Scared

Every evening this week - when W would ask how I was - my answer has been "so tired - so very tired".  And this exhaustion hasn't just been this week - it has been growing for weeks and weeks now............ and it scares me. 

There is nothing physically wrong with me - I know why I am tired - I have been here before.  The future looms ahead of me with more questions than answers - I want guarantees.... I want to know I am going to be OK.  But no one can answer those questions for me... 

I am like the little kid on the diving board - staring down into the blue water below me - not knowing if I will be ok if I take that final step off the board - take the step over the edge.  Will I sink to the bottom - or will I float??? (forget swim - I can't even wrap my mind around the fact I might just be able to swim!)

And the problem stems from - I want to retire.  I always said I would know when I was ready - and I am oh so ready........ now.  

But I never found time or the finances - to put money away for this day.  I always joked I would work till they carried me out feet first.  

Working is safe.  I know exactly how much money is coming in every month - I know I can pay my bills .... I know I can take care of myself.  

But retirement??? not so much.  I have worked and re-worked the budget every which way ..... trying to find a way to retire and pay my bills - cutting every single minute frivolous thing out - trying to make it work.  And for now - it doesn't......... work that is.

Maybe if I didn't have a mortgage - didn't have condo fees (extraordinarily high condo fees I might add - almost as much as my mortgage high) 

But I DO have a mortgage and high condo fees - and there is nothing to do about it.  That is the way it is.

I have to find a way of reconciling that I am not going to be able to retire now...... maybe not for a good many years.......... maybe It would be better if I put my energies into finding a way to cope with long days - and kids that tear my heart out - and systems that make no sense - and muddle along earning good money (yeah yeah I know I am lucky to have a job that pays good money!!) until I gain the courage to stop being scared and take that step off the diving board - and see if I can at least float ..... and maybe even swim.  


A life preserver would be nice..............

T.P.E. thoughts

First thing I must do this morning is thank everyone who has taken time to comment on my blog these last couple of days.  You have no idea how much your words have touched me - given me food for thought ............. and yes even brought up a couple more questions.... (but then as W says I always have a couple more questions!!)

I think the best advise was to take it slow - let things develop and evolve and twist and change.......... until the fit is right for US.  I realized so much of what we have tried to create - tried to do - has been influenced by people around us - or things we read on the net - or fantasy.  I am thinking the best way to start anything new is to find out what works best for US.

Now the last  question........ (for now)

if you have no money of your own - no bank account - how do you buy presents for your Master???? I want to buy presents - little surprises - without him paying for them - or having to ask permission - I want to be able to SURPRISE him every once in a while - that is a HUGE part of who I am.........so how does one do that??????? See using his money doesn't work for me....... cause then He is paying for His own gift...... nope doesn't work for me at all.......  


I honestly think the rest of the issues we can sort out ......... especially after I retire - a lot of my needs now are a result of working 7 - 10 hours a day ......... I think that once there is no work - no work schedule - no work stress - my entire outlook will change drastically......... 


Again I want to thank you amazing people for "talking to me" ....... "sharing with me" .. showing me that even the impossible can be possible in the right circumstances....with the right amount of compromise .. dialogue... and love.

Intimate Question about TPE

I think of all the questions I have about TPE the most intimate (invasive) question I have is finances............. 

In my mind in a TPE relationship - the submissive would own nothing......... not a house .. not a car... not a bank account... nothing........ everything would be turned over to her Master.  

In and of itself - I have no problem with that.  Master (the man you love and trust) will take care of all your needs.   BUT what happens if he doesn't??? What happens if after a number of years off the grid so to speak - you no longer have a credit rating ?  Or credit cards to get a credit rating back - or money to pay off those credit cards??? What happens if something dramatic and traumatic happens and your Master is no longer there for you???? 

What happens to you - the submissive - financially (never mind emotionally) ??? Where do you live ?? The house isn't yours?? How do you pay for things?? The bank account isn't yours?? 

These are very real - very frightening concerns for me .............. 

Any reassuring words?? Any frightening truths??? 

T.P.E. - edited

I just want to say I am leaving  this up for another day or so.... to catch any stragglers to the conversation.  I want to thank those of you who commented - and gave me food for thought........ and more questions....... I think I will post my follow up questions and see if any of you would be kind enough to answer them for me.... 
(definitely liking this role reversal - my readers opening my eyes and teaching me 'stuff') 

Someone asked me over the weekend about T.P.E. - Total Power Exchange.  

