Choices

When LLF and I pushed the reset button -- there were so many things I realized I didn't know about him -- intimate details in a way -- things a good friend wouldn't necessarily know.

I plagued him with questions when we chatted....... 

"I guess you prefer dresses right?"
"I am sure you prefer long hair to short hair right?"
"which side of the bed?"

oh the list was endless.......... and the answers very frustrating.... he kept saying 'whatever you prefer'.  What did that mean?? I was so confused.

I would tell him and his answer was always "What's my name?" sometimes I would grind my teeth -- I needed direction ya know? -- I needed to please him - but how could I please him if he wouldn't tell me what pleased him???!!

His reply was simple -- 'if it pleases you -- then it pleases me'

He is unlike any man I have ever met -- Dom or vanilla.  And the thing is -- he means it!   He just wants me to be happy.

Yesterday I had a hairdresser appointment.  For the last 8 months I have been growing my hair out.  AND I hated it .... I hated how it looked .. I hated how I thought it made ME look.

I wanted to cut it -- had made up my mind to have it cut short and perky ...... I even told the hairdresser that.... 

I was sitting in the chair waiting for her to come and start cutting -- and I got cold feet.  ok ok -- I panicked a little bit.  I wanted to text LLF and ask if he minded if I cut it.  I didn't cause he was working and I knew he wouldn't answer me quick enough.  (and truthfully I knew what his answer would be)

The hairdresser picked up the scissors and started cutting.. I shut my eyes.  I kept thinking 'god what am I doing??!!' 

When she had finished and I put my glasses back on -- I really liked the face that was looking back at me...... but I wondered if LLF would like it...... what if he hated it?? what if he really preferred long hair??? 

When I got home I took a selfie and posted it on Facebook just as LLF came on to chat.  I held my breath........ 

and then there it was -- his opinion
"beautiful" 
and then 
"it looks amazing!"

and I started breathing again and my heart stopped pounding.

For so many years I have lived my life trying so hard to please someone else.... and mostly failing.  It's a strange feeling to be making choices based on what I want -- what pleases me.... without LLF I would probably have never learned that I am more than capable of making the right choices for me....... 

He's an amazing teacher ya know!