like one!'

And yesterday when I winced with the pain from bruises and sore muscles  I thought to myself -- 'Damn he lied to me -- he's as good a Sadist as I have ever met" 

and I smiled a soft sweet smile 

Mutual Weirdness

There was a time I worked really REALLY hard to be 'normal' ....... but i am not normal - I am bent and kinky and more than a little weird.

And I really like it when I meet folks who see my weirdness and accept it.

Know what's even better ?? When folks see my weirdness and embrace it!!

I had a discussion this week with The Sadist.  This Sadist is a man who respects my weirdness and my ... what shall I say??.. my reluctance to display my weirdness - especially in public.

So we were discussing this play party I am going to and he said "when is it cause I think it would be best if I don't play with you till it's over - cause I mark you"

I sat staring at the words and all I could think was 'DAMN that's 2 weeks away!' and that's pretty much what I wrote back but I added "do I have to wait that long?"

His response was "Fuck no !"  and my heart soared.  Yeah it's that easy to make me happy - I don't ask for much..... I just need to know you know my weirdness and embrace it (small smile) 

Not everyone gets that I don't need or want for much - I have many 'weirdnesses' - and want to embrace / experience all of them.  I'm not asking for forever - I am asking for now... come embrace my weirdness - share your weirdness with me....... let's laugh and enjoy our weirdnesses together ...... that's all (shrug)

Some like the Sadist really get that .......... and it makes me feel valued and heard - which is such a long long way from where I was........

Master??

I never much thought about the term "Master" until Warren refused to have the title applied to himself. He always maintained that a "Master" had a proficiency in some area. He always claimed he was "still learning" and therefore could not be called or considered a "Master"

Truthfully I rather liked the humbleness of that philosophy. Especially considering my opinion that anyone could call themselves a "Master" in the lifestyle - as there really were no universities to attend or schools to attend with credited teachers to teach. In the lifestyle - it seems to me anyway - that anyone can call themselves a Master and base it on the number of years they claim to be in the lifestyle - or the number of workshops they have taken by any number of other "Masters". No where are there diplomas or pieces of paper hanging on the wall showing you have studied under some great self-proclaimed "guru".

It amazes me the number of newbies that I have met - only 5 or 10 years ago that didn't know one end of a flogger from another who are now Pro Dommes or "Masters" and teaching everyone else how to do A B or C. Boggles my mind!! (But then remember I am a teacher who questions - from time to time - my right to teach ... who do I think I am??!!)

For some reason right now .. here in the Great White North.. there is a HUGE push on to have Dungeon Monitors patrolling all the clubs/play parties... to keep all us players safe and sound!!! Most of those DM's are under the age of 30 ........... and I am sorry - but they aren't gonna tell me - or my play partner - how we SHOULD be playing !!! Sorry but I have 25+ years of playing and experiencing and yes, even attending workshops........ experience tells me that my partner and I know what is right for us.... what works for us....... and my general attitude towards these DM's is keep the hell away from me... IF you must feel useful - then keep all the gawkers away from us too - before they walk into a middle of our scene and get themselves hit upside the head with a back swing!!

I was thinking - early this morning - very early before the birds were up or the sun - that power does indeed corrupt. Put a glow stick around someone's arm - christen them a DM for a night, and look out baby !! Have some self-proclaimed Master believe his own hype and Look out again !! The philosophy seems to be "My way or the highway".

I remember once - a long time ago - Warren was playing with me at a semi-private club. Just the way I like to be played with - by the way. He was tap tap tapping with the big wooden paddle... and after about 10 taps He would wind up and lay into me with one BIG wallop that would just about send me into the next room. I was in my element.. floating along with the taps and flying into sub space with the wallops. A "Master" walked by and had the nerve !!! to stop our scene and critique the way Warren was hitting me. He did not approve and was gonna make damn sure Warren knew.

I was furious !! And after the scene .. and after I had focused my fuzzy brain I told him so !!!

Warren and I landed up withdrawing more and more from public play. When we did go out pubic - we played politely so as not to scare the masses. How boring !!!

Now to the point of this entry.........

I am on fetlife. And for those of you not on fetlife.. or not in the "know" there are two sides to it. The English side .........and the French side. Historically the French side here in the Great White North has played and acted very differently from the English side. They play HARD.. harder I would say than the English side (and that is probably gonna land me in hot water with the English side) and they have more protocols and bowing and scraping than the English side.

Well a day or two ago a Master put up a picture of his slave after a scene they had. Now I am thinking perhaps it wasn't the smartest idea........ considering how squeamish most in the lifestyle are .. or how judgmental they are - despite the "oh we accept everyone's differences!!"




