It has been growing....... the feeling that my nerves are on edge... small things are irritating me... I am ANTSY.
and it's January..... so basically it is my annual nervous breakdown.
At 2 this morning - lying in the darkness - I thought IF I could take my pill then I wouldn't feel so antsy -- I would be able to stop things from getting under my skin and making me grind my teeth..... and bite my tongue...... IF I could take a pill.
But I won't take that pill. I have tools now (thanks to Bounce Back) to handle (to some degree) the feelings of irritation.
Yesterday I washed all the floors in the house... I polished the wood floors... I scrubbed the kitchen floor - on my knees to make sure they were really clean! that is my OCD kicking in... the need to have everything neat and tidy and clean. Sir Steve came home from work to pick up the lil one and take her to swimming class... he walked across the kitchen floor with his boots on. When they were gone there were dirty footprints across my clean kitchen floor. The tears came -- and the anger came........ didn't anyone else want a clean house?? didn't HE appreciate a clean house?? didn't HE realize how much work it is to get the house this clean?? I paced and I stewed and I slammed cupboard doors as I started to make dinner.
When they got home I took a deep breath and quietly talked to Sir Steve...... explained how upset I was -- he apologized and supper went on the table.
I talked to myself -- pointed out that this neat/clean fixation was my obsession ... not his.. not the lil one's... all mine. and in the big picture how important was it really??!
I took deep breaths - I slowed my pulse/heart rate down - I reminded myself this would pass.
And at 2 this morning I wanted a pill ..... I craved a pill....... I needed to deaden the emotions........... BUT I won't take the pill...... slowly things will improve if I keep breathing....
Life is good when you resist the temptations and remember to breath.
Seeing those words reflect who I can also be. I still find medication helps to bring me back into the world others live in. Thanks for writing those words
ReplyDeleteI just walk into places too, without thinking about the floors. I feel guilty about that now.
ReplyDeletePrefectdt
Hi Morningstar,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this. I have an obsession with having to have everything clean and tidy too and it gets in the way of getting out enjoying life sometimes. Your words that the obsession is yours, not Sir Steve's really struck a chord with me.
Funny story, yesterday was recycling day. I came home to find my neighbour had retrieved my nice clean recycling bin from the street leaving me their much dirtier one. It irritated me so much I actually went over to their place and swapped the bins back LoL.
Good on you not taking the pill. Your other important words in this post is that the feeling will pass. I have said to friends during times of anxiety or depression to let themselves feel what they feel and not fight it and that it will pass. They actually thanked me for that advice because in the moment, it certainly doesn't feel like it will pass. That's important to remember during these times.
Hugs
Roz
Morningstar,
ReplyDeleteI loved the visual of your writing, especially since I have been there (not with medication....but the rest). Did you give yourself a pat on the back for working through all the emotions? for talking to Sir Steve? For the whole day?
I hope so. If not, I am proud of you for doing that (doesn't mean much, but still).
Hugs
Boo