under the red umbrella

Today is officially my first full day of summer holidays ......... and i am curled up under my red umbrella in the half sunshine/half cloud... reading and thinking...

AND because i am a very spoiled subbie.. i have a lap top courtesy of Sir to play on while i am out here in the half sun half cloud

All sorts of things have been running through my lil brain... like the new posting.. and when will they call and IF they will call.. and when will the interview be... IF there is an interview.. and will i take it IF it is offered to me...

It was weird cleaning out my office this week... taking down all the family pictures all my little mementos packing everything into boxes that might just well travel back down the highway in August with me.. back to my lil office...... but for now they are stacked in the basement waiting for maybe a new office........

AND i have been thinking.. .that changing old habits isn't all that easy.... ya know....and yeah the thought of a new job scares me.. but i think change is something i HAVE to get used to....

like with Sir.....

i said i was gonna change. .and start down a new road on this journey.... and i have been working very hard at changes....

BUT

on the weekend - for some stupid reason - i looked at Sir and quipped over some statement of His... "of course i did... i am a good sub!!"

And that one line has been haunting me ever since.. cause ya see... i know i haven't completed the change.. i know it will be a long time before i can say i am a good subbie.. i am on the road to that place.. but i haven't reached it yet.. and just cause for a week or two i have been good and following the rules and doing what i am supposed to... that doesn't make it permanent.....

It is still too easy to slip back into the old way.... the arguing bitchy shrew way...... and it is NOT where i want to go........

So yeah... i am still a work in progress.. in all ways....

And that's what i have been mulling over in my lil subbie brain out here in the half sun / half cloud . .under the red umbrella...