Ripples

So ........... I decided to not be too nostalgic about past play parties and munches etc.

Then the ripple effect started to happen..... 

I was talking to Angelsquest yesterday about this new attitude of mine -- and believe it or not -- Fetlife.  She told me she had taken her account down -- and I realized I haven't been on there in AGES!!  I agreed with her that Fetlife had changed -- but has it changed -- or have the changes in my life made Fetlife less current??? Maybe a bit of both.  I have taken sabbaticals from Fetlife before -- once for about 5 years ....... so I posted a 'so long for now' post over there...... will leave my profile there cause yeah ya never know ........ 

Last evening Sir Steve and I were chatting about how things have changed in the lifestyle......... and how they've stayed the same... reminiscing a bit I guess. 

Then lo and behold he got a message on Fetlife from a couple that are looking for a 'teacher' and maybe friends in the lifestyle....... we talked about it and I suggested he just ask them to define 'teacher'....... cause their definition might be very different from his.

AND I have had a submissive approach me to see if I wanted to go out for coffee with her.

(smiling)

So it would seem the 'lifestyle' is not ready to let go of us.  But we are cautious.  This town we're in has a fairly big swingers group...... and Sir Steve and I don't want or need to share the sex part of our lives.

BUT
we are open to friends with the same philosophy on life.......... 

Life changes and takes detours .... but it never stops.

 

Good Old Days

My post from Saturday "Great Expectations" has had me reminiscing about the good old days......... play parties every weekend -- munches 2 or 3 times a month -- private house parties -- old guard/new guard...... slave/sub.

Those were truly the 'good old days'......... 

(now please note -- from this point on this is ONLY my opinion....my experience .. in hind sight -- and your mileage may vary)

BUT were they really the good old days??!!  OR were they days of brain washing -- and humiliation -- and mental and yes even physical abuse??? 

OH don't get me wrong -- I fully and totally consented to every single thing that happened to me......... I wanted to belong to this 'community'.  I wanted to be in the "in crowd".  And we were for the most part .......... and I think mostly because I was a masochist and could take just about anything that was thrown at me.

I remember when the latex folks and the rubber folks started showing up at play parties....... oh how the leather folks complained and made fun of them.... put them down... called them the new "S/M" crowd (stand and model) I was just as bad.. I said it too many times.  But now when I look at 'us' -- the doms dressed in their leathers...toting floggers and whips and paddles...... the subs semi dressed in corsets and thongs .. knee high boots... and thigh high stockings -- usually with chains around their necks and sometimes with leashes attached... prancing around behind their Doms -- weren't we dressing up too??? weren't we modeling too??? None of us would go out in the 'real' world dressed like that -- and prance around.

A lot of things were done to subs by doms who really had no training.. who watched a few scenes -- maybe even took a few classes by self taught 'experts' ....... I have the scars to prove that this is more 'Risk Aware Shit Happens' -- than it is 'Safe Sane and Consensual'.  I have permanent nerve damage to the baby finger on my left hand complete with an inoperable cyst due to bondage gone wrong....... I have an "L" shaped scar on my ass from a whip session that went very wrong .... I have a mark on my left breast from a needle session that went even more wrong.

AND my mind -- you can't see the scars or the damage -- but they're there...... healing now... thanks to the care of Sir Steve... but nevertheless ...... bad shit happened to my head..... 
it was ok to kick my legs apart and take me -- a wham bang thank you ma'am sort of thing - with toys mostly and fingers.... no tenderness -- no loving in those touches -- mostly humiliation -- humiliated that I thought I was only good enough for that form of sex/loving.... (never any gentle caresses -- or snuggling -- or cuddling and giggling together)

Over the years of being taken and being used -- I came to believe that was all I was good for......... 
Over the years I came to believe I wasn't a good sub.... hell it was announced at a munch to anyone who would listen.......I began to chastise myself ...self talk that might have landed me up in the "looney bin" if I hadn't had a handful of good people who worried about me and watched over me (from afar).  IF I hadn't found a therapist who was BDSM friendly.  IF my friends hadn't finally held an intervention and got me to move out of the shadow world -- and into reality.  

So now I ask myself -- were those really the 'good old days'??? Is that what I really want to go back to

OR

is my new reality healthy and happier??
There are still the whips and floggers and paddles and knives..... but done with true love -- to fill the need of the masochist and the Sadist -- not to show off for others -- but just for us -- out of love.
I am beginning to learn that it is OK to speak what is in my head with no fear of recriminations  ... and that humiliation has no place in a loving relationship.
AND I am learning that making love is a union of two people with deep abiding respect for each other and for themselves. 

