Surprise

ok - honestly I didn't expect to be back so soon!!  HONEST!!!



It's just I got thinking yesterday about something Angel and I have talked about - getting older - and I had said "I should blog about that".  So here I am - already!

 Ok - so a few weeks ago Angel and I were at an educational thingy and one of the folks said that they were trying to squeeze as much as they can into every day cause they are getting older........... (like there is some magic number when it all just ends abruptly!)

I went "mmmmmmmmmmmm" because I am a good 10 years older........ how to make me feel old with one sentence!!!

I used to struggle with 'growing older' and feeling sorry I hadn't lived my life differently - been more adventuresome ... been more of a rebel...... thrown caution to the wind 

I remember doing a bit of a rant on Fetlife a few years back after someone made mention of my old age.  I ranted that one day - god willing - that person would be exactly where I was and I sure hoped people would be kinder to her about her advanced age.

I have had play partners mention my age ........ not all that delicately either.  

I have NO intention of giving in to a number - cause ya know what - basically that's all it is -- a NUMBER!

For those of you who are new here - I have had two different bouts with cancer going back 7 years (in fact I go for my bi-yearly scan in May) and if I learned nothing from that - I learned no one can know how many numbers they will get to chalk up on the great calendar of life.

I made a very conscious decision 10 months ago to whip this body into shape.  So I lost all that weight and go to the gym every day - I even face the "monster weight machines" because I am NOT going out without a damn fight.  

And because of the health issues - I get thorough check ups regularly and even the doctor says my health is getting better - my body stronger - as I age.

I have always said "I suffer from the 'Peter  Pan' complex" - I am NEVER growing up!! 
Hell I got my first tattoo at the age of 50 - and the other two over a 6 year period.  I was pierced 10 years ago.  I never thought I was too old to do it..... I just did it!

It's all in your attitude.  IF you think you are old - then trust me baby - you are going to be OLD.  IF you think young - then you will BE young.

I may have grey hair
I may have wrinkles
I may have scars
I may not be able to kneel for hours at someone's feet
but none of that is going to stop me!

I want 'em all asking "what is she up to now?!"   

or better yet........... 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

oh and before I forget - IF I actually do run out of words I'll post a "meme" thingy I collect just to fill the space for the day or two........... cause it's pretty obvious to me - I am far from running out of words (grinning)  

Truth

It would seem that I have finally run out of words.......... After a year of words spilling from my heart into This Journey - the words have run out.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
For now - you all know I'll be back 

Friends

When I moved here to Kingston - I only had W.  It was kinda scary to be honest.  I left behind a huge community of friends ........... and of course my family.

But I discovered friendship here ..... and it didn't take long.  AND when the times got tough those friends rallied around me and held me up and helped me find my feet .. my strength.. and my life.  

BUT there is one friend........ Angel ........ who holds a very special place in my heart.  She was the quiet one who heard the pain behind the words "I'm fine thanks" .. She's the one who came the day after I moved - and in all that heat - on her holidays - motivated me to unpack - to organise - to claim this apartment as mine - as MY HOME.
And she didn't leave when it was done.  She stayed ......... and become my mentor in this thing called life .. she has slapped me upside the head - delicately - when I needed it.  She has been my guide through this dating process.  She has been my safe call both literally and figuratively.  

It's really weird this friendship......... how it started ............. 

About 4 years ago I got an email message off The Journey that basically asked if I would mentor her.  Usually I don't pay much attention to those sorts of messages - usually I politely decline and forget about it.  BUT this time I sent back a rather snarky message that said " define mentor for me" ........... And from that first email .. first seed .. a deep abiding friendship has grown.

She comes here every day and reads what I write.  And sometimes my written words  come out easier than talking.......... 

I love Angel like a sister - NO - probably more than a sister.  You have been my rock and my guide - my confessor - my strength - my voice of reason.  I know what a big step you have taken Angel ....... and I am thinking it probably is a bit scary - but please know - please HEAR me - I am here - day or night - let me be your rock this time.. let me help anyway I can.  That's what friends do for each other........... so let me do for you now.. Let me be strong for you..  look beside you that's where I am  !!