I know what it means - I even sort of know what it "looks like" ............ but my big stumbling block is - CAN it work??? 

Oh I am sure it can work for a short period ......... but for years??? 
Does the submissive/slave become a total and complete doormat........... with no thoughts of her own.. no desires......... no needs ... no wants??? 

Can it work if the submissive has a job/profession??? Can it work if Dom/sub don't live together 24/7?? 


You folks come here day after day .. week after week - reading my opinions on stuff.... some of you (god forbid) might even take my word as gospel...........

It's pay back time.  Yeah it is ........ time to pay the piper ............ time to give back...... time to open up (especially ALL you lurkers - yes you!!) to step forward - step up and help me out here.......... 

What do you know about TPE??? 

Are you in a TPE relationship?? Have you ever been in one??? Why didn't it last?? 

In your opinion does the submissive become a mindless drone???? a doormat?? a robot??? 

What do you have to say on the subject??? 

Eldest Grandson

Last weekend my eldest grandson turned 11.  For the past two birthdays I had given him money PLUS an IOU for a day out shopping with grandma.  Last year as we were on the highway bombing into town he - nonchalantly - announced that he hated shopping!!!  OOOOPS.... 

About a month before this year's birthday my daughter told me that eldest grandson had mentioned he was really hoping grandma would give him money and another day out together.  WTF??? 

So last weekend when he opened my birthday present (a wallet with his birthday money tucked inside) he asked if we could go out this Sunday.  How could I say no??? For me these birthday shopping days are very special - just us - no brothers or parents or miscellaneous family to colour our visit.

I picked him up around 11:30 and we headed off for our day.  He picked a "grown up" restaurant - no McDonald's or Burger King.  This restaurant has brown paper over the table cloth and crayons on every table.  We had a blast drawing on each other's side of the table ... laughing and chatting.... and I realized he is growing into quite an interesting young man.  We talked about school and his stubbornness about doing school work.. We chatted about his video games ( I need a translator for that one) .. and in a round about way - an 11 year old way - he told me how much he loves his extended family and loves visiting with us.  (you'd never know it when you're there visiting - hardly see him - but still it makes an impression obviously)

After a rousing rendition of "Happy Birthday" sung by the wait staff we headed off to find some new video games.  Boy has he grown up...... we hit 3 different stores pricing games and accessories.  It gave me a good opportunity to teach him (and the sales people) how to pay for something and  count your change - file your receipt etc.

The last store we were in - I got a little testy with the salesperson who refused to acknowledge eldest grandson - asking me if it was cash or charge... even though grandson was standing at the cash with the game and a gift card.  I pointed out to the salesperson that *I* was not the customer...... after two false starts I finally pointed to my grandson and said "he's your customer!!  Kindly address HIM!!"  You'd think in this day and age salespeople would be a little more savvy about serving younger customers. 

Home we went - eldest grandson very happy - he had 2 new games AND still had money left over!!!  Once home I got a quick hug and a kiss and a mumbled thank you and he disappeared into the bowels of the house to play his new games.  But I had a huge smile on my mug and a warm feeling in my heart... we'd had an excellent day together .... and it was as much a present for me as for it was for him.

OCD

I haven't been around The Journey for the last few days cause........... well ....... because I had nothing to say......... and I had a messy untidy house. 

Yesterday I buckled down and cleaned and cleaned and did laundry till I almost ran out of hot water.  

I'm a little OCD over the house - I admit it.  

But I was thinking last night while I was sitting in my clean sparkling house.... cleaning can waste a lot of time that could be spent having fun.  W went off with a friend yesterday for some Dim Sum at lunch - I could have gone - I didn't go. In fact I didn't see W at all yesterday......... and won't see him today either cause today is Grandma and grandson day.

As I was rinsing the tiled hallway (for the 3rd time - cause I couldn't get the streaks out) I thought how much easier it would all be IF I was retired AND IF W and I lived together......... 

But I am not retired and W and I don't live together (yet) ............ so I will continue to have bouts of OCD over the house, and waste precious time I could have spent with W.

