And NO -- just no

and so the onion soup taste test didn't happen...... shit happens 

forgive me if I am quiet for a couple of days..... it's just been that kind of Christmas.

Maybe?

 My resolve cracked the other night -- I sent Hands an email and opened up a little bit about how much I needed to see him.  He surprised me by answering it (he doesn't usually email -- he prefers chat) and told me he was striving to see me before New Year's eve.

So yesterday -- as it was snowing and the car still had one thing left to fix -- I figured Friday was going to be the day I saw him for private time -- if at all.  AND I decided instead of sitting around on my hands all day fussing and wondering -- I would get busy and make him homemade Quebecois onion soup.  

Truthfully it's one of the foods I miss here in Ontario -- good traditional french onion soup.  And as luck would have it Hands loves onion soup... Ontario style.  I am looking forward to having him compare the two soups -- I am betting Quebecois onion soup will win hands down....and earn me some brownie points -- cause he told me yesterday I have racked up some major "sassy points" 

With any luck (ok ok with a LOT of luck) tomorrow I should be posting we managed to get some private time and the results of the soup tasting. 

Climbing the Walls

I knew Christmas was gonna be hard -- what with all the family obligations......... but Hands had said we would have private time as soon as possible after Christmas........ 

Only thing is ...... on Christmas day his car broke down and had to be towed to the garage.  

He has been very good at giving me play time -- but ya know -- there is only so much solo play time I can take.  I feel like I am drained trying to come up with scenarios that will arouse me -- and interest me. There's nothing left inside me ....... I am drained dry.  I so desperately need our private time.

I have asked when.......... and have been told He'll work it out...... but I am not known as the world's most patient person........ I am quite literally bouncing around -- trying to keep myself occupied so I don't ask again.......BUT the week of holidays is quickly coming to an end.......

I am climbing the walls and that is not a good thing.

Deflated

After Christmas -- immediately after -- is always such a let down....... I feel deflated.

I didn't do much yesterday -- just puttered about the house.  I had vowed I wouldn't go near the shops this week -- but I managed to forget my toothbrush at my daughter's so I ran out to the drugstore and picked up a new one......... and then right back home.

After freezing rain on Monday -- and cloudy and windy and cold yesterday I am quite ready for some sun and something to lift my spirits.

I don't go back to work until the 9th -- so I have almost 2 weeks of retirement life to muddle through..... and boredom to fight.......... 

the joys of the post holiday season..... 

Christmas Past

I am home again -- and there really is "no place like home".

Some Christmases are definitely better than others 
Some Christmases are definitely more stressful than others
Some Christmases I feel like a BIG Grinch........

What I need right now is to feel grounded again... I don't think anyone can fully understand how important it is for my sanity to be grounded.........

When I am feeling lost and hurting I need to feel the touch of his hand -- feel the burn from a spanking -- feel his strength -- feel his calming nature work it's magic on me.............. 

seeing him would be the best Christmas present ever!

Merry Christmas

Wishing you the joy of the holiday season -- 

And may all your kinkiest wishes come true.

Family Christmas

Surprise!

I am in Montreal with the family.  I managed to pack up all the presents -- dinner for tonight -- clothes and my computer into my little car. 

I have my computer with me because I nearly had a major breakdown at the thought of leaving it at home.  I wanted (ok maybe needed) to be able to write in my blog and I needed to feel like I was still connected to Hands and CG a little bit ya know?   I need to preserve my sanity amidst all this Norman Rockwell Family Christmas.  (other wise known as insanity)

I love my family - honest I do !!! 

And I am only here till Monday - or Tuesday - or god only knows -- it all depends on the weather.  

"Silent night -- holy night -- all is calm -- all is bright" ( she sings as she quietly slips back into family celebrations.

Cure for Boredom

I am pretty sure I mentioned here that I went looking for part time substitute work to try and cure my boredom -- and to fight the 'sads' that come with winter.

I received a phone call from my boss a couple of weeks ago - she needed someone to work with a Kindergarten kiddy who has spina bifida and is confined to a wheel chair. She sang my praises -- said I was the perfect fit for this lil guy who desperately needed to learn how to socialize with other children.  All I could think was -- in 30 years I never worked with a child in a wheel chair -- and definitely never changed diapers.  

