Down the rabbit hole

i am down today...........

i shouldn't be.. as Perfectdt said in a comment on the 29th "retail therapy sounds good" it should have perked me up right??? It would for most women.. and Sir didn't even get cross with me for buying the new clothes.......... but shopping isn't my thing... it is simply a thing i did to try and fill an emptiness.... and we all know 'things' really don't fill that kind of emptiness.

Then as if spending our anniversary alone with daydreams of 'what could have been' wasn't enough of a downer.. that evening i was sitting on messenger waiting/hoping Sir would get home in time to chat a little bit with me... and who should pop up in my chat window but Sir's 'ass double' ....... the ass He beats from time to time.. the ass that bruises and marks and takes every damn thing He throws at it without a whimper... she was feeling remorseful.. wanted to apologise for the way she had treated me.. she had been hostile towards me (i saved that chat let me tell you.. cause when i tried to tell Sir how hostile she was towards me before.......He always had an excuse or something and i felt He never believed me)

i have worked very hard for almost 9 months to push this 'ass double' out of my mind... she is not part of my life .... Sir agreed i didn't have to have anything to do with her... she did not have to be a part of my life (though i honestly think He always secretly wished we had managed to click and get along better) .... and there she was back in my face.. never mind my mind UGH

Yesterday i couldn't help but wonder what she really wanted from that chat... i am seriously suspicious of someone who stabs me in the back ... and then tries to suck up.. ya know?? maybe it is a flaw of mine ...... shrug.. maybe not.. but i couldn't help but wonder..

So now i am back trying to push her out of my life again.... out of my psyche out of my mind.............. more retail therapy?? i don't honestly think it will work...

And then Sir was telling me last evening how pooped He was from His day trip with the squad on Wednesday.. how Thursday was a slow day... a day when He did very little but slouch on the couch...........and of course my heart sank.. cause He is off with the squad again today... from sunup to way past sundown again... and tomorrow is our only day......... our only day !!! and i have visions of an exhausted Sir.. a pooped Sir.. a Sir curled up on the sofa in the condo trying to recharge His batteries before the next foray on Sunday with the squad......... will it never end??

and if i sound like a selfish subbie.. a totally ungrateful .. ungraceful subbie.......

well i AM !!

i haven't worked out all the kinks yet.. some are a damn sight harder to let go of... and the whole mess just makes me cry........

so yeah i am down today........ seriously down the rabbit hole.