Down the rabbit hole

i am down today...........

i shouldn't be.. as Perfectdt said in a comment on the 29th "retail therapy sounds good" it should have perked me up right??? It would for most women.. and Sir didn't even get cross with me for buying the new clothes.......... but shopping isn't my thing... it is simply a thing i did to try and fill an emptiness.... and we all know 'things' really don't fill that kind of emptiness.

Then as if spending our anniversary alone with daydreams of 'what could have been' wasn't enough of a downer.. that evening i was sitting on messenger waiting/hoping Sir would get home in time to chat a little bit with me... and who should pop up in my chat window but Sir's 'ass double' ....... the ass He beats from time to time.. the ass that bruises and marks and takes every damn thing He throws at it without a whimper... she was feeling remorseful.. wanted to apologise for the way she had treated me.. she had been hostile towards me (i saved that chat let me tell you.. cause when i tried to tell Sir how hostile she was towards me before.......He always had an excuse or something and i felt He never believed me)

i have worked very hard for almost 9 months to push this 'ass double' out of my mind... she is not part of my life .... Sir agreed i didn't have to have anything to do with her... she did not have to be a part of my life (though i honestly think He always secretly wished we had managed to click and get along better) .... and there she was back in my face.. never mind my mind UGH

Yesterday i couldn't help but wonder what she really wanted from that chat... i am seriously suspicious of someone who stabs me in the back ... and then tries to suck up.. ya know?? maybe it is a flaw of mine ...... shrug.. maybe not.. but i couldn't help but wonder..

So now i am back trying to push her out of my life again.... out of my psyche out of my mind.............. more retail therapy?? i don't honestly think it will work...

And then Sir was telling me last evening how pooped He was from His day trip with the squad on Wednesday.. how Thursday was a slow day... a day when He did very little but slouch on the couch...........and of course my heart sank.. cause He is off with the squad again today... from sunup to way past sundown again... and tomorrow is our only day......... our only day !!! and i have visions of an exhausted Sir.. a pooped Sir.. a Sir curled up on the sofa in the condo trying to recharge His batteries before the next foray on Sunday with the squad......... will it never end??

and if i sound like a selfish subbie.. a totally ungrateful .. ungraceful subbie.......

well i AM !!

i haven't worked out all the kinks yet.. some are a damn sight harder to let go of... and the whole mess just makes me cry........

so yeah i am down today........ seriously down the rabbit hole.

pity party

i had an upside down day today...

you see... July 29th... today .. is our anniversary. And usually by now i would have the number engraved in my skin... and i would have had my ass reddened... and i would be feeling well and truly owned.

BUT ..the real world came stomping in with great big boots and trampled all the dreams i had for today............

There is a children's camp .. just south of here.. for handicapped children.... and Sir's 78th Fraser Highlanders were going down for the afternoon to entertain the children with bagpipes and sword dances and muskets......... i feel so selfish for wanting Him not to go....... i am glad i kept my mouth shut tight...

And it's not like He didn't remember the day .. i received an absolutely gorgeous arrangement of flowers yesterday - with a lovely anniversary card that said He would be thinking of me today.......... which of course set me off completely and i cried and cried .. and couldn't seem to stop crying..



This morning i decided i could sit home and feel lonely and sorry for myself or i could get myself out of the house and go shopping...... (go figure .. i HATE shopping) and run messages... it is after all just a day in the life of right??

Off i went.......... and quite truthfully broke a cardinal rule of NOT buying something without checking with Sir first. BUT .. i couldn't check with Him could i now?? He wasn't within range......... so i bought some new jeans (a smaller size i am happy to say) and black and white top (to replace the one i ruined in the wash last winter) and a red blazer for my new job. i felt justified in doing it cause the store was having a 75% off sale... and Sir has taught me to buy on sale.... think He'll go for that one?? nah probably not eh?

Then i took all my winter blazers to the cleaners.. AND i even took my car in to get an appointment to have it rust proofed (which Sir has been yipping at me to do since i bought it !!)

And then i bought all kinds of different salad ingredients cause i am having some girlfriends in on Friday night for dinner (Sir will be off with the 78th squad again at the Highland games) ......... and then i stopped into the local chocolatier and picked up some of the most delectable chocolate desserts........ small dark chocolates filled with sobert fillings - orange, strawberry and lime - for dessert on Friday.

And then i came home.

Other than feeling just a bit guilty about clothes purchases .. i declare today a not so bad day after all............

And we will have our "anniversary day" one of these days.... and then i can tell you all what i bought for Sir this year... i am SO excited about it... and it has such a story behind it.... but it will have to keep until Sir actually opens it..........

Sevice subbie

Sometimes it is just damn hard to fit BDSM into a weekend.. especially a busy weekend.. like last weekend.

Nor did it help that i was in A mood... maybe it would have helped my mood.. who knows??? but i was in A mood.. and so the whooping that Sir tried to give me Sunday morning just didn't work very well... it didn't feel "good" .. it had me white knuckling it and wishing it didn't hurt so bad.. wishing i could get on top of it... which didn't happen....i don't even remember which toy was my undoing..... i know Sir started with the damn cane.. and i HATE the cane.... and moved upwards from that... i just know i had had more than i wanted and landed up crying - which usually - 9 times out of 10 - makes Sir uneasy and so He stops.

If He had continued would i have been able to move on?? Maybe..... shrug.. who knows?? maybe i would have cried my broken hearted tears out and been able to move on....

BUT as it is.. Sir stopped .. and i retreated to my lil chair and curled up and was glad it was over.. (not a very good sub was i?)


Later.. in the afternoon..... Sir called me to come to Him... i was thinking 'oh dear god He is going to try and whoop me again" and felt my stomach knot up.... But instead He never moved from His prone position on the sofa.. He just looked up at me and said "Service Me".

My brain was really slow to respond. 'Service Me' doesn't happen very often anymore.. hardly at all actually. Finally my subbie brain processed the command and i got down on my knees and fumbled (god i never get any better at it!!) at His belt and fly.. but managed to get everything open and down... and got to work "servicing Him" ...........

Almost immediately my brain shifted gears.... my mind's eye could see the image created.. ass in the air.. head down.. mouth moving slowly methodically over and around and up and down on Sir's cock.......... and oh my god i found the image HOT!!! It curls my toes.. it does !! (which is why i love the picture i used today.. to me her toes are curled too... and she looks so damn hot giving him the blow job!)