I took some time to think about it -- went in to school and met him and followed his shadow for a couple of hours. And thought about it some more.

I agreed to do it one day at a time -- if I wasn't comfortable with him then I wouldn't do it -- even if it was only for the 2 weeks till the holidays. 

Well I am on my second week with him.  He touched something deep inside of me -- the same spot that led me - 30 years ago - to working with my "special kids"  And I knew this was what I wanted -- no needed -- to do.

On Wednesday I asked my boss if she still needed someone to work with this lil guy in the new year -- to help integrate him into the classroom -- to help him make friends -- to help him learn some basic social skills and she did.

So as of  Jan 9th I will be working 5 days a week for a couple of hours every morning....... 

I realized that boredom is more than having nothing to do -- it is (at least for me) needing to feel like I am contributing / making a small difference. 

Family and Holidays

The holidays always make me more sentimental than usual.  

I have 3 grandsons and I see them about once a month.  In my mind's eye -- when I am not with them -- they are still the little guys that spent a day with me in early December every year till I moved and helped me decorate the house......

 and bake ginger bread houses.....  

Now the eldest one is grown up -- some time over the last almost 17 years he grew up ...... I didn't see it until the other day when he posted a selfie on Facebook and my jaw dropped.  

I studied that pic for a long time -- his expression -- his new hair cut -- the typical teenage angst written all over his face.

Yesterday I had an hour to kill so I stalked his facebook page.  Dear lord in heaven!!  He and all his friends talk in some weird code..... from 'angery' (was it just a spelling mistake?? don't think so -- from browsing his friends it appears to be a perfectly acceptable word) to calling each other 'squirrels' to other words that had no meaning in any language I know.

It made me smile ...... made me remember my own kids growing up ..... took me back to my teenage years ...... the angst -- the coded speak ..... all of it. 

Yeah Christmas and pics of grown up kids makes me sentimental ........ and that is a very good thing!

Busy Chrstmas Elf

Yesterday was one of those busy busy wait days..... my internet has been acting screwy for a week or so -- and yesterday was the day for the tech to come...... They told me to be home by 11 -- and so............. from 11 till 2:30 I sat and waited.  Fussing cause I really wanted to be out finishing up my last messages......... 
Long story short -- he arrived -- spent forever trying to fix the problem -- only to land up giving me a brand new modem (which I told him he should do at the beginning!)

So I now have a computer that works again -- YAY!  but didn't have time to write a blog.......... 

Here's a little something I hope brings a smile..........

 

Christmas Lists

We are down to 6 days until Christmas......... and Santa isn't the only one checking lists .......I am frantically making lists for the holidays........

*clothes to pack for Christmas with the kids
*food and supplies to pack for my visit with the kids
*last minute shopping I have to get done

checking the calendar -- hoping that Hands and I can fit in some private time over the holidays -- hoping I can do a run up to them to deliver parcels -- 

watching the weather for both the trip to Montreal and the visits with Hands and CG........ 

6 more days -- and I know from experience that everything will come together -- even if it needs a little duct tape to hold it all together...... 
 

Christmas Theme

So despite my mixed feelings over the weekend -- I did have a plan...... 

My girls have been begging me to make "grandma's Christmas sandwich cookies" (that would be MY mother -- not me) 

They are not my favourite cookies to make -- they sure aren't a drop by a spoon onto cookie sheet and bake type of cookie.  No they are more a knead and roll out and cut with cookie cutter kind of cookie -- and take about 3 days in total to make.

I usually make one batch or about 2 - 2 1/2 dozen..... and they never make it past Christmas dinner.  This year my eldest daughter told me the only thing she really wanted for Christmas was a batch of the Christmas Sandwich cookies all for herself.  So I decided to make extra......... that was last weekend ..... the baking part.......... 
(almost 240 cookies = almost 10 dozen sandwich cookies) 

This weekend I had to sandwich them together with strawberry jelly (not jam cause the lumps of strawberries tend to make the cookie layers slide about) 

Then each sandwich cookie had to be iced with a white buttercream icing.