 

My Kinky Easter Present

I went to a munch on Friday night - and as always thoroughly enjoyed myself.

BUT I received a surprise Easter present ....... which quite literally floored me.  

A few weeks ago a friend had told me she was getting me a "bitch stick" -- one no one could break over my butt. I just thought she was teasing me.  She mentioned it again a couple of weeks later asking if it had made it's way to me....... I said I don't want anyone else to give me HER present - it could wait until we saw one another ................. 

And so it happened on Friday evening I was presented with "The Bitch Stick"

I am still trying to wrap my head around her gift to me........... 

BUT also trying to wrap my head around how it's gonna feel............ dear god in heaven am I masochist enough for THAT?   In case you can't tell, that bitch stick is metal  -- yes I said    

M E T A L  !

From the bottom of my heart - Thank you - I will let you know how it goes....... (so to speak) 

Happy Easter

Happy Easter Spankings

Beware of Mind Games

I personally have never been much for mind games.  To me they come pretty damn close to humiliation play.  AND dear god in heaven if you are gonna do humiliation play you had better be an expert at putting your sub's mind back together!

BUT there's another side of playing in the mind of others........... 

I started - what I thought - was a good debate with a Sadist over on Fetlife on "brave masochists".  I have never met him - he has never met me - we don't really know each other's story - or more importantly what REALLY makes us tick.

I disagreed with him........ and he tried to turn my opinion around.  (This was weeks ago)   He frustrated the hell out of me during that debate -  dodging direct questions - being "cute" in his mind I am sure - twisting and turning - ducking and dodging,  OH and he was cute - smiling and winking - and trying to pull me in and sway my opinion.  I thought the debate ended with my " we're gonna have to agree to disagree".

Then last week he asked me to read something he wrote "Pain isn't just Pain".  and tell him my feelings on it.  (shrug) Fine I have time on my hands.  So I read it - and re-read it - made notes - then compiled my thoughts into a coherent email to him.

He seemed truly interested in what I was saying and asked more questions based on my email.  And again I went deep inside of myself and answered his questions truthfully from the heart. 

He probed more...... and I went deeper into my feelings...... and answered him truthfully - cause ya know that's who I am - on the net - in real life - I am honest and will share my feelings/thoughts honestly.

AND then he brought me to a point that I wrote my inner most dreams and desires........ and it surprised even me - truthfully !!

Then he came back with a smirk on his face (at least I pictured a smirk on his face) saying "SEE you are a brave masochist" 

I sat staring at that line and went from furious - throw the pc out the window pissed - to breaking down in tears............... 

He had no idea - none whatsoever  -- what he had just put me through..... 

I sent him a quick email back and said - "you should charge for therapy - then you could charge for aftercare - cause right now I have major hurt "

and he never answered it.

He had won - He had proved his point.

And I was left shaking and feeling emotionally weak.


Lesson learned?
Don't trust folks on line to be who YOU think they are..........and never again - no more online debates or serious discussions!!

  

Holiday Weekend and Q & A

 I am off today westward bound - to go to a munch and spend the night with friends.  Then Sunday I am eastward bound to Montreal to celebrate Easter with the kids ( see my happy smile?)  in between times I will pop in here to post a little this or a little that:)

 

 

I missed a couple of Q&A's .... and as I truthfully have nothing rolling around in my head (well nothing I am ready or willing to share) I am just gonna answer the questions today.

 

  

Anonymous said...

Why did you split with W?

 It's a bit strange but when I read this question I thought I have pages and pages about the break up........ but when I went to look all I read were my feelings - how lost I felt - how dead inside I was - how confused ............ and I surprised myself that I hadn't really aired the dirty laundry that I had taken the high road (again)  ..... cause it was pretty dirty and nasty ..... the only entry I could find that comes close to describing it is this: 

 

My Story

And I have to say - yesterday when I was researching the answer to this - it felt like I was ripping the scab off a wound.  So I won't be doing this again - Q&A or not. 

