Friday, September 01, 2017

Cluster Fuck

Yesterday was a 'cluster fuck'.  It's strange I never use that word -- it's really not even in my vocabulary -- but by 3pm yesterday I was pacing the trailer saying over and over "what a cluster fuck........ what a cluster fuck".

I am not going to go into details because they are too long and too convoluted to even try.  I did however see this cluster fuck coming because a few days ago the lil one and I were at a friend's trailer visiting and the grandmother came over to interrupt.   The lil one continued playing pretty much ignoring the grandmother.  Then for whatever reason the lil one decided to hug and kiss me and tell me how much she loved me (this is NOT uncommon -- something special -- she tends to do it frequently -- so did the children in my classroom for over 30 years!!)  I told Sir Steve that night that there was gonna be fall out from it...........there always is.
The fallout happened yesterday.  I had been to the city for a couple of hours and when I got home -- I hadn't even put the car in park - when the lil one came storming across two campsites crying -- telling me I had left the dog alone and she had cried while I was gone.  The lil one sounded so angry with me.  It literally tore my heart out.  I quietly explained to her that the dog has problems being alone -- that the dog cries sometimes -- but she knows the dog is fine!!  I let her go in the trailer and let the dog out -- we put her on her rope and the dog bounced around happy and playful like usual.  BUT it did not console the child.  I had been mean to leave the dog.  I sent the child back to the mother.

I admit I did nothing but storm around the trailer saying IF the mother had been an adult -- even IF the child had been upset by the dog crying - she could have reassured her.  (Please note I highly doubt the child was upset until it was pointed out to her - as the dog cries whenever we leave her and the child has never noticed before!!)

My stomach knotted up -- I started shaking -- I felt the panic attack coming on -- AND the urge to really stir up some shit.  I have seen too many -- way too many -- children used as pawns in custody hearings/divorces.... have seen what it does to them emotionally.  I sent Sir Steve a text message at work.... something I have never done!  He texted back immediately.  AND when he got home and saw the mess I was in -- suggested we come back to the city for the night. 

Poor Sir Steve is devastated -- for his child who is being used as a pawn and for me who is being hurt by this nonsense.  It was a quiet night.

BUT it did me the world of good to be back in the city away from their ever watching eyes.  Away from the pettiness and the vindictiveness ... just away from all of them.  




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