I guess my Sunday Sentiments today are 
"Cleanliness is next to Godliness" 
which my grandmother used to say on a regular basis..........guess it worked Grandma
 

Standards

Let's see if you can follow the bouncing subbie ball this morning........... 

Yesterday's realization that my sex drive is returning to normal (FINALLY!!)  has gotten me to thinking about a whole mess of things along the lines of sex and sexuality.  

I had a little masturbation session yesterday - and OH MY GOD !!  it felt amazing....... it has been so long since I pulled the hitachi and the dildo out and had some "private" time.  However - after the fact - I couldn't help thinking how much better it would have all been - if there had been pain mixed in to the mix of vibrators and dildos.

And then the usual "what the hell is wrong with me" floated through my mind - what makes sex so much more fulfilling - thrilling - and fun when it is combined with some extreme pain??? I wondered about the crossed wiring that must twist and turn through my body.......... how weird is that?? Why is pain foreplay for me when others prefer snuggling and candles and chocolate and whispered sweet nothings???

And then I had a mini fantasy of having to hold a dildo in me while being flogged - and if it accidentally fell out - feeling it thrust back in - rather roughly - and strong harsh words whispered in my ear...... and the pain continuing ............ 

And then I circled 'round to the reality of that play scenario - and realized it wouldn't happen at a club - publicly - because ................ I have standards.  Pure and simple - standards.  


Back in the day when I first started attending public play parties - genitals HAD to be covered.  Insertions in any orifice were most certainly banned.  Now of course you can see (at any public event) subbies running around stark naked (without even a towel to sit on - ewwwwwwww) Never mind the blatant open fucking that happens, or blow jobs, or any other form of sexual interactions.  


I would love to engage..... those urges happen most often when I am being beaten and my insides are twitching and craving .......... and I am having one small orgasm after another just from the pain.......... but the body needs/wants/craves a MAJOR earth shattering one - that can only be found with a dildo or W's creative 'fucking' hand. 


But I never go there........ never need/crave/twitch enough to beg for that release...... because I have standards.  Because in my mind - those who do - are wanton women (to quote my grandmother ) or sluts (to quote my mom) and I am neither ............. 


I am just a subbie with needs ......... and standards......... and this weird crossed wiring that makes pain foreplay.

Mating Season

I have been silently stewing over these few months......... everything had changed (since I was sick last year) ...... everything !!!

I can't eat most foods - i am fighting the weight again (hard not to when the only thing I can eat with any safety are carbs and chicken) ........ I am listless and mostly disinterested in everything........ and i do mean EVERYTHING! from pain and play and sex to going out for an evening.  

I had reached the point of saying "this is my new normal" and have been trying to adjust to it.

Then this week....... I started to notice a slow stirring in my loins (ain't that poetic??!! the term I mean!!) And today driving to work with the car windows open I realized I was smelling the earth - that musky rich smell that comes every spring.  The smell that has for most of my life stirred my loins and made me - ok forgive the language - a horny bitch.  

Last spring I was just too sick to notice the smells or for them to have any affect on my body or mind.  

This spring - 'praise the Lord and pass the ammunition' - everything is stirring and getting good and hot and anxious.  

So yeah - hear me roar ............. 'YEAH BABY!'  Life is truly returning to normal !!! 

Watered Down???

For many reasons I have been re-evaluating my position on BDSM.  Ok Ok I lie - not BDSM perhaps - but my place in it.  Ok Ok I lie again - not MY place in it perhaps - I've always known MY place - but where I fit now !!

Two weeks ago there was our favourite play party ......... and we didn't go.  We went to Kingston instead.  And I didn't miss the party one little bit - W and I did discuss (in a silly sort of way ) that if we left at that exact moment - we could be back in town in time to attend the party........... but I had no desire to go.  (and it had nothing to do with the rush to return to town or anything like that) I just didn't want to go 

This morning the host of the party posted on FL his 'thank you' to his guests - and he always posts the final attendance numbers with his thank you's.  There were 184 people at the party.

I had an instant vision of bodies pushed cramped together - milling about - doing nothing of much interest.  And I had the same knee jerk reaction (at the picture in my head) that I have when I am actually there.......... "BORING"......... and then "Get me outta here"


I think what is bothering me most now - is that the BDSM I know and love is being "watered down".  There are way too many of the new s/m crowd.......... and actually when I think about that s/m crowd isn't so new anymore - we have been writing about them for over 5 years.  They are growing in leaps and bounds and (in my opinion) cluttering up the parties for those of us who are S/m.