Life is good when you realize that the 'good old days' are really today -- really NOW!

Things do Change !

On Friday I wrote a post -- Great Expectations -- and got some indirect feedback.  

"As much as things change they stay the same"....... 

some things do stay the same -- like my mid winter blues...... that make me antsy and fidgety and wishing for the moon.  

BUT

things have changed........ greatly.  I didn't fall too far down the winter blues rabbit hole before slapping myself upside the head and getting off my ass ...... I shaved from head to toe -- I oiled my body -- I did my hair -- I put on makeup -- and talked with Sir Steve......... that is just one of the many things that has changed I CAN and DO talk with him when life gets too much for me to handle alone.  AND he listens and hears me!

Sir Steve reminds me over and over -- that he is different from any other relationship partner -- any other Dom -- I have had.  He is so willing to listen to me -- to work together to find a fix.  

AND the BIG ONE 
Sir Steve is very willing to admit when he's wrong -- or in this case -- when he has gotten lazy -- taking things for granted.  Best of all -- he immediately works towards finding the 'fix'....... no blame -- no scolding that *I* am the sub it is MY fault or MY job.  We are a unit -- we work best when we work together.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Our weekend evolved -- 

Sir Steve had an 'adventure' planned for us.  BUT I was stressing over the business and the record keeping.  I asked if the 'adventure' could be put on hold and if we could spend a couple of hours on Saturday working through the business records organising and filing and calculating.  
Not terribly sexy -- or BDSMy -- but it was what we both needed to ease financial stress.

And once the paper work was done -- when the calculators and computers and all the files were cleared up and put away Sir Steve suggested we treat ourselves to a nice late lunch at a German restaurant in town. 

We came home to snuggle ....... and relax together.  And later in the evening he got up and went to the bedroom -- turned off the bright lights -- turned on the soft lighting -- pulled the covers back on the bed and then stood in the doorway -- looking at me with that intense look he gets -- and slowly undid his belt and slipped it out of the pant loops.

We enjoyed time in bed giggling and touching and soothing and healing..... over and over till neither of us had an ounce of energy left. 


YES -- as much as things change they can stay the same -- but life is very good when we work together to fix the problems  !!

Sunday Sentiments

Great Expectations

A year ago -- when Sir Steve and I were starting our relationship...... we did stuff on weekends.  AND we planned all the stuff we would do when I was living here.

Visions of play parties and munches and weekend trips to other cities -  of long lazy days in bed with grilled cheese sandwiches and chocolate milk - danced through my head.

AND it started off well -- with trips to Montreal for munches and play parties.... and visits back to my old haunts for munches and even one Saturday with grilled cheese sandwiches and chocolate milk in bed.......

BUT the reality is -- when you are starting a relationship you are energized and eager .... you find the money and the time..... then life steps in.... the money goes on booster seats and clothes for the lil one... on food and stuff for the house or car -- work hours are longer and he's more tired....

And it gets easier and easier to veg at home .......

Then mid-winter blahs set in...... 

And all the plans you once had float away into the frozen mist.......... 


(I have more thoughts on the 'normality' setting in -- the laziness setting in -- but will save those thoughts - sort out those thoughts - and write about it later)

 

Sands of Time

Life has a way of slapping you upside the head from time to time.

I have fussed since Sir Steve and I got together about the age difference -- about how much time has passed and how little time we have ....... BUT for the most part I think -- it is human nature to think -- we have forever together... or at least 20 years or so.. 

Then

Last evening I got a phone call from youngest daughter.  I could tell from her "hi Mom" that something was very wrong.  The minute she heard my voice she burst into tears..... and sobbed.  There is nothing worse than being miles away from your child and to hear the pain and fear in the sobs.

I got her to calm down enough to explain what had happened.......... I knew it was pretty serious.............. 
Turns out her mother in law (who lives with them and keeps an eye on the boys and the running of the household while she works) had a stroke.

BUT......
She had the stroke 3 days ago!  and didn't tell anyone!!  Turns out she woke up and couldn't speak.  Instead of alerting someone (her son was in his office right next to her bedroom) she decided to go back to sleep. 

Two days ago youngest daughter called 'info sante' because her mother in law seemed to be suffering from dementia -- they suggested going to a clinic the next day -- until youngest talked about the blurry vision in the left eye and a headache.  They then said 'hospital' now!