And then the icing decorations had to be added -- and I am the first to admit -- my decorating skills leave a lot to be desired and the finished product looks nothing like the above picture of professionally made cookies...... but mine are made / decorated with love which makes up for my lack of artistic skills.

I always add holly and red berries... for some reason I couldn't find my cake decorating set -- so bought a cheap one.  GOD !!  never again!!  It was next to impossible to get the plunger thing to work -- and I have bruises on my hand and fingers from trying to push the icing through the piper head........

AND on top of that -- my apartment building holds a Christmas dinner for everyone every year.  Saturday night was the dinner.  I didn't feel much like going even with a free turkey dinner, music and door prizes.  BUT I decided to force myself to go..... and dressed in the spirit of the holidays.......... 

Trust me when I say I raised more than a few eyebrows in my get up........ well with the women -- the men didn't seem to mind much at all.....  

Sunday I spent quietly -- I had planned on making a couple of cinnamon bread loaves -- but I have 4 days this week to get that done though I am working four mornings..... ahhhh well if it doesn't get it done no one's the wiser -- the Christmas sandwich cookies were the only real request for the holidays :)

AND before I forget -- I did get a message from Hands on Friday night -- with a very firm task requirement.  I bitched a little bit -- but truthfully -- it felt wonderful to know he wanted me occupied this weekend -- with thoughts of him........ makes a girl feel appreciated ya know? and that is a very good thing ! 

Christmas Sentiments

and because it is almost Christmas -- here's another one for you............

 

Stupid Feelings

I have mixed stupid feelings....... CG and Hands are away this weekend -- and I am feeling lonely ..... I am already missing my quick weekend chats with Hands.... 

And yet I am so very happy they are getting this time away..... they both need it so badly....... and I wouldn't want them to be anywhere else.

I am thinking this is part of the downfall of poly -- wanting and missing -- and yet feeling very happy and contented that they are having their 'private time' ......

Maybe I worked too many hours this week -- and I am over tired and not feeling very logical........ 

I have a mess of Christmas cookies that need to be assembled - and Netflix movies to be watched........ the weekend will fly by ....... 

right?
 

Holidays

Holidays - especially Christmas - are a stressful busy time.  I know I am missing Hands and CG -- a lot!  though I am hoping to see them between Christmas and the New Year.

BUT it isn't just stressful for humans.  My dear cat Miss Ashes has been struggling since the day I put the tree up.

It sits on a hassock that sits in front of the window.  That is Miss Ashes' spot!  Her reaction to the tree was not a happy one....... 

She eventually agreed to a compromise.......... the tree could share the window seat...........

But then I put the gifts under the tree and there was no way for her to jump up ....... at least not without knocking the gifts or the tree over.......

 She did express her displeasure one evening when I was wrapping gifts by trying to sit on my lap while I was wrapping -- then climbing on top of the already wrapped gifts and giving me the 'evil eye'

So she has been sulking -- and I do mean sulking!!  I didn't think much about her unhappiness ..... or pay attention to folks warning me she would get even.... she is a cat for heaven's sakes!!  And as much as I love her and talk to her and pamper her -- she is a cat -- revenge?? gimme a break. 


At 4 am yesterday morning I heard a huge crash and bang......... I jumped out of bed.  I was positive someone had broken into the apartment.  With heart pounding I came out of the bedroom and made  my way down to the living room/dining room.  I flipped on the light.  The tree was still standing -- everything looked fine -- until I turned and looked at the dining room.  The table was bare........ the Christmas runner was on the floor the candle sticks were on the floor -- the candles had rolled under the table.  Miss Ashes sat by a chair in the living room as if it was all my fault!  And I guess in a way -- in a cat way -- it was my fault.

The joys of the Christmas season

Time of the Year

It's almost Christmas ....... the busiest time of the year.

And my absolute favourite time of the year!!  

So for the next 10 days I am gonna talk about Christmas...... and I'll understand if you groan and come back after the 25th.. I will honestly!!