I was a bit shocked at the number of polite Masters that jumped all over this Master for beating his sub into a bleeding pulp. Why I don't know...... cause that seems to be the way of BDSM these days. I don't like what you do - therefore I am gonna denounce it the world !!! There were words back and forth........ but the outcome was basically .......... why would we play in public if this is the reaction we can expect??!!! The Master in question pointed out he didn't play with china dolls. The sub in question pointed out she had a safe word - and never used it - this was the type of play she loved.

Now whether we agree with how they play - that is not the point !!! The point is we are all adults...... we should not need BDSM nazis to tell us how to play and how not to play !!!

Even me - the germ freak - says if they wish to play like that...... and clean up after themselves WELL !! so there is no blood / bodily fluids lying around..... then what the hell is the problem???? Who died and made you....or you...... Master of how someone else plays??? Don't talk to me about caring for your submissive like she is some precious delicate toy and you shouldn't break her. Excuse me - but we are all adults........ how dare you??!!!

Seems to me the Masters had better go back to etiquette school and learn about public play........ and learn RISK or SSC or some of the other "rules" we supposedly live by..... and mind their own business !

Sadist

As you all know by now... or should... I am a masochist. I enjoy playing with Sadists. BUT unfortunately Sadists are few and far between (despite what other well meaning sadists tell me)

In my experience a sadist picks up some toy or other - a crop or a flogger or a whip... and enjoys themself beating my ass. I on the other hand rather enjoy having my ass beaten.

And as you all know .. I have been on a little sabbatical from play parties......for a number of valid reasons.

However I am going to a party this weekend. And I am looking forward to it.

Then I got an email message that said simply "Do you trust me?"
To which I responded with a simple "Yes I trust you"
Then I got another email message that said " Prepare to suffer my way - sadistic smile"

"my way"?? what the devil does that mean???

So for the last week or so I have been pondering all the ways a sadist can play...... and I am coming up pretty empty.

As the weekend draws ever closer I find myself anticipating the party more and more... AND .. yes I will admit it... I am getting nervous.

Every time I play it is like the first time. I always wonder if I will wimp out... if I will disappoint and not live up to this reputation I seem to have acquired. Will I be masochistic enough??

And every time I come away pleased with myself.. I didn't wimp out.

This time I have no idea what is in store for me. That makes it even more fun. You see.. for me.......... BDSM play starts in my lil addled brain... and works out from there... the anticipation is as much a part of the play time as the actual play time.

3 more sleeps till the party...... 3 more !!

Lost and found?

After the pussy spreader and chopstick episode on Saturday evening... Sir moved me immediately to the cross. My head was spinning... i was still back there on that table with the world inspecting my private bits and pieces... Nevermind that my pussy had just become accustomed to the stretch and the bite........... and Sir just whipped them off leaving me fighting to catch up.. fighting to move onwards and upwards...

clamped to the cross.. spread eagle... almost shivering with nerves or the cold i couldn't quite decide... i soon discovered i didn't much like the cross.. it was a new one i am sure.. and had a cross bar that cut directly across my diaphragm.... whenever there was a specifically heavy hit my diaphragm would be pushed violently into this wooden cross bar ..making me feel like i was gonna puke... (like performing the Heimlich maneuver on one's self) never mind the fact the damn thing was pushing into what i think is my gall bladder - which had been acting up for the past week..... my mind was still processing the feelings of being a "nothing" of being a "thing" ... and so i had no voice.... my wrists were too high and without the proper suspension cuffs were tingling almost immediately... it just didn't feel fun

Sir used the tawse with great abandon.. and the cane.. the dreaded hated cane.. and the broad wooden paddle. No rhyme or reason... just hit .. and hit hard. Send the subbie's body banging into the wooden cross.. unforgiving .. hard..i missed the 1 2 3 4 count for the paddle.. i missed the ability to catch my breath.. i missed the boat.. completely.

And then it was over.. and i was down ..and snuggled up on the sofa with Sir... i know Sir snuggled up with me.. but somehow it wasn't enough... i was struggling to find my way.. in my head.. to where i belonged.. to firm ground.. to something i understood and could process.

Later i packed us up and we made our way out to the car... the dreaded hated cane never does fit perfectly into the bag.. and as i squished through the door, the cane caught the side of the frame and banged... i stopped to make sure it hadn't broken.. good sub i am !! Then loaded everything in the trunk and just wanted to be back in the hotel... snuggled under blankets and blankets... warm and sleepy ...

BUT it didn't happen that way... When i finally got the bag to the room.. the cane was gone........ G O N E .............. my world now skidded to an immediate stop.. Sir's cane.. His beloved cane was gone. and it was all my fault.. it had to be don't you see.. as i was the one responsible for the toys.. muddled brain or no muddled brain... my responsibility.

Sir retraced our steps out to the car... checked in the trunk.. no cane.