And the other part of 'Service Me' is that it never ever evolves into sex...... i never get played with .. or cum. It is simply a service ............ which is objectifying.. in a way. (not that i would want to become an object to Sir.... but still .. on the odd occasion... in the right circumstances.. it too is very HOT)

In two weeks we are heading off to BDSM camp - that will probably be the next opportunity we get to have a session......... and of course i am stressing like mad that i will not be able to take it....... cause like .. ya know.. i haven't been conditioned.. my ass will be soft and i will screech.. and cry and slobber and make a fool of myself and Sir.. sigh.......... umm of course i could just pack the really easy toys.. the limp wristed wet noodle toys .. the ones that sound bad but hardly make an impact .. and i can act really well.. yelp and scream and make a nonsense so everyone thinks i am taking massive amounts of pain.. i could right???



but ya all know.. i won't.

The BIG Adventure

Saturday was The BIG Adventure day for granny and Grumps - oooooops !! Gramps. We were taking the youngest grandbaby to the train museum.

Now this was a BIG adventure for grandbaby - cause he has never come away with Gramps and granny........ and a BIG adventure for youngest daughter and son-in-law cause they were letting us take him.. and of course a BIG adventure for Gramps and granny!!

i think i stressed over the weather all week.. checking and re-checking the weather forecast.. cause ya know... it would be sooooooooo much nicer to do the train museum in the sunshine versus the rain.. cause if it rained there would be no garden train to ride.. and maybe the tram wouldn't run (around the perimeter of the train yard)

BUT the day dawned cloudy with promised sunny breaks. The grandbaby arrived on time with stroller and diaper bag - filled with rain coats and boots and blankets and blueberry and elephant and pull-ups and god only knows what else stuffed into it... oh yeah and the car seat.

We waved goodbye to Mom and Dad and took off on our adventure - a word grandbaby didn't know..... but learned on Saturday !!

And what a day we had !! Both Sir and i wondered what his reaction would be to the huge trains .... to the semi darkness.. to the noises.. would he cry and want his Mommy or dance off happy to explore. (Truthfully both Sir and i figured he would be dancing off to explore - but ya know - there was always the chance........... )

So here was our day at the day train museum................

Our first BIG train


"this a-way guys !!"

Boy these are BIG trains!!

OH OH!!! scary engine noises !!

More my size !

WOW! Thomas the Tank

Here comes the tram !!

Riding the garden train with Gramps

Time to head home.......

What a BIG adventure !!

(take a gander at the train engine tucked in the crook of his one arm.. with elephant in the other !! )

Mystery Solved

This morning over on My Bottom Smarts Bonnie has her usual Sunday Brunch Question...This week's question is about security on one's blog.. protecting your anonymity ... which made me remember back in May the scare i had .. thinking someone from the Island had found my secret life.. my blog.

i shut down The Journey for a couple of days. i tried rationalizing.. i tried being reasonable.. but all i was left with was fear. Someone had found my blog !!!

It made me think about the number of times Sir and i have been to munches/play parties and bumped into folks we knew from the vanilla world. The old adage - if they are there too you have nothing to worry about - always kept me calm.

BUT finding my blog seemed different somehow.. seemed more an invasion of my privacy? my private life ?? i am not sure.. i do know i felt panic.

The whole mystery was solved on Friday when lone wolf gave me a phone call. He was a parent of one of my "kids" and was my "oh my god" moment when he came to a munch a few years back. He and i have stayed in touch .. now that his children have moved on.., and he has moved on. Stayed in touch translates to a phone call every month or so.

In our catch-up with each other's news on Friday.. i brought up how someone from the Island had found my blog........ as the words left my mouth i thought "lone wolf??" but he doesn't have a home computer.... but i asked anyway....... had he popped onto my blog recently. He apologised and said no... not for a while now. i figured he couldn't have been him.. but then he mentioned it was at least a couple of months. And he had logged on from the Island - on a friend's pc. Mystery Solved.

And i realized... that what i write here is me.. the private part of me.. the part very few get to see...

And i realized that i can't live my life in fear that someone find this blog....

i either do this.. or i don't..

If i don't then i run and hide...

If i do it.. then i do it.. out in the open.. if someone finds me.. they find me.. (bless swan for teaching me a lesson about honesty )

All of this is to say.......... The Journey is back - with all it's 'features' from home corners to grandbabies to my bare ass to a direct link to Sir's blog back in the right hand column.........

Too much time on my hands...

i was surfing again yesterday.... baby daughter says i have way too much time on my hands... BUT .. i figure i am on summer holidays i can have too much time on my hands .. ya know?!

Anyway... for some reason i went back to FetLife.... i don't know why .. that place really does tend to get my blood pressure up....... BUT then on the other hand it gives me a little insight into how others see / live this lifestyle (well maybe not.. they might all be players .. but as i do know some "real" folks on there - like swan and kaya and Sir and Cloud i am guessing they aren't all players)

One of the groups (Masters and slaves) had a topic that caught my eye.. the question asked was "should a slave return her collar when the relationship ends?" and the second part of the question was " would you wear a collar that someone else had worn"..........

i didn't exactly see what the problem was... in my opinion yes the collar should be returned.. AND .. if a Master gives me a collar that has been used....... i don't think it would bother me..unless of course (as i said in my comment) He expected me to wear it at the same time as the girl who had it first!!! (i don't think anyone else saw the humour.......... sucks to be them!!)

Anyway.. having decided it was a semi intelligent discussion i moved on to see what other discussions were going on in this group........ the next one that struck me was a young submissive had lost her mom to cancer and she was told by her Master to .. basically.. suck it up.. be strong .. and keep smiling He didn't want to see her cry........... HUH?? excuse me!!! WTF???? i kinda think someone should give Him a lesson or two on grieving and caring.. and supporting....... and of course i said so.. politely and diplomatically but still.. it had to be said !!

Then there was one that caught my eye.. As Masters do You allow Your slaves to have sex with other doms?

Now this one caught my interest because wayyyyyyyy back at the beginning of our relationship .. Sir would - from time to time - suggest He might loan me out....... now He didn't say what for.. BUT my mind (being the dirty mind it is) figured He meant for sex as well as serving and whooping... (yes Buffalo whooping!! cheeky grin)

So i started to read...... i was amazed at the number of Doms that said yes they would loan out their submissive/slave to other Doms for sex... (does that make them Pimps?? )

The best one for making me choke on my coffee was the Dom who said that He would most definitely loan her out.. but she of course would not be allowed to cum.... unless of course He was there..........