As of last night (they had the test results) the doctors diagnosed a stroke that happened 3 days ago - though she might have had many small ones for the last month or so.   And because she waited 3 days - the damage was irreversible.  The future looks bleak.  BUT they are sending her to the 'super hospital' today to the neuro department to do a more thorough examination.

They all have a long road ahead of them -- and tough decisions to make.

It makes me more determined than ever to squeeze as much life out of each day as I can....... because you do not know what tomorrow brings.........  

 

Tick Tock

This morning I read a piece over on Fondlers Anonymous about 'Time' ..... I left a comment but realized I wanted to write more ..... so here I am!

I almost always did what was expected of me -- or maybe to be fair -- I did what I knew... I got married -- had the 2.5 children -- the house in the burbs -- and was ready to spend my life living a mirror image of my parents.  BUT as my girls got older -- I realized how much I didn't know.  How much I hadn't experienced.  How much I wanted to experience.  I am not proud of ending my marriage -- he was a good man -- just not (unfortunately) the man for me.  

(tick tock tick tock)

I really wanted to experience BDSM -- I REALLY wanted to be a submissive -- to turn my life / my body  over to a Dominant.  To someone who would value me and treat me like some precious gift.

The only problem was the Dominant I found -- he didn't 'get' monogamous. Slave or submissive -- I still believed in monogamy.  He didn't.  And so I ended the relationship in a snit -- figuratively throwing his collar back at him.  

(tick tock tick tock)

I explored the BDSM world on my own.  I met Sir Steve and Sir Kira ........but as my partnership with them ended I realized I wanted someone for me ..... I didn't want to share..... and believe it or not -- I went back to that Dominant who cheated on me......... simple minded me believed IF we defined monogamy -- IF we were both on the same page -- it could work -- it would work!!  I would make it work!!

(tick tock tick tock)

It did work for a bit....... until it didn't work.  I am not proud of the steps I took to get the information that ended the relationship -- I read his messages to other women -- read his emails to other women -- stalked his friends on Facebook.  And finally confronted 2 of my 'friends' about their relationship with him.  Then I confronted him....... and then I moved out.  Monogamy was definitely NOT in his vocabulary.

(tick tock tick tock)

I remember one day sitting in my lil home in Kingston -- reviewing my life.  Realizing living on my own wasn't such a bad thing.  At least my heart was safe...... and I questioned my need to be submissive -- to be 'bossed' around by someone who barely had his life together.  

But as each birthday rolled around I felt older and older -- and I started to feel that the life I had dreamed of was not going to happen.  I was going to be on my own -- probably become the crazy cat lady.

(tick tock tick tock)

And then Sir Steve popped up in my life again.
I didn't recognise myself.  I went after this relationship with a passion.  I didn't weigh the pros and cons of moving to be with him... I didn't over think the relationship... I didn't give a damn how many times my parents rolled over in their graves -- or what my brother would think of me -- or what my girls would think.  I was going to take that big step off the edge and trust he would catch me. 

I am 17 years older than Sir Steve -- more than half my life is over.  I want to squeeze as much living as possible into the time we have together.  I don't want to waste one more minute worrying about what people think...... I want to grab life and live it to the fullest.  I am the best person -- P E R S O N -- I can be with him -- not submissive not slave just ME.  And he is the best person -- P E R S O N -- he can be with me -- not Dominant or domineering or even bossy he's just HIM.

Spending time with Sir Steve -- with the right person -- is a very good thing!

Down the Rabbit Hole

Each time we go to court -- afterwards -- I seem to go down the rabbit hole....... 

This time was the worst -- I fell further than ever before and didn't know how to climb back out.

Saturday morning Sir Steve went out to run some messages and when he came home we had a long long talk...... and I cried and cried.......... He took me by the hand and pulled me into the bedroom.

He had me strip and lay on the bed.  He left the room and when he came back he had a lit candle.... and massage oil.  I am not big on massages.....not even close........ but lying there feeling his hands work the oil into my body -- rubbing and stroking it -- working the tight muscles loose felt like heaven.  I felt myself melting into the bed.......felt the stress easing... felt the bond between us building again

We had a lovely afternoon in bed -- and then a spur of the moment dinner out at a local restaurant.

Sunday -- despite the wonderful afternoon on Saturday -- I awoke with knots in my stomach again........ 