 

 

keth said...

okay, here's one for you. If you had the chance to go and live anywhere in the world, where would you go? Money no object. I want to know the kind of place you would live, not just where - i.e. a villa in Italy, or a black and white timber-framed house in England. I'd also like to know how you would live - i.e. what would you take with you, who would you take with you (apart from Miss Ashes, that's just a given). :) 

(damn the formatting is screwed up - no left alignment for some reason - ahh well)

Ok money no object - 

I would move to an island - somewhere where it's warm and never snows ....  I would live in something this..........

I would also have one very similar for play only... and others for visiting guests.. 

I would take mini me of course... and maybe a couple of nice Doms to serve and play with.. and I would take my toy bag........

OH and I would make sure there was another building to hold the gym.. (rolling eyes) filled with my "monsters" or machines and a treadmill - cause ya know - I still have goals to reach - and then maintain!!

And everyone would be welcome to come visit :)

 

The Masochist

My whole body was wrapped in burning heat - pain so glorious I couldn't stop smiling  

My thoughts were focused - like a pinpoint on the pain...... nothing else existed - not even the Sadist - though I could see him and hear him - he was like a ghosted figure in my world 

There was total peace in my mind and my soul - something much more intense than anything I get from meditating - or working out at the gym - more intense than anything I have ever experienced before


AND as weird as this may sound - I was sexually aroused because that is who I am - but in that moment - it didn't matter - it wasn't a tangible thing - only the 'blackness' and I don't know why that word comes to mind - but it was like darkness, a warm embracing darkness that did not scare me but surrounded my body and held me tight.

Play Thing

There was a discussion over on Fetlife that I stumbled across that was titled "play is just sometimes fucking play" 

I read it with interest.

I have been on both sides of the argument.........

I know right now after 13 years of BDSM and play being serious shit - nothing to laugh at shit -- that I am totally enjoying the play aspect of it now. 

I have experienced two very different play styles over the last couple of months.  
With the Sadist - there are rules - like a fence around a playground - the rules help me to feel grounded and reassured cause I know exactly what to expect from him and he knows exactly what is expected of me.  And I need that, I realize - I really do - I need to know where I stand - what is expected and what I can expect in return.  It makes play fun and relaxing. They make me feel safe and valued and cared for.

The Daddy Dom relationship had no rules - no expectations.  I really struggle with that - oh it's play and it's fun - but not having that "fence around the playground" leaves me - I am not sure what the word is - ungrounded keeps coming to mind.  Feeling unsure of what is expected of me or what I can expect......  or even what I can ask for.

Play can be just fucking play -- and I know I can't ever go back to serious shit BDSM - nothing to laugh at shit ....... it's just not in me anymore.

BUT

I know for sure -- that there has to be guidelines or rules or something set down at the beginning so at least *I* know what the boundaries are - where the fences are around the play ground.

I need to feel safe and valued and most definitely cared about. 

Bouncing Ball and Q&A

This is one of my bouncing ball posts - just little bits of stuff rambling around ........

**Had my monthly "mental health" check yesterday - some appointments are better than others... yesterday I got a lesson in graphs (grinning) and a lecture on eating (yes Angel even she gave me a lecture and threatened to report me to the doc - sighing) She always seems to tell me the same thing - 1) everything takes time - reprogramming a brain can take longer 2) believe in myself / be gentle with myself  / EAT

** went to the gym after cause I am NOT gonna let the "monsters" beat me.. and the assistant manager was there "Chris" and I asked him for some help moving a seat on one of the machines which he did - but then he took my routine paper out of my hand and studied it - then kinda stomped his foot and then added 3 more machines PLUS free weights to my routine - BUT told me I was to do one set of machines one week and the other set PLUS the free weights the next week. Then he followed me around and corrected my body posture on the machines and kinda bossed me around - then told me he was ex-Army and that explained everything - he's such a drill Sargent (grinning)

** I came home and cleaned the house and did laundry and finally felt more settled than I have for a while now :)  which is a VERY good thing

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

Now ready for today's Q&A ???