Sir tried calling the club.. tried calling the hostess.. the owner.. all to no avail. Finally sleep called His name and Sir slept... i lay staring into the darkness trying to screw my head back on straight.... it was at an awful angle you see.

In the morning........ after breakfast.. before we hit the highway.. we drove back to the club...... just in case.. maybe...

And there it lay .. small and lost.. a bit forlorn .. in the rain.. in the dirt... but alive and well.. and more than ready to whip my ass another day...........

His way......

swan wrote a post the other day entitled " Trying to get there". As with all her blogs it was a good one !! It made me sit back and think....... especially her line ......
"I replied, "You don't DO warm-ups -- at least not with me. The only people who get warm-ups and aftercare are newbies."

There was something about those words.... something i have said in one form or another to Sir... definitely not quite so to the point... but she nailed it on the head.

When Sir and i were first playing together.. things were very very different from the here and now - for obvious reasons. He didn't know me or my body and i was a little anxious about Him. Our play sessions were combinations of warm ups... slow and easy warm ups - building to intense sessions of pain that had me hanging loosely from the chains.. playing with my fairies... lost to the world of reality. And those times spent with my fairies were long enjoyable holidays... long being the operative word. Not just 10 or 15 minutes - but hours and hours of blissful endorphin rushes.

The after care had to be the best times ever............. they were the times that Sir would hold me close.. letting me snuggle into His body.. feeling His skin against me... inhaling His scent.. feeling it infusing my mind and body with His closeness - with His love.

But days pass... months .. even years pass... we are not so new to each other anymore... He knows my body perhaps better than i know it myself.. There are no tentative slow starts... watching me for acceptance.. watching my body for the nod and the wink to continue.... Now if Sir wishes to use just the quirt - then just the quirt is used... Sir knows my body can handle it... just the whip ?? then it is just the whip........... if i cry and complain and try and wiggle away.. He tells me to hold still.. He tells me i like it (and i do)

He doesn't need hours upon hours now to assuage His need to cause pain... It is done in record time.........

And i don't "need" hours upon hours to reach my fairies either... they are alway there.. just waiting.. hiding behind the stroke of the cane or crop.. waiting to lift me up and away........ if only for a little while

BUT i miss those beginning days.. i do. Back in the beginning.. Sir would ask seriously if i was warmed up enough... and judge by my non-answer that i was indeed ready. Now He taps my ass once or twice... laughing.. and leans in and whispers "are you warmed up enough"... and it doesn't matter what i answer.. He is warmed up enough... and that is all that "matters".

Every so often Sir will say .. "have you had enough" .. and god help me if i answer NO.. for then He will go at my ass like there is no tomorrow... making me cry out.. making me beg Him to stop....... i have come to know .. it is not about me .. really understanding what that phrase means... when asked i don't answer anything now.. or simply say "yes Sir" .... because i have learned - it is NOT about me.

Now i know... KNOW.. if Sir were to play with a newbie (without me around) His style would be very different......... He would have a nice slow and easy warm up.. waiting for the body to be ready... waiting patiently.. then going full on ... taking the submissive to their happy spot... holding them there.. and then caressing them afterwards.. bringing them back slowly to the here and now.

BUT just isn't life ... is it?? Familiarity does that to couples.. be it with pain sessions.. or sex.. or just every day functions... ya get to know exactly what is needed and that is what is given.........

As much as i would like to go back to those beginning days.. (as much as i am sure Sir would like to reclaim the newness of this old subbie) it can't be done. Ohhhhhh every once in awhile Sir will do a nice slow warm up.. but it isn't the same.. it can never be the same......... for the butterfly dance is not a happy excited jig these days.. but more a graceful waltz .........

something evil this way comes

Evil is always dark and scary......... right??

Can you make out the evil stick in the above picture???

That is pure evil...

i will put that stick up against any other toy known to man and see if you don't agree it is evil..

i will put my ass up against any one's ass with THAT evil stick and see if you don't agree..

It is evil - pure evil.

In fact... i believe it has magical properties...
For weeks / months even Sir hasn't gone near it........ last weekend Sir complained to me that He had not seen the "new" stick as He calls it (He doesn't know of it's evil properties.. only i truly know.. only i truly see it for what it is - E V I L )

Anyway.. i realized i hadn't seen the evil being for a while and went looking for it.. i found it.. hanging on the toy wall - innocently - with all the other toys.......

BUT you see .. this evil stick changes .. fits in to its environment...... and so Sir missed it..

i recognized it by the silver handle......... and being the good sub i am .. i reported back to Sir where the stick was..........

Yesterday Sir went and brought the evil stick upstairs..

Sir had me bend over the ottoman..

And Sir used that evil wicked nasty stick on my ass.. and on my sweet spot...