But Sir Steve pulled me into the bedroom again around noon -- and the brat came out to play.  I wiggled away from him .... squiggled and wiggled -- nipped and bit -- he tickled and I screeched.  We wrestled and played -- and suddenly nipple clamps were applied and I froze..... laid very still ...... eyes big........... He actually clamped them on!!!  WTF??!!  but I loved it as much as I whimpered over them.......

And the afternoon in bed was amazing -- great!!  emotionally healing for me...... 

The lil one came home around dinner time -- turns out 'mother' is not going away -- we are unsure as to whether she was fed misinformation or if she dreamed it up... but at this point I don't much care we have more weekends to ourselves -- more bonding time... more breathing space for me......... 

Life is good when you find your way out of the 'rabbit hole'..... 

Sunday Sentiments

Aftermath

That pic pretty much describes my day yesterday -- every day after another postponement -- my day after any contact for any reason with the family.

I am tired ya know?  My heart hurts.  All the good advice (given and posted) about not letting negative people influence your life -- not letting them in -- kicking them to the curb -- just doesn't work for me.  

This time it is taking me much longer to bounce back.

The tears are just behind my eyes - ready to spill over.  Yesterday was a weepy sort of day -- Missy (the cat) spent most of the day curled up tight against me.  Then late in the afternoon I was chatting with my eldest daughter and the tears spilled over -- hell more than spilled over -- I sat here typing to her sobbing.  The dog was whining and when I looked over at her she suddenly jumped up and jumped onto the sofa -- put her paws against my chest and started licking my face.  

Sir Steve came in with a Tim Horton's french vanilla (a treat) and candy for me.  Everyone is trying so hard to make me feel better and I feel guilty cause I am really having trouble shaking these emotions this time.

AND that makes me feel guilty too -- I want to be happy and full of piss and vinegar -- cheeky bratty subbie -- driving Sir Steve nuts on our two days alone.......... but I'm not there .....not yet.  

Lies My Mother Told Me..........

For years and years and years I was told to never lie -- to always tell the truth ...and to give people the benefit of the doubt.  AND to live a good life following the rules and laws. And I would come out on top!

However the hardest thing I have had to deal with in this custody battle is how much they LIE and bend the truth and smile sweetly innocently and plead they are the ones hard done to. 

In court and with CAS the mother puts on the perfect mother act -- the poor mother act -- the misunderstood - mistreated mom.  She has done nothing wrong.

I do not have proof beyond a doubt -- but pretty damn close that they are doing their best to alienate the lil one from her father and myself.  Last night was the lastest example -- "where's my skate board that mommy gave me " asked while she was in the bath -- "where did you put it"?  We gave it back to mommy -- it's not age appropriate .......... she acted as though she didn't believe us.  We have gut feelings that she has been led to believe we have thrown out all her special toys given to her by my mommy...... reinforced by the comments of the CAS worker who was suprised -- genuinely surprised that there were pictures on her walls of mommy and family and toys filling the shelves.

BUT let's not get long winded -- let's look at documentations (that can be backed up by independent folks -- so not innuendos from us) 

1) Mother couldn't get the child to shower for her during the summer
2) Mother didn't have soap to wash the child
3) Mother lost the child any number of times during the summer and would wander over to our campsite (and other sites) and ASK if anyone knew where she was
4) one of those misplaced child episodes -- the child was found by an independent camper down at the front gate at the beach unsupervised
5) the mother has no boundaries or sense of personal space and would come up on our deck uninvited -- one time even opening our trailer door without knocking
6) Mother goes away for weeks on end (4 trips since May and another coming up in a week or so) and never once calls her lil one to say hello -- and rarely gives us more than 48 hours heads up about her not being able to take the lil one for her visitation

Fast Forward to Fall 
and accusations we weren't keeping mother up to date on progress at school............

1) we sent homework over a weekend -- assignment to practice printing the lil one's name -- it wasn't done and we had to do it Sunday night
2) rhyming words  were to be practiced over the weekend -- never done
3) last Thursday trip to Emerg and a prescription for ventolin and aero chamber -- Sir Steve tried to explain how to use it -- Mother shut him down and said her mother - the grandmother would do it
4) hospital bracelet was left on so the lil one could show the teacher on Friday and mommy.  The bracelet was not removed till Sunday evening -- when Sir Steve cut the bracelet off the wrist was red and rashy and in parts was like raw hamburger meat.  We have spent 5 days treating it and it still looks like this...............

