Public Play part 2

i received so many follow up questions that i thought they deserved another blog...

Do we have to be introduced? If we know nobody or just a little, is there someone who take care of some presentations?
If you attend a public club.. there is no need for introductions ... but private ones like Breathless in Ottawa.. yes you need to be introduced

How do we know when it is time to move on?...
when you are tired of watching a scene you just quietly slip away.........

Are the play areas reserved? and how to let know that we would like to use one or another?
sometimes yes they are reserved.. sometimes you speak with a Dungeon Master - they usually are easily identified by arm bands or something like that.. or they may have sign up sheets.. sometimes people put their toy bags down at the equipment..and sometimes you just ask people standing around if anyone is going to use it..

Do people normally take their own toys or use ones that are there?
yes people bring their own toys... seldom do you see people sharing toys.. there are health issues.. at least for me there are .. major ones!

Do you have to worry about the cleanliness of the big equipment?
Yes always........ clubs generally have cleaning products available and you are expected to wipe down the equipment you have used - like the spanking bench .. cross etc....

Is there drinking as well?If not, how do the clubs make money?Is there a cover charge?If there is drinking, how often does that, um, cause issues or trouble with too much drinking?
ummm.. some clubs have drinking yes.. most that Sir and i go to do not......... drinking is an issue for me personally.. but it isn't for everyone.. i for example will not play with someone who has been drinking.. i learned that lesson the hard way....
and yes all clubs have cover charges.. some even have membership fees as well as cover charges..

Since you don't wear fetish, what do you wear? Do you wear street clothes?Do you strip down to your underwear for the play?
if one is not into fet wear.. they usually wear black.. i have a number of little black "numbers" that i can wear.. i also have a corset .. and i have a Story of O dress with a corset that goes on top that i wear for more formal affairs
Once Sir and i go to play.. yes Sir will have me strip down.. i always have a pair of thongs on.. and am usually left only in that for the scene.. sometimes.. especially at "hard play" night at Breathless .. Sir has stripped me completely.. that is difficult for me.. silly as it seems.. seeing as a thong doesn't leave much to the imagination..

Do the clubs have to deal with a lot of legal issues? I mean enough so that it effects your enjoyment as a patron there?
so far i have never been involved in any legal issues per say......... i don't get too involved in the running of clubs so i can't really answer that well.... and a lot depends on the club..
most of the clubs i have been to.. double as swingers clubs.. they are now legal here in Canada.. soooooo.. i guess that helps.. (and no Sir and i are NOT swingers.. we only attend those clubs on BDSM nights)

Now Lady Baltimore gave me some suggestions for further blogs.. which i really liked and say "thank you!!" i will get to them another day........ it has been a long day for me .. work and night meetings.. (i HATE night meetings .. especially when i have to drive in snowy weather with slippy driving conditions.. )

thanks to everyone for your questions and interest in Public play.... i hope i have answered your questions to your satisfaction.. and that the information helped..

Public Play

A friend asked me in an email to discuss going out to BDSM clubs... and i guess public play. To be absolutely honest..... i am not too sure what it is she is looking for. But i thought some folks might be interested in what public play involves..... at least for Sir and i.

The important thing to me is finding a club that "fits"...... some clubs just don't feel right.. i am sorry i can't explain it better than that.. it's just that the atmosphere at some clubs makes me feel like i have "come home" - others... where there are lots and lots of "beautiful" people parading around in all their finery - or fet clothes.. make me feel out of place and awkward. i do not DO fet wear.. i DO BDSM and in my case fet clothing does absolutely nothing for me... not to wear or to see or to touch.

For me...... playing at a club is why i am there........ but there are lots of people who just come to observe. The worst scene Sir and i ever had was at a club where the "observers" were not very polite .. or scene savy. i was on the cross and Sir was trying to warm me up before moving on to the whip and some of the harder toys. The cross happened to be positioned right by the doorway to the room. A group of people came to peak in.. and stood talking in the doorway. Talking - not whispering.. but talking loud enough that i could hear everything they said.. in fact.. i could have joined into the conversation.... This made it very difficult for me to focus on Sir and where He wanted me to be. Finally i opened my eyes.. looked right at them.. and said "EXCUSE ME?!" They then ducked out of the room.
That same night.. in that same scene.. Sir was ready to use the whip.. He looked around at the observers and asked them politely to move a bit.. (they were creeping into His space - so to speak) ... They shifted a little bit.. but not nearly enough.... Sir moved the whip back .. and then let it crack! That moved the curious observers back to a safer distance. You see - the first rule of observing public play is NOT to interfere with the scene in progress. Do not get into people's way.. do not stop the Dom to ask Him questions... do not touch His toys.. OR the submissive.
BUT observers are most welcome......... i mean .. if i didn't want observers i wouldn't be playing publically.. and yes most of the time the Dom and the sub are more than willing to answer questions you might have.. AFTER the scene is over.. not during.

There is a definite thrill about playing publically.......there is a mind game going on from the minute Sir and i walk into the club. We stand and observe the scenes going on... Sir usually asks me which piece of equipment i would like ..... then i usually stand and watch the different scenes going on...... listen to the sounds... the cries of the subs.. the soft slap of a hand.. the crack of a whip.. the swish of the floggers.. Then the moment comes when Sir orders me to pick up the toy bag and move to the equipment........ most times the walk to the equipment makes my knees go weak....... and there is always a bit of a ritual once there.. the laying out of the toys.. Sir putting the cuffs on me.. fastening me to whatever piece of equipment we are using.. then i take a BIG breath and hold it for a second or two....... and then it starts.... sometimes if Sir doesn't blind fold me.. i peak to see if anyone is watching... that makes my heart pound.. to be watched!! Sir says it is the exhibitionist in me.... (who knew ?? ) Once i remember being laid out on the rack...... and being flogged ...... and a female Dom came over with Her male sub.. and told him to watch .. closely.... i remember feeling prickly heat .. pounding butterflies... and ohhhhhhhh such a wonderful contented feeling... it isn't something i understand.. and it most definitely isn't something i crave or need very often..... but it is a small part of who and what i am.......

There can be a fair amount of socializing as well as playing.. contacts made .. new and old friends visited with....... there can also be some learning that goes on........ it was at a semi public play party that Sir and i learned needle play..... Some clubs offer demos..the club actually sets up stations.. a spanking/flogging station.. an electricity play station.. a bondage station... and you can move from station to station and try out the different activities if you wish.... it was at a demo night that i first experienced electricity play .. and discovered it most definitely was NOT my cup of tea.

Most public clubs insist that the genitals be covered.. that there be no insertables.. no sex... no blood play..no scat.. no golden showers... it is always best to check with the club to find out what their specific rules are. Breathless up in Ottawa has a "hard play" night once a month.. where anything goes.. including totally nudity. But most clubs i have been to have fairly strict rules about what can and cannot be done.

i have done my best to describe both what i like about public play and dislike about it.... i think i have touched on the etiquette of public play.. as well as some of the draw backs to it... BUT please.. if i have missed something.. or you have any other questions.. please ask them!! If there are enough questions.. i will gladly do another separate blog and try and answer them to the best of my ability....... i do NOT claim to be an expert on public play.. or for that matter on any aspect of this lifestyle..... these are just my opinions.. my observations.....

Innocent twine

Some times.. not often.. but some times .. i wonder where Doms find the inspiration for their latest method of torture. But then i really do know where Sir finds some of His better ones... He belongs to umpteen mailing lists... lists for bondage.. lists for gags.. lists for needles.. lists for slaves.. lists for hooks... i don't even know ALL the lists He is on... BUT often on a Saturday morning Sir will turn His lap top around and tell me to look at a picture or two.... Other times - during the week - while we are chatting on msn He will send me photos ... most of the times i cringe... the meat hook ones usually get to me in a BIG way.... i shudder and think of the damage that they could cause by something as innocent as a sneeze........ and i always count my blessing that Sir shows (well so far) no interest in some of these more extreme sports of BDSM......