And then the winner... the absolute WTF is this guy about ..........
He talked about fucking a slave who was owned/lived with another Dom... He gave some background on this lady....
Nevertheless, because of her personal history, she was molested by her parents since puberty, she's a natural sub and a natural slut.

and i just sat there staring at the screen getting angry..... He even went so far as to say that He believed her being used as a sexual object was therapeutic...... HUH??
i just wanted to slap Him.. and her owner........ who in their right mind thinks that a young girl is a natural slut and natural submissive because she has been molested for years???!!! Doesn't anyone think that just maybe she might need some help?? and not of the sexual kind. Isn't that a form of sexual abuse too?? or at the very least taking advantage of a skewered self image ????

So i logged off Fet Life.. decided i did have way too much time on my hands.. and moved outside to dig in my gardens.....

A little Porn

of the garden variety............ ok now i have your attention.. here are some shots from the garden........ (and yah i know i am supposed to use the other blog for boring vanilla stuff.. but i decided to post these here cause i have nothing to say today .. of any value or worth)

Let's start with the lilies.. truthfully i don't much like them... the condo association planted them literally EVERYWHERE and they do tend to take over the garden and garden paths.. but still they add a little colour to an otherwise monochrome look........



These are my daisies... i love daisies and have white ones (which for some reason are now finished) my black eyed susans and my cone head purple daisies...

Here is a cone head daisy - the only brave one to have actually opened.....



My black eyed susans are just coming into bloom....


opening.............



opening a lil more.................



almost open............


and last but certainly not least.. my hydrangea... it had a rough start.. i transplanted it in the late spring to a corner of the bigger garden ........ and because it is mixed in with other bushes and flowers i couldn't treat it with the lime stuff i usually do to make the flowers turn purple..........it only has two blooms this year.. and a big sick in colour.. but i am hoping next year it will be laden with white blooms and i can offically call it a "snowball bush"..........

A bit of a rant

A while back Sir and i used to organise munches here in the Great White North. Munches USED to be fun.... They used to bring out 40 - 50 people.. BDSM munches that is.. not fetwear munches or stand and model munches.. BDSM munches with a whole lot of S/m thrown in for good measure.........(talked about not done!! after all it was a vanilla restaurant)

Then people lost interest.. or something... and stopped showing up.........

Sir and i used to hold/organise play parties.. and just parties.. like movie dates and scavenger/car rallies etc.. and then people stopped showing up..........

i got a complex.. i assumed they didn't like me.. or Sir.. or our ideas.. it became a real personal thing....

Then someone on FetLife decided to take over organising munches / combined with play parties and people showed up... 30 - 50 people each time.. my inferiority complex increased...

NOW.. there hasn't been a munch or a play party (and i mean PLAY party) in ages.. Sir and i have started going elsewhere for events ..........

NOW someone is pushing us to organize a munch.. cause ya know "our" munches were never in a part of town that was hard to get to (unless you were on the other side of town and thought we were wrong to hold them in 3 different places.. west east and midtown)

i want to remind these folks that want Sir and i to organise the "crew" (what damn crew??!!!) it was ME.. organising these munches (at Sir's urging) and get them going again........ HUH??? WHAT??

Let me explain something to all of you who think Sir and i should pick up the gauntlet again..........

You rarely came.. and if you did.. you came late or left early ....

You bitched about the restaurant - the prices - the location - the atmosphere

You bitched about the day of the week - the time -

And i am fed up with hearing how YOU are gonna get a party organised .. when this is done or that is done or the other thing..

And i am fed up hearing YOU are gonna organise a road trip to a party... cause ya know it never happens..

SO .. Sir and i are gonna go to out of town events.. we are gonna go to the BDSM camp.. WE are gonna make our own fun.......... because ..............

it is someone else's turn to do the organizing..

just send us an invite when you get your shit together.... and maybe we will turn up.. late.. or leave early and maybe we will bitch about the location the time and the day........

or maybe not......... cause we know what it's like to try and please this 'accepting inclusive' community.

(putting my soap box away .......... until the next time)

39 minutes...

Sir kept track (for some reason last night) 39 minutes He said ..... to my foggy brain.. 39 minutes.

i lifted my head and looked at Him through blurry eyes .. 39 minutes Sir?? and i was informed He had been going at my ass for 39 minutes.. not 35 .. not 40 .. but 39 minutes.. i wondered why 39 minutes was so important and then i gave up wondering... .



It had started off really nice... slow and easy.. and i could keep up and remember to breath.. (which really is important in the large scale of things - to breathe that is)...... Sir was using the brown leather paddle thing (some lil thing i had picked up at the saddlery shop ) and then the speed increased and then the intensity picked up... and still i was breathing and it was ok...

Then Sir stood up and moved to the other side of the room... and came back with the white teflon paddle (a souvenir from BDSM camp a while back) .... and that lil sucker hurts.. the pain goes deep into the tissue - into my very being..

And Sir didn't stick to my ass.. the fleshy part.. no He went for the sides of my ass.. the sweet spot.. the backs of my thighs... the crack that divides the ass.. and it hurt...

and i realized in my last coherent moment - Sir was going for bruises... cause.. long story very short.. He had given me the memory card to His camera ... and i had gone browsing for some pics i wanted.. and there it was.. the pic of His very own "ass double" (is that why you call it swan?? so diplomatically - so politely ) and this ass double was bruised.. bruised like mine has never been.. ever... and i mentioned to Him the other night.. that i had seen the pictures ( i thought i should even though i have promised to never mention the ass double again.. ever!!)

So i thought maybe Sir was trying to give me the same bruises... it felt like it.. over and over and over in the same spot.. getting harder and harder and more intense which each hit...... but i knew .. i knew!! - there would be no bruising.. the same way there were no twinges.. no drips.. nothing to say my body was awake...... and i suddenly couldn't focus on the hits or the pain.. only that my body was betraying me - again. And then the tears came...

And then Sir announced 39 minutes....

i think He may have given up then... 39 minutes of nearly continuous hits .. and not a mark...

He bit me though.. hard .... on both ass cheeks.. frustration??? final attempt to bruise?? i don't know... all i knew was .. it had been 39 minutes.

And this morning.... proof of how hard He used the teflon paddle.. the paddle that is supposed to always spring back into shape...


