Scared

Every evening this week - when W would ask how I was - my answer has been "so tired - so very tired".  And this exhaustion hasn't just been this week - it has been growing for weeks and weeks now............ and it scares me. 

There is nothing physically wrong with me - I know why I am tired - I have been here before.  The future looms ahead of me with more questions than answers - I want guarantees.... I want to know I am going to be OK.  But no one can answer those questions for me... 

I am like the little kid on the diving board - staring down into the blue water below me - not knowing if I will be ok if I take that final step off the board - take the step over the edge.  Will I sink to the bottom - or will I float??? (forget swim - I can't even wrap my mind around the fact I might just be able to swim!)

And the problem stems from - I want to retire.  I always said I would know when I was ready - and I am oh so ready........ now.  

But I never found time or the finances - to put money away for this day.  I always joked I would work till they carried me out feet first.  

Working is safe.  I know exactly how much money is coming in every month - I know I can pay my bills .... I know I can take care of myself.  

But retirement??? not so much.  I have worked and re-worked the budget every which way ..... trying to find a way to retire and pay my bills - cutting every single minute frivolous thing out - trying to make it work.  And for now - it doesn't......... work that is.

Maybe if I didn't have a mortgage - didn't have condo fees (extraordinarily high condo fees I might add - almost as much as my mortgage high) 

But I DO have a mortgage and high condo fees - and there is nothing to do about it.  That is the way it is.

I have to find a way of reconciling that I am not going to be able to retire now...... maybe not for a good many years.......... maybe It would be better if I put my energies into finding a way to cope with long days - and kids that tear my heart out - and systems that make no sense - and muddle along earning good money (yeah yeah I know I am lucky to have a job that pays good money!!) until I gain the courage to stop being scared and take that step off the diving board - and see if I can at least float ..... and maybe even swim.  


A life preserver would be nice..............