Saturday, March 31, 2012


Every evening this week - when W would ask how I was - my answer has been "so tired - so very tired".  And this exhaustion hasn't just been this week - it has been growing for weeks and weeks now............ and it scares me. 

There is nothing physically wrong with me - I know why I am tired - I have been here before.  The future looms ahead of me with more questions than answers - I want guarantees.... I want to know I am going to be OK.  But no one can answer those questions for me... 

I am like the little kid on the diving board - staring down into the blue water below me - not knowing if I will be ok if I take that final step off the board - take the step over the edge.  Will I sink to the bottom - or will I float??? (forget swim - I can't even wrap my mind around the fact I might just be able to swim!)

And the problem stems from - I want to retire.  I always said I would know when I was ready - and I am oh so ready........ now.  

But I never found time or the finances - to put money away for this day.  I always joked I would work till they carried me out feet first.  

Working is safe.  I know exactly how much money is coming in every month - I know I can pay my bills .... I know I can take care of myself.  

But retirement??? not so much.  I have worked and re-worked the budget every which way ..... trying to find a way to retire and pay my bills - cutting every single minute frivolous thing out - trying to make it work.  And for now - it doesn't......... work that is.

Maybe if I didn't have a mortgage - didn't have condo fees (extraordinarily high condo fees I might add - almost as much as my mortgage high) 

But I DO have a mortgage and high condo fees - and there is nothing to do about it.  That is the way it is.

I have to find a way of reconciling that I am not going to be able to retire now...... maybe not for a good many years.......... maybe It would be better if I put my energies into finding a way to cope with long days - and kids that tear my heart out - and systems that make no sense - and muddle along earning good money (yeah yeah I know I am lucky to have a job that pays good money!!) until I gain the courage to stop being scared and take that step off the diving board - and see if I can at least float ..... and maybe even swim.  

A life preserver would be nice..............


  1. From a recent retiree, I hear and know your fears. Luckily for me, it has worked out...and I love it. Hang in there, do you play the lottery? Maybe you are really neede where you are now, I know you have been a life savor to many children. abby

  2. I just spent my retirement when I quit my job. This isn't the first time so in a few years I will be thinking the same thing. Why didn't I save or plan better?

    I think there comes a time when we all have those fears. I do believe you will swim...Good Luck!

  3. It worked out well for me too, but then I have a great pension. I love the freedom and the lack of pressure. Maybe you could try to pay off the mortgage by making extra payments as funds permit.


  4. Anonymous2:16 pm

    The urge to retire but yet not feeling comfortable being between a rock and a hard place. Hope you can work things out. I had a friend who was in a similiar predicament. She retired then did tutoring at a good hourly rate to supplement income. Hang in there...wishing you the best.

  5. Ordalie10:57 pm

    Do you mean your pension wouldn't be enough to live on?
    What percentage of what you earn now would you have after retirement?
    I don't want to sound nosy, it's just to compare with what I'm getting now since I'm retired and used to be a teacher too .

  6. @Ordalie - i would receive between 1/3 and 1/2 of what i currently earn.

  7. Ordalie2:50 pm

    Goodness me! I receive 80% of my former salary.

  8. *throws you giant fairy floaty*


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