Hil first cause I made her wait (grinning) 

.
Hil said:
I love your clit piercing, i would really like something similar (I only have my nipples done at the moment), so my question is - would you have more piercings or another tattoo and if so what and where?
When I was at the piercing studio Hil waiting for my turn - I was going through his catalogue of pictures of piercings and god I was SO tempted to have my labia done.. but the healing time is 6 weeks and I am not going to give up 6 weeks of fun ........I am greedy that way :)

I have been thinking of another tattoo cause that i can put somewhere that won't delay play time .......... probably on my wrist .......... but haven't decided what I would get .. 

keth said...

Not an answer question question, but a begging question - if you do go down to visit kaya, please please pretty please with bells on, post the pics of your visit? Not just the pervy ones (if there are any), but the touristy and friendship ones as well. Please?

grinning  you don't need to beg keth - I most definitely will be bringing my camera with me no way I would leave it at home........ I'll post as many pictures as I can - I promise :)

ronnie said...Here's some questions -
What's your favourite time of the year?
What's your favourite book and movie?
Are you a breakfast eater, and if so, what's your favourite breakfast
Summer hands down is my favourite time of the year - I love the heat !!!  and the sun .. and swimming in some special friends' pool..... and all the activities that go on around here during the summer months :) AND I take so many more pictures during the summer  AND I intend to wear more dresses this summer and flash some leg ... yeah definitely summer !!

Favourite book and Movie are the same - Memoirs of a Geisha  

phewww you had to bring up food eh ronnie?? :) breakfast is usually a glass of juice and a cup of coffee........I used to really love pancakes and sausages.......or a bagel with cheese (but Quebec bagels and I can't get them here)  but both of those are kinda off my eating plan now :)  

Remember everyone leave your questions in the comment box - and yes you can use anonymous :)  I am enjoying the Q&A this year :)   Thanks to everyone who has left me questions :)

OOOOOOPs!! (and Q&A)

On Saturday I posted that my clit jewelry had fallen apart and that Angel was going with me to a friend's piercing studio to get it fixed.

Blackstar told me that he would put it back together - but no promises it would hold.  He told me not to twist it ... but HEY!!  that's the fun of a clit piercing ya know??!!  We talked about the possibility of replacing it with a simple ring - thicker gauge - bigger ball.... and tentatively made an appointment to go back in two weeks to have it done.

I have had the gauge on this jewelry changed once... what an experience!!  I won't say it hurt as much as being pierced - but ya know there is a "je ne sais quoi" about having a bigger ring forced through a small hole....... I just keep telling myself the masochist in me will handle it just fine ........... 

My shy Angel surprised me!  When the jewelry was fixed I wanted a pic to show you all ....... and I asked Angel if she would do it.  She didn't even bat an eyelash.   In fact she squatted down between my spread legs and really got into the picture taking!!!

Here's the one pic I selected to show you all it's fixed and working just fine thank you very much !!

 BUT


 Fast forward to Sunday........ 

We will NOT discuss how or why - but the jewelry came apart again (see my sad face?)

So the decision of whether to change out the bondage ball for a new thicker ring has been made... an email sent to Blackstar - and the date set for Saturday April 2nd....... with Angel at my side and  camera ready!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now for Q&A 

I only had one question from yesterday (I think I am pouting)...

kaya asked:
it's not Japan but have you ever considered visiting Houston? :D

I know you'd said that your daughters have your blog url. What's that been like? Any negatives? Has it changed how or what you will blog about?

What kind of music do you listen to in your car? While playing? While cleaning? 

 kaya is teasing me about thinking about going to Houston..... ya see we've already been talking about my going down for a visit - hell we even got the EVIL Master's permission to have "the brat" show up ........ so yeah kaya I am considering it - when you have cleared your calendar - thinking maybe late August or sooner?? 

And I am thinking the statement about my daughters having the url to The Journey might shock some of you.  BUT let's remember here both my daughters are grown up Adults - and both are in the lifestyle to one extent or another.  