BUT none of this counts in court......... poor lil mother -- needs another postponement to get her ducks in a row.  The law says cases like this must -- MUST - be closed in a 12 month period.  We are currently on 16 months -- and now have another 2 month delay.

AND we keep hearing that we must realize these delays are in the best interest of the child -- finding the BEST solution for the child.  It boggles my mind!!!
What are the courts waiting for -- the child to be abducted from the front gate of the campsite where the weekenders camp -- folks we don't know -- who come and go and are never seen again?? For the child to be playing in the lake unsupervised and drown?? for the child to get hit by a car??  For something more serious than a rash from a hospital bracelet that was neglected?? 

What's the point of living a good life -- of being kind to liars and cheats -- giving them second and third chances??  Good guys do seem to finish last -- and in this case the child is the one who will suffer the consequences -- if something doesn't happen soon!

Today

Today is our date in family court -- to settle the custody issue.

BUT we know how that's gonna turn out -- it will be postponed AGAIN -- until CAS has all their ducks in a row.

The delays and postponements are extremely stressful for both Sir Steve and I.  And I don't understand why the judge can't rule on custody and guardianship and rule that the supervised visits remain in place until CAS is finished their investigation.   The supervised visits is just a very small part of this court case....... (le sigh)

So off to court we go -- knowing full well it will be postponed yet again.

Merry Go Round

From foggy glasses to merry go rounds -- 

CAS (youth protection) came to visit the other day.  Not because of us -- but because there is a judgement against the mother..... she can only have supervised visits (supervised by her parents)

When he got around to visiting with the lil one in her room -- the surprise in his voice when he saw the pictures on the walls and the toys was obvious.  It was obvious that he had been fed a line by the mother.... poor lil child -- wicked step mother and father -- getting rid of all her toys and pictures (memories) of her mother.  Yeah well there is a whole huge collage on her wall of her mother and grandparents with her!!  The walls are filled with pictures given to her by her mother ...........AND her room is full of toys.  

This CAS worker asked a million questions -- I gave him the documentation from last summer -- and pointed out that as some people rely on innuendos -- the documentation he had in his hands could be verified by witnesses!  (see my small stamp of my foot)

He diplomatically and politely -- directly and indirectly -- kept trying to get us to agree to unsupervised visits.  He asked Sir Steve what worried him most about this....... Sir Steve said he was worried mother would leave the country with the lil one.  The 'brilliant' CAS worker suggested we get a court order that would not allow her to take the child out of the country -- I pointed out to him quite firmly that it was a law !  for god's sakes!! and we didn't need a court order -- AND he knew as well as we did that children were still being abducted by parents and guardians and taken out of the country -- dear god -- don't waste your breath and time trying to sweep that under the rug !!

He ran on at the mouth about how mother could very well have improved her parenting skills........... I pointed out there was no way we could know that for a fact -- anymore than she could know if there were pictures and toys in the lil one's room!

He ran on at the mouth about improving communication between father and mother -- ignoring the fact that mother has all but shut down communications.  

He ran on at the mouth about this all being about the lil one....... really??? REALLY??!!  us worrying about her safety is not about the lil one???!!!

And I kept getting this image -- it was foggy and I couldn't see it clearly........ it was really bothering me -- I knew it was there -- just over there........ but what WAS it??

This judgement was supposed to be reviewed and settled within a year -- it is now 18 months.  My gut tells me this case has been put in his pile of cases and he's been told to get it closed.

My gut tells me closed really means lifting the supervised visits.  Otherwise every year it will have to be reviewed again -- sort of like parole cases ya know........ and every year we are gonna have to fight to keep the judgement.

AND in my gut I think there is no point in fighting this judgement -- the only way the court and CAS are gonna see the truth is (god forbid!!)  the lil one is badly hurt.  

And now I am on a merry go round -- flying past the image -- catching glimpses of it -- only glimpses......... and feeling my stomach knot with every whirl past.

The best I can do -- whatever the court and CAS and Sir Steve decide to do -- is teach the lil one her father's cell number -- her campsite number -- her address -- and some street sense....... and do it quickly before the baby bird is pushed out of the safety of the nest to fly.............

It's Just Over there.........

I have been searching and searching for some sort of reason -- some sort of logic -- in all of this......... I feel like it is just there ya know -- right in front of me -- but I can't see it clearly -- it's like looking ahead through dirty foggy glasses......... 

It's frustrating ya know........... 

