Thursday, January 23, 2020
It has been growing....... the feeling that my nerves are on edge... small things are irritating me... I am ANTSY.
and it's January..... so basically it is my annual nervous breakdown.
At 2 this morning - lying in the darkness - I thought IF I could take my pill then I wouldn't feel so antsy -- I would be able to stop things from getting under my skin and making me grind my teeth..... and bite my tongue...... IF I could take a pill.
But I won't take that pill. I have tools now (thanks to Bounce Back) to handle (to some degree) the feelings of irritation.
Yesterday I washed all the floors in the house... I polished the wood floors... I scrubbed the kitchen floor - on my knees to make sure they were really clean! that is my OCD kicking in... the need to have everything neat and tidy and clean. Sir Steve came home from work to pick up the lil one and take her to swimming class... he walked across the kitchen floor with his boots on. When they were gone there were dirty footprints across my clean kitchen floor. The tears came -- and the anger came........ didn't anyone else want a clean house?? didn't HE appreciate a clean house?? didn't HE realize how much work it is to get the house this clean?? I paced and I stewed and I slammed cupboard doors as I started to make dinner.
When they got home I took a deep breath and quietly talked to Sir Steve...... explained how upset I was -- he apologized and supper went on the table.
I talked to myself -- pointed out that this neat/clean fixation was my obsession ... not his.. not the lil one's... all mine. and in the big picture how important was it really??!
I took deep breaths - I slowed my pulse/heart rate down - I reminded myself this would pass.
And at 2 this morning I wanted a pill ..... I craved a pill....... I needed to deaden the emotions........... BUT I won't take the pill...... slowly things will improve if I keep breathing....
Life is good when you resist the temptations and remember to breath.
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