Doubts

I don't even know where I'm going with this entry this morning.

 I feel like Sir Steve is not telling me everything -- I feel like he is 'humoring' me -- between my re-organising the house -- bringing things from my apartment to here to make it feel more like 'my' space too.... example - his oven mitts were old and scruffy looking and even multiple washings didn't help.  So I picked up a pair of brand new oven mitts from my place and brought them here.  They're red.  And I threw his old ones out.  He spotted them in the garbage and gave me a funny look.  I reassured him that I had brought new ones ...... and he kinda laughed when he saw them and said "Red".

OH and his dishes were old ones -- mismatched bits and pieces.  I had a brand new set of white dishes -- dishes I love.  I asked if I could bring them and he said 'sure'.  So they came.  I left the mismatched dishes on the counter and asked what he wanted me to do with them.  He picked them up and put them in the cupboard of the microwave cart ??!!  Made me feel temporary ya know -- like he might need those dishes again. 


And there's the whole sex thing -- 
at the beginning we couldn't keep our hands off each other -- we were learning about each other's bodies -- and what we liked etc.  There has been more than one area in which I do not excel (hell not even close) and we haven't done those things since the first try.  Even when I say I would like to try -- to practice -- to get better -- it doesn't happen.  I feel like I am letting him down somehow -- not as pleasing to him as others have been. I feel selfish because I am SO satisfied sexually!!  He's so good ........ and I feel like I fall short -- very short.

I live here with Sir Steve -- but just around the corner is my lil quirky apartment.  So I don't really live anywhere ya know?? I had 2 years living by myself -- getting over my past relationship.  Sir Steve had a year of being on his own before I moved in -- maybe it was too soon??   I was ready for this relationship -- but maybe he wasn't fully ready?

So I continue to pay for space and services I am not using.  I continue to dream of one house -- one home -- but am sure this isn't the time to bring it up.  Maybe there will never be a time -- maybe limbo is all I deserve?