I am hearing rumours of parties now being scaled down. Not the numbers no no - but the type of play allowed.  They don't want to scare the newbies - or the s/m crowd.  HUH?? 


I know I have been told that I should have no expectations of playing hard at parties anymore - that I ... We ... have to adapt our play style to suit the people attending.  IF they don't understand the most basic of protocols then we have to be forgiving and understanding.  Not teach them the right way - god forbid !!!  No we MUST change so they will feel welcome and accepted.


One of the main problems I have been having at parties recently - is the total lack of energy ......... It used to be that you would get up to play and you would feel - actually FEEL - the energy coming from the couple beside you playing.  This energy would fill the club - and one could - almost - get high on that energy.  


But no more.  There can be very little energy (if any) if everyone is standing round looking very kinky in their latex and leather and doing nothing more than standing there talking.  


The clubs used to be set up with very defined play spaces - and very defined social spaces - and the two NEVER met!!!  IF / WHEN you stepped into the play space - you were in A play only area - you were safe to whip and flog and needle and knife to your heart's content - without fear of being interrupted - or distracted - or told to stop cause someone found it too hard to watch.


I remember once - a long longggggggg time ago - watching a scene (or trying to) where 2 Doms were working over a young submissive - she was weeping and crying and pleading for mercy.  40 People at least stood around and watched - I found it disturbing - I kept telling myself the sub could stop the scene and she wasn't cause she was enjoying it - but it didn't help.  I WAS the newbie......... I turned and left the room and returned only after it was done........ to see her laughing and cuddling with the 2 Doms happy as a pig in shit.  


I have seen many scenes over my life time in the community that had me wanting to turn away - but I never once expected the scene to stop because I had never seen anything like it before and it scared the shit out of me.  I sucked it up - or took responsibility for MYSELF and walked away. 


Unfortunately in my opinion - BDSM is being watered down - to suit the styles of a large number of folk who will NEVER up the ante - never want or need or desire to play hard and fast.  They want to be the one who wears the most daring latex - or the tightest leathers - or the most wanton bit of material ............... 


We true S and m'ers are being washed away in the flood of fashion.............. and I say - More's the pity.

 

Any time

 

There is something very special going on in our relationship.  Now there is no time limit on when we play.... no need to be at a party - or do it after dinner.... or skip it all together if we have something else going on........... 

No .. now .. whenever W feels like it - we are playing.  

Like this weekend.. 

I figured we wouldn't have time to play this weekend - we had a munch on Saturday evening.. and Sunday I had eldest grandson's birthday party to go to.......... 

BUT ... W arrived with the toy bag - and shortly after he arrived he told me to get the bag and "drop 'em"....... it was mid afternoon... and we played - and it was wonderful.. I didn't feel as though it was being squeezed in.. I didn't feel as though it was being done for me..  it was play time.. and it was good - no better than good - it was near perfect!!!  

YAY!!! for spontaneous free play times......... I could get used to this! 

Good Advice

Is it possible?

I have reached an 'age' - the one where you start seriously thinking about retirement.  

Oh they tell you you should think about it in your 20's and 30's... but I didn't.  I sure as hell didn't.  I was too busy raising my kids - starting a career - then starting out on my own.  

I have always joked that I would be working till I was 100.......... it was funny when I was in my 40's and 50's.  Now - not so much.

 I read - somewhere on the net - that one should have 1,000,000$ saved for your retirement.  Yeah you read that right ..... ONE MILLION dollars.  I am not even close.

I have been crunching numbers.  I have signed up for a workshop on retirement (at work).  I have been juggling figures till my brain hurts.

It's all gonna work out though....... because I have W... and W has me... and we have plans.  Oh we don't have the hen that laid the golden egg.. we don't even have a golden egg.  BUT we have each other.. and together is the best place to be.

Overwhelmed - BUT - in a good way

I think I told you all about our theme this year at school?? Around the world in 180 days???   

Well we are now in Africa.  And I got this bright idea to create a "jungle" in our room.  First I drew a 'jungle' .....then I put it on the overhead and blew it up to HUGE proportions .. (that took 3 hours) then I did it all again so we would have identical 'jungles' on the doors.  (Then - just for the record I created 4 more HUGE jungles for the younger children to paint - mostly from Jungle book) 

This week we started painting the jungle doors.  It took 3 days to complete the first one.. 