But i guess 39 minutes of hard intense continuous strikes was more than the lil white teflon paddle could handle.. cause this morning..... this is the new shape of the lil white teflon paddle..

Wants needs desires

i have been on summer holidays for 19 days............. and though my sleep patterns are screwed up.. and i can't get my body to sleep past 5:00 am (my usual wake up time in the winter) ... i can nap in the afternoons (and do) ... i am loving being home safe in my lil condo........

i wonder while i sit outside in my secret garden - under the red umbrella - if this is a throw back to my days of agoraphobia many years ago.. cured they said.. but maybe sleeping just underneath ?? i go out shopping / running messages once a week... i have little desire to be caught up in the shops and traffic.. and people. i DO go for an early morning walk (march) around the complex .. usually around 7:30... greet the dog walkers, the early morning commuters, the workmen. Then hurry back to the peace and quiet here.. under the red umbrella.

It is also interesting (to me at least) that past summers i had great expectations of seeing much more of Sir... of more whippings and more service and more of everything......... but it never happens... Sir is always busy with one thing or another and our schedule doesn't change. This summer i don't even think about it.. i look at the calendar of His busy-ness and sigh and find yet another good book and curl up under the red umbrella.

This weekend i didn't even go to Sir's ........ well not yet. We have a planned cross-border shopping trip.. try out our new passports and me - i get to use the Barnes and Noble gift card Sir gave me for Christmas. So .. as we are heading south on Tuesday.. and because the catkids can't be alone for more than 3 or 4 days without trashing the house.. i am going to Sir this afternoon...... till Wednesday or so...

BUT last evening.. sitting chatting with Sir on messenger... He said something along the lines of needing to whoop my ass... and i smiled... HE needed to whoop my ass... shrug.. me not so much.. i seem to be getting out of the need .. is it part of my summer lethargy ?? probably not... just my body adjusting to different needs and desires now... BUT hearing Himself say HE was in the mood... made me twinge and wiggle a bit.. it is music to my ears to hear Himself is needing and desiring...

Perhaps over these past months i have been so noisy about my needs and wants and desires i left no opening to hear His.......... perhaps?? It is nice to hear Himself has wants and needs and desires.

In the early morning rain........

They said - they being the weather experts - that today we were supposed to have sunshine......... well there was sunshine when i woke at 5 .. but as you can see from the picture above it didn't last long. i am thinking we are gonna have more rain..

did i tell you i am building an ark in the basement?? just in case.. i do believe in being prepared...

Though there have been advantages to all this rain.. i have been busy working on school stuff.... and having a ball doing it too... what a difference a change makes !!
i have so many different ideas/plans/programs rolling around in my head.. it's a wonder my head doesn't explode. !!

Having all this inside time hasn't improved my libido at all.... i am one of these folks who gets horny from the hot summer sun - go figure !!! and as we haven't had much sun.. and most definitely NO hot sun... i am just muddling along... every once in a while i will get a twinge.. like Wednesday - when it was sunny all day and a bit on the warm side.. and i felt a small twinge........... BUT........ baby daughter was over for lunch.. and then we were going to the doctor's so i could meet my new grandbaby ...... (never been to an ultra sound with her before - it was exciting and fun.... so wonderful to see the lil head .. the heart beating .. and the doc even said.. "well look at that.. bladder's full ...... which made me wonder does the baby just pee into Mom's belly?? and then i had to wonder how i managed to have 2 babies and get to this ripe old age and NOT know things like that?? ) Anyway.. getting back to hot summer sun and being horny....... i did feel twinges... but i couldn't see excusing myself.. texting Sir for permission to play... playing and then going back to discuss life in general as though nothing had happened. So i ignored the twinge..

Of course Thursday didn't dawn at all.. rained... and so no twinges to react to..

All this time on my hands has had me roaming about the net rather like a nomad.. and honestly not finding anything of much interest. ........ except i did find a tarot reading site..

Ok ok .. before you all roll your eyes at me.. and move on.. let me explain.....

My grandmother was raised in a time when gypsies and tea leaf readings and tarot readings were very much the thing to do...... and believe in. She was probably the most superstitious person i have ever met!! AND as she had a large hand in raising me.. i was introduced to all these superstitions at a very young age...... and for some reason they kinda stuck. (and it's not something i admit very often either.. i hate being scoffed at)

Anyway......... getting back to my nomadic travels around the net.... this tarot site did a free reading for me............ i swear i didn't fiddle with the questions or the results till i got something that applied to me.. this is exactly what i got .. first time around........... .

Your Tarot Reading drew the Strength or Fortitude card. This card shows you that you will soon take a new control over the way you handle your life. This self contol will help you bring resolve and reconciliation to your life. You will feel a new found strength inside you after this transitional phase. Optimism, and Generosity will play a important roll.

now tell me.. if that doesn't speak to me.. to the changes in my life what does??? and you don't even have to twist it around to have it apply..... it out and out states the facts.....

So that's about it for my news.. on this cloudy threatening rain Friday morning.......

AH HA moment

That picture depicts (in my mind) where i want to be one day......

i have used it many times over the years that i have been writing here on The Journey...... most of the time i thought i was THERE.. but as we all know i am not... and am working on getting there........

Something happened yesterday that was most definitely an "AH HA!" moment
and it has left me feeling more submissive than i have in a long time.........

Sir has a busy few weeks ahead....... with the 78th Fraser Highlanders... and most of the events i won't be attending. But there are a couple that Sir and i thought i would go to....

One is in September - and i honestly don't want to miss it.. i am even excited about it. In a nutshell - it is a trip to Quebec City to celebrate the battle of the Plains of Abraham. Being the history nut that i am.. this trip intrigues me on many levels.

The second is the Highland Games. One of days (it seems to be a 2 day thing in different cities) will be taking place not 10 minutes from the condo...... and i had planned to attend. In my mind i would go with Sir.. i would wander around and do my thing while He did His thing.. and we would meet up and have time together ..and He'd go off again.. kinda like what has been happening at the past events we have been to.

However Sir told me He had been talking to one of the ex-Commanders (a gentleman in his late 80's) and this gentleman was going to see if i could get in on his VIP pass..... which in my mind meant spending the day and evening (or most of it) in this VIP tent.. with this gentleman. i told Sir i really didn't want anyone to fuss or bother.. And Sir kept saying - diplomatically - 'we will see'

Well i slept on it.. and decided that i would write in my daily journal to Sir what my feelings were concerning this event....... and i rattled on and on and then sent it off.

