Good Old Days

My post from Saturday "Great Expectations" has had me reminiscing about the good old days......... play parties every weekend -- munches 2 or 3 times a month -- private house parties -- old guard/new guard...... slave/sub.

Those were truly the 'good old days'......... 

(now please note -- from this point on this is ONLY my opinion....my experience .. in hind sight -- and your mileage may vary)

BUT were they really the good old days??!!  OR were they days of brain washing -- and humiliation -- and mental and yes even physical abuse??? 

OH don't get me wrong -- I fully and totally consented to every single thing that happened to me......... I wanted to belong to this 'community'.  I wanted to be in the "in crowd".  And we were for the most part .......... and I think mostly because I was a masochist and could take just about anything that was thrown at me.

I remember when the latex folks and the rubber folks started showing up at play parties....... oh how the leather folks complained and made fun of them.... put them down... called them the new "S/M" crowd (stand and model) I was just as bad.. I said it too many times.  But now when I look at 'us' -- the doms dressed in their leathers...toting floggers and whips and paddles...... the subs semi dressed in corsets and thongs .. knee high boots... and thigh high stockings -- usually with chains around their necks and sometimes with leashes attached... prancing around behind their Doms -- weren't we dressing up too??? weren't we modeling too??? None of us would go out in the 'real' world dressed like that -- and prance around.

A lot of things were done to subs by doms who really had no training.. who watched a few scenes -- maybe even took a few classes by self taught 'experts' ....... I have the scars to prove that this is more 'Risk Aware Shit Happens' -- than it is 'Safe Sane and Consensual'.  I have permanent nerve damage to the baby finger on my left hand complete with an inoperable cyst due to bondage gone wrong....... I have an "L" shaped scar on my ass from a whip session that went very wrong .... I have a mark on my left breast from a needle session that went even more wrong.

AND my mind -- you can't see the scars or the damage -- but they're there...... healing now... thanks to the care of Sir Steve... but nevertheless ...... bad shit happened to my head..... 
it was ok to kick my legs apart and take me -- a wham bang thank you ma'am sort of thing - with toys mostly and fingers.... no tenderness -- no loving in those touches -- mostly humiliation -- humiliated that I thought I was only good enough for that form of sex/loving.... (never any gentle caresses -- or snuggling -- or cuddling and giggling together)

Over the years of being taken and being used -- I came to believe that was all I was good for......... 
Over the years I came to believe I wasn't a good sub.... hell it was announced at a munch to anyone who would listen.......I began to chastise myself ...self talk that might have landed me up in the "looney bin" if I hadn't had a handful of good people who worried about me and watched over me (from afar).  IF I hadn't found a therapist who was BDSM friendly.  IF my friends hadn't finally held an intervention and got me to move out of the shadow world -- and into reality.  

So now I ask myself -- were those really the 'good old days'??? Is that what I really want to go back to

OR

is my new reality healthy and happier??
There are still the whips and floggers and paddles and knives..... but done with true love -- to fill the need of the masochist and the Sadist -- not to show off for others -- but just for us -- out of love.
I am beginning to learn that it is OK to speak what is in my head with no fear of recriminations  ... and that humiliation has no place in a loving relationship.
AND I am learning that making love is a union of two people with deep abiding respect for each other and for themselves. 

Life is good when you realize that the 'good old days' are really today -- really NOW!