The older kids had a ball creating different shades of green by dabbing the paint brush in green then picking up some brown ... or yellow.. or white.. or black .. and painting their section of the jungle.  

The finished product....................

Now they are working on the second one... 

AND other kids are working on snakes and monkeys and birds to add some interest to our jungle.

The younger kids are busy painting their murals - and themselves - and the floor - and ME.  I'll post pictures of their efforts when everything is up.. and jungly.

It is a little overwhelming keeping all the paint flowing and the questions answered... but oh what fun we're having !!!

Overwhelming

I have a little girl - we'll call her Waif - who came to me in January.  Her father was very clear about where she came from - and how he didn't want her. 

She was brought to his office one day just before Christmas - by her mother - with all her worldly belongings.  Her mother told the father she had raised her for 10 years and now she was done.  HE could take over.  He told me he never wanted "kids".... he had no intention of having any responsibility for her.. she could live at his place - eat and sleep there - but that was where his responsibility ended.  (for the record here - all of this was stated in front of Waif)

So she has become our responsibility for the last 2 1/2 months.  We make sure her homework is done - we are teaching her some manners and proper behaviours for a little 10 year old girl.  We are fighting an uphill battle.

In the last 2 1/2 months - 

I have seen this child hanging around the corner at 6 in the evening in very inappropriate clothing - wiggling her ass and being very coy with any and all males that pass by.

I have caught this child pressing up against boys in the school - it is rumoured that she has been seen kissing some of my older boys behind the school.

I have bitten my tongue more than once - reminding myself that Waif has no respect for adults - and has been given no reason to respect them or trust them.

From time to time - rarely and very briefly - I get a glimpse of the frightened child hiding inside Waif.  She doesn't let it show often - but the child is there - hidden away - and I fear - disappearing fast.

Father rarely if ever picks her up...... usually it is an older sister (I won't even go there talking about her!!)  But every once in a while he shows up - talking on his cell - being/acting like "Mr. Cool"... and god's gift to the female species.... a 50 year old gift!!!

In the last 4 weeks - Waif has been left with us way past closing time - some nights as long as 30 minutes past closing time.  Father told me 2 weeks ago that he had fallen and broken his ribs..... and added with a chuckle - that would teach him to get piss drunk.  Waif told me that he got drunk and got into a fight and broke his ribs.


I am losing the battle with / for Waif.  And yeah it breaks my heart.  I know .. I DO know.. I can't win / save them all............ but it always hurts when one is slipping away.  Yesterday I met with my principal - DYP (department of youth protection) has been called ...... AND ........ if father doesn't pick up on time - we have the right to call the police and tell them she has been left.  He never picks up his cell - and the mail box is full.  


Sometimes it is just overwhelming what some people do to innocent children.

Leather

If you have read here for any length of time - you will have seen the above flag before.  For those of you who are new (or newbies) that is the Leather Pride flag.  

There has been a lot of discussion recently - everywhere - about Leather and the history and what is happening to the Leather community - is it in it's death throes - is it dead - or is it changing??? 

There was some discussion about having to join the leather community ........ and that confused the hell out of me.  

I guess in a lot of ways I am pretty damn naive.  See - in my world the leather community - leather pride - is not a tangible thing..... 

It's not a private club that one has to ask permission to join.

It's not a gay thing

It's not a secret society

It's something in your heart.  

And I don't believe there is a right or wrong way of living leather.  

I don't believe that you have to be initiated into living leather.  

I don't believe you have to earn your leathers.  

I believe it is in your heart.

You have it .. or you don't.   

Daughters

I mentioned in passing that my daughters know about my lifestyle choice.  I am sure there were some raised eyebrows........... especially from those of you who haven't been around here very long.

For those of you who haven't suffered through one of my many posts on my daughters ... they are grown women.  They were grown women when they learned about my lifestyle.

Youngest daughter was the first to find out.  She had moved out on her own.... just down the street from me (we cut the umbilical cord in sections - over time)  She had her own key and used to drop by to do her laundry.  