Sir sent it back to me.. with the words "I want you to reread this email and tell Me what it sounds like"....

i reread it.. and immediately i knew..

i wasn't just telling Sir my feelings.. no siree bob.. i was telling Him what i would do and wouldn't do. BUT honestly i didn't see it when i sent it out...

i sent back an immediate apology ........ but had to add.. that i thought i had the freedom to write anything in my journal.. my place for free speech - so to speak. Sir answered right back... yes it was my place for free speech - BUT He had a suspicion that i would have said those things to His face if He had been here..

That stopped me dead in my tracks... i backed up... and i admitted yeah He was right!! i would have.. no doubt about it.

Now the whole reason this has made me feel more submissive.. more owned.. is simple .. Sir took me to task .. immediately .. over this incident.. He pointed out what i had done wrong.......... He took charge....and my god it felt good...

It also was an AH HA! moment because i could see immediately how i had worded the email.. how it had sounded... i could see the difference between voicing my feelings and telling Sir what i wouldn't do.........for me it was a light bulb moment.

This correction.. this attitude adjustment .. had nothing to do with corporal punishment or punishment of any kind.. and i believe that is important too... though i am not sure i can explain why............ attitude adjustments (for me at least) don't have as much to do with spankings or beatings as it does with making me see the error of my ways... (doesn't make sense to you does it?? shrug.. unfortunately that's the best i can do at explaining it)

Here's hoping that if needed.. there will be more AH HA moments.. where i really truly get IT. Then this road to the picture above won't be quite so long .. or quite so tedious.

Sir's wishes

Some have been asking if things are "ok" with Sir and i.... and Sir's response has been "we are working on it"..... which is an excellent answer .. because there is no quick fix.. when one is working on a relationship it should take time .. a lot of time (in my opinion) otherwise you will land up right back where you started..... (which - again in my opinion - is exactly what we have done wrong the other times things went tits up)

Sir has been more forth coming with His opinions towards my behaviour.. and i have been working very hard to hear Him - not just listen. i am not back playing my bratty games - my 'smile and nod and do exactly what i want' games with a cheeky bratty answer back when challenged.

We have both been working VERY hard at fixing the problems!

Having said that .. i was a little down towards the end of last week - as Sir and i would have little time together this past weekend. There was a First Anniversary party for baby daughter that would take up much of Saturday....... And Sunday Sir had to leave early (mid afternoon) for another commitment. And Fridays - well Fridays are usually our coffee klatch with Cloud in the afternoon... a late supper and bed.

Well you have already heard about Friday's OTK session and how it wasn't all it was cracked up to be.. including the lack of orgasm for me, myself and i. (that stung i can tell you.. i have always been lil miss johnny on the spot when it comes to orgasms.. and i have been left a little undone over my inability to orgasm on Friday ... and as the sexual times are so few and far between i feel a bit as though i missed a big opportunity and am a bit cross at myself that my body didn't cooperate - for whatever reason. ya know i got a fairly good idea what happened... but that is my problem to deal with - and no it doesn't have anything to do with post menopause or lack of sexual drive)

i was a bit surprised - and more than a little pleased when Sir asked Saturday morning when i would be dashing off to the shower and all the preparations that i always seem to need to do before venturing out of the house. i did some figuring .. and said by 11 i should be in the shower............ Sir promptly decided that there was lots of time for some tit bondage.. and had a good time binding them up and attaching the leather straps to the ring in my leather collar. i pulled my dress back on and my mind went WOW.. the 'girls' haven't been that perky in years !!! right up there .. almost under my chin.. it was fun to look at and more fun to stroke.. i do love when they are bound up tight and hard...





















BUT it was Sunday that was the most revealing to me.. fascinated me the most.. .mainly i guess because of the prelim .. not the actual act itself.

Sir had said just after our mid morning coffee - "I feel like whooping your ass"......... i don't know why but i didn't take Him all that seriously (old habits die hard) .. and i asked for permission to finish my coffee.. as i honestly thought sipping hot coffee between strokes might be more of a challenge than i could handle.

Now when i had finished my coffee .. i was sitting .. kinda holding my breath.. wondering if Sir would remember.. would follow through on His desire to "whoop my ass". Not two minutes had passed when Sir said "Welllllll??" and i became a little flustered... what did He expect me to do........... so i asked.. and He laid it out clearly for me...

When He desires to whoop my ass.... and there is - for whatever reason - a time delay - i am to position myself over the ottoman - ass bared - and just wait.

So i did.. i moved to the ottoman and bared my ass..... and waited.. i was pretty sure Sir would hop up immediately... but He didn't. He left me kneeling there - ass exposed - waiting. And something happened while i was there waiting......... i felt myself sliding downwards.. to that place deep inside of myself.. i felt the butterflies.. and the excitement of anticipation.... and wow it felt great !!!

It really doesn't matter (for the purpose of this entry ) what happened then... because the important happening had already happened.... the waiting............ exposed and vulnerable.. with butterflies. It has been a long time since i experienced those butterflies.. since i found the mind set so quickly.

Sir used mostly the cane.. and where He wanted to use it.. which meant the backs of my thighs .. the inside of my thighs.. my ass.. my cunt...He even clamped on some clamps to the pussy lips that nearly drove me mad as i was sooooooo horny .. but i had missed that window of opportunity.. and i will / can live with that..... i loved every minute of it.... and we even finished the session with a few hard smacks of the cane across my tits... and Sir held them up with one hand while He slapped away .. and i could just soak it all in...........

Sir's wishes............ and only Sir's wishes......... how nice.. how reassuring!!!

OTK

A week or so ago swan wrote a blog about fantasizing about an OTK spanking on the new leather sofa... but she also wrote about the hesitation she felt about the idea because of past problems.

That blog got me to thinking about the few times that Sir tried an OTK spanking.... it made me feel awkward, and clumsy, and miserable... i wanted to be like the woman above.. cute and sexy and squirmy. BUT that never happened.. i never knew how to exactly get over Sir's knee... and never seemed to manage it... i was kinda kneeling with my ass kinda over His knee... and my upper body laying across the sofa... not exactly my idea of OTK...

Anyway.. it happened once or twice and never again...i never found it that gratifying.. and as it hasn't happened since.. i figured Sir didn't find it gratifying either.

Until last night........ late last night...