On Saturday morning Sir showed me a picture of a submissive done up rather nicely in twine.... and in passing said one day He would have to get a ball of good old fashioned twine. i opened my mouth (without thinking - definitely one of my few failings) and said.. "i have a ball of twine Sir - hemp twine.. the kind with all the prickleys on it". i went and fetched it from downstairs in the laundry room - on the top of the spare fridge wayyyyyyyyyy at the back on the top of that fridge... now i wonder if there was some subconscious devious reason for storing this hemp twine way back there out of sight.

Anyway i gave the ball to Sir and He tossed it casually off to the side mumbling something about maybe one day.

Today was what i called "vanilla day" .. it is my eldest daughter's birthday today.. and i had invited her and her sister and family over for Sunday brunch. (Editorial note: i HATE making brunch and always wonder why in god's name i plan brunch when i know how much i HATE cooking brunch.... but brunch it was) i was up more or less at the crack of dawn to start the preparations for country style eggs..hash brown potatoes.. pancakes ... ham.. homemade cinnamon buns .. and pots and pots of coffee......
i was just feeling like i had things more or less under control and patting myself on the back that i still had time to shower and clean myself up ( i do clean up rather nicely if i take the time).. and maybe even had time for a little sit down before the festivities began....... WHEN Sir called me to come ....

He was sitting holding the ball of twine...... and smiling.. that evil wicked grin that Doms get when an "idea comes together"....... i shuffled over and was told to strip.... Sir grabbed hold of the left breast and started to wind the twine around it so tightly i swear i could feel all the glands rubbing up against one another (no wonder i hardly wince when i go for my mammograms).... up around my neck down the other side and start wrapping around the next breast. Only thing is... my right breast is an odd shape compared to the left.. and is not nearly as cooperative about being bound tightly... in fact .. any and all ropes / leather lacings / whatevers tend to slide off every so nicely. Soooooo once again i offer a suggestion without much fore thought.... i suggested i bend slightly at the waist letting the breast dangle down .. and try wrapping it that way. SUCCESS!!! and i was caught cursing under my breath at how successful my suggestion was.......... i glanced down to see both breasts going a very nice shade of purple .. and knowing full well there was little hope of any rope sliding off.... accidently.........

Sir then dropped a line straight down my belly....... and i am thinking.. oh god a crotch rope!! when i felt His hand grab hold of my clit jewelry and tug it ..none too gently ..outwards and thread the twine through the bondage ball and then bring the end back up and tie it off just below the navel. As i stood straight i felt the twine pull my clit skyward.... i quickly bent slightly over at the waist again...........i finished up the last few things for brunch in an awkward bent over manner.. every once in a while.. i would straighten to do something.... feel my clit move skyward again...

The twine was removed in time for me to have a quick shower.... though Sir did comment that the nice thing about hemp is that it can get wet (ohhhhhhh god do i know that from 2 summers ago when we went to the BDSM camp and Sir did a lovely hemp rope full body harness complete with crotch rope .. and had me try swimming... i nearly drowned !! and getting WET hemp off quickly is impossible!!) Oh and before i forget the crowning glory to this twine adventure....... as Sir was unraveling it from my body....... as He got to the last breast which by now was screaming bloody murder to be released....... Sir just grabbed hold of the twine and pulled......... much like one pulls the string on a top....... if you can picture that??? and the twine whipped off my breast .... leaving me gasping and checking to make sure there was still SOME skin left on it...................

Not so innocent twine.......... trust me !!!

Porcupine

i survived the toothpick challenge........ though i swore up down and sideways that i had splinters in my ass cheeks !!! If you really need to see the pictures and read the account .. sighhhhhh.. do ya really need to??? (cheeky grin).. You can check out the scene report on Sir’s blog....

However ........... that little painful skewering scene was not the end of my evening ..... Sir decided .. maybe to stop the complaining about splinters??!! that He wanted to do some needling..... sooooooooo i got out the needles and the disposal unit .. and got all ready to lie down and present my ass ...... BUT Sir had other ideas... present not my ass but my breasts. i whispered to Sir " i am scared Ya know Sir" - mainly cause the last time He tried to needle my breasts... 1) the needles all seemed blunt and wouldn't just slide in........ 2) and when they did go in.. the burning in my breasts was beyond tolerable.... in no time i was a slobbering basket case of tears and pleas......... Since that night Sir has not attempted to needle my breasts...

i almost held my breath as the first needle was positioned over my breast......... it slid in nice and easily... and i exhaled..... that is not to say there wasn't pain...... but it was just such good pain.......... there is a rhythm (in my head) when it comes to needling.. prick tap tingle.. prick tap tingle.. very quickly i had lost all sense of time or place... i remember asking Sir how many??? and i remember Him answering me "21".... i thought He had stopped and fussed a bit.. in my head He couldn't stop at 21 .. it had to be an even number... god only knows why...... there was the next prick tap tingle.. and i thought .. good 22 .. even.... then another prick tap tingle.. and i was back to fussing .. Sir just couldn't stop on an odd number He couldn't !!! The last prick tap tingle was "26" and Sir did stop...... and all was right with the world... it was an even number. Then Sir picked up each breast in His hand (in turn) and kinda jiggled them?? or moved them side to side - honestly i have no idea what it was He was doing......... BUT oh my god it hurt! i could feel the cold steel inside my breast.... white cold.. burning cold........and then His whispering in my ear... "open your legs.. wide.. wider" and i felt his hand slipping inside.. and my complaining it was dry .. and His ready answer - "Not for long" and yes i could feel the wetness coming .. and the orgasm.... and my breasts bounced and swayed as Sir fucked me.. and the needles twitched........

Then the delightful extraction process.. as i felt the skin tugging against the needle.. freeing itself....... almost popping out. i slid all the way down onto my pillow and was curling up to enjoy the after glow.. when Sir pulled me over onto my back and flinging off the blanket i had wrapped around me He started to use the hand shaped slapper crop thingy.. across the tops of my breasts.. down the sides.. underneath.. even - every once in a bit - hitting a nipple... i am pretty sure i was ranting unintelligible jibberish at Him at this point..

And later .. much much later in bed.. fast asleep .. dreaming.. ( i think i was asleep - not fantasizing) i could see myself lying on my belly.. and Sir was putting needles all over my back..... up and down.. neat rows.. then down and across my ass.. covering me in silvery needles... and still down my thighs.......... and in my dream i was saying.. i am a porcupine... not a pony or dog or cat.. i AM porcupine.........

Friday

i am so glad it is Friday... i need this weekend so badly....... i need my Sir so badly.... and yeah it is a NEED .. not a want!! i feel a little bit like a pressure cooker about to explode.... i wonder what surprises Sir has in store for me this weekend......

i do know that Cloud and slave k are coming for coffee and dessert this evening... and oh yeah........ 103 toothpicks! i have come to realize that no matter how silly an idea is... when a Dom gets an idea in His head.. He is a bit like a dog with a bone.... ain't gonna let go.......... Sir is bound and determined to do this challenge.. even if it kills ..........me. Soooooo for the sake of the challenge .. my ass will be skewered meat again tonite.. actually what i think will be the hardest part.... will be having to actually count out 103 + 1 toothpicks.... i have every confidence that Sir will manage to skewer my ass on them all... and thus beat the record of 70....