I know I showed you all the craft I made -- my Santa sleighs.  I put them under the tree and mixed them in with the presents... and was sitting here last night thinking how pretty it all looked especially my sleighs....... 

And then -- being me -- my mind wandered  -- back to last Christmas season and a sweet young submissive who put a candy cane in her mouth and tempted me .. taunted me... dared me to take it out..........  I was such a good girl a year ago!

and then -- I had been perving pics and gifs of Christmas to share with Hands and came across this  candy cane one.........

I couldn't help but wonder if a candy cane would be anything like a ginger root butt plug............ but then I don't know what a ginger plug feels like either .......... 

Mind you I have a whole box of candy canes left over from the Santa sleighs..... who knows -- maybe I'll share them with Hands and see what he comes up with......... 

Yup -- it's that time of the year and I am in my glory!

Last of the Naughty Girl List

And the most difficult ......... 

I know I have hinted at anal play before this -- how it was important to Hands -- how - because of that importance - I worked up the nerve to talk to the doctor about my ability to participate (because of past medical issues) -- and how Hands has had me 'practicing' during my 'play times'.

Hands has sent me gifs of anal play -- and created a fantasy of it for me.  It changed from being taboo to something 'hot'.  It changed from being something overpoweringly painful even to contemplate to something sensual and something I crave to fully experience.

It has made me want this 

for him......... 

So the saying is true -- at least for me ....... 

"The difference between a good girl and a naughty girl is that good girls are very selective who they are naughty with ......... "

Naughty Girl List (contd)

Scratching an Itch

I have this fetish - one I've had since I was a young girl.  I love knives ...... and I love the feel of the sharp blade against my skin.  

There are many forms of knife play -- and I have yet to find anyone who will actually cut me.   BUT sensual knife play is a good substitute.  I can run any number of fantasies through my head while the knife is sliding across my bare skin -- tickling a nipple -- or leaving tracks down my belly - mostly I fantasize about the point slicing through the top layer of skin -- of blood droplets forming feeling them slowly running down my body.

Hands does not do knives..... actually I know very few Tops or Doms that do do knives.  AND I won't do knife play unless it is with someone I trust with my life -- because quite frankly -- it IS my life at risk.

I do have a married couple - friends - who I visit from time to time.  The husband does sensual knife play.  I hadn't seen them for awhile -- and made plans to go up and visit them over the weekend (with Hands' consent of course) 

There was no promise of knife play -- the only promise that was made was for a good dinner -- lots of discussions and a warm bed. (by myself!!  sheesh you guys !!!)

But as luck would have it -- the wife had a playmate coming over in the evening -- so he and I were left to our own devices for an hour or so.  He brought out the knives and we both had our primal need for sharp blades and lovely red lines engraved in skin fulfilled.

It was a lovely way to spend a wintry evening ........ and a "good scratch at my itch".


 

Sunday Sentiments

Not a good day

For over a year I have been seeing a therapist -- she has literally held me together through the uncollaring -- the moving out on my own -- my eating problems -- my anxiety -- all of it!

She phoned me the other evening to tell me she is giving up her practice ........ I still have 2 appointments -- one next week actually -- but she didn't want to drop it on me -- she wanted to give me time to process before I saw her.  She that's kind of therapist -- is it any wonder I am in shock and filled with anxiety.

How am I gonna do this on my own now??? that's the only question that keeps rolling around in my head.  I talked with CG ....... she told me to make a list of questions...... but I don't have any -- except how am I gonna do this alone??  I can barely breathe.......... 

so yeah -- yesterday was not a good day.

Tasks - Naughty Girl List (contd)

One of the obstacles that Hands and I had to overcome was the distance between us.  and our busy lives.

To try and keep us connected, every once in a while, (in the beginning) Hands would tell me to masturbate.  (actually he called it "play time") and I would call those times "tasks" here on the Continued Journey (that was the 'good girl's' way of handling it)

In between times I would masturbate without being told..... but I thought to myself -- I want him to know how often I need to masturbate.  I assumed -- like so many before him -- when he discovered how strong my sex drive was -- it would drive him off -- it had happened over and over before.  Which just proved to me that something must be wrong with me!!   So I told him I was going to ask for permission to masturbate every time I needed to -- and if he was working he didn't have to answer -- but I wanted him to know.