When W started showing up on Fridays I had to warn her..... the very last thing I wanted was her walking in on W and me playing.  So she was told if there was a station wagon in my parking spot - to ring the bell instead of using her key. Then as time went on.. the basement where she did her laundry started to sprout various bits and pieces of BDSM equipment.... and so the story slowly came out.  I don't remember my exact words - but I do remember I made light of it.. inferred that it was just some kinky sexy stuff... and she didn't ask too many questions.  


One humorous story - one day she was talking about her boyfriend and I was listening .. and all I kept thinking was - she needs a strong male.  So I said as much.... to which she answered "Not all women need strong men Mom - some of us prefer to be the "strong" ones" 

Youngest daughter's attitude towards the lifestyle was/ is a don't ask - don't tell sort of philosophy.  I do know that at her bridal shower one of the gifts she got was a huge box packed full of various kinky toys - from cuffs to floggers.  She looked at me embarrassed - believe it or not. And we both had a fit of the giggles.

Eldest daughter was a completely different story.  She happened to show W a website she liked - and it turned out to be a somewhat kinky site.  W then showed her some other sites - and before I knew it... they were off discussing BDSM - going downstairs to inspect the toys and equipment. 

Eldest daughter is a domme - and is somewhat active in the community.  She has been to public play parties - and more than a few munches.  We have a quiet agreement that we don't play together ( I mean in the same club!!)

At some point in their growing up - there isn't an age that I can pinpoint - just a maturity level - our relationship changed from "mommy and daughters" to Mom and daughter.  They were grown up.. I had taught them all I could and like a mother bird - I stood back and let them spread their wings.  It was what I had worked towards from the day they were born... I accept (or try to accept) their choices and I expect nothing less from them. 

Endings and beginnings...

This weekend was about so much more than munches with new folks - so much more than spankings and loving and bonding....... so much more.

It was a strange 'awakening' really.  

On Saturday W took me to find the graves of my Aunt O, and my parents.   There are no words to describe the emotions that washed over my body standing over Aunty O's grave.. remembering ... in a quick flash ..... her life... her love .. her support.  And then the hunt to find my parents.......... Mom was buried in 1996 - I haven't been back since then....... but somehow my memory steered me .. I knew it was on the North side of the cemetery  -  I remembered my father's casket being carried up a hill - I remembered a big tree sheltering him... us.  And we found it.. found them... buried at the top of the hill under a big tree.......I stood there reading the headstone - over and over and remembering my dad's funeral (for whatever reason I have little or no memory of my mom's.) 

And then we left - drove out the gates and my spirits felt lifted... as though I had faced some fear and stared it down.  

W and I spent a lot of time talking too.  Words were said - feelings/emotions exposed.  And understanding came (to me anyway).

Life IS an adventure.  There are no endings only more beginnings....... and I am excited again.......... to face the new beginnings / challenges.  

Life IS good 

I am happy.  

I AM loved.

Definitely me!

HI!!!

Just popped in to say HI!!!  and say I'm having SO much fun!!!  Will tell you all about it on Monday........... 

off to get my ass whooped............

A rose by any other name???

A few months ago I came to the conclusion I needed a new cell phone,  I was having to plug  mine in every couple of days or so.  But as you all know I hate shopping..... so I put it off.

One of the things that was stopping me from cell phone shopping was....... I only want a phone.  As I told the saleskid on the phone - I have a really nice camera - I have a pc AND a laptop.  What I don't have and need is a cell phone!! (and it bugged me no end that the plain phones - all 2 of them - were more expensive than the smart phones)

So a couple of weeks ago I went to my local cell phone store... discouraged because all I could see were these smart phones.  I don't need or want a damn smart phone.  I want and need a 
P H O N E.  And while I was grumbling under my breath I spotted this little tiny flip phone.......... and it was RED.  My heart went pitter patter.  But for whatever reason I  decided to wait.

Then one night I was watching TV and even more shocking I was watching an ad.  There was this older couple discussing how complicated life was.. he just wanted a plain old fashioned coffee.. not some cafe moka latte.  He noticed his companion holding something and asked about it.  She showed him her new RED cell phone - designed for "people like us" 

Yup that's right.......my lil red flip phone is being marketed for senior citizens!!  (no comments from the peanut gallery) 

Well on Thursday I went cell phone shopping,. 

I stood looking at all the fancy dancy smart phones.  I even picked them up and weighed them in my hand.. looked at all the fancy apps on them.  But my gaze kept going back to the lil red flip phone.