Now i am hoping that once that is over with Sir will move on to more fun things.. i am thinking i need a wish list........ something Sir can refer to when He runs out of "fun" ideas..
1) needle play
2) bondage
3) hot wax
4) paddling
5) flogging
6) whipping
7) lots and lots of sex - and NO butt plugs!!!
8) naked on the floor .. eating on the floor .. humiliation all the way....
9) some real hard play.........

and yeah folks i am probably gonna regret this list........... but at 7:30 on a Friday morning when i am faced with a meeting at the Board.. and then a couple of meetings this afternoon with nervous nellie parents.... i am feeling reckless....

wish me well...... my weekend starts in 9 hours............

Sad

i am feeling a bit blue today...... my Sir wrote about it in His blog last evening..... if you want the details........

i miss my lil house out in the country......... oh i haven't lived there for nearly 10 years.. but it doesn't matter .. i miss the openness of it.. the freedom of it... i had bird feeders in the garden and bird baths..... i had squirrels visiting me at the kitchen window when i washed dishes.. we had birds nesting on the deck.. rabbits nesting against the foundation and raising their families... it was country and i loved it!!!

Now i live in a sweet lil townhouse.... in the city......i tried last summer to put out bird feeders and a bird bath.. to encourage the birds to visit.... BUT in the dead of winter.... the Townhouse Association blames my squirrel problems on my kindness to the animals (besides my squirrel problem i now have a skunk - in the city yet !!! living under my back patio!!!) ........ get rid of the bird feeders i was told......and so last night .. when it was just getting dark and eerie i trudged through the deep snow to my back yard...... and took down the bird feeders in the light of the lamp post ........ it made my skin tingle and the hair on the back of my neck stand up.. i don't like dark! i don't like being out back behind the hedges in that dark.... and i definitely DON'T like having to take down my bird feeders....

i wonder who will serenade me in the summer when i sit in my secret garden? i will miss the bright colours of the birds feathers.. i will miss them lining up in the trees waiting for their turn at the feeders... it will be a sadder lonelier place in my secret garden this summer...........

And i wonder about my poor lil squirrel in the walls........ the exterminator came last night and put out traps with poison food...... my 'rocky' sprang the traps and ate the food and ran back into the walls..... to die
and i sit here this morning thinking .. (stupid as it sounds) that it is all my fault that he has to die... if i hadn't put out bird feeders with an unlimited supply of food.. if i hadn't bought ears of corn for the blue jays and yes the squirrels.. my 'rocky' would have learned to live outside on his own....... instead he came in .. from the cold .. looking for food.. and he found peanut butter.

TOO funny!!!

A while back, our friend Cloud and Sir were one upping each other, with me in attendance... mostly it was a mind fuck.... to watch me squirm.... They were discussing Sir's almost absent-minded placing of one toothpick between my thighs and telling me to hold it there while He spanked me... Cloud suggested in a comment on (i think it was my blog) that we go for the record of 103.........

Now that record was totally and completely a figment of Cloud's imagination...... Buffalo and i have been emailing re the challenge.. and having a good laugh about it actually.. never once taking it all that seriously... YES Sir did try putting 103 between my ass cheeks - only to find out that each time He opened 'em up to insert the next one the previous ones fell out.... He put in 6 and i breathed a huge sigh of relief that the nonsense was done!

Now.. along comes kaya and she manages 7........ and i think .. ohhhhhhhh god watch out now!!! At the same time i discover that Taylor has read kaya's blog and is talking about the toothpick challenge - like it is this BIG challenge going on ... and i have a fit of the giggles and share the blog with Sir....

So Sunday night bedtime rolls around and Sir has me roll over on my stomach - when i am all nicely snuggled down for a long winter's nap...... and He counts out 9 toothpicks... i look at Him and think to myself .. "the Man has totally lost it!!" Next thing i know all 9 are squeezed between the ass cheeks.... and of course Sir doesn't have His camera... so i am left to lie there gritting my teeth while He goes and gets the camera to record the event........ We have beaten kaya's record of 7!!!

Now fast forward to Monday afternoon...... i am reading through my blogs and get to kaya's and discover.. MY GOD the girl has taken 70 - count 'em- SEVENTY - toothpicks.. and throws down the gauntlet..... THEN i stop by Taylor's blog to discover she and her Master have picked up the earlier gauntlet and done 9!

Now i am thinking...... this is just TOO funny !!! Something as small as a little mind fuck / joke between 3 friends has landed up becoming the challenge of the month!!!! And YOU all know.. or should........ that Sir is NOT gonna be outdone..... but it will have to wait till next weekend.......... and i am not looking forward to feeling like a piece of skewered meat again..........

Well i will say this much......... all this silliness has beaten back the January blahs for me........

Two Favourite things...

i keep hearing Julie Andrew's singing "these are a few of my favourite things" this morning... (yeah yeah i am NOW hearing voices.. )

Yesterday Sir and i had a reasonably quiet day... a little shopping in the snow.. a whole lot of down time....... BUT in the midst of that down time.... Sir brought out the lil hand spanker thingy that we won at the local craft fair.

(just a little editorial note here: i thought it looked wimpy - a bit like those hand fly swatters you can purchase at the dollar store....... BUT it isn't anything like those.. this hand spanker is actually formulated a lot like a crop .. therefore there is the same OUCH factor along with an added twist of a slapper)

ok so back to the day at hand..... i am sitting on my pillow at Sir's feet and He decides it is time to give my ass a few taps?? (those were NO taps!!) with the new toy...... i am lying on my stomach wiggling my ass around .. half trying to avoid the sting and slap and half trying to ease the discomfort by rubbing my clit on the roughness of the pillow cover... and suddenly Sir is kneeling by my side.. forcing my legs wide apart and thrusting his hand into me.. deep into me.. finding that secret spot that He knows is deep inside of me.. the one that always gives me the most amazing mind blowing orgasms with so little effort.....usually with the added bonus of my squirting out gallons of liquid .. which then can be scooped up by Sir's free hand and smeared over my ass to 'improve' the sting of the spanker..... and just as planned i was squirting out all this liquid.. and it was being smeared all over my ass and the hand spanker is back to spanking.. and the tremors inside are still convulsing and rippling .... and all i can think is "OH MY GOD... this is just TOO good to be true!"

Later in the evening....... again Sir decided it would be amusing to spank my ass with the spanker... BUT this time.. instead of having me flop around on my pillow.. Sir had me kneel up and bend over the sofa seat........ now i can not explain exactly how this happened.. but i wanted - desperately needed for some reason - to feel Sir's body so i leaned into His side.. and He wrapped his free arm around my waist.. and the spanking began....... i wiggled and wiggled and wanted so much more of my Sir ..... so i wiggled myself right between His legs.. and snuggled into His chest while He continued to spank my wiggling ass....... Now i have to say.... that was the most wonderful position for a fun spanking... held tightly between my Sir's legs.. face pressed into His chest feeling His chest hairs tickling my face.. inhaling deeply of His scent...... and it ended with my being a wee bit playful.. and devilish.. biting His shirt buttons.. pulling His pen out of His pocket with my teeth.... nestling into my Sir....... feeling safe and contented and all right with the world .... and hearing Julie Andrew's singing.. "these are a few of my favourite things".............

Difficult Session

Last evening Sir had invited our friend Cloud to come to the condo with His new slave for an evening of play. i had known about this invitation for about a week i guess..... i had some nervous butterflies about the whole thing on a number of levels - it was a true challenge.. test maybe?? that Sir would keep me safe.. protect the sanctity of our lil home.