The pain that comes from this stick is nothing if not evil....... for 30 minutes Sir used that stick over and over on my ass and sweet spot.. and all i could feel was burning pain... there were no fairies.. there were no pretty lights.. there was nothing except that darkness that surrounds Evil............

DARKNESS i say !!!!

Finally Sir asked if i wanted it to end.......

i cried (damn that is all i seem to do these days)

i begged Him not to stop... i needed the endorphins.. even though they weren't appearing.. that evil stick doesn't seem to allow fairies or pretty lights or endorphins........

Thank god Sir went to the crop.. both crops.. Thank god Sir brought me up to the edge.. showed me the fun just over the edge.. and i stepped out.... and over..

ohhhhhh the evil stick came back to play .. for a little bit.... and i earned a good fucking and a marvelous soaking dripping flowing orgasm - for enduring the evil stick.......

And funny enough .. when i looked at the evil stick again.... afterwards... it was playing tricks again... not dark and evil.. but more sunshine ... lollipops and rainbows.......

pins and needles

Many long years ago - eons really - i used to sew - i hated it !! So much so that today i struggle with the thought of even sewing on a button !!!

BUT back in the days when i did sew i always had pins.. wheels of pins handy by my side... these were my favourite ones -



because they were relatively easy to pull out.. IF i remembered to shove them back in they didn't get lost... AND .. they had such pretty colours !!!

Sir knows of my total dislike for sewing....... and so imagine my surprise on Friday when He arrived with a "present" for me... a brand new set of sewing pins !!! i could NOT imagine what in god's name He wanted me to sew.. but i could feel the old reaction bubbling up to the surface.. the foot stamping.. stomach tightening.. "i don't wanna !!!" feeling.

Nothing much was said in regards to them....... they just sat on the front table haunting me every time i walked past.............

Then on Saturday afternoon Sir disappeared into the basement for a bit.......... when He reappeared He was holding two of the pin wheels.......... He had drilled out the middle hole.. making it bigger..............

Sir had me remove my tshirt....... and with some tugging and pinching He managed to secure one of the rings over my nipple............ my stomach had sunk about as far as it could go !!! i glanced down and saw all the pretty coloured heads of the pins sticking out..... i watched as Sir's hand started to methodically push the pins in to the circle...... and ultimately into my nipple.................. MY NIPPLE !!!! my absolute no way don't touch unless i am in the mood nipple !!!!

i don't remember even having the strength to object......... that happens sometimes to me when i am totally and completely overwhelmed by the sadistic nature of the man i call Sir..

While i was coming to terms with having my nipple impaled on this ring of pins......... He was pulling the next nipple out and through the next ring of pins..... Same procedure.. all the pins were sticking out.. then i watched as He methodically pushed each pin in.. all the way.............

There are times that i am totally and completely mesmerized by what Sir does to my body.. and how my body reacts to the treatment............

i wasn't given a whole lot of time to adjust to the fact that my nipples were being pierced... cause Sir wasn't finished. He spread out the plastic on the floor and lit the candle......

i tried to wiggle out of the waxing totally....... didn't work.

i tried to convince Sir that i should like on my back........... didn't work.

Sir wanted me on my stomach with the pin wheels and nipples pressed against the floor............

It started off with my hands holding my upper body somewhat off the floor - so that the pin wheels just kinda dangled there........ self protection is an automatic reflex - i believe.

BUT then Sir had lit the black waxing candle..

And Sir had sat down cross legged on the floor beside me (no chance of cooling the wax drips from standing height - no sireee bob !!! This waxing was gonna be down and dirty!!)



The first stream of hot wax ran down my ass.. over the tops of my thighs and had me gasping in pain......... Sir pulled my ass crack open and aimed the next stream of hot (molten hot - i swear ) wax down the crack........ my muscles clenched - and oh dear god i discovered the peach fuzz i have in my ass crack - that i never shave - was now receiving hot wax treatment............ those ass muscles stayed clenched.. cause the slightest loosening of them had peach fuzz hair being pulled out cruelly from one side (at least)........

Then the knife came out and the wax was being shaved off my ass.. and thighs..........Some time around this point i realized my nipples were burning / hurting / screaming at me.. i looked down.......... Somewhere around the second stream of wax - i had given up - forgotten about the pin wheel on each nipple and had collapsed down on to the floor - pushing the pins/nipples in deeper....... rubbing them around as i wiggled on the floor trying to extinguish the burning in my ass.......................

Sometimes i am really truly amazed at how sadistic Sir can be............

And He has promised to take the third wheel home and widen the middle hole large enough to accomodate my clit and clit jewelry..............

i have a badge that Sir bought me once - a long time ago - the wording seems rather appropriate .................