The decision was made......... no smart phones for me. (it also helps that the saleskid on the phone agreed to give me a good deal on a plain phone)  The lil red flip phone was calling my name.  People may stare now when I pull it out - and might even think "senior citizen" but I don't much care,,,,,,, I have a RED cell phone!!

BDSM and relationships.

How has introducing BDSM into your relationship effected it, what things have changed? How has it made it better, and is there anything you find difficult with it in your dynamic?
 (it is interesting for me to see how two different sets of questions from two different people have more or less rounded out "my story") 

Funny thing is I didn't introduce BDSM into my relationship - we introduced vanilla ....... and that's where the problems were.

When W and I were playing just on Friday afternoons........ it was separate from everything else that went on in my life - separate from work - separate from family - separate from everything !!  It was just a handful of hours on a Friday for play time.

Then baby daughter wanted to meet W - wanted to vet him - wanted to make sure he wasn't some monster that was gonna leave me tied up and dead.  (Yes both my daughters know about my choice of lifestyle - we can go into that more on another day if anyone is interested)   Anyway - getting back to the meeting of baby daughter......... W and I went over to the apartment one afternoon and he met her and first born grandson.  We spent a happy afternoon hanging out - and the one thing I remember most from that afternoon was how impressed W was with my grandson and how polite he was (the grandson I mean!!)

And things went back to play on Friday - and our going our separate ways until the next time....... 

Then I don't know... it certainly wasn't supposed to happen - but I fell in love with W.  And to our Friday play times we added once or twice monthly outings to play parties and munches.  And then.......................... I invited him to Christmas Eve dinner.  A vanilla - completely and totally vanilla event.

And slowly but surely more and more vanilla times were spent together....... and the next thing ya know - we were together every single weekend (we live a "few" miles apart and moving in together for now is out of the question) 

BDSM was the predominant part of our relationship.  When we were together there was very little vanilla - we lived (forgive me W) in a fantasy world of sorts - insulated from most of the vanilla world around us.  BDSM slowly crept into my vanilla world - into our vanilla world............... and it really just didn't work.

My family started thinking that W didn't love me because he was "always ordering me around"....... people in the shops were looking at him funny cause he always gave me the bags to carry .... and made a point of announcing it wasn't HIS job it was mine.  (And in this day and age that doesn't go over too well) 

And then......... to make a long complicated story short and sweet ......... it all ended....... in a blink of an eye.  Poof gone... done.  10 years over (I think it was 10 - I'm not very good with dates )

We spent a few months apart - Truthfully I was miserable - missing W like crazy - but still hurt and nursing some gaping wounds.  W was hurt.  It was just awful.

Then we started to mend the broken fences - we dated - like a normal vanilla couple.  Everything we did involved vanilla activities - no BDSM.  We talked and talked and tried to sort out how to fix this very broken relationship.

And that's where you find us today......... in a vanilla relationship - with some BDSM thrown in from time to time.  (maybe the way we should have done it in the first place... but hell - neither of us - back then - were looking for vanilla  - so I am not sure how it could have been different)  We are trying to find a balance between the two worlds.... to "swirl" the vanilla into the BDSM or the BDSM into the vanilla... we are trying to find the right mix that works for both of us.

Just a little History.

Question:

A. How did you get started on the BDSM lifestyle? Was your ex-husband involved too?

B. How did Warren come into your life?

Wow - those questions are ancient history for sure (grinning)

A) I read the Story of O when I was 19 and wished that the fiction I read could be real.

Fast forward a few years - I started reading Adult Message Boards (boy does that date me) and discovered BDSM in real life!!  

From there it was a short hop skip and jump to meeting people in real life at munches / get togethers.  I tried to get my hubbie interested  - but truthfully I believe he was more submissive than I was....... so it didn't work.  He figured it was a "hobby" of mine - weird hobby - but still a hobby... and didn't object to me meeting people - even playing - as long as I came home to him.  

Our marriage was on the rocks long before this venturing out into real life happened.  So again - it was just a short hop skip and a jump to my separating from him and finally divorcing him.  (Anyone who reads here knows he and I are now good friends and celebrate all the high holidays and birthdays together) 

Now as for W coming into my life. .......... I first met him and his then partner at a munch.  I kept bumping into him at munches and the occasional play party.  He made me laugh.. and most of the time I never took him too seriously.  

