The Ex - a bit of the back story

Yesterday Sugarshack asked me this question:

 question : not to bring up old wounds, but since you and SirSteve knew each other years ago with "W" does "W" know about you two ? has he contacted SirSteve at all ? does it even matter if he knows or contacts SirSteve ?

And yesterday I received an email (teasing me I hope) suggesting I stop writing like a love sick teenager....... 

So I thought I would kill two birds with one stone (so to speak) get off the love sick teenager kick and give you a little back story from 8 years ago.

8 years ago -- W was seeing other women behind my back -- playing with another woman behind my back and defending her outrageous  behaviour towards me.  I took my collar off in a fit of anger.  I disappeared from the BDSM scene and spent a couple of months licking my wounds.  

A dear friend finally convinced me it was time to move out of the shadows and got me to go with him to a play party - where he promised me 'I would meet the hottest woman EVER!'  She was "hot" trust me -- but it was her husband that caught my eye...... and it was her husband I played with.... that husband was Sir Steve.  Back in the day when I wrote about them I called them the "2 Sirs".

Back then W knew about my involvement with the 2 Sirs -- in fact he showed up at a huge event that we went to -- and stood watching Sir Steve beat me.  BUT there was no real interaction between us all -- and certainly the 2 Sirs knew of W but weren't friends with him.  

When the marriage between the 2 Sirs ended we all drifted apart. I went back to W because I was alone and missing someone in my life -- and W was familiar and I was sure we would make it work this time.

And that brings us up to September of this year when Sir Steve contacted me on Facebook.

I can't say for sure that W knows about Sir Steve and I -- but I do know he comes here to read -- and he knows my history well enough to put two and two together..... Also enough common friends have commented on our status change both on Facebook and Fetlife that I would be very surprised if W doesn't know by now.

W has not contacted Sir Steve -- I am not sure why he would - to be honest.  And I do know for certain that Sir Steve would not be all that patient with W should he contact him.   Neither Sir Steve nor myself much care if he knows -- and should we bump into him at an event (which isn't likely as W seems to have stopped attending anything) we would be courteous but nothing more.  There's just too much water under the bridge ya know.

When Sir Steve and I were pushing that reset button -- he said something about my going back to W after we parted ways....... something to the effect that he wasn't that surprised.  Some days I feel like a slow learner (small smile) -- it took me two readings of the same book to figure out the ending would be the same.  Now this 'book' I am reading will have a very different ending....... of that I am sure :)

Play Thing

There was a discussion over on Fetlife that I stumbled across that was titled "play is just sometimes fucking play" 

I read it with interest.

I have been on both sides of the argument.........

I know right now after 13 years of BDSM and play being serious shit - nothing to laugh at shit -- that I am totally enjoying the play aspect of it now. 

I have experienced two very different play styles over the last couple of months.  
With the Sadist - there are rules - like a fence around a playground - the rules help me to feel grounded and reassured cause I know exactly what to expect from him and he knows exactly what is expected of me.  And I need that, I realize - I really do - I need to know where I stand - what is expected and what I can expect in return.  It makes play fun and relaxing. They make me feel safe and valued and cared for.

The Daddy Dom relationship had no rules - no expectations.  I really struggle with that - oh it's play and it's fun - but not having that "fence around the playground" leaves me - I am not sure what the word is - ungrounded keeps coming to mind.  Feeling unsure of what is expected of me or what I can expect......  or even what I can ask for.

Play can be just fucking play -- and I know I can't ever go back to serious shit BDSM - nothing to laugh at shit ....... it's just not in me anymore.

BUT

I know for sure -- that there has to be guidelines or rules or something set down at the beginning so at least *I* know what the boundaries are - where the fences are around the play ground.

I need to feel safe and valued and most definitely cared about. 

10,000 steps

I mentioned the other day that I went to see my doctor for my yearly check up and to bitch about how crappy I have been feeling.  
 
I didn't mention that there was a plus side......... when they weighed me I had - officially - lost 30 pounds!! which is a very good thing and has been a long process.

It started a long way back when Kaya from "under his hand" was talking about having to walk (under orders from her Master) 10,000 steps a day - the one post that stayed with me was how she was on the treadmill late at night trying to reach the goal. That little nugget of information just rattled around in my head ........ for months - maybe longer.

Then I saw my doctor and bitched that I couldn't lose weight - and he suggested walking - 10,000 steps a day.  

Do any of you have any idea how hard it is to do 10,000 steps a day??!!!  

All that to say I bought myself a fitbit late last winter - one of those fancy bracelets that monitor your footsteps - your heart rate - and your sleep.  I have the basic version - the fancy one does a whole lot more - but I just wanted steps and sleep.

I guess it was April or May before I really took the whole thing seriously.  Let me describe how difficult it is to get 10,000 steps.  I go to the gym every morning and spend one hour on the treadmill - going 3mph - panting and sweating.  That gives me approximately 6,000 steps.  ONLY 6,000 !!!  Apparently -- I have learned - it takes 2000 steps to walk one mile.  

BUT to compare - since I retired I don't walk nearly as much as I did when I was teaching -- duh!!  On average I was only walking 1800 steps a day - sitting around the house doing very little.  SO I needed the gym and incentive.

I have been pretty faithful to the gym and the treadmill since June I guess it was.  I would pull on my cute denim runners and off I would go.  I noticed somewhere around August that there were tiny splits on each side of each runner.  and thought then that I should buy a new pair.  BUT I hate shopping and the thought of investing in a good pair of walking shoes was too much for me.

Well - all of that to say --  about 3 weeks ago I noticed my legs were really hurting after 15 minutes on the treadmill - until the last day I could barely stand the pain in my shins after 20 minutes and had to give up and come home.

The doctor scolded me.  Apparently I really do need to invest in good walking shoes if I am gonna work out on the treadmill every day - and strive for my 10,000 steps.

I have spent the last 2 weeks not setting foot in the gym.  Just walking down the hallway to the laundry room made my legs ache.

Yesterday I had my blood tests  -- the ones to make sure there is nothing physically wrong with me.............. and I decided I would go find a decent sports store and see how much these new walking shoes were gonna cost me.  My incentive - the weight had started to creep up again - ok ok - it was only 2 ounces but I saw the writing on the wall.  And besides my birthday is coming - and I would buy myself an early birthday present. (it feels a lot like "socks and underwear" but the skinnier version of me is the BEST birthday present)

I went to two different sports/shoe stores.  And finally settled on a pair that weren't glow in the dark - look at me shoes!!  and didn't totally break the bank!!  who knew proper walking shoes cost that much??!!!

Today I am gonna head back to the gym - gonna walk my 3 miles - gonna start feeling better about me again....... HELL I lost 30 pounds just walking every day - it's  one small step in taking back my life