Sir called me to come and go "over the knee" while He was sitting on the couch.... i felt the panic rising almost immediately.. HOW was i supposed to drape myself over His knee?? there was no room.. between the table holding the laptop and the end of the sofa.. where was i supposed to fit??

Ok then.. Sir moved to the ottoman... and i kinda .. sorta.. went over His knee.. BUT it felt as though more of my body was NOT over His knee than actually over His knee.. i was kinda sorta kneeling.. one arm was dangling the other arm was trapped between Sir's body and mine... and i landed up resting my chin on the hand......... (and oh my god i felt so clumsy and awkward and .. i don't know what else.. embarrassed??? - and not the good kind)

Sir started with a good hand spanking.. and almost immediately i knew this just wasn't going to go very far.. it has long been said that my ass will wear out any ... ANY.. Dom's hand... so i didn't really get into it.. just kinda wondered how long Sir's hand would last...

Sir soon had me on my knees on the floor.. ass in the air.. fucking me.. at first it hurt... then it felt good.. then it felt great... but .. unfortunately it was one of those times that it felt soooo good i didn't want it to end.. so i kept going with the feelings and didn't think about the orgasm... and .. well.... the fucking ended .. and i didn't cum.. but was still wrapped up in how good it was feeling.......

And then it was all over.... and since then i haven't been able to shake the feeling there has to be a better way to "do" OTK.. there has to be a way that works - isn't there?? a way that doesn't make an adult body feel clumsy and awkward and mismatched to the position??

After all OTK was first dreamed up as a punishment for a little body over a big lap........

On writer's block....

i have not written on Behind the Screen (or my fictional blog) since April .........2 whole months...... i really thought that by now.. second week into my holidays... that i would - at the very least - have a plot brewing in my head..........

BUT yesterday, as i sat outside under my red umbrella in my secret garden, i was wondering why it is that there are no murmurings going on... no ideas popping up and presenting themselves... which is usually how it happens...i get a whisper of an idea..and then like magic virtually the whole story plays out in my imagination. Usually i can't write fast enough to get it all down.... it just flows.

But there is nothing percolating in my head... nothing at all. i thought how glad i am that i am not in University ... not in my honours English group... not having to produce a play or a story or something regularly - for marks....... cause folks i would fail.............

Writer's block has me in it's death grip............

At least that's what i thought as i sat outside in my secret garden.

BUT .. i have an alternate theory to writer's block... (though i suppose it is almost the same thing) ... i don't DO sensual writing easily... and i need .. inspiration (for lack of a better word) ... and i mentioned earlier this week how my very own sensuality seems to be running on the empty side.......so i guess it isn't all that surprising that there are no murmurings going on in my head..no ideas popping up.. no full length movie running through my imagination..........

i always worried that post-menopause would leave me dry and withered up like some old leaf that had blown off the tallest tree.... and i have been happy that i haven't dried up.... BUT maybe i have.... in the figurative sense.... has my imagination / fantasies dried up and blown away?? Is this it for now till forever??

Rather a scary thought......... maybe even worse than drying up literally.......

The Great Garden Adventure

Welllllllll the sun came out this morning...

The electric hedge clipper which i borrowed from Sir was calling my name.. so were the damn hedges that were threatening to eat up the front yard and the front steps...

So.. clever me... i put on my red hoody, shorts and yellow duckies and went out to tackle the man eating hedges......

Now you should know i did not plant this massive hedge - modge podge of bushes actually - everything from a wild rose bush to god only knows what others.. and they have grown to a full height of at least 6 feet !!! buried under their massive branches is a lovely lil wooden farm fence ....... that i want to see.........

This modge podge of a hedge has been a bit of a sore point between myself and the townhouse association....... i claim they should trim it as i didn't plant it.. they claim they didn't plant it therefore i must trim it..

Some summers the garden guys will trim the modge podge hedge.. other years they won't even look at it..

This summer they made a first half assed attempt at trimming it down to managable heights...... but stopped mid way through........ i thought.. 'lazy guys couldn't even finish the job'

So that brings me to this morning and the electric hedge clipper... and the daunting task of bringing the modge podge hedge down a few feet.

Out i went all decked out... and started in.. i didn't care how it got done .. how neat it looked i only cared to bring it down........ down i say....

i worked my way from left to right.. the right hand bush being the highest and most daunting..

Finally i got to it.. the gigantic thick bush on the right...and started in ......... i noticed a few flying creatures come out of the bush at first pass.. but didn't think much of it as .. hey.. they were probably just flies curled up in the shade right??

So i continued.. and then more flying creatures came swarming out.. and me?? well i am standing there holding the electric hedge clippers squinting through the sun's rays trying to identify what in god's name is swarming out of the bush.........

Can't tell........ so do what any half assed nit wit would do..... i go and get a bug spray from the house and proceed to spray the bush to death.. inside outside upside down side..

The bush is now dripping wet.. the flying creatures have disappeared into the sun's bright rays....

i wait a few seconds for everything to dry out... cause i am thinking.. 'should i be using an electric hedge clipper on a wet bush' .. yup that's all that was worrying me when i picked up the hedge clipper and started in on the bush again.........



This time........... i got swarmed.. just like in any movie you might see.. just like in your worst nightmares.. swarmed..........

i dropped the hedge clipper and i am swatting and waving my arms around like a mad woman.. i am sure the roofers on the building beside me must have wondered what the mad woman in red was doing...........

As i am swatting and waving my arms - which is sorta working but not all that well.. i decided to beat a hasty retreat to the house....

i have taken a look in the mirror... i have two stings on my face.. and umpteen minor ones on my upper body.. thank god for the thick red hoody !!! There is one nasty sting on my upper left arm............ but that's about it..

However i am now suffering from post traumatic swarm syndrome - as i sit here safe and sound in my office... my body is twitching and i am jumping swearing i can feel those beasts all over my body still..............

i think i now know why the garden guys did a half assed job of trimming the modge podge hedge... i think they may have been greeted by my bush creatures..........

Now i think it is time to move around back.. and curl up safe and sound under my big red umbrella in my secret garden and read......... and leave the flying creatures to nest happily in the big bush on the right side...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A late in the day update.........

The nice thing.. really nice thing..... about living in a condo is that when you have a problem you pick up the phone and call the "office"........ which is exactly what i did after this morning's lil garden adventure.