Well a couple of things happened ..... 
1 - was that now I have no desire to masturbate unless he tells me to and fortunately he's pretty damn frequent about play times -- and doesn't accept excuses not to....
2 - it gave him a chance to introduce me to anal via the internet --  making me start playing with myself -- without him being here. and help me deal with the taboo nature of it -- and my total fear of doing it.

ohhhhhh and there is one other thing that has happened 
3 -  before - masturbating was just a 'taking care of business' sort of thing -- now Hands will push my limits a little bit -- and add some twists to the play time -- for example adding nipple clamps -- or clothes pegs -- or more than one play time over a period of time.

Hands hasn't run from my sexuality -- if anything he has encouraged it and pushed it.  He has always said my orgasms are for him whether I am with him or not.. and the more I have the happier he is.

What an amazing transformation that has created in me -- now I am not ashamed of my sex drive -- if anything it is growing ........ and that (I am learning) is a very good thing!

Busy Bee

Today is gonna be short and sweet.

I have had an amazingly busy week so far.  I worked Monday to Wednesday in the afternoon.  In the mornings I either ran messages or did Christmas baking.  AND Hands gave me a 'task' to do on top of it all. (not that I am complaining!!)

Wasn't I complaining just a short while ago that I was dying of boredom?? 

And I will confess to you all -- I have reached a point in my "naughty girl list" that is difficult for me to write about ....... the 'good girl' is having difficulty finding the right words.......... but I will get back to it.........

Now I am off -- I am working an early morning shift today...... and then off till Monday.

Naughty Girl List (contd)

Before, when I was collared, I wasn't allowed to wear underpants.  It made me feel very uncomfortable and embarrassed.  Changes happened -- and I started to wear them again -- without a thought.

Hands worked very hard to make me start feeling comfortable with my body -- with my self image -- with my sexuality.  I remember the second time we had private time together........ I decided to wear a cute lil dress but no underwear.  I can still see Hands' face when he ran his hand up under my dress.  My heart nearly stopped.  I thought he was shocked -- I thought he would think less of me.

We didn't talk about it for a long time.  Then one day - in a moment of weakness - I asked him if I had shocked him that day.  He just gave me this wicked grin of his and said 'not at all'.  

Since then I never wear underpants when we have private time...... it makes  me feel sexy.  I was wondering why this time was so different...... and I realized that because Hands encourages my sexuality -- enjoys it -- and pushes me to fully accept it myself -- that not wearing underwear is actually a huge turn on. 

When Hands says he wants me fully accessible to him it is not just words.  He means it.  And he takes full advantage of my accessibility.  What a difference from before -- when mostly I felt invisible!!  I never feel invisible with Hands -- I never feel I should repress my sexuality -- I am learning how to be a naughty girl for the right man.  

And that is a very good thing!

Naughty Girl List (contd)

On Friday I posted my thoughts on blow jobs here.....

What I didn't realize -- what I had never been shown -- ever been taught -- was -- there is more to blow jobs than just sucking cock.  (or there can be) 

Those not on the 'naughty list' might be asking "what else can there be?"  

Playing with his balls!  Sucking his balls!  Who knew?? Certainly not me!  I was brought up to believe that a male's balls are untouchable........ tender little snowflakes that react badly to touch.

Imagine my shock when Hands told me to suck his balls the first time!!  Turns out it is something that men enjoy.... I did NOT know that!!  It seemed wicked -- and definitely very naughty -- and a bit dangerous.  I was terrified I would do something that would hurt..... damage them .... send him screaming from the house.

Imagine my awkwardness the first time ...... 
here I am faced with two balls hanging in front of me ... He said "suck them" but as I looked at them -- I couldn't imagine fitting THAT completely in my mouth -- they wouldn't fit!!

That first time I did the best inexperienced job I could -- but trust me -- the next week I was googling everything I could find on the subject.  For the right man I want nothing more than to please.......... so I googled!

And when we are together -- I practice.

