Last evening Sir had invited our friend Cloud to come to the condo with His new slave for an evening of play. i had known about this invitation for about a week i guess..... i had some nervous butterflies about the whole thing on a number of levels - it was a true challenge.. test maybe?? that Sir would keep me safe.. protect the sanctity of our lil home.
Driving home from work i noticed that my hands were shaking - my knees felt weak and my stomach kept flip flopping.......During the week there had been some good natured bantering between Cloud and Sir about the new "slave".. about her body..... about her no limits.. about the level of pain she could endure. Maybe it wasn't just good natured bantering... and i was struggling with it. i had been informed that slave k would probably NOT have a session per say.. but that she and Cloud would watch Sir put me through my paces. AND oh god.. i was scared..... put on show ... expected to perform .... expected to out surpass some benchmark that i could not see...... i felt a tremendous amount of pressure/stress to make my Sir proud !!!
i worked extremely hard at seeing myself as nothing more than an object to be used - this is NOT an easy imaging task for me...... i tend to have way too many opinions... and way too much back bone to just suddenly transform into this "object". But by the time we were all downstairs and i was chained to the ceiling.. i was in at least a submitting mind set.. that seemed to be the best i could do on my own. BUT things changed instantly. Cloud and slave k did not sit down on the little sofa and observe the session. Cloud immediately fastened slave k to the cross and started to go to work on her. i will admit to some major mental gear shifting on my part.....and finally quite truthfully in my head i went "what the F*CK" and just let go and tried to enjoy the session my Sir was giving me...... i stopped trying so damn hard to be this object.. and just went with being me....
know what folks?? it is so much easier.. so much better .. so much more "real" to just be "me"..... but it was a difficult session.. on a whole lot of different levels... and i thought i had worked out my definition for "difficult session"... reminds me of a quote i read on a blog.......
"Just when i think i have it all figured out - i live another day - and life gets complicated"
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I really understand this one... I can run this headgame on myself, too: want to "measure up," want to not embarrass myself or my Master, know I'm never as "good at IT" as anyone else... These "show" sessions are such a challenge on so many levels. I love public play in some ways. It is affirming to be with others of like mind, to know that you will be accepted and supported and seen. On the other hand, there is always the challenge of that "being seen..." Sounds like you made it through it just fine and likely learned whatever lesson there was in it for you as well. Be gentle with yourself.
ReplyDeletehugs, swan
morningstar yes I wanted her to watch a session but as morningstar. she felt at ease with you and needed release. your performance on Friday was great worthy of you and I would suggest that you and Sir always be yourselves I was not there to show off my slave but to show her my good friends. To show her the caring that you two have and that it is alright to express her thoughts as you do so well.
ReplyDeleteSo if there was a mind f.... going on it was not planned by me. I saw what I needed to see in her reactions and her acceptance of the situation which came early in the evening I also need to see her acceptance of play the reason why we played intead of watching.
SO again I thank you and hope next time will be more fun and fulfill your deires and that of Sir