They called a Bug Man..... is he called an exterminator?? ... to come and take a look... He told me i have a huge nest of black jackets... and that they bite as well as sting and they never lose their stingers so they can keep stinging you over and over and over again...... and .. the sting gives off some sort of scent to the other black jackets so they can find you...... how nice !!! (NOT)

Anyway .. the long and short of it is ... i have one bad bite / sting?? on my arm and the rest have disappeared... and the Bug Man will be back either tomorrow or Monday in his bug costume (god i hope i am home i so want to get pictures!!!) and will rid my modge podge hedge of it's nest.

Until then ... i will remain under my red umbrella in my secret garden.........

And if you are curious to see what one of these "black jackets" look like.. let me show you............



Big buggers aren't they??

challenges

Well first the good news.. no... first the excellent news............

i had the job interview yesterday.................

AND..................

you guessed it .......

i got the job !!!!!!

Now i love a challenge - which is probably one of the reasons things weren't going so well at the old school............ i could do the job blindfolded with one arm tied behind my back............

i had a tour of the new school yesterday....... and the history.......... and wow ....... i almost turned it down.......
First off - the school is HUGE.. with staircases to the second floor all over the place..hallways that twist and turn.. and have dead ends.. how do you know where you are?? i asked for a map and have been promised one... cause the school IS that big !!!

Second - the programs have not been running well over the last god only knows how many years......... they have a video library that would put any video rental place to shame............. the kids - apparently - did nothing but watch videos every single day ............. so there are no supplies to speak of .. at all...none... nadda.. zip zilch....


Third - there is absolutely NO money.........none.. nadda.. zip zilch. The programs are in the RED............. though what will be my new office has brand spanking new equipment/desks/bookshelves (which hold their video library) and nice new storage cupboards with locks.........they are totally empty of supplies so why they need locks is beyond me...

BUT god i love a challenge.. my baby girl's response to the challenges that face me was "in two years you will have it up and running properly mom"..... and Sir's response was .. "you'll have the place making money in a year ".... such faith !!!
Though if truth be told.. in my old job i was always ending the year with a HUGE balance (and getting my wrist slapped for it too - go figure!!)
i started 20 years ago with a room and borrowed tables... no office.. no supplies.. no nothing... 15 kiddies and when i left in June they had $50,000 in the bank.. with a year's supply of craft/science/games in the cupboards... and 122 kids registered for the new year.......... so yay.. i am pretty sure i am up for the challenge..

i was thinking last night.. it is funny (well at least to me) .. when my dad retired he got a retirement job.. (no not at Walmart) but for some bankruptcy firm.. he would go into companies that were in the red.. and work at shutting them down........ me on the other hand.. i am going into a program that is bankrupt and my job is to turn it around.......... weird eh??

my second challenge for the day....... and more along the lines of BDSM which is what this blog is supposed to be about.............

Sir told me last night to "vibe myself" when i went to bed. Funny thing is.. i was thinking just last week - how my "desires" seem to be drying up............ but then i thought .. no not drying up.. it just seems that the longer i go without any sex .. of any sort.. my body just kinda shuts down......... the desires dry up... i wonder if it is a post menopausal thing.... OR.........a self preservation thing........

So i wasn't the least bit horny when i took out the magic vibe and attached the one head attachment i have to it... it took a lot of work just to get myself wet enough to insert the damn thing... i landed up imagining what it would be like to be taken forcefully (by Sir - not some unknown man) and i could hear Sir's voice whispering in my ear to stop belly aching about being dry etc....

That lil fantasy worked to get me wet enough to insert.. and i did vibe myself.. and i did have an orgasm.. not an earth shaking orgasm.. a lil one.... and i did have an excellent sleep.......... but the whole thing was a challenge of sorts.........

Now this morning i am sitting here .. remembering the vibe session and finding myself getting twitchy.......... so i am guessing... that this lack of interest/desire is more a self preservation thing.. more than a menopausal thing...........

Challenges can be stressful........... but for some of us........ challenges make getting out of bed in the morning so damn interesting !!!

It's raining it's pouring..

Honestly !!! would someone please notify the powers who be that i am on my summer holidays now and the rain and cold weather can stop....NOW.. please !!! i would much rather be curled up under my red sun umbrella in my lil secret garden reading thank you very much !!

And this rainy weather does not inspire me to any great heights of writing.. or chores or much of anything actually.

After meeting with selkie on Friday i headed off to the South Shore to spend the weekend with Sir... Sir was off working when i got there.. so i unloaded the car... unloaded the food i had brought... and wandered around the house like a lost soul. Finally i decided to wash down Sir's white garage door.. rid it of all the cobwebs and dead leaves ...... it sparkled when i had finished.. and i got a little slap happy with the hose and hosed down the doorways.. and the side of the house.. i would have kept going except i ran out of hose...........

Now i had looked ok for me when i arrived.. hair done.. make up on... rather spiffy if i do say so myself......

When i had finished playing with the hose (can i say "water sports??) i cleaned up the mess and went inside only to catch a glimpse of this "drowned rat" walking past the mirror in the hallway.......... oh welllllllll.. Sir had seen me looking worse...

Friday night was a lazy evening.. Sir was tired from all His running around and working........... so we had barbecue chicken and a lazy spanking on the sofa.. (not so lazy if you ask my ass !!)

Saturday was a day of shopping........ i HATE shopping .. but Sir took me to this shopping village.. there is no other way to describe it .. miles and miles of roads with nothing but shops ............ the place is called Quartier 10 30 or something like that.. i was mesmerized!! i even mentioned it would be fun to come and spend a day wandering round all the shops ... ME.. the great hater of shopping !! go figure..

i did spend a whole lot more money than i intended.. and bought some books (for reading under the red umbrella in the lil secret garden) and .... drum roll please....... an ice cream machine !!! Sir has already put in His order for homemade banana ice cream .........

Saturday night was a light supper and a heavy session of sensual play........ Sir doesn't do sensual play very often.......BUT after He had inserted 17 needles .. and then removed one when i pointed out that the left ass cheek had more needles than the right one (now ya'd think He would have rammed an extra one in my right cheek .. but nooooooo.. He removed one to make it equal) ....

He started in using the paint stirrer from last weekend to whack my ass.. between the needles ... mostly in the soft spot area.. which had me wanting to jump about doing the subbie jig.... except i was lying on my belly on the couch.. and jumping with 16 needles shoved in your ass is not always a wise thing to do !!