Driving home from work i noticed that my hands were shaking - my knees felt weak and my stomach kept flip flopping.......During the week there had been some good natured bantering between Cloud and Sir about the new "slave".. about her body..... about her no limits.. about the level of pain she could endure. Maybe it wasn't just good natured bantering... and i was struggling with it. i had been informed that slave k would probably NOT have a session per say.. but that she and Cloud would watch Sir put me through my paces. AND oh god.. i was scared..... put on show ... expected to perform .... expected to out surpass some benchmark that i could not see...... i felt a tremendous amount of pressure/stress to make my Sir proud !!!

i worked extremely hard at seeing myself as nothing more than an object to be used - this is NOT an easy imaging task for me...... i tend to have way too many opinions... and way too much back bone to just suddenly transform into this "object". But by the time we were all downstairs and i was chained to the ceiling.. i was in at least a submitting mind set.. that seemed to be the best i could do on my own. BUT things changed instantly. Cloud and slave k did not sit down on the little sofa and observe the session. Cloud immediately fastened slave k to the cross and started to go to work on her. i will admit to some major mental gear shifting on my part.....and finally quite truthfully in my head i went "what the F*CK" and just let go and tried to enjoy the session my Sir was giving me...... i stopped trying so damn hard to be this object.. and just went with being me....

know what folks?? it is so much easier.. so much better .. so much more "real" to just be "me"..... but it was a difficult session.. on a whole lot of different levels... and i thought i had worked out my definition for "difficult session"... reminds me of a quote i read on a blog.......

"Just when i think i have it all figured out - i live another day - and life gets complicated"

Blog Personality

The other day - after i had written the "rant" - i read another blog - cherish’s actually - where she asks if your personality matches your blog..... it got me really thinking...... i was already on that tract.. re-evaluating my blog and what i write..... but cherish's post refocused my thinking a bit.

IS my personality coming through in my blog??

i think it was........ maybe it still is..... maybe it just needs a little tweaking.......... i wasn't going to post until i got it all worked out.. i wasn't!

But then the fates changed my plans....... you see i received an email from one of my readers... actually i had originally sent Him one.. because of a comment on one of my blogs.. He made me laugh when i dearly needed to laugh at myself... it felt good... and i wrote to thank Him... He said a couple of important things to me..

1) He enjoys reading my blog - said it was a fun read
now you see.. that touched me.. cause i like to think - for the most part - i AM a fun person. And god i wanted that to come through in my blog. Life is just too damn serious most of the time! And as someone once said - "You ain't gonna get out of it alive! " When i come home from work i need very little....... i need quiet and peace in my home.... i need laughter .. to wash away some of the nightmares that follow me home from work occasionally.... i need the pain/pleasure that only Sir can give me .. to refocus my mind on what is really important in life......... and once i have those things i can be let loose on the vanilla world once again......
When i am with Sir .. most of the time .. i am a little devil.. yes i stamp my foot.. and pout.. and whine.. and wiggle and squirm and cause Him headaches.. and know what else?? i play!! i play and laugh and have fun!! Sir says i am like a child.... and i know i make Him laugh too.....and i think Sir plays too.. after all.. there was the challenge of the 103 toothpicks right??!!....i am glad that the fun side comes through in my blogs

2) He said that i wasn't a stupid lil anything....
which was very nice to hear...... i don't think i am stupid.. some times i make stupid mistakes.... and sometimes i can feel stupid........ but i know i am not....... and i am very glad that it comes through in my blog........

3) And He said that occasionally my blog turns Him on....... said it was an added plus....
NOW that one i am struggling with........ i have never thought that i turn people on... i am naive that way......... once upon a long time ago....... i had a dear male friend who was helping me deal with this sexuality thing......... and He pointed out to me that in the most innocent ways i turned men (and on occasion women) on. i was shocked.. i wanted to find a deep hole.. climb in and pull the top in after me........... i NEVER wanted to be thought of as - god forbid - a cock teaser! (do they have an expression "pussy teaser"??) i wanted to know what it was i did that made men see me as a sexual thing....... (mind you.. in my humble opinion it doesn't take much to have men see anything in a skirt as a sexual thing.. ok ok.. no MEN BASHING!!! ) i remember Him grinning at me and saying.... "just looking into your eyes can do it"... wellllll i most certainly couldn't poke out my eyes now could i???!!
i have .. over the years.. come to realize i am a very sexual person.. i like sex.. no wait.. i LOVE sex! Once when i was "trainee" and Sir used to make me sleep on the floor beside His bed....... i said to Him....... "now see.. if and when i have a Master.. He will not make me sleep on the floor......... i would wiggle so nicely.. flutter my eyelashes just so.. and give Him such a wonderful blow job that He would want me in the bed with Him.. at His disposal all night long".. (ok ok !!! that was MY fantasy!!! ) BUT .. i do sleep in the bed beside my Sir every night now (wicked grin).. draw your own conclusions !!!
and so .. despite the fact that i blushed when i read that my blog turned this reader on.. i was just a little bit pleased........ cause all great stories (well adult ones at least) have an element of sexuality in them........ and i am glad it comes through in my blog........

i will be continuing to tweak what i write in my blog....... i want it to be ME.... to express my views.. my opinions.. my devilish streak.. my playful side.. i want it to be about ME.. not about what others expect.......... but thanks to the "friend" (if i may be so bold as to call Him that) showed me.. most of what i am is coming through !!!!

on gettin' old

i have had a major rant rolling around in my head for the past few days... Actually i have TWO rants rolling around... and then maybe there are a couple of other things rotting my socks too........ sooooooo hit delete or move on by if you don't want to suffer through a rant ......cause here it comes!

Why is that Doms and subs or slaves... or whatever the hell you wanna call 'em ... throw caution to the wind when they are first getting to "know one another"??? Why is it that they get all caught up in some sort of frenzy to get it all done NOW?? Hasn't anyone heard of safety first???? Why in god's name would anyone agree to meet up with someone they don't know (other than online - which i am sorry is NOT knowing someone! not REALLY!) and agree to be tied up and played with ... in PRIVATE??!!! What the hell happened to safety first???? Am i so old.. so out of the loop .. that somewhere along the line people decided safety didn't have to come first and forgot to tell me???? What the hell happened to coffee dates.. and more coffee dates..and a munch or two.. and safe calls and more safe calls... and NO playing until you really know someone.. have checked them out??? What the hell has happened??? Somewhere in the last 5 years of being safely collared and off the market .. things seem to have changed....... and no one told me.. i can't decide whether to pout (that i was left out of this major change in the rules of the game) or stamp my foot and refuse to be party to a lifestyle that used to cherish their submissives and a community that worked hard to keep both Doms and subs safe.

Please please someone tell me.. (PLEASE i am serious!! use the comment section) are submissives/slaves now proclaiming they have no limits .. no safe words.. to every Dom that appears in their email??? This is ok now???

and oh god...... if all this IS true .. if i ever find myself uncollared.. trust me when i say...... i will NEVER be collared again........ because there is no way in hell i would throw caution to the wind.. just to try and win a Dominant! What i have to offer.. (my submission for those of you not too sure) is worth something to me... and it had better be worth something to the Man who wishes to collar me........ cause it ain't gonna be handed over easily.. it is gonna be hard fought for and hard won....

And another favourite bitch/rant of mine are "stables".... i am sure if i look back on this blog i am gonna find at least one that rants about "stables".......... for those of you not too sure what the hell a stable is.. or how i define a "stable".. it is one Dominant who has many submissives......... and they are all collared to Him or Her... i have always asked HOW can one person be responsible for more than one submissive/slave??? HOW can ONE person meet the needs of many - all the time?? HOW can there be a bond of any sort when the Dominant is torn this way and that between submissives/slaves??

