Tuesday, March 01, 2016
Yesterday was a bit of an anniversary for me........... no one else noticed - seriously why would they?? It was my anniversary - a painful one,.. and really only mine to mark......
One year ago I came to the realization that my relationship of 13 years with Sir was over.
And because of who I am - of my refusal EVER to give up on someone - I honestly thought we could still live together as friends. And so I stayed in the same house with pain oozing from every pore of my body - walking on egg shells for fear of upsetting the man who had ruled my life for so many years - for another 4 months. Then I tried to take back my life - but hiccuped - and stayed for another 6 weeks.
After the move - I shut down and hid and licked my wounds and cried oceans of tears. God I remember how scared I was........ This living independent from anyone was probably the scariest thing I had ever done in my life. AND I certainly wasn't equipped for it!! I remember even going grocery shopping was an anxiety ridden exercise in futility. I would wander round the aisles looking at food and stuff and not have a clue what food I WANTED ......once I even forgot to pick up toilet paper!
I was terrified of driving anywhere in this new city - I had never done it! AND to think of driving to one of the other near by cities where munches were held - where friends lived turned me into a bowl of quivering jello.
I started seeing a therapist to try and find my way back to the woman I had once been. I lived from day to day and often felt as though I was holding my breathe. So damn afraid something would happen and I wouldn't know what to do..... I honestly didn't believe I would ever feel any better - be any stronger - ever find "ME" again.
But it happened - slowly granted - but I started to find lil pieces hanging around in the weirdest places and I would pick them up and fit them back into place...... and slowly the picture - no more than a picture - the PERSON I was - started to take shape.
NOT a facsimile of who I had been but I believe a better version....... a much better version.
And as I got stronger I thought my exSir and I could be friends...... we could talk and maybe even see each other. (I didn't tell anyone that - not Angel or the therapist or my family because I knew what they would say - in varying forms of diplomacy) We were still friends on Facebook and though not friends on Fetlife - we could still see what the other one was doing.
But somewhere along the way - my eyes opened I guess - I am not sure what happened - and I found I was seeing a man I had never seen before. And as much as it made me sad - it also annoyed the hell out of me. This man - who I thought - could do no wrong - who walked on water - became just a man....... a weak one at that...... and I wondered how I could have thought him strong enough to ever have given my submission to - to have ever given my heart to ........
And I am not proud of it - but last week the straw broke this camel's back and I lost my shit on him....... and blocked him on Facebook and Fetlife - everywhere.
BUT as fast as I finally cut him totally out of my life/heart - well meaning folks started telling me vague innuendos of something he had done. It turned out he had taken my collar and had it framed and at the bottom had put my name and the years we were together .... and it made me feel like I had died....... what a weird feeling that was!!!! Others saw it as something one does when a favoured pet dies ........ Whatever way one interprets this - it definitely signaled the end of a long period of my life.
It was the exclamation point at the end of the sentence.
But still ........ yesterday was the anniversary of the end of 13 year relationship. It deserves to be recognised.