Sunday Sentiments

The Great White North

After two weeks of frigid temperatures and I do mean FRIGID -- we had a spring thaw for the last two days -- by last evening the snow was all but gone -- we had green grass again -- it was raining and mild!!  But the weather man had said it would change over night -- we'd get snow and more snow..... up to 30 cms (about 11 inches) of the white stuff before this latest winter episode is over.

He didn't lie -- this is what I woke up to this morning.......... 

It's almost pretty -- and it's Saturday so we don't have to slog through it to go anywhere....... the lil one is safely ensconced at her mother's and we have no plans .... so all is good.  

Let it snow let it snow let it snow.

Our court date is this Thursday.  Deep down inside I believe it will just be postponed again.  Yet yesterday Sir Steve got a call from CAS (child protection).  They want to come and visit with the lil one and him this week and sort out mother having the supervised visits lifted. 

It got me thinking..... remembering..... is she really ready to take over supervising the lil one??? Because she lives with her mom and dad -- mostly she is supervised. BUT then I remembered this summer at the campground -- with her parents there -- and how often she had no idea where the lil one was (like the day the lil one was down at the beach unsupervised) or the number of times the mother couldn't get the lil one into a shower -- or when there was the nose bleed incident and they sent for Sir Steve to handle it.   No hats on hot sunny days -- no sun block --- she's careless and I hate to say it but an indifferent mom.  

The icing on the cake for me was when Sir Steve phoned her yesterday to tell her about the trip to Emerg ... about the inhaler and the chamber that must be used every 4 hours.  He asked if she knew how to use them -- she said no but not to worry her mother would do it.  Sir Steve tried to explain to her how to do it -- but in my opinion she probably wasn't listening -- cause 'mommy' will do it.  So how can an indifferent mother be given free visits without supervision??? if something goes wrong it is the lil one who will suffer .....this can't be trial and error.... it scares me just a little ya know? 

But for today we have snow to shovel -- and snuggling to do........ supervised visits and court cases can wait till Monday ............

One thing after another...........

We had a trip to the Emergency room last night.

The lil one has had a miserable cough since the summer..... we would dole out cough syrup and it would clear up -- but it kept coming back.  She was never 'sick' with this cough -- no fever, no runny nose -- healthy full of energy except for the cough.

Over the last 2 weeks the cough has come back.  She has thrown up a couple of times -- but it's only mucus from the cough and once she throws up she improves.

Yesterday was a particularly bad day...... threw up in the morning -- and was still coughing at dinner.  Sir Steve decided it was time to see a doctor.  So we went to Emergency.

I went along -- because truthfully -- it's miserable being alone in the hospital with a sick child -- AND -- staying home wondering what is happening is even worse.

She won over the nursing staff in the triage area....... she got to see the nurse's computer screen tracking her breathing....... she got stickers........ she got moved into the examination room immediately.

She won the doctor over...... she giggled and sang and talked everyone's ear off.  Not exactly the poster child for illness.

We went for chest x-rays. She kept the other patients amused in the waiting room.  I could hear the technician laughing with her in the x-ray room.  She got more stickers.

AND of course -- she barely coughed while we were there.

Within a short 2 hours - the results came back -- her oxygen levels were at 100% -- her chest x-ray was clear.  They prescribed a ventilon pump and sent us home. 

We'll get the final results of the chest x-rays in the next day or two -- but the doctor on staff didn't seem the least bit worried.  She did wonder about allergies though.  When it comes to allergies I am an expert!!! 

She went off to school this morning with her face mask and her hospital bracelet, and can't wait to tell her friends about her hospital adventure.  Then she is off to mom's this afternoon.......... Sir Steve will let mom know by phone today about the pump and the directions for use......... 

And life continues ............ 

Too Much?

Kahil Gibran

We talked last evening -- Sir Steve and I.  He reads my blog nearly every day -- knowing that.... I still wrote what was in my heart yesterday.  I couldn't speak the words -- but they had to be said before my head exploded.

  

This love I have for this man hurts.  I have never experienced such a deep emotion before.

BUT calmer heads /voices prevailed.  Thanks to a much younger woman very dear to my heart who wrote me privately and pointed out logic that had escaped me in the blindness of love.  

Sir Steve needs more time ......... oh he loves me with his whole heart of that I am sure -- but after 2 horrendous break ups -- having his ex wife walk in here a few months ago and walk out with every thing but the kitchen sink -- makes him cautious I think.  

Time will heal his wounds -- and show him my love is so much deeper -- so much more sincere 

And then when the time is right -- when we are both on the same page -- then changes can happen.  