In a stable does the sub ever win??? It seems to me.. in my silly lil subbie brain.. that a stable is set up to be a win / win situation for the Dominant...... He ALWAYS has someone ready to play.. to fuck.. to whatever........i pity the submissive who wants/needs the play but it isn't her turn. AND what about the every day life that tends to sneak up and slap us upside the head........ and the Dom is busy - too bad .. handle it yourself. What an attitude!! i for one want to know that my Sir will be there when i need Him.. and i want to know that *I* will be there for Him when He needs me! i don't want to worry about who's bloody turn it is!!! Maybe i am too selfish to ever be in a stable.. cause trust me when i say.. it had better bloody well be MY turn every time!!!

i was thinking of ranting about "what it is we do" again.. BUT because i KNOW i have done that one before.. the car wreck mentality.. i will spare you that one...... just please know .. that while some are very comfortable posting pictures of their bodies and their play sessions.. i am discovering i am NOT comfortable with it..... and i also know it is something i am going to have to discuss with my Sir - who tends to post more pictures of me than i do.......i think i was trying to be something i am not - by posting pictures .......... i am most definitely thinking it is time to re-evaluate what i write - about what we do.........

i am finally running out of steam....... please know .. dear readers.. that these are my opinions.. and only my opinions...... i may not like stables.. i may question the sanity of those involved in Dom frenzy or sub frenzy....... but god i will fight till the death to protect your right to do what the hell it is you do !!! Just sometimes i feel out dated.. old.. out of the loop.... and like my elders that have gone before me.. i wonder about the "new fangled ideas"...........

i will now go off and find my rocking chair.. pull it into the corner.. pull my shawl around my shoulders .. and watch from afar all these goings on...........

G.O.S.

i am in a fog this morning...... i know it is Sunday.. and i know that Saturday was yesterday and i know that a whole mess of things happened yesterday.. cause .. OH MY GOD !! i have the bruises/marks to prove it........

For those of you who are still wondering if the toothpick challenge happened and didn't think to take a peak at Sir's site.... yeah it happened.......... without the results Sir had hoped for.. no 103+ ... the few i took were more than enough .. thank you very much Cloud !!!

In the afternoon Sir took me downstairs for a session.... and i was a little bit devilish.. (what else is new right??!!) And at one point i made a comment that Sir was STILL G.O.S. (good old Sir) ....... now i guess that it is ok for Him to be GOS with everyone else.. but NOT with me.. i know it is something He has been trying to NOT to be with me.. and my words flicked a switch......... He picked up a wooden paddle i gave Him years ago......... and one which has almost never been used on me for a number of reasons... and i HATE it.. i HATE it with a passion.. it looks wimpy.. it is light weight and i am sorry it looks plain wimpy!!! This wimpy paddle soon had me sobbing and begging for Sir to slow down.. to .. to.. i don't know what .. i almost said "stop" i have NEVER said "stop"

Before i knew it Sir was moving up and down the wall of toys using each one on my ass and back.. i remember at one point shrieking at Him that He was hitting too high.. or it was wrapping.. and i remember hearing Him answer me.. "every single inch of your body is MINE.. I can hit what I want.. " And He is right... i gave Him that right ...

i can't begin to find the words to even come close to describing what a blubbering mess i was ..... during the hour i was on the cross.. i alternately HATED Sir and loved Him.. i alternately was a masochist.. was NOT a masochist.. i alternately wanted it all to stop and wanted it to continue...

And it didn't stop........... oh there was a break for dinner... BUT Sir brought that wimpy paddle upstairs and in the evening He went to work on my ass again.. deliberating hitting the bruises that were beginning to appear.. and i was howling and crying and blubbering.. and begging...

And i am left to ponder two things.. 1) has the GOS really disappeared in my Sir?? and 2) did Mr Mat act like a meat tenderizing mallet .. and prepared my tough ass nicely for the paddling/whipping it got.. and that is why i have bruises/marks today?? oh yeah.. i do have one other serious question 3) has anyone else experienced extreme sleepiness after a major endophin session???

Introducing...............

MR. MAT

Now Mr Mat (as i "lovingly" refer to it..... ) was purchased for me by Sir at the very beginning of our relationship - when i was just a lowly lil "trainee"... Sir would use Mr Mat as a training/discipline tool ... when i misbehaved, i was told to get Mr Mat and sit on Him while i chatted with Sir in the evenings on msn.

Now let me explain a little better WHAT Mr Mat is.. in the vanilla world. On one side it is a clear sheet of plastic - on the other side there are all these little spikey things. (a picture is worth a thousand words right??)

The vanilla purpose is simple actually (if you live in snowy areas of the country) Businesses lay Mr Mat over their carpets (spikey side down - gripping the carpet) so that snowy salty boots and shoes would not damage their carpeting......

Sir discovered He could purchase this little device for pennies at the local Reno Depot / Home Hardware store. At first it was just a trial........ but it didn't take long for Sir to realize the potential of this little monster..........

From the sub's point of view.......... lowering oneself down onto those spikes is a painful procedure...... the spikes are meant to grab and hold immediately.. and let me tell you - from experience - they do a damn good job !!! Just when you think you are comfortable and can stand the pricky feelings .. it starts to burn and ache.. and you need to shift... ohhhhhh but those spikey things are meant to grab and hold ...... so shifting means actually prying the mat out of your ass.. shifting slightly and lowering again....

Now Mr Mat was reintroduced last night for two reasons..........

one - kaya, darling kaya..... with all her helpful suggestions and reminders .. had talked about the BITCH BENCH she must sit on when she blogs or chats or is just on the net... and i made an off hand remark about her Bitch Bench...... and Sir said .. 'ohhhhh I have a much better idea!' (which folks - should have set off warning bells in my head!! but didn't)

and two - Sir had to go out for a short period last night and had suggested i should come with Him... i whined (so nicely) and Sir said i could stay home .. YIPEEEEEEEE... at first He thought about tying me up downstairs in the basement.. but i kinda panicked abit about being tied and left in the basement.... so Sir told me to go and get Mr Mat....

Folks - it had been so long since Mr Mat was used .. i honestly truthfully could NOT remember where he had been stored... leave it to Sir though...... one quick swoop through the cupboard in the office and out came Mr Mat... It was placed on the floor in the living room and i was told to position myself on it and NOT to get off until Sir came back......

Even the joy of being able to watch whatever TV show i wanted to watch did nothing to make up for .. or take my mind off of.. Mr Mat!! i pried that sucker out of my ass cheeks over and over again.. shifting and wiggling trying desperately to find one postion that didn't hurt too much.........

Sir was gone an hour and when He arrived home.. i could barely keep the tears back when i begged Him for permission to remove Mr Mat. Removing Mr Mat is pretty much a good description of what i had to do...... i lifted one cheek off the floor and Mr Mat rose with it... using my hand i had to pry the spikey things out of that side of my ass.. then lower the cheek gently back down and raise the other cheek - repeat the procedure of prying the spikes out of ass cheek - then quickly pull the whole thing out from under me and toss it to the side..

Once in the very beginning, before i had discovered the knack of getting off Mr Mat, i actually rolled over onto my knees and Mr Mat was still firmly stuck to my ass !!! Surgical removal seems the only way.........

And for those that love marks......... well i can attest to the fact that Mr Mat leaves dimples and holes in one's ass for many hours.. and once the visible signs have disappeared .. sit down on any surface and your ass tells your brain you are sitting on spikes !!!

And THAT was the start to my weekend............ the toothpicks - all 5 bottles of them - are sitting on the kitchen table..........

Reality or mind fuck

Back in one of the blogs i wrote over the weekend.. i mentioned how Sir had toyed with one toothpick .. putting it between my thighs and telling me not to drop it... It was a fun experiment.. and i was MOST glad when it was over.... i posted about the event and i am not too sure how many of you read the comments..... but my dear friend (??) Cloud posted:
"I have got to talk to Sir tooth picks should be used to keep the cheeks apart and yes skewers are an excellent idea.I hear the record for ass seperation is 103 tooth picks if you have nothing to do you can always try for the record.(evil grin)"
To which my Sir replied:
"CLoud, so how long do you think it will take Me to install all those 103 toothpicks?As for breaking the record We will just have to find out...."

