Monday, February 13, 2017

Night Terrors

I have had night terrors since I was 4 years old.  Monsters who hid in the cupboard or slithered out from under my bed and would drive me from my bed.

They got worse as I got older.... one particularly bad one had me trying to climb out the bedroom window ... my dear husband had to wrestle me back into the bedroom and try and calm me.  

My night terrors have ebbed and flowed with my life.  Sometimes I hardly notice them - other times they drive me from my bed -- making me turn on all the lights in the house -- turn on the TV -- and sit huddled on the sofa till the 'realness' of the terror passes.

I have been on medication for the last 10+ years to help keep my night terrors at bay.  My fitbit tracks them...... I can tell in the morning when I have had a bad night -- the spikes on my sleep chart are undeniable.

For the last year I have watched the spikes get higher and more frequent.  The doctor wanted to be pro-active and prescribe a new med to keep them at bay.  But I am a stubborn bitch and refused.  Night terrors are (in my case) memories of things that happened to the inner me... the me I keep hidden even from myself sometimes.

Night terrors for me are my sub conscious talking to my semi- conscious mind.  I want to know -- no I NEED to know - what still haunts me.  

On Saturday night -- after a perfectly lovely day with friends and homemade onion soup -- and laughter and chatting I had a bad one.  People had taken my apartment -- I couldn't get in to my safe place -- I couldn't get in!  I was running through the hallways of the building trying to find the supers to help me...... It was very real.

I woke up and found myself at the door trying to open it. (thankfully for some reason I can not open locks when I am in the middle of a terror).  

It was a terrible shock to my system -- in so many ways.  I walked around the apartment reassuring myself it was mine ... all my things were here... there were no strangers living in my safe space.  I turned on all the lights and turned the TV on.  I pulled a blanket around me and sat and shivered and cried.  

In the morning LLF called me -- he talked to me about all the good things that are coming -- he promised me a future....... he talked -- I listened and cried -- and started to feel the peace come back to my soul.  My happy bubble ....  I am so scared it will pop...... ya know?  

This song was playing after I hung up from LLF ... it gave me hope that the future will bring me comfort in the arms of my 'angel'.

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