For now I will love him and the lil one with my whole being.  I will bury my needs until that time.......  I will be a 'good submissive' and wait for him to take the lead.......and I will follow gladly and willingly.......for I 'know the pain of too much tenderness - to be wounded by my own understanding of love' 

AND that is ok!

Doubts

I don't even know where I'm going with this entry this morning.

 I feel like Sir Steve is not telling me everything -- I feel like he is 'humoring' me -- between my re-organising the house -- bringing things from my apartment to here to make it feel more like 'my' space too.... example - his oven mitts were old and scruffy looking and even multiple washings didn't help.  So I picked up a pair of brand new oven mitts from my place and brought them here.  They're red.  And I threw his old ones out.  He spotted them in the garbage and gave me a funny look.  I reassured him that I had brought new ones ...... and he kinda laughed when he saw them and said "Red".

OH and his dishes were old ones -- mismatched bits and pieces.  I had a brand new set of white dishes -- dishes I love.  I asked if I could bring them and he said 'sure'.  So they came.  I left the mismatched dishes on the counter and asked what he wanted me to do with them.  He picked them up and put them in the cupboard of the microwave cart ??!!  Made me feel temporary ya know -- like he might need those dishes again. 


And there's the whole sex thing -- 
at the beginning we couldn't keep our hands off each other -- we were learning about each other's bodies -- and what we liked etc.  There has been more than one area in which I do not excel (hell not even close) and we haven't done those things since the first try.  Even when I say I would like to try -- to practice -- to get better -- it doesn't happen.  I feel like I am letting him down somehow -- not as pleasing to him as others have been. I feel selfish because I am SO satisfied sexually!!  He's so good ........ and I feel like I fall short -- very short.

I live here with Sir Steve -- but just around the corner is my lil quirky apartment.  So I don't really live anywhere ya know?? I had 2 years living by myself -- getting over my past relationship.  Sir Steve had a year of being on his own before I moved in -- maybe it was too soon??   I was ready for this relationship -- but maybe he wasn't fully ready?

So I continue to pay for space and services I am not using.  I continue to dream of one house -- one home -- but am sure this isn't the time to bring it up.  Maybe there will never be a time -- maybe limbo is all I deserve?

Simple Declaration

At Christmas dinner -- there were 20 some odd people - family and friends -- seated around the table laughing and talking and feasting.

The lil one was sitting between Sir Steve and I across from a family friend.  I wasn't paying much attention to the conversation going on -- too much talking just becomes 'noise' in my head and I have learned to shut it out.  But then the family friend brought me back to the here and now.  Apparently she had asked the lil one where she was sleeping.  She explained that she was sleeping on a mattress in the bedroom downstairs.... and that her 'parents' were sleeping in the bed beside her.

"Parents" ...... a simple declaration of who we are..... we are "Parents".

Obviously it is not confusing to her..... the simple logic of a 5 year old.  Mom lives with grandma -- Daddy lives with "S" ....... they are all my parents........ and I love them all.

Somewhere between childhood and adulthood we lose the capacity to love purely -- to accept trustingly -- to just be happy.  

I wish all parties involved in this custody battle (more like war) could just accept we are all 'parents' to this lil one -- that we all love her unconditionally -- that we should all work together for the best for her.  It has become a power play (more on one side than the other admittedly) but I think we have all forgotten what we are fighting over.... a little girl who loves us all equally -- trusts us all openly -- and is quite accustomed to sharing us all.  

This morning I was remembering a favourite book I read many many years ago...... and the message it contained....... life would be so much easier if we followed the following rules.... 

from "All I Really Need to Know I learned in Kindergarten"

by Robert Fulgham

Cutting the Lines of Communication

We were very busy over the Christmas week - no time for the internet for Facebook or messenger. 

Sir Steve was to drop the lil one off at the mother's last Friday on our way home from Ottawa.  They all knew we were away on a lil holiday.  BUT that has never stopped them..... on the Thursday evening, the Aunt contacted Sir Steve -- questions about getting bike helmets for the lil one before Friday afternoon -- questions about what time we would be arriving - loads of questions!  I was frustrated because geeez ya know -- we were on a lil holiday couldn't it wait??!!!

When we arrived home on the Friday (after dropping the lil one off at mother's)  - Sir Steve went on line and discovered his ex wife had blocked him on Facebook AND messenger.  Messenger was the one and only way they communicated (she doesn't have a cell phone).