Now folks .. i don't know if this is going to be my reality this weekend - 103 toothpicks between the ass cheeks??!!! or more! OR if my Sir intended it to be a mind fuck........ but the whole idea has been playing around in the back of my mind ever since.........

Toothpicks have sharp pointy ends.. very sharp... and one was not all that daunting..
But a 103 or MORE!!?? that is a bit much (to put it mildly)...

Now i was thinking........... IF Sir is going to go to all that trouble to be THAT creative - 103 or more!! why use plain brown boring toothpicks...... why not add a little sparkle.. a little colour to the effort???
AND hells bells if Sir is gonna go to all that trouble.. why not be down right patriotric?? Sir always says Canadians just don't do enough "flag waving"....
BUT then .. and finally i have to wonder............ couldn't there be much better uses found for toothpicks??? so i googled "toothpicks" and was amazed at what i came up with!!!
Sooooooooo perhaps Sir would consider another form of challenge.. instead of trying to beat this 103 toothpick ass cheek spreader idea....... why not do something truly creative !!!

morningstar

My nickname on line is and always has been "morningstar"... originally i picked the nick cause it stood (in my mind) for a lonely star.. the last one before the sunrise.. all alone out there in the universe... and that thought appealed to me..

It turns out that there isn't actually any star named "morningstar".. according to what i found on the net......... "Venus, the jewel of the sky, was once known by ancient astronomers as the morning star and evening star. Early astronomers once thought Venus to be two separate bodies. " So all this time i have been wrong.......
BUT i also discovered while i was googling "morningstar" that it is an insurance company.. a newspaper - more rag than newspaper - an investment company - a golf course - music publishers.. oh yeah.. and a mace......
Now isn't that a wicked looking instrument.. ummmmmm not the least bit what i had in mind originally.......

All of these thoughts and searches stemmed from cherish's picture that she sent me (see above) it is entitled "morningstar".. she said she thought the picture was beautiful.. i do too .. and i find that morningstar a bit mysterious.. a bit hidden?? something .. i am not sure what....

Thank you cherish for the picture and ultimately a topic for my blog .. (i think i had writer's block tonite)

Marks

Once upon a time a Mistress marked me.. marked me bad.. She had used a knotted rope to flog me with... and i was left with deep tissue bruising for 10 days... pretty ugly stuff.... it hurt when i sat down.. it hurt when i stood.. it hurt going to bed... but ya know what?? i loved that hurt !! ohhhhhh i wouldn't ever want that much bruising ever again.. for a couple of reasons.. 1) it is pretty dangerous (health wise) to have such severe bruising.. and 2) (more importantly to me anyway) one can NOT play with deep tissue bruising until it has healed ... ugh... 10 days no play ....

But for some reason.. as time has gone along.. i no longer bruise... Sir has tried - trust me! (Mind you Sir would never do anything that might cause serious harm to this ole body - like using a knotted rope ) And for some reason i don't understand.. i long for a couple of nice lil bruises. Oh i have had marks left from some heavy bondage.. nice rope patterns "carved" into my skin...

and i have had some nice red marks on my ass from a good flogging.. and Sir has used the tip of a knife to write lil messages on my body... (those marks tended to stay a little longer .. but still not that long)

This weekend as i wrote on Sunday.. Sir used the snake whip on my thighs and back and ass... and i was mesmerized by the welts that i watched appear on my thighs... i loved the look of them.. and .. i can't explain this.. but it made me HOT to see those welts.. i was glad i was sitting on the floor cause my knees grew weak and i wouldn't have been able to remain standing..

cherish left me a comment asking to see those marks....and she even offered to "drool" if i would post them........normally i do not share the pictures of my sessions with Sir.. He takes them for me because when i am dancing with my fairies along the rainbow path - i hardly remember what has happened...and they are private... but this time.. just for cherish .. i will post two of the pictures .. one of my thigh and one of my ass.... and for those of you who find it difficult to imagine the amount of pain that i enjoy....... please remember i am a masochist and this pain brings me great pleasure............

random thoughts on blogging

Somewhere on the web.. during one of my search sessions.. i found a site (of course for the life of me i can't find it again.. and yes Sir !! i should have bookmarked it) that was discussing the origin of blogging......... from what i remember the author was annoyed that blogs had been morphed into journals or online diaries. According to him, originally blogs were logs of online websites or information sites etc.. they had little if anything to do with personal thoughts/feelings/philosophies. i, for one, am very glad that blogging has developed into online journaling or diaries.... i think i would find blogs that only set out links to other websites or information sites boring.

In a lot of ways many aspects of my life have always been recorded.. from the photo albums that recorded births.. family members.. holidays and celebrations.. to recipe binders with family recipes - always with notations of who they came from.. when it was made - for what occasion...grandma's shortbread.. Miss B's maionnaise... Olive's birthday cake.... to calendars with appointments.. achievements.. celebrations.. deaths all recorded and never thrown away.. they are taken down on January 1st and stored away... (something for this clean freak who throws more out than she keeps) In my office at work i have a collage of pictures of children on one of my bulletin boards... sweet children playing.. working.. cuddling... innocent pictures.. when i moved my office this year.. those pictures were lovingly and carefully taken down and moved to the new space... a bit more dog earred.. a bit more faded but they have to follow me..... those pictures are a little bit of my mom... they were originally a calendar and on the reverse side of those pictures are recorded the last months of my mother's life.. from bridge games to golf lessons.. to chemo and radiation appointments..

And so i guess it was just a natural progression that i would move to here.. to online blogging... Sometimes it is difficult to write what is in my heart.. sometimes i have one eye on those who come to read (like my eldest daughter who is just investigating this lifestyle and finding out how it may or may not fit her) ...... and i worry about disclosing too much - sometimes.... but i am nothing if not honest.. and so i write from the heart... whatever i find in there at the time........

And i have my counter that has taught me so much......... like i wondered if anyone came to read.. which is why i added the counter in the first place... and of course i was floored at the number who come each day.......... i have learned from my counter that Saturday through Monday are the quietest days.. family times i guess.. when folks don't have the time to read blogs by the dozen...... and Thursdays at 7am are my busiest time for visitors..... i have toyed with the idea of only writing on Wednesday through Friday.... but i don't think that will happen any time soon........... cause the words call to me.. and i find my fingers flying across the keys... and another blog entry is created.....

up the down stair case

This has been a topsy turvy weekend...... Sir has kept me pretty much on the edge ever since Friday........
i complained bitterly this week about how cold the basement has been.. and asked Sir to take a look at the vents and the heating system.... so when He arrived on Friday i begged NOT to be taken downstairs.. it was just too damn cold !!! Sir had me bring up the snake whip (and for good measure and cause i am such a masochsistic lil subbie.. ) i also brought up the crop..... Friday night consisted of using first the whip then the crop on my ass as i lay spread eagle on my pillow in front of the television - a sacrifice to the television gods??? i don't know .. but at one point i sure felt like one.....