Then .... i have no idea actually what He did.. but i do know Sir caused such sensations.. from feeling as though He was pouring fire between the needles and down my ass crack.. to tickling THE spot just at the base of my spine that has me promising Him anything .. ANYTHING.. (maybe even swallowing yogurt - sorry inside joke) it makes me sooooooooo damn horny !!! And then Sir would slide His hands over the needles .. making them reverberate ...... and tap them making them feel as though they were going in even deeper....the muscles in my ass seem to develop a mind of their own.. and vibrate and twitch and ache ... i sometimes wish i could see what my ass actually looks like at that point.. cause all i have are sensations.. but in my mind's eye.. the muscles are rippling and moving constantly... dancing to Sir's touch......

Sunday we had a planned brunch with some friends who are returning to Singapore.. and then an unplanned visit to the funeral parlour for another friend who lost her dad.......

i packed up the car and came back to the condo on Monday .. relaxed and purring...

Now if the sun would come out.......... if only the sun would come out....

Oh yeah.. one last bit of news.. re the new school.. i found out yesterday i am on top of the short list.. good news .. but i still have my fingers crossed and wishing they would get off the pot and actually DO something about this job............

a little bit of Irish sunshine on a cloudy day

i hinted the other day about meeting a fellow blogger in real life for coffee....

Well the grand coffee meet was yesterday morning........ and it brought back memories from way back when .. the days of bulletin boards .. when you would make arrangements for coffee.. elaborate plans for coffee.. the day.. the time.. the exact coffee place.... and usually (we were a whole lot smarter back then) we would decide at least on some colour we would wear so we could identify each other..

As i was driving down to the coffee place.. i had butterflies... "why for god's sakes???" you ask..ahhhhh... because that is a big part of who /what i am.... (duh) .. and because this woman writes like the angels themselves are sitting on her shoulder whispering in her ear..because this woman has just got something that leaves me in awe.... besides the red hair i mean..........

And thank god she has red hair.. because for all our planning.. we didn't tell each other any thing that would help identify the other..... AND the coffee place was packed and i do mean packed !!!

i had my coffee and managed to grab a corner prime table.... and thought i saw her drive in.... black car with a flash of red hair in the window......... but then i blinked or something and she was gone... oh the car was parked - but no red hair.. .

i was glancing nonchalantly around the restaurant trying not to be too obvious.. and there she was... rounding a corner.. tall red hair flowing.. and i just knew it had to be.... SELKIE!!!

What hugs we shared.. .and oh my she IS a good hugger.. firm .. no hesitancy .. tight supporting / caring hug !!!

we talked and laughed and talked some more.. Sir managed to get away from His day to drop by for a cup of coffee...we talked about everything you can imagine.. from kids and husbands to BDSM and Midori and theories and practice.. and the hands on the clock ticked quickly by...

Sir had to leave for work...

Selkie and i stayed on for a wee bit longer... talking still.. filling in all the blank spaces that our blogs have left...

And then we couldn't deny it any longer.. the clock had run out of time and we both had to go our separate ways....

BUT not without a promise that come the fall she will be back and Sir and i will fire up the barbeque and selkie and D will come for dinner and more talk.. and more laughter..

(if you haven't a clue who "selkie" is .. check out her blog - daughter of the sea..

This 'n that

and not much of anything............

i was catching up on some blog reading this morning (don't ask me why i am up so early .. on summer vacation....... sigh.. don't even go there !!)

And i read an interesting view on forced feminisation and (my interpretation of the entry ) it is degrading to women everywhere AND a product of a lazy FemDomme... interesting thoughts.. maybe one day i will add my 2 cents to the discussion.. betcha can't wait !!

i am going out for coffee this morning... gonna go meet a fellow blogger from out of town.. who is in town obviously... i should have asked if i could talk about it publicly so i could make everyone jealous.. but i didn't (yet) so for now.. an anonymous blogger and i for coffee this morning ...

i haven't heard diddly squat about the new job and my anxiety levels are rising... the nasty lil voice is at it again.. not good enough..not young enough.. not even gonna get an interview.. gonna have to drag all those boxes back down the highway in August and settle back in to the lil office and do my lil job....

The same bad voice is trying to de-rail all my efforts of improving my attitude towards slavery........ and being the low man on the totem pole.. and accepting it.. accepting the sheer unfairness of it all.. and smile while accepting....

On a brighter note.. i have discovered the joys of early morning walks.. before the rain sets in.. or the hot sun (which we haven't seen much since i have been on holidays of course !!) i am gonna do THIS thing i refuse to call diet if it kills me !!

On the brighter note side.. i am getting a good tax refund this year.. YAHOO.. best one yet... think i have finally balanced spending with the tax man's chart and am coming out ahead.. maybe that trip to Quebec City can be done in style this September.. YAHOO again..

This 'n that and not much of anything....... but i am alive.. still trudging along.. two steps forward one back.. but i am getting there.. yay me !

under the red umbrella

Today is officially my first full day of summer holidays ......... and i am curled up under my red umbrella in the half sunshine/half cloud... reading and thinking...

AND because i am a very spoiled subbie.. i have a lap top courtesy of Sir to play on while i am out here in the half sun half cloud

All sorts of things have been running through my lil brain... like the new posting.. and when will they call and IF they will call.. and when will the interview be... IF there is an interview.. and will i take it IF it is offered to me...

It was weird cleaning out my office this week... taking down all the family pictures all my little mementos packing everything into boxes that might just well travel back down the highway in August with me.. back to my lil office...... but for now they are stacked in the basement waiting for maybe a new office........

AND i have been thinking.. .that changing old habits isn't all that easy.... ya know....and yeah the thought of a new job scares me.. but i think change is something i HAVE to get used to....

like with Sir.....

i said i was gonna change. .and start down a new road on this journey.... and i have been working very hard at changes....

BUT

on the weekend - for some stupid reason - i looked at Sir and quipped over some statement of His... "of course i did... i am a good sub!!"

And that one line has been haunting me ever since.. cause ya see... i know i haven't completed the change.. i know it will be a long time before i can say i am a good subbie.. i am on the road to that place.. but i haven't reached it yet.. and just cause for a week or two i have been good and following the rules and doing what i am supposed to... that doesn't make it permanent.....

It is still too easy to slip back into the old way.... the arguing bitchy shrew way...... and it is NOT where i want to go........

So yeah... i am still a work in progress.. in all ways....

And that's what i have been mulling over in my lil subbie brain out here in the half sun / half cloud . .under the red umbrella...