I couldn't believe it!!!  WHY in god's name would you block / cut communications completely with the father of your child?? with the man who has temporary full custody??? especially when you want custody of your child...... especially when you are trying to convince the courts / CAS (youth protection) that you are a responsible mother...... why?

AND I'll admit it -- for a couple of days I was worried what they had planned...... were they gonna try to leave the country and go to the Mother's boyfriend in the States.  I know I know totally illogical -- but to cut all communications is a bit drastic..... and skewered ya know?!

Anyway -- Sir Steve went and picked up the lil one last night.... and she is home safe and sound with us.  She was full of talk about grandma going away and mommy is going away again to visit her boyfriend.  We have no information when these trips will happen.  We have to be ready at a moment's notice to keep the lil one with us..... so no making any long range plans for us.    THAT really bugs me ya know -- we have to always be on call --  never once do we have a chance to be spontaneous just in case ya know.  But Mom -- well not so much.

We go to court in 10 days....... supposedly.  (the date's been changed twice already -- never mind the postponement the last time) And yet I don't know what I think the court will be able to do to fix this bloody drama that is a constant ...... a given!

I am so very tired of it all.

Sunday Sentiments

Thankful for.........

Over on 'A Place to Share' Terpsichore posted a New Year's meme.  I don't normally do memes .... but this one seemed appropriate for this time in my life........ 

1.... What did you accomplish this year that you are most proud of?
I moved.  I ignored all the voices screaming in my head -- I tried not to think what my parents would say about this move...I moved from a high rise in a big city to a quirky lil apartment in a much smaller city on probably what is the wrong side of the tracks..... but I love my quirky lil apartment .... I love the characters I have met ....I feel more at home here then all the other upscale places I have lived ......... and the most interesting result of the move -- no bolt of lightening came out of the sky to strike me dead -- I am still the same person I always was - in fact - if anything -- I am more honestly ME now -- more authentic then all the years I spent living up to expectations that had been drilled into my head from birth.
 
2.... What was the biggest thing you learned this year?
That I am capable of making decisions for myself - decisions that benefit me - and that I can be happy with my decisions.

 
3.... What challenges did you face this year - health, home, work?
The only challenge - truthfully - is the stress from this custody issue/issues with the mother over the lil one -- and the nastiness and drama that emanates from that family

4.... What was an unexpected joy this past year?  an unexpected obstacle?
No surprise here -- unexpected joy was Sir Steve contacting me again after 10 years
And the obstacle -- truthfully I can't think of one obstacle to my new life with Sir Steve - well not an obstacle worth worrying about.

5.... Pick 3 words to describe this past year
stressful, exciting, loving
 
6.... What are you most grateful for this past year?
for waking up every day knowing Sir Steve is in my life -- for the joy that brings me.

Hopes Goals Dreams Intentions for the New Year

7.... Is there any unfinished business from this past year that you hope to accomplish this year?
Honestly can't think of anything that needs to be done ....... 
 

8....What do you wish you had done more of this past year? Less? Will you try to make changes this year?
I wish I had trusted more ....... trusted myself.... trusted Sir Steve... trusted my instincts
as for less -- I wish I had stressed less ....... wish I had not had as many 'knee jerk' reactions to situations I had no control over.... like the ex family or my ex 'W'.... I let them continue to push my buttons -- tried to continually explain myself..... (shaking head) useless waste of time.
Changes -- that's easy -- trying harder to control my anxiety/stress levels and definitely not letting myself have 'knee jerk' reactions over things I can not change. 
 

9....What is one new skill you want to learn/practice this year that will bring enjoyment to your life?
I would love to get back to my photography -- again.  Maybe even purchase a decent photo editing program.
 

10... What is one intention you have this year to improve your health and well-being?
Definitely getting my ass back to the gym -- and back to walking every day....... I have become wayyyyy too lazy!
 

11... What one thing will you do this year to improve your life -- whether working on your own personal growth, improving your marriage or other significant relationships, or improving your work life?
This one sounds (to me) like a repeat of #10 -- back to the gym - back to walking - back to photography -- all of those things tend to keep me focused and lowers my stress levels and anxiety.  

12... What is your hope for others in the new year?
 I am not sure who "others" are meant to be -- sounds like a Miss America question -- but for those in my life (willingly or not - grinning) I do honestly hope they can find contentment in their life choices......

13... What are three words that express your hopes for the new year?
love, security, health.