And then there was the toothpick incident....... yeah toothpick...... doesn't sound like much does it?? Sir put one between my legs.. high up on my thighs........ "hold it there" He said.. "and don't let it drop".. RIGHT! simple project for this subbie... except yikes!! the lil pointy ends of that ding dang toothpick actually HURT !!! and then cause Sir knows i LOVE a challenge.. He decided to slap my ass... HARD! "don't let it fall !!!" He warned.. and i didn't.. (silly subbie says proudly)... Then experimentally Sir lifted my breast up and slid the toothpick under ... making sure one lil pointy end was securely pressed into the underside of my breast - the other end against my chest AND then He let go of my breast... Honest to god i had this vision of the toothpick impaling itself in my breast.. god i screeched !!! Not as much from the pain/discomfort but from the fear of having said toothpick impaled in my breast !! and being such a clever lil subbie.. such a masochistic subbie i even suggested in my blurry state that next time Sir might prefer to use a wooden skewer .. that way my legs would be wider open and He might be able to add clothes pins to my pink private bits.. or perhaps try getting the snake whip to tickle "my fancy" so to speak..... without my being able to close my legs in protection........

Saturday morning Sir picked up the snake whip again only this time He used it to create pretty patterns on the tops and insides of my thighs...... and of course He couldn't forget or neglect my breasts........... do you have ANY idea how much the snake whip cuts as it slashes across exposed nipples??!!!! geeeeeez.. kaya did ya hear me saying "stop mother blankety blank blank"??? Only thing was ...... i became mesmerized by the patterns of welts appearing on my thighs....... and kept thinking in my silly addled brain..... "that is soooooooo cool!!" ( i don't ever use the word cool - what was THAT about?) i also made the mistake of asking Sir for pictures of these welts.... only thing was.. by the time Sir took the pictures .. loaded them on the pc.. and checked them and discovered they were a bit blurry - definitely not as sharp as He likes... the original welts were fading in colour.. so let's start again .. and get it right this time... ughhhhhhhhh.. more whipping of my thighs.. more welts .. more pictures...

Then i had a nap .. a nice warm fuzzy nap.......... for one hour exactly.... (cause i had to get showered and dressed to go out to visit with some friends for dinner) and i was so sleepy .. so enjoying my dream... that Sir decided to wake me with....... you guessed it.. the snake whip.... trust me when i say .. nothing wakes me up quicker than the hissy sting from that whip !!!

The evening went well .. i thought.. i thought i kept it more or less together.. held up my end of the discussions... kept my head focused........... until........ i went down the stairs and the next thing i knew i was lying on my side at the bottom of them......... ughhhhhhhhh... everyone got into a bit of a flap.. worried i had broken something... but .. as i always say.. "i am a tough old bird"... and up i got.. made sure everything was in working order... and continued on with the evening.. i did have some discomfort in the neck area - believe it or not - when i moved my arm........ and Sir did a quick "check up " to make sure nothing was broken chipped or cracked... and it wasn't... but give me the snake whip any day over bruised collar bones and ribs.........

This morning Sir went back to work on my thighs ........ i complain so miserably about never ever having any lasting marks.. no matter how hard Sir hits.. that this time i think Sir was going for the hit and hit and HIT until something is marked.......... alas.. no marks..but then if it is any consolation i don't have any marks from my trip down the stairs either.....

and now i am here quickly hammering out a blog for all my blog junkie friends.. and i was told .. snake is waiting............. ohhhhhhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhhhhh.. an up the downstair case weekend for sure !!!!

It's over

Yesterday as i walked past the garbage i saw a lonely Christmas tree lying on its side amidst all the bags of garbage. i stopped (for some lunatic reason) to look at the tree... a few forgotten strands of tinsel were flapping in the winter breezes trying to escape their doomed fate. And i couldn't help but think how sad it was .. to see this tree, that for a few weeks had brought such joy (one presumes) to a family - that was festive and alive with lights and decorations and tinsel, now lying on its side forgotten amidst the bags of garbage..

And it made me think of all the endings that happen at this time of the year.... the old year has been packed up and shown the door - evicted in a manner of speaking.. all battle scarred and worn...even New Year's resolutions made just a few days ago already lie discarded by some.......

i did manage to post daily from the 7th of December till the 6th of January for the holidailies challenge - 32 consecutive posts... it was fun and yes a bit of a challenge some days to come up with something new and interesting to write... i had opened up the doors of my lil blog home to complete strangers .. welcomed them as guests in my home.. and i have to admit it was a very positive experience.. i had no "trolls" in my house.. i had well behaved.. well mannered guests. But the holidailies are finished...

The holidays are over.

It is now time to move forward with life.. face the challenges this New Year brings our way....... live and love and celebrate each day ..........

And this blog will be evidence of all the living and loving and celebrating that will grace my life in 2006!

Fiddling

Every evening from 8 - 9, Sir and i talk on msn .. and there are rules/protocols to go with the chat.. first i must wear my leather collar (the one that makes me feel like i am choking and can't breath - totally a mind thing) and secondly i must always have the cam on. The cam is so important to Sir that after He says "evening" .. before i answer Him .. i must turn the cam on.... This ritual dates back to the time He was training me.. when W/we didn't see each other every Friday till Monday...... i did see Him sometimes on a Friday afternoon for a few hours.. but not always.. so this cam time each evening was our time together.

Now you have to understand.. some evenings there is much to talk about with Sir.. many little happenings to share with Him.. other evenings (especially when i am on holidays) there is very little to talk about or share with Him...the whole rule about this hour with Sir is that i am supposed to devote my whole attention to Him.. even if it means just sitting quietly ........ now i find it rather difficult to just sit quietly (go figure !!!) and often times i will be reading blogs while i chat with Him.. or playing a couple of games on Yahoo...... always keeping one eye on the chat window.. waiting for the flashing orange to signal He has written something...... over the years i have become very good at keeping the conversation going with Sir.. AND doing other things... the really tough part - the part that makes it a bit of a challenge for me is....... Sir does not put His cam on...... so i never know what He is doing... Hell He could be sitting watching TV .. or making a coffee.. or studying me intently... i never know.. But as i said.. i have become quite good at looking attentive while i do other things......

Until last evening.......
Last night i was blogged out.. i didn't feel like playing games.. after all i had spent the better part of the day working on the computer trying to set up a web site for my "other business".... i was feeling bum sore and bleary eyed... from sitting and staring at the screen all day. AND there wasn't much to talk about with Sir.....and Sir was (after the initial bit of chat about His day) relatively quiet... so i started to fiddle with my nails...... (i have decided to stop going to the manicurist and do them myself.. which means i tend to fiddle with my nails a lot ! ) Sir asked - almost immediately - "What are you doing".. i answered in an offhand manner.. "nothing Sir.. just fiddling".. the screen was blank for a few seconds then Sir responded "then masturbate". My eyes popped open.. i haven't masturbated per say in ages and ages.. "masturbate??" i figured He was joking...... and basically ignored it.. Sir cut and paste the message to me again !! ok.. now i knew He wasn't joking.. so i innocently whined.. "masturbate??? sighh.. can i use my favourite toy?" and the answer.. "no".. simple as that.. NO. Now you have to understand.. this evenings chat had not gone as well as usual.... i was in hot water for sending my daily private journal late .. 80 minutes late.. and Sir had just informed me that i can expect 2x80 minutes = 160 punishment swats... and i was feeling sulky about it... and now He expected me to masturbate.. Hell i wasn't even horny!! dry as dust i was.... and He expected me to masturbate !?