I didn't get discouraged...... after all - practice makes perfect right?!  I googled some more...... I even went looking for some gifs/porn to demonstrate......... 

I won't say I am perfect -- hell I am probably far from perfect...... but I must be doing something right -- cause Hands hasn't stopped my practice.

And now the nervousness about the whole thing has eased -- I am actually finding it 'hot' ....... and very 'naughty'!

Christmasy post

No updates today on my 'naughty girl list' ......

Sunday was a Christmas day -- I had plans to try and make something called Santa Sleighs that I had seen years ago in some magazine.

I vaguely remembered candy canes and kitkat bars and small chocolate bars -- ribbons and bows..........

  
I spent most of the morning wrapping small chocolate bars -- juggling them into a pile -- hot glue gunning them together then hot glue gunning ribbons and bows.  Sometimes I get these bright ideas for Christmas crafts and they turn out to look tacky and home made.  But to be honest -- I was quite impressed with the outcome..........

Now all the kids on my Christmas list will get one -- and even some of the "kids at heart".

Sunday afternoon Angel stopped by for coffee and I had picked up some Christmas shortbread (no I am not making any this year -- my baking list involves sandwich cookies and maple fudge.)  We had a really nice visit and caught up on all the news.  It was like old times !

And that was my Christmas Sunday -- 

I promise for those of you just dying to know more on the 'naughty girl list' I will continue that theme tomorrow......

Sunday Sentiments

Hung Over

Ok -- first this blog is late because........... Hands and CG came for dinner last night........ and because CG and I had planned a celebration with lots of wine and cheesecake ........ I bought the above HUGE bottle of wine -- and CG brought another one........... AND we did a damn good job at polishing them off.

AND I forgot today was NOT Sunday (I did have a Sunday Sentiments queued up and ready to post) 

Once I had managed to focus my eyes -- stop my head from spinning -- AND got one cup of coffee into me -- I thought I had better post something... 

As I was writing this I realized it is just more proof how I earned 73% naughty on that meme I took.  You see the "good girl" NEVER drank -- well maybe a glass of wine -- but my wine consumption was measured in glasses not sizes of bottles.

It's just another piece of the new me -- the naughty me 

Porn anyone?

When Hands and I first started chatting/negotiating he asked me if I ever watched porn.   I gave my "good girl" pat answer.... 'Nooooo never!'

From that point on -- every so often Hands would send me pics or gifs of sex acts.  I cracked under the pressure and told him I had a confession to make -- yes I did on occasion watch porn -- and rather liked the gifs he sent me and where could I find them.  He happily obliged me with some urls.

And that began the back and forth teasing between us.

This was one of the first gifs I sent him -- tentatively and worried sick he would think differently of me.........

One of my favourite (naughty) things is giving blow jobs.  BUT I didn't know how hot it could be... until I gave Hands a blow job.

Before.... when I did it..... the guy didn't get hard ...... and when I would look at him he was watching television....... my efforts obviously having little effect on him.
Then later on when I tried with another guy -- it felt like he was doing me a favour. 

BUT with Hands -- he was very into it -- always watching me -- sometimes wrapping his hands in my hair and directing the speed and depth.  (and believe me when I say he went deep -- cheeky grin) Feeling him grow hard in my mouth started to wash away the negative feelings I had learned.

Hands' acceptance and encouragement began the new positive self talk -- the start of a new more sexually confident me. 

December 1st

I took one of those silly memes over on Facebook the other day -- a Christmas one.  It declared I was 27% nice and a whopping 73% naughty.  Now honestly !!!  who would believe I was THAT naughty?!

(clearing throat) except ....... well since I have been with Hands and CG I have been encouraged to develop my "naughty" side...... and oh what fun it has been!!!

BUT honestly truly -- it is ALL Hands' fault....... he is turning me into this wicked naughty lil subbie. (cheeky grin)

I thought seeing as the holiday season is upon us -- for the next 4 weeks I would explore some naughty behaviours....... live up to my 73% naughty reputation.  

So for the next 4 weeks or so -- welcome to the 
Christmas Edition of the Continued Journey!!