As far as how that affects my writing here.. at first it was difficult to be as open as I usually am - but then I just kinda shut down that part of my brain that is "Mom" .  Youngest daughter (as far as I know) never comes here.  Eldest daughter drops by every so often - to check up on me and make sure everything's moving along well.  (cause ya know - sometimes "Mom" doesn't tell her daughter what she's actually doing !!) The relationship has changed drastically between my daughters and myself since I moved out on my own.  In January when I was down visiting youngest - I brought up the fact that I was "dating" .  She said quite bluntly I might add " just fuck 'em Mom have fun - you don't have to set any example for your daughters anymore!!" (I guess I did something right with the girls)

And as for changing what I post or don't - HELL I just posted pics of my clit jewelry so no it doesn't!! (grinning) 

As for music - despite being retired I still crave the peace and quiet so I seldom have any music on.... except in the car when I am driving

OR (cheeky grin) 

when The Sadist comes to visit it helps drown out the rhythmical sounds of floggers and paddles and canes........... 
Mostly I prefer blues/jazz. 

Oh and Hil - I didn't miss your question - but am gonna answer it tomorrow - I am sure this "stream" of  questions is gonna peter out pretty darn quick and I want something to answer tomorrow....... :)

Remember you can leave your questions in the comments box from now till the end of the month.  and yes you can post your question "anonymously"
 

Sunday Sentiments AND Q&A

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was surprised to find 2 Questions in my comment section!!  Thank you Jan and Anonymous :)

Anonymous said...

How did you manage to retire so young? Is this normal in Canada?

I wish I could say good planning - but it really wasn't.  

First I taught in Quebec in an english school under the English School Board.  About 8 years ago I started to see the handwriting on the wall - the english schools were going to go French.  And I just didn't feel I was fluent enough.  As I worked mostly with special needs children AND I had my own opinion on what French only was going to do to MY kids - I started thinking about getting out.  I went to a couple of workshops on retirement -  crunched some numbers and realized retiring early I was only going to lose about $30 a month from my pensions.  

Then of course Warren was moving to Kingston - so all the stars aligned and I decided to take an early retirement.  

And no I don't think it is "normal" in Canada - though a lot of folks (especially teachers) hope and pray they can retire early.   


An English Rose said...
My question is where is somewhere you would really like to visit?

That's an easy one - I have always - ALWAYS - wanted to visit Japan. I have been obsessed by the oriental culture since I was in my 20's I guess.  I have imported as much of the culture as I can into my new home.  I even have a geisha tattooed on my right ankle ....... all of that is probably as close as I will ever come to actually getting to Japan :)  maybe if I hadn't taken early retirement?? (grinning) 


Thanks for the questions - I loved it!!  
Anyone else got some questions for me??   Just leave them in the comment box and i will answer them the next day.  Remember for the shy folks - you can leave your comment anonymously -- you do not have to use your google account :)

Q & A

NOOOOOOO that is not the same as T & A!

March has always been Question and Answer month around blogland - and this year for some reason I didn't get involved. 

Hell my life is such an open book I can't believe anyone would have any questions left to ask ........... 

BUT - not to be a party poop - IF you have any questions you feel like asking - feel free to drop them in the comment section and I will answer them the next day.

OH and for those of you who don't have a google account or don't want to use it - all you have to do is hit the "comment" button at the bottom of this entry and pick post anonymous - it's as easy as that :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now on to today's posting..............  

I can't remember how long ago I had my clit pierced - but it must be at least 10 years.  I chose a "bondage ball" ring. 

Now that jewelry has been through the wars - to put it mildly.  It has had rope threaded through it - it has been flogged - and whipped - and caned.  It has been twisted and turned and pulled.  AND it is quite a discussion piece when some doctor or medical technician stumbles across it. 

A month ago the bondage ball part of the jewelry fell off on my bed. (it's the loop you can see hanging down)  Thank god I found it!!  Daddy Dom managed to screw it back on.  It lasted a month.  But I found it on the floor one morning when I was making the bed.

I had to make a decision - do I replace it with something else - or see if it can be repaired.  I can't imagine NOT having this particular piece of jewelry.  Trust me when I say it vastly enhances my sexual desires!

Today Angel is coming with me when I go see a piercer friend who will tell me if it can be repaired or if I have to replace it.  He also told me he has never seen anything like it so I am guessing I can't just replace it.  I think every damn thing that can be crossed is crossed for luck - I do want it repaired!!!