One handed typing is NOT my speciality... i typed to Him...." i am so dry Sir" .. no response.. then i typed " will i be allowed to cum Sir?" answer "if I say you can" (duhhhhh ) and then i typed " i am dry Sir " to which He responded "then FOCUS" and the conversation stopped. i sat here playing with myself.. using saliva to moisten said dry areas......mechanically masturbating.. not putting much into it.. i was ticked.. and all my silly subbie brain could think was "160 swats !!?? it's just not fair".. Time passed and i was still not getting into the spirit of things ........ i visualized Sir chatting away to a multitude of other folk while i was left sitting here playing with a dry stubbornly refusing to respond pussy... i visualized Sir turning and watching TV and ignoring me.. i huffed and i puffed on cam.. i made faces.. i did everything i could think of to make Sir say "ok you may stop".. BUT He didn't.. which just fueled my resolve that He wasn't even paying any attention to my plight.. and then i sulked.. and pouted some more (did i ever tell you i do pout very nicely !) Still nothing from Sir.. 9:00 had come and gone...... and still Sir was not responding ......... and i got this image in my head of me sitting here at the computer screen all night long with my hand up my pussy playing and Sir sitting at His end ignoring me.. and here i sat till the sun came up..... ok.. stupid subbie.. smarten up .. concentrate on what you are doing and bloody well cum! or ask for permission to cum......... so i did .. concentrate i mean... and lo and behold my darling body responded... and soon i was dripping and all kinds of embarassing sloshing noises were coming from my private pink bits..... and i was wiggling quite nicely on my chair (i HATE chairs on wheels!!) and finally .. FINALLY .. i typed rather quickly and one handed.. " please sir may i cum" ...... and the answer back "yes" .. and i did!!

i learned something from this lesson........ and this probably won't be earth shattering to anyone else.. but god it did slap me upside the head.,... i belong to Sir.. my body .. my mind .. my whole being !!! and if He wants me to sit quietly and wait for Him..... then sit quietly i shall...... no fiddling ....... if Sir wants me to masturbate to amuse Him.. or just to keep me occupied while He does something else.. then masturbate i shall....
oh yeah.. and the other important lesson i learned from this........ if i am not going to the manicurist anymore.. make damn sure my nails are filed down with no rough edges - cause rough edges hurt......... and it ain't consentual !!!

Fantasies

Fantasy as defined by the Oxford Dictionary is....
1) the imagining of improbable or impossible things 2) a fanciful product of the imagination reflecting a person's desires.

Now i used to believe my fantasies were improbable and impossible.. AND just a product of an overactive imagination.... but when i sit down (as i have this week) and take a look at my fantasies.. they are neither improbable or impossible... let me elaborate:

i had this fantasy for about 30 years to be pierced - this stemmed from the piercing segment in the Story of O. i never in my wildest dreams ever thought such a thing could happen... and yet ... on a Thanksgiving weekend not that long ago..... Sir took me and had me pierced...

This fantasy turned out to be everything - no.. more !! - than i had imagined...

Then i had this fantasy to play outdoors.. to be naked and bound to a tree.. left to be discovered - or not - ohhhhh how that fantasy would make me weak kneed and wet......One day Sir arrived and had me pack up the ropes and pull on a dress and sandals and we drove to a nearby conservation area.. and went for a "walk"... It was early spring and there weren't too many folks about... and Sir veered off the normal path and took one of the ski paths that are basically unused in the spring and summer... and we walked until He found just the right tree.. just the right area.. just the right amount of dirt (have i told you i HATE being dirty??!!) And Sir ordered me to strip .. and then i was tied in such an unladylike position legs spread wide apart firmly bound to trees and my hands and body were firmly bound to another and i was left (well i thought i had been left... truthfully Sir just walked a distance away to take pictures)

and my heart pounded and the adrenalin pumped through my body... and i worried someone would come and discover me.. and god it made me wet .. so very wet!

Then i had fantasies about being made to sleep on the floor and i did .. for many months..... until the old bones complained too much and getting UP in the morning became something of an ordeal.........i fantasized about living in a community of like minded folk.... and Sir took me away to the BDSM camp for 3 years running now... where we lived for 3 days with like minded folk and no one even batted an eyelash at seeing subbies tied to trees.. or being whipped .. or crawling after their Masters on leashes... and i was tied spread eagle outside the tent.. on display to any who passed by.. i was taken into the woods and whipped and flogged .. ohhhhh i experienced life with like minded people and loved it !! i have fantasized about walking naked through the city streets with only a cape to cover my nakedness.. and Sir had me strip naked at our local club one night just before we left and had me wrap my cape around me and walk out and (might i add) past a police cruiser and two cops who were just standing there.. and on to our car where i breathed a HUGE sigh of relief and got a terrible case of the giggles......

And i had a fantasy to be whipped flogged paddled by multiple Doms... i wanted to see if i would cry "uncle" or use kaya's favourite safe word "stop mother blankety blank blank"... and it happened... Sir and two other Doms had a go at me... and i didn't cry "uncle" or "stop mother blankety blank blank" instead i floated away with my fairies...

i have fantasized about humiliation play...... and by definition it isn't something i would tolerate well.... but humiliation play by someone else's definition is not what works for me.. Sir however has found multiple ways of using "soft" humiliation with me .. like my having to wear the lacy see through dress on Sunday at our Open House party.... or having me ask for permission to pee.. and leaving the door open while i do.. and telling Him when i have finished ... or having me on a cross at a public play party and pulling my thongs down and playing with me sexually ... of playing with me privately with friends and showing them how wet i can get.. and how i can ejaculate.. and ohhhhhhhhh how that humiliated me!!!

Yes i have had many fantasies.. more than i can remember now.... and Sir has made sure to try them all out.. some worked fine in reality.. others were best left to the imagination........ Now..... now my fantasy is to be put on the cross or hung from the chains and to be whipped and flogged.. taken upstairs and cuddled BUT before i return to reality to be taken back up there with the fairies and rainbows... to be used till there is nothing left inside me.. and then to be filled up with my Sir...... and finally released on the vanilla world on Monday.. ready to battle the demons that haunt my lil guys.......

Vanity

"vanity thy name is woman" - now i always thought that was a quote from Shakespeare......... but it would seem i was wrong - the actual quote is "fraility thy name is woman" ... However for the purposes of this blog... and begging Shakespeare's pardon.. "Vanity thy name is woman" is my theme today....

i was going through some pictures on my pc this week....... pictures of myself going back 2 years........ and i was aghast at what i saw!! Two years ago my hair started to fall out in clumps... and i developed some serious health problems. Truthfully i was more concerned about the bald patches than i was the health issues. Vanity thy name is woman!!!

The medical profession concocted potions and pills that i had to swill down ... but they did nothing for the bald patches......... My hairdresser worked over time to try and offer some help .. some support.. but the very best he could do was chop it all off and try and camouflage the empty spaces. Two years ago..........i had this knot in the pit of my stomach every time i washed or styled my hair..... i HATED it... i hated how it made me look and feel........ god Vanity thy name is woman !!!

Sir never said a word....... He was there supporting and helping and advising.. but not a word did He say about the lack of hair. Two years........ i can't believe it has been that long now....... Sometime in November Sir looked at me and said "your hair looks great!!!" and it did! Slowly it had started to grow back..... and now it is chin length again and manageable.. and a bit curly .. and healthy.. and i feel so much more a woman again!!!

But i learned some important lessons in those 2 years of healing....... and sometimes i forget them.. (like over the past couple of weeks)

1) i am NOT perfect....... i make mistakes.. and it is OK to make mistakes...

2) that the body needs to be pampered and cared for and not ignored.. if ignored it will bite you in the ass

3) Sir doesn't care if my hair is mousey and "ugly" He only cares that i am not taking care of myself...... His toy........

i owe my Sir a huge debt of gratitude.. and i forget that sometimes - being so wrapped up in bald spots and poor health and yes VANITY ......... He never waivered from my side during those 2 years.. He supported and cared and (dare i say) loved me despite everything.... On Sunday on Sir's orders i pulled on the lacey black dress i had bought Him for His birthday.... fluffed my hair and put on make up and came down the stairs to greet our guests..... and Sir looked at me and told me i looked great!!! and like the grinch.. my heart grew 3 sizes...... only it took 3 days for me to remember those words.. to remember i am valued and loved and cared for despite everything - or maybe because of everything!