Then at one munch - he approached me about an off the cuff comment I had made about doing self bondage.  He offered to be my "safe call " .  I thought he was being silly and that was the beginning of my education / entry into bondage.  

We met usually on a Friday afternoon here at the condo for lessons in bondage...... W had never "hit a woman" ...... we both evolved - I learned about bondage and W learned to take pleasure in "hitting a woman" 

Things evolve and change............ and here we are today........ slowly blending our lives .. the BDSM and the vanilla ... and making our own brand of BDSM.  

YES !! and yes !!!

ok.. so this should throw a few readers - two posts in one day!  

BUT ......... i just had to share.......... 

Remember back in the fall when I was learning how to do the damn accounting program??? Remember my fear that I would be audited and get thrown in jail??? (I should learn to keep my bloody mouth shut and not tempt fate) 

Last week I got a call from the Federal Government.  They wanted / needed to do an audit.  

A U D I T !!  Yikes!!

I made it very clear to the auditor that a) I don't do math/accounting b) my past accountant was an asshole - and I only learned that after he left c) I would probably cry.
He was very calm and told me that I shouldn't stress - that it would be ok.  Right and I am gonna believe him??? 

Well he came this morning at 9:00 a.m sharp.  Took forever to get his laptop and files all set up on my desk.  The first thing he asked me for I couldn't find.. anywhere !!!  I panicked.   He calmly kept setting up.  I settled down and found the paperwork.  

Three hours later he packed everything up.  Yes I got hit with an assessment - BUT - he only charged me the minimum penalty .. and minimum interest.  (it's still a chunk of cash - but it could have been much worse) 

The best news was ......... he checked 2011 which I did with my new bookkeeper and it was perfect... dead on!  So now I know I am on track..... He shook my hand - smiled and told me to stop worrying - and left. 

Now the other bit of news I just have to share....... I am SO excited!!  W and I are heading off on a road trip on Friday!!  We're going to Kingston Ontario to spend the weekend.  We will be attending a munch up there....... going to a train show....... and making good use of our hotel room for some play time.  Two whole days!!!  I so needed this.  

It has been one year since I was admitted to the hospital.  One year - hard to believe.  I want to celebrate life and love and health....... and will get to do that in style this weekend.  


So......... this has been thumbs up day !

House Proud

 

Remember March is the month to ask me any questions you might have.  You can leave your questions in the comments - or click the link on the right and email it to me

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I am sure I have mentioned before how I am house proud.  I love my lil house.  And I love it even more as time goes on and I add more and more of my personality to it.  (No no it isn't scattered and helter skelter - shame on you !!)

A couple of years back - just before my daughters got married I had the main bathroom redone.  I thought I was being a bit daring because I didn't want the usual bathroom "stuff" in it.  

So I went shopping for non- bathroom "stuff".  I found a gorgeous dark wood vanity/sink.  I wanted to get rid of the stupid lil medicine cabinet and had plans to simply plaster over the top of the original one - BUT I needed something to hold all the usual paraphernalia that bathrooms hold.  I found at our local home reno shop - not in the bathroom section - but in the living room section - a curio cabinet that pretty much matched the wood from the vanity..... and suited my purposes to a T for replacing that medicine cabinet.  I added baskets in the cabinet to hold all the "stuff" - in case you are wondering what I did with all the make up - hair spray - tooth paste etc.

Everything was put in......... along with a new bath/shower that is grey "marble" (don't look too close - I was doing this reno on a shoe string budget.)  I had the walls painted a soft dove grey.  I added white shower curtains and white window curtains.  I added two oriental pictures and a bamboo plant - et voila my new bathroom.

Well it has been a couple of years - and I noticed that my pride and joy was looking a little tired..... I did not want to change a thing!!  So I pulled out the buckets and mops and sponges and cleaning liquid and set about (this past Sunday) washing the ceiling and walls and floor.  

It was exhausting but as I lay in my tub on Sunday night - soothing those aching muscles I realized my bathroom still had the WOW factor for me.   

Wanna see?? huh huh?? do you?? 

Well here ya go.......... my lil bathroom............ 

  from the door looking straight in

 the bath/shower

 and finally (standing IN the bath) looking out 

And that dear friends is my pride and joy.......